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 Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2022 4:52 pm
Vyn left the ship for a second time.
On this occasion, he would not return empty handed. He came with a small satchel of seeds tucked safely away in his subspace pocket, and a power cell in hand that had been retrieved by Sessrumnir and Logos, which he had negotiated for with promises of assistance. If Vyn understood Lysvi’s message correctly, none of them would be able to leave until the beacon was dismantled. The least they could do in the meantime was ensure others had the means of escaping when the time came.
For now, Vyn made his way back to the area he’d previously left the Vanguard. Some of the others may have gone to seek answers elsewhere, but he thought Aliez and Andreiya might still be nearby, and, if not, they would return to the area once they, too, had exhausted their options.
Upon his approach, he noticed a figure standing fretfully off on their own. Vyn immediately recognized this figure as Aliez. He thought at first that something awful must have happened, perhaps that one of the inorganics had used one of their golden orbs to take a starseed from a Vanguardian. Vyn quickened his pace but attempted to allay his own concerns as he drew closer; surely if that was the cause of Aliez’s worries, he would be with the victim attempting to administer what care he could, not standing around waiting for Vyn.
“Has something happened?” he asked anyway. “You seem more apprehensive than when I left.”
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2022 7:40 pm
First and foremost, Aliez was relieved to see that Vyn was unharmed. He let out a quiet sigh of relief, even as he wrung his hands anxiously.
“Are you okay? Nothing happened to you, did it? Oh, no, everything here is fine.” Or fine enough. At least with everyone else that he knew of.
He felt horrible. He’d been completely distracted when he sent the message to the Commodore when he meant to just save it into his personal log. He supposed he should be grateful that he didn’t send it to the rest of the Vanguard as well.
“Vyn, you know you are my dear friend and I would never do anything to purposefully harm you, correct?” he asked as he chewed on his lip. He supposed there was no point in dragging this out, so he sucked in a breath and squeezed his eyes shut and said, “I sent a message to the Commodore that included my personal thoughts about you and how you view the Commodore by mistake. I thought I was adding a log entry but… I didn’t close out of the message I started.”
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2022 7:53 pm
Vyn was quick to assure Aliez that he was okay (or as okay as he was going to be while they were stuck here) and that nothing had happened (beyond being mocked again). He nodded, and made to lift the power cell into more prominence, so that he might hearten Aliez with thoughts that their misfortunes here were only temporary, but stopped as soon as Aliez began to explain himself.
“You—”
He sent a log entry to the Commodore? A personal log? To the Commodore? In which he had discussed his thoughts about Vyn’s thoughts?
“How did you—”
Initially, Vyn could not find anything suitable to say. He wanted to ask how Aliez could possibly confuse a message for a log entry, but quickly reminded himself that Aliez often couldn’t remember to turn the safety off on his previous weapon (then that it was probably for the best that the weapon had safety features in the first place, lest Aliez accidentally fire it). In the worry and stress caused by their current situation, perhaps it was only natural to make a few careless mistakes.
At least the mistake had been something harmless, and not something that would impact the survival of the Vanguard.
Vyn hoped it was harmless, anyway. He blanched, nerves fraying at the look on Aliez’s face.
“What… What did you tell him?”
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2022 8:13 pm
Aliez saw the power cell. He saw the other thing Vyn was carrying. He wanted to ask about them, rather than trying to explain how he could have messed up so badly.
He swallowed nervously, seeing how uncomfortable Vyn suddenly was. He didn’t want his friend to be thought of any differently by the Commodore. Well, except that maybe he wished the Commodore would be more familiar with them, but that wasn’t the point at the moment.
“I said that the Commodore deserves kindness and compassion and that if anyone were to receive the Commodore’s affections, it should be you,” he winced. “I don’t…. I don’t think it was anything that wasn’t already known. It is not a surprise that you greatly admire the Commodore,” Aliez tried to defend himself, but he knew that Vyn would likely be upset with him. And for good reason.
“I am sorry, Vyn. I am hoping the message will not send and it will be lost. I did follow it with a request to ignore the previous message but…” There was no telling… “I am assuming the Commodore will stop reading once he realizes it was intended as a persona log.” Or at least he hoped.
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2022 8:37 pm
Vyn was not going to cry. He was not going to be angry. He was not going to dissolve into a puddle of misery over a silly mistake.
Except his eyes did grow hot, his stomach gave an uncomfortable twist, and he thought he might be sick at the feet of one of the many inappropriate statues. (It would be no more or less than this place deserved. What distasteful people thought statues like that worth creating, let alone maintaining?)
“You told him—”
Vyn grew paler.
No, his admiration probably wasn’t much of a surprise to anyone. With the way he used to go about sighing and pining (and sometimes still did), he thought it must be completely obvious to his friends. (He would not soon forget Ny’s push that first night in the Dark Kingdom, which allowed Vyn the chance to seek rest and comfort against the Commodore’s shoulder.) It wouldn’t even come as a surprise to him if the Commodore knew but politely overlooked it. After all, the Commodore was used to being admired. Surely Vyn wasn’t the first to develop what some on Earth might consider “a crush,” and he wouldn’t be the last.
But to have it spoken of, to have it brought to the Commodore’s attention…
Maybe Aliez was right. Maybe, if the Commodore received the message, he would realize what it was and, to save Aliez further embarrassment, cease reading before too much information could be relayed.
But what if he didn’t? What if he thought it might offer him insight into the young men he’d made Corporals, which he may not have gotten otherwise? What if, in doing so, the Commodore realized how foolish both of them truly were? Would he look at them differently? Would he regret their promotion?
Vyn was not going to cry, except the moisture in his eyes began to feel heavy, dampening his lashes.
“He’s our superior officer,” Vyn said quietly, unable to raise his voice when his throat seemed to constrict. “Even if I—... Just because—... That doesn’t mean—... He—... None of us should be entertaining such inane delusions when—...”
Their world was dying. Nothing could ever be more important than that.
That didn’t mean Vyn couldn’t be sick with dread over other matters.
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2022 8:47 pm
Aliez visibly wilted. He was already upset because he knew Vyn would be upset, but he was hoping that maybe Vyn would realize it was a misunderstanding, and that Aliez was trying to be upfront about it instead of hiding it and hoping that maybe he Commodore would just never mention it.
“He is. I know I… I admitted that…” he hesitated, because he didn’t want to give Vyn any other reason to be upset with him.
But he also knew that there was no reason for him to keep secrets.
“I was just listing out my thoughts. I didn’t mean anything by it. I… admitted that I sometimes feel jealous of you and how open you can be with your feelings. And that I wanted you to spend time together. Off duty I mean. The Commodore needs to find ways to relax, and I think he would enjoy your company. I know I do.”
Not that there was any kind of off duty for them.
“If the Commodore is dying, don’t you think he deserves as much attention that could be given to him? Yes, still work towards saving our world, but if we can’t…” What if there were regrets? What if the Commodore could last a little longer with some gentle affection and intimacy?
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2022 9:20 pm
Vyn’s face, having previously gone almost unnaturally pale, suddenly acquired a vibrant flush.
There was no point in thinking about time off duty. His time that wasn’t spent training or seeking answers or assisting the Vanguard was spent acclimating to Earth, learning it’s history and culture, and working to acquire funds so as to alleviate some of the responsibility the Commodore faced in sheltering them, feeding them, and caring for them. The Commodore likewise had countless projects and responsibilities, not to mention far more serious concerns than the sort of frivolous activities one might engage in when not otherwise engaged with work.
It would be foolish to consider any other options, so Vyn never allowed himself to do so. He was a Cadet when they came to Earth; if not for this mission, had they remained on Velencya, he would probably still be a Cadet, as there would have been no reason to promote him with more experienced Corporals and Commanders filling out their ranks. He was young and relatively untried, and perhaps, like some of his comrades, a bit naive (though he liked to think otherwise). The Commodore deserved better than a youth who could barely get over his hero-worship long enough to look him in the eye.
Vyn shook his head.
He didn’t want to think about the Commodore dying. He didn’t want to think about regrets, or what could be, or anything that might lead to embarrassment and disappointment.
They all had their duties. That was enough for Vyn.
“I’m no one,” he said. “I’m not—”
Suitable? Good enough? Worthy? All of the above?
The very thought was ludicrous. What compelled Aliez to even consider...
Vyn swallowed. He blinked the tears away, and, when one fell anyway, quickly wiped it off of his face.
“It doesn’t matter,” he decided. “It—... I’m not angry with you, I know you didn’t do it maliciously. It was an accident, and… You’re right, he probably won’t read it, so… You don’t have to worry. We have—... The mission is more important. I didn’t join the Vanguard because of silly boyhood admiration.”
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2022 9:40 pm
But Aliez shook his head. He didn’t believe what Vyn was saying, and he didn’t think that Vyn believed it either.
“I would argue that you’ve shown the most loyalty to the Commodore and Velencya among all of us. I… I got a chance to talk to Caedus before the hilltop. I feel like my feelings might have been compromised, torn between duty and not wanting to hurt someone who had been kind to me. But Commodore cared deeply for Caedus. I’d only known him for a short time. I can not possibly imagine how difficult it was for the Commodore to find no other choice but to--”
To take his best friend’s starseed. If it had been Aliez taking Vyn’s starseed, could he have done it? Vyn would have given up his starseed for Velencya in a heartbeat, and Aliez would have as well, so maybe that wasn’t the best comparison. But could he have sacrificed his best friend for the sake of everyone else, not knowing if there was another solution, but being desperate that it seemed like the only choice?
“I know the Commodore recognizes that, Vyn. And I stand by my observations that you would both do well to find a moment of respite. Speaking as both a medic and a friend,” he said, wanting to reach out to hug Vyn, but also wanting to give him his space.
“I think the Commodore needs companionship. It might not prevent the inevitable, but it may make it more bearable.”
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Posted: Fri Sep 16, 2022 9:57 am
Vyn did believe it. He was no one. Often, he didn’t even know how he’d made it into the Vanguard, other than that he was a good shot and, on occasion, stable enough under pressure not to completely fall apart during situations like the hilltop, or the tar realm they’d been unfortunate enough to find themselves in not so very long ago. (There were other occasions, of course, when he proved himself too emotional. Like now. He couldn’t afford to fret and cry about a silly mistake when his friends were in danger, yet here he was, on the verge of doing exactly that.) He didn’t know why he’d been brought on the mission to Earth in the first place, or what the Commodore saw in him that he couldn’t have found in some other recruit.
Aliez was only trying to make him feel better, like he could give Vyn hope when Vyn had none. What did loyalty matter? Some of the others didn’t seem to care for it; they probably wouldn’t even look at him the same if they knew he was willing to sacrifice Caedus, as if being willing meant he wanted to. For all he knew, some of them might even think he meant to do it for the Commodore rather than the survival of their people, as if he couldn’t think past his admiration enough to have anything more than selfish reasons for making what, for anyone with a conscience, would be a difficult choice.
So Vyn kept shaking his head.
Anything beyond his duty to the Vanguard and the responsibilities he’d undertaken to make their lives on Earth a little easier were a distraction from the inevitability of Velencya’s demise. They shouldn’t even be standing here right now having this conversation.
“Your observations and concerns as a medic and as a friend are noted and will be taken under advisement,” Vyn said, though he had no intention of following through. “If the Commodore needs companionship, he would be better off seeking it from someone with more to offer than I have. Perhaps he already has someone. He certainly wouldn’t make a point of drawing attention to it, so the assumption that he finds himself without is just that: an assumption.”
Vyn was still just a Corporal, promoted more due to what the Vanguard lacked than what he currently had to offer. While here on Earth — and at home, where they would have made a less hasty progression up the ranks — there were perfectly acceptable boundaries in place. Vyn would not cross them more than he already had.
“I appreciate your support and I accept your apology,” he continued, “but I think it would be for the best if we focused on our current circumstances and not silly fantasies neither you nor I will ever act on. There’s too much at stake.”
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Posted: Fri Sep 16, 2022 6:14 pm
Aliez could tell that Vyn didn’t really believe him. Why would he? When they’d been brought to Earth, they thought they’d been lucky. Some of the chosen few that got to accompany the Commodore on an incredibly important mission, although how important they didn’t know until later.
A mission that they still haven't accomplished. And unless they got home, they would never accomplish it.
He cleared his throat of the emotion that threatened to build up and nodded. He didn’t have the right to be upset, so he held himself back from letting himself.
“Yes, there is much at stake,” Aliez agreed, only slightly relieved that Vyn accepted his apology. “What did you find at the ship?” he asked, nodding to the things Vyn had brought with him. “Should we get Andreiya to look as well?”
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Posted: Fri Sep 16, 2022 6:33 pm
Grateful for the change in subject, Vyn nodded.
“The ship, while no less frustrating, proved moderately more helpful this time,” he said, but saved his explanations until they could reunite with Andreiya, so he didn’t have to go over it twice.
Vyn took a moment to get himself together. He inhaled sharply and wiped the remainder of the tears from his eyes, then exhaled and forced himself to relax — as much as he was going to while they were stuck on a strange world where dangers might be lurking around every corner. Admittedly, only a shred of tension eased, helped along by the fact that they might soon be able to make their way back to Earth.
He would simply not think about what might happen when they got there, tell himself the Commodore wouldn’t read Aliez’s message, and that, if he did, at least Aliez would have embarrassed himself as well.
Vyn certainly had no intention of drawing attention to the misstep.
Perhaps it would be as if it’d never happened at all.
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