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 Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 5:25 pm
“Atticus said he loved me,” Devyn said suddenly. He and Michael had only laid down for bed a moment ago; Asher and Oliver were in the living room, and Elliot and Atticus had gone to bed first and were in the converted office.
He’d been thinking about it since it happened, and maybe he’d meant to keep it to himself now that they were alone, in the quiet of a dark room, it just slipped out.
He was lying on his back like he’d been trying to go to sleep but as soon as he spoke, he turned to look at Michael.
There were more important things he wanted to talk about. He wanted to ask about the youma, about the house, about what was going to happen to the Reids, about Moon Knights, about how Michael was doing–
It was a question, although it was unclear and uncertain. He wasn’t sure he knew what he was trying to say, or trying to ask, but Michael was smart. Very smart.
Devyn didn’t expand on it, and still seemed to trust that Michael would understand what he was trying to say.
Even if Devyn hadn’t yet figured it out, himself.
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 5:49 pm
Ever since getting that look from Devyn, Michael had been waiting for a time for them to talk. He thought they might end up having to talk in the morning, since he hadn’t wanted to keep Devyn awake if he would rather just sleep, but the sudden voiced observation was unsurprising.
“He trusts you,” Michael said as he used his thumb to swipe through some news pages on his phone, but it seemed as though he was almost done anyway, because he soon put his phone down on the side table.
“You’ve protected him, took care of him, you went out of your way to make sure he was comfortable and safe, you gave him your blood. I think it’s fair that he’d say he loves you,” Michael hummed as he turned onto his side so he could face Devyn in the relative darkness.
He’d thought about going back to the Reid’s that night and look for their things, but with it being so dark out, it was more of a hazard than it would be helpful. Once he figured out the state of the structure, he would know how to get in and out with hopefully no injury.
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 6:00 pm
Devyn nodded but it took him a few seconds more to consider his words. Just looking at Michael wasn’t enough, so he rolled to face him, too. “I’ve done that for other people and I know for a fact that they didn’t love me.”
But then, Atticus was different on so many levels, he wasn’t even sure he’d have known where to start when it came to comparing them. He hadn’t been upset when Atticus said it–on the contrary, he’d been elated. And confused. And worried.
Devyn didn’t think he deserved it.
And, he was worried he was going to mess something up.
The darkness couldn’t hide the way his lips pressed together thoughtfully, or the way his eyes had narrowed in thought.
“Do you think it might be a mistake? I didn't know if I should say it back. I forgot how to speak for a moment. I was afraid I’d say the wrong thing back.”
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 6:04 pm
“What’s a mistake? Atticus saying that he loves you?” Michael asked, his voice sincerely curious. “I think it meant a lot to him that you said it back. You obviously mean a lot to him. Even if you don’t feel the same way, if it makes a kid happy I don’t think it’s that bad.”
Not that Michael could be a judge for when it was okay to realize someone loved someone else. Platonically, romantically, it didn’t matter as long as no one was getting hurt and it made them happy.
“He’s a lonely kid who doesn’t seem to have any connection to people he’d be upset that they forgot about him, except for Elliot, of course. Do you think he might not have meant it?”
Michael could feel the simmering turmoil from the orb at his chest, but that could be from a myriad of things, not just Atticus admitting his affections.
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 6:13 pm
Devyn hummed, a low grumble of a noise, as he thought. “No, it’s not that. I just don’t want him to spend misplaced emotions on me. No, that’s not what I mean, either.” He wasn’t trying to be self deprecating. Probably. Maybe. He was losing faith in that thought.
“I don’t know if I deserve it. I don’t want him to be disappointed. I don’t want to let him down.”
Atticus was incredibly patient and forgiving, and he’d obviously put up with far more than he needed to. If he were being honest with himself, he couldn't imagine Atticus giving up on him if he made a mistake or something, but still.
“Is it fair, do you think? I might feel a bit like a fraud. It’s a strange feeling, I’m not sure I’m describing it very well. I care about him, absolutely. That’s not the problem. He deserves to be loved, he’s a sweet kid. It’s just, I feel guilty, maybe? Marius isn’t even here. I’m not replacing him,” he insisted, but then whatever gears had been turning in his head seemed to screech a stop. He fell quiet for a moment before exhaling and rolling onto his back as he searched the ceiling for answers.
It was harder to find answers when he couldn’t even find the question.
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 6:23 pm
“I don’t think you give yourself enough credit, Dev,” Michael said as he rested his head on his arm over his pillow. He remained on his side, even as Devyn dramatically flopped onto his back again.
Okay it wasn’t that dramatic, but it had the potential to be dramatic.
“You miss him, don’t you. Marius, I mean. You don’t have to replace him. And I’m sorry I was the one who pushed you to adopt Atticus. I wasn’t thinking that you’d be worried about replacing Marius. Was he the type to get jealous? You did say that you wanted a big family eventually.”
But with Percy.
A weird ache spread through his chest, and he wasn’t sure what it was. Anxiety, maybe. He was trying to keep his comments light, delicate. Conscious of the sensitive nature of the topic.
“You deserve to be loved too, you know,” he said softly as he watched Devyn’s expressions in the dim light. Michael didn’t think it was so wrong that a kid like Atticus could love him.
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 6:36 pm
Devyn again pressed his lips together, like he might have thought he should refute such a claim. He’d pushed much of his life experiences to the back of his mind, or shifted the memories around so he kept the important ones at the forefront. So what if he had hundreds of years after the last time he was happy with his family? The time since their deaths and now was filled with nameless, faceless people, and then solitude.
He’d never stopped to do the math. Was a hundred years too long to grieve? Two, three? Nine? He almost winced. His mouth felt dry, and the scar over his chest suddenly throbbed a bit. Or, maybe that was his heart. He couldn't really tell. Absentmindedly, he rubbed at his chest.
“Marius was absolutely the type to get jealous, and absolutely the type not to. It depends on if he wanted attention or not. It’s funny. I knew him for so much of his life, but in my head I still remember when he was young. That’s the first thing I see. I don’t like to remember him getting old, maybe that’s it. We butted heads a lot. Less, after Percy,” he faltered only slightly, “passed. I’m pretty sure he promised Percy he’d be nice to me.”
The dull ache, persistent but not overwhelming. Devyn moved his hand from his chest and laid it by his side. By Michael’s hand.
Maybe it was deliberate that the backs of their hands were touching. He drew in another breath, and the contact must have brought him some peace because even if his expression was still contemplative, the ache faded a bit. The necklace calmed somewhat.
“I think he’d have liked Atticus, to be honest. Marius was good with kids. Not anyone his age. He was good with people older than him, he knew how to say what they wanted to say. He knew how to prove himself to them. But he was good with children. He used to carry candy in his pockets, they’d flock after him. I don’t think he ever learned how to connect with people his age. He was polite, but. He was always different. He had a soft spot for people who needed help. He had a big family,” he said after a moment, and a little smile twitched on his face.
For as much as his memories could hurt him, they could soothe him, too. He shifted positions again, maybe a little restless, or maybe just eager to face Michael again. “He never left anyone behind. And once someone met him, they wanted to stick around. I think I just miss him. You didn’t push me into adopting Atticus. I wanted to, I wanted to keep him safe, too. It was a relief when you suggested it. He’s not a replacement. I know he’s not. If Marius were here, he’d know. I just hope Atticus knows that.”
He wasn’t really looking at Michael; just facing him was enough. Just being able to see him if he needed to was enough. His gaze had drifted to the wall behind him, like it could give him some clarity and help him sift through his thoughts.
“I don’t know if I deserve anything. Credit, or love. Sometimes I don’t even know if I deserve happiness. I’m worried all of this is an accident. I don’t want to lose this.”
Again.
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 6:41 pm
Michael’s fingers twitched when Devyn’s hand rested against the back of his. As though he wanted to shift a little closer. All it would take was just moving his hand slightly to be able to take hold of Devyn’s. Just as a way to offer him comfort. Offer himself comfort.
He could feel how the necklace calmed just by Devyn touching the back of his hand…
So he didn’t move. He resisted the urge to-- what? Lace their fingers together? They were just friends. And Michael was afraid of doing something that would make Devyn regret things. After all, he didn’t want to lose this.
Whatever this was.
It was safer not to rock the boat, as easy as it would be sometimes.
“I’m sure Atticus knows that. He’s a smart kid. He doesn’t give himself enough credit either.”
Michael liked listening to everything about Marius. About Devyn’s life from before he’d even been born. It was strange to think about sometimes, especially knowing that he’d been reborn from the person Devyn loved -- still did, even if he wasn’t there.
“Are you happy?” he asked after a moment of watching Devyn’s expression and the way he seemed to look beyond him at the wall. Again he had the urge to take Devyn’s hand. But he resisted.
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 6:52 pm
His gaze was fixed to the wall for a few seconds as he considered, but his eyes found Michael’s before he answered. “I am. Most of the time. I get lonely sometimes. It’s not the type of lonely like when you go to work, it’s a more empty loneliness. A hollowness I’ve carried for a very long time. Sometimes my emotions catch up to me. I move so quickly, sometimes I think I leave a few of them behind.”
He shrugged a bit, half hearted and unenthusiastic. He didn’t know what it was, he just knew he was good at making excuses for things when he needed them.
“I think I just miss how things were sometimes. The people. The places. But I am happy here, yeah. I mean, I had a hard time after you told me the truth about what had happened. About how much time had passed. I had to go take some time to sort myself out. I grieved a bit. A lot. Cleared my head, made a plan. I wasn’t happy then. But that’s different. Some days are just bad days. I’m worried about the next time I’m going to have one. I don’t want to put you, or Atticus, through that. But am happy when I’m with you. Happier than I thought I’d ever get to be again.”
He was quiet for a few seconds–or maybe it was a minute, he didn’t know. He still wasn’t very good with time.
“I was hurting for a long time, Michael. And then I cut out as many emotions as I could. And I was lonely for a while. Mad for a while. Empty, for a long time. I don’t remember when I started lying to myself. I remember it was easier, though. But now I’ve got a bunch of memories that are all blurry and blended, and there are things I know I’ve forgotten. My whole sense of time is off. I don’t feel that old, but. Maybe it’s because so much of my life was wasted.”
He’d worked, hard. Tried to help people. Tried to save his world.
Failed.
He’d never given up and he wasn’t going to start now.
There were just a lot of years that he couldn’t account for, aside from the same haze of ‘same thing day in and day out’. Always doing his best, but it wasn’t ever enough. He hadn’t felt like he was doing anything or making any progress for so long–and then he’d met Michael.
Then, something started ticking again.
“I think I’m happy, yeah. When you’re around, it’s easy. I feel alive again. It’s like being stuck in the water for so long you forget how to swim, and then suddenly there’s a hand pulling you out. You don’t give yourself enough credit either, you know. I was a mess for a long time, but you got me to clean up pretty nicely. I don’t think anyone else could have done that for me. I’m not perfect, though. Sometimes I still hear whispers in the back of my mind. Sometimes the memories are too heavy and I have a hard time thinking or I don’t know what to do with myself. But it’s been getting better. I’m enjoying life again. I didn't think that was ever going to be possible. I forgot how to be happy. For a long time, Michael. A long time. Thank you for giving that back to me.”
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 7:02 pm
Knowing that Devyn was happy, even if he admitted that it was hard sometimes, was a relief for Michael. Even if his chest felt tight and fluttery every time Devyn mentioned how he was happy with him. As if he had done something more than others could have offered.
He pressed his lips together. Glanced away from Devyn, even though it was too dark for him to see if his cheeks had changed color or not. His face felt hot. He didn’t know why. He didn’t understand why Devyn saying things like how he was happy when he was with him would make him feel flustered.
He didn’t comment about not giving himself enough credit. It wasn’t worth it.
“When you feel that way -- the bad days -- what can I do to help? Do you just need to be left alone? You can close yourself in the bedroom if you’d like to sort through your thoughts. Or -- no, I bet you’d rather not sit still. You could just tell me you need to go for a walk, or if you want me to take off the necklace I can. I can get you food that you like if you’d prefer a distraction. Or, I don’t know. If you wanted me to rub your back or something. You don’t seem to mind when I touch your hair.”
Oh, that was probably weird that he’d noticed that. And not just not mind. Devyn seemed to enjoy it. Which was why Michael had to be careful about doing it too much because what if Devyn got tired of that, or if Michael did it wrong or not good enough --
And now he was concerned about how to touch Devyn’s hair. Fantastic.
Michael shifted then, turning so he could lay on his back and look up at the ceiling. Maybe it would be less obvious that he was rubbing at his cheeks trying to cool them down.
“If you ever wanted to talk about things. About your past. About things that confuse you on Earth. Plans for what we’re going to do to get Alastor fixed up… You know I’m here. And. I’m a pretty good swimmer, so if you ever forget how, just hold out your hand because… yeah.”
Because yeah.
Michael sucked in a breath and let out a sigh that was hopefully not as distressed sounding as he felt.
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 7:13 pm
“I know,” he promised. Michael was always there for him. He’d answered so many questions about Earth already, given so many suggestions to help with Alastor, done so much to make him comfortable. Michael was always there for him. He let Devyn ramble about things he missed on his homeworld–about the foods, the festivals, sometimes the people. Mostly Percy, but sometimes old friends.
Michael had always been a good sport about it, and even humored him. He seemed genuinely interested, and if it was an act it was one that Devyn was grateful for.
…But he’d never gotten the impression that Michael was lying to him or just pretending to care. Michael let him reminisce or talk about whatever he wanted to. Sometimes he’d tell old stories–old stories with no point to them, except to share with someone else. Devyn carried a lot of memories within him. Sometimes it was nice to just let them live in someone else’s mind for a moment, too.
“I haven’t really had a bad day since I’ve been here. I know I’m pressing my luck, but.” He shrugged a bit. “So far I’ve been able to chase them away. Sometimes I can go running, or stop in somewhere to eat. There are a lot of museums I’ve yet to visit, I’m saving a few of them for a rainy day. Although, I did promise Atticus we could go to them so I’d better visit a few more.” With Michael, of course, that was a given. “I don’t want to be alone on my bad days, I don’t think. I spent too much time alone already. I hate it. The silence?” He shook his head. “I don’t want to be left alone with myself. If I can’t outrun the problem, or outeat it, or out think it, I’ll come to you. You help. Just being in the same room as you, I think. Of course, I do like when you touch my hair. It’ll sound silly if I say it, but my mother used to do it. Perce used to do it, too. There’s just something calming about it. Feels different when it’s someone else doing it. Of course, feels good when you rub my back, too, so it might just be you. I don’t want you to take off the necklace unless you want to. I’m not ashamed of anything I feel. I’m not ashamed if you know. I trust you, with everything. I just don’t want it to bring you down, too. I’m not the best at taking care of myself, sometimes I forget there are things someone can do when they’re not at their best. Maybe you could teach me. So I know what I can do if I’m having a hard time. Or, so I know what would help you the most if when you’re having a bad day, too.”
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 7:38 pm
Knowing that Devyn hadn’t had a bad day since being there was a relief. Michael hadn’t thought he’d felt the necklace indicate darker feelings than the occasional blip when Devyn might have been thinking too much, or if something he learned about Earth bothered him, so he was glad that he hadn’t missed anything out of the ordinary.
What Devyn was requesting was reasonable. He could be there with him when he needed it. He could make sure he wasn’t left alone. Even as his heart throbbed painfully knowing that Devyn trusted him so much, he wanted to do whatever it took to help.
It didn’t sound silly that his mother or Percy used to touch Devyn’s hair, although maybe it made him feel as though he was intruding on something special. But Devyn said that he liked it when he did touch his hair…
“I don’t know how to take care of myself,” he admitted as he stared up at the ceiling. Although he’d moved, he’d shifted to settle his other hand against Devyn’s. Just so they were lightly touching. Because that seemed to help Devyn -- and it helped him too, if he were being honest with himself.
“I go through the motions of living to keep myself distracted. But there are times I feel like I can’t do anything. Getting up is a struggle. Cooking isn’t enjoyable. I get lost in my thoughts. I used to drink a lot more than I should, if only to feel numb. I know I told you before that sometimes I just need to stay in bed if I’m not feeling great but… that was before knowing how much being around you has helped.”
He glanced over at Devyn, feeling a little guilty for putting that kind of responsibility on him -- while also ignoring that Devyn had more or less said the same about him.
“Every time I feel like I’m getting too deep in thought, when the necklace isn’t enough either, you always seem to be ready to pull me out too.” To demonstrate, Michael finally moved his hand so he could place his fingers over Devyn’s wrist.
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 7:47 pm
Devyn didn’t look like he thought of it as a responsibility. His attention was focused completely on Michael, and his expression had relaxed since he started listening. He moved his hand closer but he didn’t take his eyes off of Michael.
“I am. And I always will be.”
It didn’t feel like an obligation, it was something he wanted to do if it could help Michael in any way.
“I won’t intrude if you need to be alone.” Well, he’d try not to. “But, if you don’t know how to take care of yourself, let me take care of you. You don’t have to get out of bed if you don’t want to. I’ll bring you food. I’ll stay in bed, too. Maybe we can put on a movie or something, or I can tell you stories. Play with your hair and rub your back. And if you want to talk, I’ll be there to listen.”
Things Michael had already been willing to do for him. Things he would have readily done for Michael.
He brushed his pinky along the back of Michael’s hand. ”We don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. But. You’ve been here for me when I needed it. Even just now. I want to be there for you, too.”
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 7:52 pm
Michael knew he was way in over his head.
His heart was fluttering, and for a moment he could feel his breath catch in his throat. This was nothing new from Devyn. He’d always told him he wanted to help, to be there for him. That he would do whatever Michael needed.
Maybe it was the consistency that was reassuring. Maybe it would be enough for Michael to stop second guessing himself.
Maybe.
His face felt hot, but he didn’t move his hand away from Devyn’s wrist, even as he turned to look at him more fully. And let out a dramatic sigh that he was accustomed to hearing from Devyn.
“You make all of this too easy,” he grumbled, but it was more from being flustered rather than agitation. It was easy to talk to Devyn, easy to listen to him, to like him, to be patient with him because Michael found it incredibly rewarding to watch as Devyn learned so many new things about Earth. And it was easy to love him as well.
Atticus was clearly wiser than any of them might realize. He spoke with his heart. If he said he loved someone then he did. And he obviously loved Devyn -- because Devyn made it easy.
The bias of Alastor’s history had likely given him more enemies than friends. From what little Michael knew, Devyn had always been at a disadvantage when it came to relationships, platonic or otherwise. It just took someone who knew nothing about Alastor’s history to really take the time to get to know him. It was probably very easy for Percy to love Devyn, too.
Michael’s throat was tight and his heart was racing, but in the darkness he hoped it was easier to not notice.
Even if he-- … He wasn’t Percy. And he would never want to put Devyn in the position of deciding if someone could take Percy’s place. Michael didn’t want that on his conscience.
“Turn over,” he requested after clearing his throat, and gestured for Devyn to roll over onto his side away from him or onto his stomach -- whichever would be more comfortable.
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2022 8:48 pm
A smile twitched onto Devyn’s face at the sigh. It stayed because Michael said he made all of this too easy. He sucked in a breath and released a dramatic sigh of his own as he rolled over onto his side.
If he was going to show his back to anyone, Michael was at the top of the list of people he trusted for it. He fluffed up the pillow a bit before sliding his arm underneath it. Devyn didn’t entirely know what Michael wanted him to turn away for, but he didn’t question it.
He just trusted him.
“I make things easy? You make things easy. If I hadn’t had you here, I’d still be trying to figure out if I was allowed to love my son.”
Although, when he said it like that it was obvious.
Marius wouldn’t have been jealous. Marius would have understood. Probably encouraged it, if he was being honest. Percy would have.
Devyn closed his eyes and drew in a slow, steadying breath.
Percy probably would have wanted him to do this much sooner. He never would have wanted him to be alone. Devyn was just stubborn, and cared too much and didn’t know how to grieve or process or heal. Even now, there were still cracks in his heart.
Deep enough that the damage was probably permanent. He didn’t think he had another thousand years to heal what he’d let come undone.
And yet.
He had more life in him now. He felt things again. He could smile, he could laugh. He could hope. He wasn’t dreaming yet, but sometimes there was the warm glow of something there. Something good. Something he hadn’t had for most of his life.
He wasn’t just pretending, wasn't just going through the motions.
Michael had started it all back up again.
Undone the lies he’d told himself when he’d had only his own company. When the only thing he could do to keep going forward was build a falsehood where he could pretend he wasn’t alone.
And now, he wasn’t.
He had Michael, and he had Atticus, and he had a world that hadn’t given up on him yet.
He had a past he couldn’t step out of, and a future he was stepping into.
It didn’t really feel like he had to give one up to have the other.
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