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I actually called in to work because of the way I was feeling. I also feel so fatigued and my stomach was hurting. I’m trying not to feel bad about calling in. I really want to talk to one of my managers and check in with them and set a boundary and let them know a little bit of what’s going on with me so they are aware but it’s hard to do that the timing of trying to communicate is really hard and I get so nervous.

Thanks for assuring me it’s okay to not feel guilty. I just feel like I’m a let down. And I want to tell them that because of the way I have been feeling (anxiety about life in general, drama I’ve witnessed at work, etc) that I don’t want to do management training anymore. I know it’s gonna be a somewhat hard conversation, but it is my choice for my life. I don’t want to have to be that responsible for this s**t that goes on sometimes. It sucks though because my manager is off until Thursday and now that I have decided I feel like that’s an eternity to wait and the stress is killing me. I just want to get it over with and I’ll feel so relieved. Setting boundaries and talking to people especially at work is such a huge deal for me. I let things build and build and then I get to this point where I have to take a break and I feel like a lot of that is because I don’t get to properly communicate and it’s hard to approach my managers because they are so busy and there’s work to be done and I feel like a bother and I know that’s not right I have to make myself heard and they are managers they have to be open to that. It still makes me feel awkward though. I want to cry. I wish someone could just do this for me ahahah. Being responsible and sensitive is the ******** worst. I overthink everything. Like oh they are going to fire me for calling in. They are going to fire me for deciding to not do this training. I hate this thoughts it makes me sad and worried and makes me feel like I’ll never reach my goals of saving money and paying off my house. And I really like where I’m at in this job I never wanted to manage in the first place and I should’ve said so but I was like oooh money and they complimented me…now I just feel like a nervous wreck. I just wish I could undo what I said like a month ago and said, thanks but no thanks and now I have to do that and I think it will be awkward. But I don’t want to do this. It’s not because I can’t, it’s because I don’t want to. I know myself and my limits and at my last job my boundaries constantly got trampled on and I’m letting it happen again and it’s all my fault for being so unsure. But now I am sure and I’m afraid I’m gonna be looked at like an idiot i
Already feel like everyone thinks I’m an idiot because im awkward even my friends. I know I overthink I just wish I could get this over with but I have to wait til Thursday to talk to my manager and I have planned what I want to say but I always lose my nerve and try to let people talk me into stuff because I don’t want to let people down but not this time. I’m a moron.