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 Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2022 12:24 pm
Perhaps she had felt this bad before. Perhaps she had felt this guilty and horrid and unhappy before…but if she had, Talia had no memory of it.
Meeting with Cybele had been…
Horrible. She had hoped they could start over…that the past could be understood and let go…she hadn’t been…hadn’t been herself when she was corrupted, surely if anyone could understand that it was someone who had gone through what she had. But then the guilt of leaving Ganymede swamped her again and Talia shuddered, running silently to the restroom and kneeling by the toilet as the remains of her dinner came back up.
She felt weak, sick. Her heart was pounding fit to burst and it was hard to draw in breath.
All Talia wanted to do was cry, was to disappear. Cease to exist. Fix everything she had broken.
She had done so many things that she wasn’t proud of, and she was sure that there were so many more that she couldn’t even remember, and it was just too much.
Far, far too much.
Thankfully, the house seemed empty and she made her way to the bedroom she shared with Zac and spent a few minutes grabbing her nest and flinging everything onto the bed, curling up under all of the quilts, pillows and squishmallows. Hopefully they would drown out the sound of her crying, and when Talia was at least somewhat sure that there was no way she would be discovered, she pressed her face into the mattress. Into Zac’s fancy, soft, wonderful sheets, and wailed in utter misery.
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2022 2:04 pm
Zac had gotten home nearly an hour and a half before he was supposed to; the venue closed early and he didn’t have any reason to stick around–especially when they were going to pay him for the full eight hours he’d agreed to work. Traffic was good, and he was glad to have a little time at home before things got busy with everyone bustling around.
He grabbed his bag and made his way inside. A quick shower sounded good, maybe a snack, and–
Oh, that was a pretty big lump in his bed. Pretty noisy lump, too.
‘Cambria’, his mind said, but he bit his tongue before he could say anything.
Quietly, he set his bag down.
“...You okay, Talia?”
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2022 6:27 pm
The sobs cut of the moment she heard him speak, and Talia went rigid under her mountain of nest. For a long while, she didn’t even breathe, hoping that if she just stayed still…he would forget she was here. Forget he asked anything…maybe she could pretend that…it had been in his imagination…but.
…Wow, no that was stupid.
Finally, Talia pulled herself from under her pile and looked at Zac, sniffing. “...Yeah…I’m okay. You’re home. I’m glad you’re okay.”
It was something she had taken to telling him every time he came home…becoming almost a tradition. A ritual.
It was nice, and gave Talia something good to think about. Which…was very much needed.
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2022 7:19 pm
“I’m a little early,” he admitted, but he crossed his arms over his chest and looked at her. She didn’t look very convincing. “Tell me that this isn’t what you do when you’re home alone. You want me to get you some water, crackers…?”
It had been a while since he had someone crying, he was rusty.
But, this was Talia. He didn’t want her alone and miserable.
“Tell me what you need, you’ll have it. What’s going on?”
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2022 8:06 pm
Crackers…water? It sounded like a snack you’d get in prison, and for a moment, Talia almost smiled…but then she thought of Ganymede and her small smile vanished. “I’m…not hungry. I just…it’s not. It’s stupid. I ran into someone while I was out patrolling…her name is Cybele…we met when I was corrupted and she punched me…and the next time we met I took her starseed and her friend’s starseed…but I felt bad about it and gave it back…it…”
Talia shuddered and hesitated, scrubbing her face and hiccuping. “...I ran into a Knight too, a while ago…his name is Valhalla? But…Ganymede…she…she’s been captured…she told me to tell him that she loved him…and I did. But both of them asked why I hadn’t saved Ganymede and I…I honestly didn’t think about it…I don’t know why I didn’t…and she didn’t ask either…so…”
She felt the tears starting to bubble over again and stifled a sob. “I just…I hate myself…I guess. I should have done something…I shouldn't have been like that…”
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Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2022 1:06 am
Cybele. He knew a Cybele, didn’t he? Wasn’t she part of Sessrumnir’s group? Oh, Valhalla. Ganymede. Yeah, this was all sounding pretty familiar.
For a moment, he was quiet, and then he moved to the edge of the bed and sat down. “Oh. Yeah. I’m supposed to be helping with her, too.”
He didn’t want to tell her that he’d agreed to help however he could. Probably wasn’t a good idea to mention that they’d kept an eye out for her, too. He didn’t want to make her feel any worse, and honestly her crying right now made him want to just fix things immediately. He put a hand on her back and rubbed it a bit, like he might have done if she’d been Cambria.
“You think Metalia would have just let you take her like that? I don’t know what was going on this whole time.” He really didn’t. He’d been busy with Faustite. Hadn’t even known that Ilse and Lysithea were close. Hadn’t known much of anything she’d had going on with her. She was purified by the time he came back with Faustite, at her own request.
“Trauma does things to people.” Hadn’t she just been betrayed? He wasn’t exactly the epitome of thinking clearly. Especially not when he was backed into a corner. “Chaos does things. Don’t hate yourself. You’ve been three different people in the last five months. Do you know why they’re keeping her alive?”
Why they hadn’t killed her, hadn’t corrupted her?
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Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2022 7:54 pm
The hand on her back felt nice. Soothing. Almost familiar. Almost.
Talia looked up at Zac with swollen, red rimmed eyes and choked back another sob. “I…I don’t know…I didn’t even think of taking her…not until I was out…it…it didn’t even seem like a thing…a thing that would have been possible…she was in a prison cell…I mean…” She rubbed her eyes and her lip quivered before she moved closer to Zac, all but climbing into his lap, burying her face against his chest. “...She was nice. I was in charge of healing her. Keeping her alive. I don’t know why. Never questioned it…I was there when they came back. When they brought her…when General Jet was promoted to a General King…I…General King Axinite had asked me to come because I had healing magic…”
She swallowed again, her crying seeming to have slowed at least a little.
The idea of having gone through trauma was…not something she had ever thought about. Trauma wasn’t…what happened to her wasn’t trauma it was just…just…
Something. But trauma made it sound so…horrible...
Then again…when he mentioned that she had been three people over the course of five months…that…
…didn’t sound great.
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Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2022 8:23 pm
The movement surprised him. He hadn’t been expecting her to move against him, but he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. Zac ran his fingers through his hair and continued rubbing her back soothingly.
He didn’t feel very comfortable with any of this but he wasn’t about to say that. His blood ran a little cold when she said General Jet was General-King Jet.
That was probably a bad enemy to make, oops. Whatever, ******** that guy.
“Look,” he said slowly, carefully. “I don’t want you to think I don’t care. But I’m not the best person to talk about things like this. I bottle up my emotions, and then I get pissed off and break things. And if you want, I can take you to a great place and we can just smash s**t up. But, um. When it comes to talking, I know there are people who might have better advice for you than I would. So I’m just throwing it out there. It sounds like you need to talk about it. You’ve been keeping all this bottled up inside you?”
No wonder she always seemed like she was one bad day from falling apart.
“I think, when it just gets to be time, sometimes there’s no stopping it. I told Ilse she couldn’t purify without you. But she did it when she had to. You got out while you could. Not everyone gets that chance. If Metallia caught on, she’d have stopped you. And if they’ve got another General King floating about–”
Did they ********, you did the right thing. You got out. I’d rather have you, anyway. And you wouldn’t have been able to help at all if you’d been caught. They’d have what, killed you? Youmafied you? You’re still here, Talia. There’s still time to help. So you didn’t grab her then–okay. That just means we’ve got to figure out a different plan, right? So cry now, get it out. Clear your head. Because after that, we’ll make a plan.”
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Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2022 8:42 pm
Talia was quiet and nodded. “...I’m sorry to bother you with this then…I didn’t…I didn’t think anyone was home, I thought I would just be able to cry and get it out before anyone noticed…” She pulled away from him, not wanting him to be uncomfortable, not wanting to be a burden. God, she was a burden wasn’t she. It…all she had done was ruin the lives of these people.
Her face grew pale and she shrugged, nodding and then shrugging again. “It’s not that big of a deal. I didn’t want anyone to worry. I’m. It won’t happen again. I’ll go get a shower and be out of your hair, okay? I’m sorry to have gotten tears and snot over your bed…I…I just thought nobody would be able to hear me if I was pressed into the mattress.”
Talia wiped her eyes again. “...I’ve cried enough…but I hope we can figure out a way to help her…I don’t think that there is any way though…And, yeah. The Queen promoted General Jet after he brought Ganymede in. I…I was just kind of there. It was awkward.”
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Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2022 10:06 pm
“Talia,” Zac said, and pulled her close again. “You can get a shower if that’s what you want. But I don’t care about the tears and snot. You’re not ‘in my hair’. Don’t do that thing where you think you’re a burden or something. I told you, I’m not the emotional one around the house. I’m not good at saying nice things. I wish I was better at it. You deserve it. So just let me hold you for a minute. I’m better at that than with words.”
He was, he could tell by the way she’d reacted. He didn’t want to drive her away, didn’t want to give any room for doubt or guilt to kick in.
“I don’t want you to think the only way you can deal with your problems is alone. Crying, alone, specifically. You know we’re here for you. Even if we’re just ‘people you live with’. If you’ve got more to cry, let it out. If you’re done, okay. If water and crackers aren’t good enough–you want me to get some pizza and beer? Could splurge, throw in some wings. Anything you want. I,” he sucked in a breath, “want to be here for you. Just. Know that. Even if I’m bad at it.”
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Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2022 6:06 pm
“Isn’t that just you saying you don’t want to deal with me? If you’re not emotional…that’s just you saying that you don’t have the time or patience for this, isn’t it? That I'm bothering you?”
Talia was happy that he had pulled her close though, it felt nice to be held. Felt nice to be held close to Zac. Like her body remembered it. LIke it was home, even if her mind didn’t know it.
“I’m not her…not Cambria. Not the one you loved…and I don’t think I’ll ever be…I’m sorry. I’m sorry that she’s gone. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to keep her here for you…” She swallowed and began to cry again, clinging to him and almost wailing. “I just…I hate it. I hate me. I hate all of this…I…I’m sorry…”
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Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2022 7:54 pm
“Stop,” Zac said, but he didn’t push her away and didn’t stop stroking her back. “I didn’t say any of those things. I’m not good with emotions. It means I don’t know how to say kind things or be sensitive and even when I mean well, sometimes I’m a d**k. It means I need you to know that I’m doing my best. And if something comes out wrong, it’s because I’m not good at this. If I didn’t want to be here, I would have turned around and left as soon as I realized you were in bed crying.”
But, he hadn’t left. He was here, for Talia, because he knew Cambria was gone.
“You don’t have to apologize for that. It’s not your fault she’s gone.” There was a sadness in his voice, but a steeliness, too. Like when he got too close to emotions, he got guarded. He was defensive and bottled them up before they could slip out through all his cracks. “No hatred. Stop that. What do I need to say to make you understand that it doesn’t matter? I knew there was a risk. I knew she was probably gone.”
His throat was sore but he held himself together; he never faltered and just stroked down her back in a steady, predictable pattern. “I know what Chaos does. They took her. She didn’t want it. I know she fought. I know she tried her hardest. And I know that she loved me when the Chaos swallowed her up.”
Silence, and then, “I know she’s gone, Talia. I’m not asking you to be her. You’re everything that’s left of her. But you’re you. And you have a chance to be you. That’s what I was fighting for. You’re not some puppet in the Negaverse. She’d have tried to save me. I wasn’t going to just let them have her. Maybe there’s some of her left in you, but I’m not looking. I’m not going to ask you to be someone you don’t know. I told you to put yourself before anyone else and I meant it. Figure out who you want to be before you worry about anyone else. Me, included. I know you’re not her. It’s okay.”
He squeezed her, maybe a hug, and tried to give her whatever comfort he could.
Cambria was gone. He knew that.
It just wasn’t getting any easier to say.
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Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2022 8:00 pm
“She was lucky…” Talia murmured, biting her lip to try and silence her sobs. “...She was so lucky to have someone who loved her so much. It feels so nice to be…to be held like this…I…but I know I…I feel like…” She shook her head, going limp. “...I’m not making any sense…I’m not making any sense to you or to myself…I…would like pizza…and wings. Can we eat it in bed…and can I stay in the bed with you tonight? Will you hold me, Zac…? Please? I don’t…want to have to be alone tonight. I’ll go back to my nest tomorrow…but I just…want to pretend tonight.”
Pretend like this was hers. Like she was home. Like she could deserve this.
“If you don’t feel comfortable…I understand. No pressure, I promise, no pressure at all…”
Gulping, Talia drew away slightly, wiping her eyes and looking up at Zac with a tear swollen face. “...E-except the pizza and wings. That…there is pressure for that. You offered that…”
A feeble attempt at a joke. But. An attempt all the same.
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Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2022 10:10 am
She was too rough for herself, Zac decided, and it wasn't like he was good at being gentle but he’d try for her. He brushed his thumb across her cheek, wiping away the wetness she’d missed. “Pizza and wings, in my bed? Oh, you’re just asking for trouble, there. I know a good place, even Evan couldn’t give us a hard time. I’ll make an order. Come here, get comfortable. I’ll hold you while we wait. We can put on a movie or something. I’ll hold you. All night, if you want. You’d have to work pretty hard to make me uncomfortable. I mean, don’t kick me while you’re sleeping, but aside from that I can work with just about anything.”
He stroked her cheek once more and then kissed atop her head. “Don’t worry about making sense. There’s not a lot that does these days. But you’re here and you’re safe, and we’ll make a plan. We’ll figure everything out. Don’t beat yourself up. You need to learn to be kind to yourself.”
…But, she’d come to him. She was letting him help.
It was something, at least.
He might not be good at this, but he was still going to do his best.
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Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2022 8:03 pm
Talia swallowed and nodded and pressed against him, nodding. “All right…I’ll try not to kick. I don’t think I kick.” She might kick though. If she did…he’d be fine, she was sure.
Her eyes were closed and she gave a long, slow sigh, managing to relax just a little bit. They would figure this out. They had to. She had to get better. If she didn’t…
There wouldn’t be anything left for her. So…maybe she would just allow herself to cry and push past it when the pizza got there.
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