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So when I got home from your place, I decided that I still had enough time to get to the courthouse to file my paperwork and open a case for my name/gender marker change. So I left my house around 3:30pm and the courthouse is open til 4:30pm. And it’s literally just downtown, 10 minutes away. No problem, right.

WRONG. 1)I was already anxious because parking downtown is something that always stresses me out. 2)I’ve never been in the courthouse and it’s huge and I knew I’d have trouble finding the right door to get in (*spoiler alert* I did).

So I drove to a parking lot that I’ve used before that is nearby. But I saw I would have to pay. And that made me irrationally upset. So I decided to park a little farther away at the library, because I have a library card and the parking is free! It would be a 6 minute walk. So I parked at the library, and walked for 6 minutes while talking to T on my phone. I went up to the door of the ginormous (and pretty cool) building. Locked. Went to walk towards the front, still on my phone, when someone YELLS AT ME FROM A VEHICLE (something I hate more than anything) “M’am,” (*facepalm* stressed stressed stressed ), “You can’t take your cell phone in.” 1)I don’t know why this person was yelling at me from their car to make sure I knew that, but ultimately it was helpful information. (That I probably should’ve already known, but I’m not one to frequent courthouses soooo…)

But I had to walk all the way back to my car. At this point its after 4. Keep in mind the office I need to go to closes at 4:30pm. I get back to my car, and I didn’t feel safe (even though it’s broad daylight and in the middle of downtown) walking that far without my phone. Just in case. So I’m freaking out a little at all of the obstacles I’ve encountered thus far. BUT IT GETS WORSE.

So i figure I will just try to park closer to the courthouse. I had seen some parking spaces with meters close by, or the place I should’ve just paid to park in in the first place that is right across the street. So I go to leave the library lot. I have to scan my ticket so that the thing goes up (I don’t know what the thing is called but its the bar that lets you enter and leave a paid parking lot, you know what I mean?) so I can leave the lot. Well, then it is saying I owe a dollar.

Fine, whatever. It’s just a dollar, even though I’ve never had to pay before because I have a library card. So I enter my card to pay (there was no option to pay with cash), and i tried 3 times, and it kept saying “card not processed.” I was frustrated, but then I got even more frustrated when I looked behind me to see two cars waiting. I kinda yelled “my card’s not working!” And then I carefully had to back up and return to my parking space where i promptly bothered T again at work. I called him FREAKING OUT because I thought i would be trapped in this parking lot forever. And I knew that making it to the courthouse would be impossible. T suggested I go into the library and tell them what happened. Because the machine ate my ticket as well!!!

While I am in the middle of having a full scale panic attack on the phone with T (I am really sorry, I really am the worst, but this situation was completely uncalled for. Thanks for understanding), this guy comes up to my car. I roll down my window and he’s like “want me to buzz you out of here?” And I’m like “Uh yes please, can you do that?” and he’s like yeah.

I thought this guy was like a parking lot monitor or something but nope he’s just some random guy. There was a help button on the thing where you insert your card, and he tells the person who answered that my card failed and I need let out. And it worked. I drove off, thanking this kind stranger. Thank you again kind stranger for helping me. Without that guy, I would probably still be trapped in the parking lot or I would’ve been there a lot longer. So wow. Now that I’m not stuck in the middle of that terrible situation, I can really appreciate the kindness of the stranger. I said thanks, and I hope that guy knows I meant it.

So I left the parking lot, and turned down a one way street the wrong way. Oops. But I quickly pulled into and alley. Luckily like no one was on that street nearby. I pulled out right by the parking lot I should’ve went to in the first place and parked. It was about 4:15pm. I walked up to the booth and got a ticket from the person inside and then fast walked across the street to the parking lot with my wallet, my envelope full of papers, and my keys in hand. (And no cell phone this time.) I walked around the whole building only to find one side with an actual entrance (what do courthouses have to be so confusing?). I threw my stuff into the metal detector and walked through the metal detector and I said to the security officer “I know I’m like super late but where’s the clerk’s office?” And they told me it was floor 2, just off the elevator. The building is super old and cool btw.

And so i took the elevator and just like they said, there was the clerk’s office. It was literally like 4:26pm but I made it. They got my paperwork and will call me tomorrow to tell me when my case is. I ******** did it fam. But my god what a nightmare.

The saving grace was that the weather was nice to be walking all around downtown Fort Wayne, though I couldn’t really appreciate it at the time because I was panicking. I really like my city. And now I know to only ever park in that one parking lot, the tried and true. And also, now I know how to enter the courthouse. But I did something today that was really hard for me. Even though I was anxious, scared, and I’m a huge idiot, I still did it. The parking lot I park by is right next to a shop that sells vegan ice cream, and I almost got myself some as a treat, but I figured I’d probably break down and start crying like an idiot in front of the ice cream people and I’d be taken away in a straight jacket or something, so I decided to just go home. Oh, and the lot i was so worried about paying for was only a dollar…why did i get so worked up about it in the first place? Because my brain is weird and stupid sometimes. I’m trying to help my brain not be so stupid. It’s a lifelong process. But again, I did the thing. It’s over. And it’s a nice day.

Hoo boy.

Awww thank you for reading this. I literally had to write it to process it haha. And glad to know you know the feeling. I’m sorry to hear about what happened at your meeting. I’m sure it felt cathartic to cry, but it’s also hard to be that human and vulnerable in front of people sometimes, i know it is for me. But it’s always good to stick up and advocate for yourself, even if you feel like crying. And I’m glad you did that by reaching out to your boss, and me being determined to get to the courthouse haha.

I love you guys so much. And we are excited to see you guys again! Hopefully we get there early enough to see Bryan for a bit! Well try to leave as soon as T gets off work heart

I wish i could take a wait mate because i have four days of work ahead of me before our fun times aaaaaaa except I’m excited cuz on Wednesday i have something to look forward to at least giving myself a shot hahaha

I’m excited for you guys to have a chill week I’m sure the bball game will be really fun.

Well he’s for sure going to help. There’s a lot of steps sorta lol

Also, this weekend is gonna rock so hard!!

I'm glad we can be here for each other too <3 we are my favorite people!

It sucks to feel like you cannot show emotion for sure. I am glad you have been able to get past the trauma and working through it. I think at the end of the day I am a HSP (highly sensitive person) but try my best to act like I'm not and it can be really hard. I have watched some YouTube arm chair people and have self-diagnosed myself lol.

Love you guyzz