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 Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2022 5:39 pm
It was cold outside. Distantly, Devyn recognized this, but the chill of the winter night didn’t really compare to the ice he felt inside of him. He felt like he’d been dunked in cold water and held there so long that his bones had turned to ice. He might have thought his blood was frozen solid too if he didn’t hear the steady thumping of his heartbeat.
He was vaguely aware of his movement; Michael had led him outside and they’d walked a bit. Not far from the house. He could have kept walking, but a railing stopped him. It didn’t matter how cold it was, he’d propped his elbows onto it almost immediately.
He had a headache. He was dizzy. All of his scars were throbbing at best, and felt torn open at worst. He felt a thread in his mind, as if someone was unraveling it. Sometimes it felt like it was coming undone so quickly that it burned. Sometimes it felt like someone was yanking on it, jostling the thoughts he’d carefully stitched together to avoid what he’d already known.
Devyn didn’t understand it, not the how’s or why’s. He felt like he couldn’t trust his own mind, but–what else did he have? If not himself, the words of strangers. Strangers, trusted by the only people he trusted on Earth.
He didn’t understand how it was possible to feel like you were floating and sinking at the same time, like you were imploding and being pulled in a thousand different directions.
It was good he hadn’t eaten recently, he probably would have thrown it up.
His heart was pounding, practically rattling around in his chest, but he didn’t look upset, not really. Maybe it was shock, maybe it was denial. His brows were knitted together a bit and his gaze was farway, on some tree across the yard. He might have been paler, but the glow of the house was behind them and the moon was hidden between waves of clouds. Even if the light had been good, he hadn’t gotten enough sun to change his complexion from when he’d first arrived.
His breathing might have seemed steady, if there wasn’t a constant puff of warm breath coming from him; the cold made it more difficult to hide that.
He didn’t seem to care. For a few seconds, or a moment, or maybe more, he hadn’t said anything. The reality of everything felt like a precariously stacked mountain of blocks and one wrong move would send everything tumbling down. He was coming unraveled from the inside already, he didn’t want to open the gates to anything else.
His thoughts were everywhere and nowhere, and he didn’t know what he wanted to say, if anything. He didn’t know if he had questions, he didn’t know if he needed to thank Michael, or apologize, or–
He didn’t know.
So the silence chipped away at him. The cold brought another sensation to deal with, like a heavy block of ice in his mind, weighing down and down and down until he felt like everything might shatter.
He was quiet, because he didn’t know what else to be. His heart was loud in his ears, but he was quiet. When he stood there, when he breathed, when he spoke. His voice was soft, louder than a whisper but not quite a conversational volume despite the fact that it was obviously directed at Michael.
He asked, in a voice he didn’t really recognize as his own, “Did you know?”
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Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2022 6:59 pm
Did you know was a difficult question to answer. Michael stood beside Devyn at the railing, but he had turned to face the house instead of out over the pool and gardens. He had his arms crossed over his chest, ankle crossed over the other as he leaned with his back against the rail.
“I knew Paris would know,” he said quietly, his breath creating fog in the cold air. It wasn’t a lie. He did know that Paris would know what happened to Percy Martel. More than he knew, except for the fact that he now had the starseed of the young man that Devyn had been so desperately looking for.
“I’m sorry.” His voice was soft, sincere. There was guilt in it too. He could have told Devyn all this time, but instead he kept pulling him along.
Maybe there was a part of him that wanted Devyn to stay. He didn’t know if it was him or his starseed that made his heart feel like he should be on his knees, begging Devyn to stay. The idea was a little dramatic, so Michael was inclined to believe it was his starseed.
“It was wrong of me to keep that from you. But we were still trying to determine who you were. If you were from another time period, or if you were a doppelganger, or something else entirely.” Devyn not being able to remember what happened might have meant he wasn’t the original Devyn.
“It’s not every day we have people who seem like they were frozen in time show up on Earth.”
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Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2022 7:37 pm
He was quiet for another long moment. It wasn’t that Michael’s answer was particularly complex, it’s just that the crumbling labyrinth of Devyn’s mind was making it hard to think.
He could feel mountains moving, dust unsettling. It felt like ice cracking. It felt like he was being buried alive. He could feel the pressure over every inch of his body, but worst in his mind. He moved, just slightly. In some futile effort to ease the pain, he massaged his temple.
It did nothing. His ears were ringing.
“I don’t blame you,” he said. He didn’t. Maybe he’d have done the same if their roles were swapped. If he knew what was going on.
He still wasn’t sure.
His breath hitched, and his heart skipped a few beats and then made up for them in rapid succession. His chest hurt, but he didn’t do anything to try and ease that. There wasn’t any point, not for any of this.
He didn’t feel frozen in time. He felt pulled from it, yanked through it. He had the wear and tear of all of those years, except now it was sinking in. Now, he could feel it. The memories were there, untouched. Distant, but only because he kept them at bay. They trickled through the cracks like a flood ready to drown him.
Michael didn’t deserve that. Nobody did, probably. He couldn’t remember the last time he was so upset.
He could have, if he let the memories in.
But he didn’t want to. Not here, not now. Not like this.
He couldn’t fight them forever, but he didn’t have to put anyone else through that. He didn’t want an audience.
“I think I’m me.” He didn’t feel like a copy. “I don’t think I was frozen in time, either.”
No, he remembered when his world was bright, and vibrant. He’d always remembered that. He hadn’t let himself remember watching it die, but it was there and he knew. He was there for that, just like he’d been for Percy, and–
He exhaled sharply, and his fingers dug into the railing because he didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t feel like he was in control of himself. Or anything.
He felt like Michael deserved more. He didn’t need to be out here in the cold when his family was inside. Briefly, he recalled how Michael kept his distance, how Paris had been forceful with him. Maybe it meant something. Maybe it didn’t.
His stream of consciousness was watery at best, and every idea felt like a wave slamming against a cliffside.
But, Michael was there. He wasn’t completely alone in this. He should be though, he should go. And yet, he couldn’t bring himself to move.
“I don’t know what I’m doing.”
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Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2022 8:08 pm
Michael was glad that Devyn wasn’t looking at him, because he didn’t think he could have kept his expression from not being skewed by the sorrow and agony he felt. Not from his own thoughts or memories, but from the orb against his chest.
The temptation to reach up and hold it away from his heart was strong. A fruitless attempt to keep it from echoing through his chest, into his very soul. He could feel the pressure that must have been bearing down on Devyn, because he felt the same way once. He could still feel it sometimes. It woke him up at night, unable to breathe, unable to process where he was or what was going on.
But Devyn was going through something else, and Michael couldn’t imagine what living through a thousand years of memories sped up was like.
Cautiously, Michael reached out to place a hand on Devyn’s shoulder. It was light. He could have removed it easily if it seemed as though Devyn didn’t want to be touched. He knew Devyn needed some kind of grounding.
Over the past half year, Michael had relied heavily on the necklace he wore to keep him from getting lost in his own thoughts. It wasn’t even his necklace, and the guilt that came from even having it was heavy.
He knew he should give it to Devyn. It was connected to him, somehow. And yet all he could do was give his shoulder a squeeze. He kept his distance, like he always did. Over the past few days he knew he’d gotten too close as it was.
“You have promises to keep,” Michael said softly. “And miles to go before you sleep.”
Maybe it was silly to think of again, but everything Devyn did so far only reminded him of that same poem.
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Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2022 8:36 pm
His breath hitched and he held it for a few seconds. Michael’s hand on his shoulder was a weight he could handle, like some extra hand to help stave off the collapse. His voice was welcome; it was something else to fight off the emotions he was barely keeping in check.
He was right.
He had promises to keep. He was only here because of a promise.
He had to fix his world. If he did nothing else, he had to do that. A thousand years had passed–apparently. Ganymede was here. Valhalla.
Maybe Sessrumnir, too.
He felt another spike digging its way into his mind but he nodded.
“And miles to go before I sleep.”
That made sense. What else was he supposed to do, just lay down and give up? If he could have done that, he would have done it the first time, and a thousand times after that.
He was breathing again, slower. He was dizzier now, and held onto the railing a bit tighter. Breathing wasn’t helping much, he felt just as lost
“...I want to go home.”
There wasn’t a permanence to it, it didn’t sound like he wanted to leave Earth, but he wanted to go home. Needed to, maybe. This place that he had spent the past thousand years, apparently. Of course he was homesick. Or just sick.
Falling apart at the seams. He didn’t know what was going to help. Home sounded good, though.
The home in his memories, maybe not the dead world he’d left behind. They were bleeding together. He tasted blood in his mouth but it didn’t hurt anymore than anything else.
He wasn’t sure how much time was passing between his words and his thoughts. He couldn’t tell.
It had probably been that way for a long time.
His voice was uneven, shallow. He was taking the time and effort to sound a little less broken. Maybe he knew what he was doing, maybe he was just doing it out of habit. “The phone from the Mauvian. I use it to take me there,” he said, because that’s what he’d been told. He hadn’t done it before, but they’d shown him. “And it’ll bring me back when I want to come back. Back here?”
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Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2022 6:06 am
Michael knew that Devyn would want to go home, probably soon after finding out the truth. He probably needed time to process, time to think, time to find a way to cope. And to also check on the world he'd been staying alive for, for over a thousand years.
It was still difficult, not knowing if maybe he could have done something differently to make things better, or easier for Devyn. What if Michael had told Devyn the truth? Would he have just left sooner? Maybe without the suggestion of returning?
"I believe that's how it works," Michael said, although he didn't understand Senshi technology completely. He didn't want Devyn to leave, but he knew he couldn't make him stay. He could feel how the orb skipped and then raced in time to what he could only imagine what was going on in Devyn's heart.
And he would be alone again, once he left.
"When you come back," Michael started, because he had faith that Devyn would come back at some point. He removed his hand from Devyn's shoulder so he could reach into his back pocket to pull out one of his credit cards from his wallet and handed it to Devyn.
"In case you end up somewhere other than here, use this to buy food or pay for lodging. Or clothing if you need it," he explained. He didn't know if it would be difficult for Devyn to come back, but just in case he ended up in another place, Michael wanted to be sure he was able to survive.
"You're welcome to stay until after dinner, but if you need to leave now, everyone will understand. If that's the case, if you can wait a few minutes, I can get food so you can take it with you. Mom's pretty good when it comes to cooking," he said, hoping it was tempting enough. He was glad he'd already had Devyn prepare some by storing away nonperishable foods in his subspace, along with the flashlights and replenished supply of first aid.
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Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2022 6:31 am
Devyn trusted Michael. He didn’t know why, it wasn’t like his trust was easily won. Maybe it was just because he’d been alone for so long–that hadn’t been a thousand years. He remembered faces, fleetingly, at some point between then and now. He couldn’t remember the last face he’d seen. Not yet. He didn’t want to remember, not yet.
He wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but it wasn’t like he could stop the memories that came dripping through the cracks.
He still felt like he was going to explode, and he didn’t know what that would look like. He didn’t want to scream in front of Michael, didn’t want to cry or throw up or break things.
He didn’t know if he even wanted to do any of those things.
It all felt unpredictable. He had the distinct sensation of being swept away in the current and shoved underneath the waters, and going down, down, down.
“I’m not doing very well, Michael.”
For the first time, Devyn failed to keep his voice in check. He got the words out well enough, but he didn’t manage to keep the emotion out, and when he realized this, he added quickly, “I don’t think I should stay.”
He didn’t look at him, he couldn’t bring himself to. It was more than just feeling foolish–it was everything. Everything, picking him apart, undoing what he must have spent years–centuries–denying.
A carefully curated mind to keep him going through the nothingness.
He didn’t have it in him to argue or refuse the card; he accepted it with a nod meant to substitute words of gratitude.
He didn’t have an appetite. The thought of food made his stomach twist, almost as much as the idea of disrupting their night any more than he already had. The gesture was appreciated, but there was probably some social law about arriving for dinner and asking for something to-go before it was even served.
He didn’t feel like navigating the politics of it, and if he was going to be as sick as he felt, food was wasted on him anyway.
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Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2022 7:01 am
Michael knew that his heart would break when Devyn found out, but this was a little more than he'd been expecting. He knew it was likely due to their starseeds being in close connection, but even Michael was sure that he felt the pain of everything crumbling. Everything being broken apart and trampled on and turned into dust.
He didn't know why he felt compelled to do so, but Michael reached out to wrap his arms around Devyn's shoulders and pulled him into a tight hug. Maybe because it was what he would have wanted if he'd been brave enough to let someone know when he wasn't doing very well.
Instead, Michael was used to fighting through things on his own, afraid to burden those who could eventually turn their backs on him, or get worn down to the point of not wanting to be around him.
So he held Devyn close, and rubbed his cold back from them both standing outside for so long. He didn't know if it would help, but maybe Devyn would just need a moment to realize that he wasn't physically falling to pieces...
"Let's head down past the pool then?" he suggested, straining his senses to make sure they were alone. But he didn't know if anyone else had the same abilities he did. He was sure there were, and he didn't want to take a huge risk if he could help it. Even just a little distance should help.
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Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2022 7:48 am
In another life, Devyn would have bristled into the hug. He didn’t like his back exposed and he’d needed time to learn that a hug wasn’t just some act of aggression meant to incapacitate and bind. The action itself was surprising, or maybe he was just too frozen to move. Devyn was usually warm but he just felt cold right now.
Michael felt warm. Steady. Real.
He didn’t breathe for the first few seconds, like his brain had to jump onto a different track to process this.
It was a welcome reprieve from everything else. He didn’t want Michael to let go, he didn’t want to go back to dealing with the crumbling infrastructure of his mind.
But, he wasn’t going to make it back to Alastor by just standing here.
He supposed Michael’s suggestion was less about taking a leisurely walk across the grounds and more about putting distance between himself and the house before he powered up.
“You don’t have to come,” he said, quiet because he probably didn’t mean it. It was cold, he could get sick. It was empty out here, lonely. He could have been inside with his family. Warm.
Practically speaking, Michael would have been better off inside. Devyn didn’t mention this, though. He wasn’t putting much effort into convincing Michael to stay. He didn’t say it, but he didn’t want to go alone.
He knew what was waiting for him on Alastor--darkness and solitude and Chaos.
And duty, and regret, and despair.
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Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2022 9:33 am
"No, I don't," Michael agreed. He didn't have to walk with Devyn out in the cold for a while longer. He didn't have to do anything to help him. He didn't have to stay up at night talking to him, or trying to help him prepare to go back to his world. Maybe Michael only did it because he felt guilty that he knew but wouldn't tell him that he wouldn't find the person he was looking for on Earth.
And yet, Michael still found it easier to talk to Devyn than most. He said things out loud that he normally would have kept to himself for whatever reason.
Seeing him in such distress hurt. And it was worse knowing that he probably caused some of it by not telling Devyn sooner what he knew.
Gently, Michael pulled away from Devyn. He took a step back, and then turned to lead the way towards the steps that went to the pool, away from the house. He walked slowly, making sure Devyn was ready to follow him. He also wanted to give him time to think or change his mind or… anything.
"I know I don't have to tell you, but be careful. Please. I haven't dealt with whatever your world is going through. I don't know what else I can give you to help you prepare. But if it gets too overwhelming or you need help, there are people here that would."
It was another reason why he wanted to wait to tell Devyn. He wanted to make sure he knew there were people on Earth that he could trust. People who would help him if he needed it.
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Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2022 11:08 am
He shouldn't have minded when Michael moved away. He knew he was going to have to, but his hand on his shoulder wasn’t so different from a hand reaching into the river to pull him out before he drowned. As soon as it was gone, everything felt worse. He felt like he’d just tumbled down a hill and his stomach was in his throat and his head was three feet behind him, still rolling.
Michael moved slowly enough that he would have been easy to catch up with, but Devyn trailed behind him just slightly. He didn’t know if the steps were easy or difficult. It was one step closer to home, but it was one step closer to home.
One step closer to being alone, but one step closer to being alone.
He didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts, but he that was the only way to deal with them. To have them. He didn’t want it, he just wanted this over.
If he stayed in the cold, he’d have to go numb eventually. Everything would stop. Maybe things would slow down. Maybe he could stand out with Michael for a little longer.
He walked in silence. He repeated Michael’s words in his mind because it was something to give him just a little longer.
‘Careful’ probably wasn’t a word he’d used to describe himself, now or ever, but he’d nodded anyway. Michael had asked nicely, though. He’d said please.
He’d given him tools and supplies, he’d done everything he could to help. Enough to get him by until he found Per–
Devyn stopped walking for a second, if only because he knew the ground had just shifted beneath his feet.
“I’ll be back,” he said.
But, he had promises to keep.
If he had nothing else, he had those, and he would hold himself to them. They were why he was here now, right? Why there wasn’t a plot of land for him, and his bones turned to dust like everyone else.
The ground shifted again; Devyn didn’t trust himself to move yet.
His heart was acting up again, that painful, throbbing, erratic pulse that was sending electricity through his body.
He had to go home. He had to deal with this. With everything.
“Soon,” he added, because it was a commitment. He wasn’t going to go home and do something stupid.
He wasn’t.
He kept his promises. He had to.
They kept him going forward. They kept him here. They were a commitment, and not something he’d ever taken lightly. He wasn’t thinking clearly, not really. Michael had done enough for him already. He hadn’t been owed anything and yet Michael and Peter had looked out for him since he’d run into them. He was still looking out for him now.
Devyn didn’t want him to worry. Was he worrying? Devyn didn’t want him to regret helping him. He wasn’t going to throw anything away. He owed Michael a few favors. He’d said he would help Earth when he figured out how to help Alastor, hadn’t he?
Had he promised? Did Michael know he’d meant it?
He shouldn’t have to worry, Devyn wanted to give him some peace of mind, at least.
“I promise.”
He didn’t think he could save Alastor on his own. He’d thought he’d find Percy here, thought he’d find the solution to fix everything. Thought everything would be okay.
There were people who would help. They just weren’t who he was looking for.
He needed a new plan.
He needed a little more time.
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Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2022 4:56 pm
Michael could almost feel the pain that Devyn was experiencing. He could certainly feel the way the orb sputtered and raced and felt like it was going to stop beating at any moment.
When Devyn stopped suddenly, so did Michael. And he turned to watch him as he stood there and made his promise to be back.
Part of him wanted to offer Devyn the option to stay, instead. He could work out his problems on Earth, right? He didn't need to go back to his World when he was emotionally compromised with all of its unknowns and dangers. He could stay there, and they could sit and talk about things. Michael could figure out a way to confess about knowing more than he let on.
But he also wanted Devyn to have the chance at figuring things out, and maybe being on Earth wouldn't do it for him. Back in Alastor he would be able to confirm what they already told him, hopefully.
"I know," Michael said, his voice quiet and also pulling at emotions he didn't usually allow himself to share. Losing family and friends and lovers was incredibly painful. And Michael knew, for Devyn, Percy was the most important person to him.
"I'm sorry about Percy," he dared to say, but his sympathy was sincere. His own chest ached to think of how much Devyn was suffering. "He's still alive through you. Maybe you can tell me more about him when you're back. I'd like to know what he was like." And more than just because it was his past life.
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Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2022 5:28 pm
Hearts weren’t supposed to spontaneously combust, but Devyn’s seemed like it was trying its hardest to burst out of his chest. His face had settled into something not quite a frown, but not really anything else. His lips were pressed together tightly and his brows were furrowed. He looked tired again, more than he had before.
He didn’t know how to answer. ‘Yes,’ obviously; he’d been eager to talk about Percy at every opportunity before now, but the words didn’t come out this time.
It was different before. He wasn’t remembering him before.
He nodded instead, only a slight gesture. He didn’t want to shake out any more memories.
But, he had to keep moving, so he forced himself to start moving again. Even if the ground was crumbling, even if it felt like it was tearing open beneath him.
He didn’t feel cold anymore but he wasn’t quite numb, not yet. Maybe he should stand outside for a little longer.
No, he didn’t have much longer.
He picked up the pace, fast enough to get a move on but not fast enough that it seemed like he was running away. He wasn’t unlike a wounded animal who just wanted to disappear and lick his wounds, but he didn’t have anyone else on Alastor. There was no comfort there beyond it being a place he knew.
A place he was bound to.
He’d have no kind words, no warmth there.
Devyn didn’t much feel like he deserved any of that now, so maybe it was deserved.
He didn’t speak for a few steps; he faded out of one moment and into the next without much awareness of any of it.
“That’s very kind of you, Michael. Thank you.”
He meant it, obviously. He didn’t have it in him to lie, not right now. He didn’t feel like pandering to social expectations either, so he spoke only the truth. He hadn’t even made it to Alastor and he was exhausted. Different than he had been a week ago, but now it felt worse. It didn’t feel like food or sleep could chase this away.
Didn’t feel like anything could.
Had they gone far enough? Maybe not. His pen was heavy in his pocket. He wasn’t impatient, just–desperate?
He didn't know what he was supposed to do. Nothing made sense. Michael was still working so hard to help him. It would be a long walk back to the house. For a brief second he thought he should just invite him to Alastor but that didn’t make any sense, not for what he was going there for. It was too dangerous, anyway. He wouldn’t put Michael through that. He’d put him through enough already.
“I’m sorry for all of this trouble. I’ll make it up to you.”
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Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2022 5:43 pm
“There’s no trouble. You don’t have to make anything up to me, Dev,” he said, his voice still soft as they walked beyond where the pool was, covered for winter. The lights from the house illuminated the path more than the decorative path lights that were meant to be used in addition to the brighter lights that remained off. Beyond the pool was still a manicured lawn, although right now it was mostly covered by the recent snowfall.
And as they walked, a few flakes fell here and there, and Michael paused to look up at the sky. There was nothing to see except the rolling clouds overhead, but he could remember the shimmer of light when Archideus exploded. He could still remember how the lights spread across the magical ceiling while they were on the moon. And the excited way Chris told him what he and Paris had discovered on their Worlds.
Then Devyn showed up.
It was all too much of a coincidence to not be connected, but he also didn’t have enough evidence to prove it one way or another.
All he knew was that his past life’s husband had shown up in Destiny City-- and what…? Michael had enjoyed his company for the handful of days he was there? It seemed rather anticlimactic, but it was better this way, Michael decided. Devyn said he would come back at some point, and that was all he could plan on.
Ask him to stay. He’ll be too vulnerable if he gets lost to his memories.
“You can stay if you want,” he heard himself saying, but immediately closed his mouth. It was unfair of him to say that, to expect Devyn to try and figure things out here. Michael pressed his lips together and glanced away from Devyn as snow fell around them, collecting in their hair and clothing. Which…
Michael reached up to unbutton his jacket. He pulled his wallet and keys out of the pocket to put into his pants pockets instead, and handed Devyn the jacket. “I’ve got another coat at the house. You won’t know what the weather will be like when you get back. I don’t want you to freeze if it’s snowing like this when you do.”
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Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2022 7:07 pm
“You’ll run out of clothes if you always hand them out like this,” he said, but he wasn’t in any state to decline. He accepted the coat but didn’t put it on. Michael had offered that he could stay, but he must have known that Devyn wouldn’t have been able to.
A part of him wanted to stay, very badly. He just didn’t know how he was supposed to get through this if he didn't have his world supporting him. It was battered, it was broken, but it was strong. He was stronger back there. Here, what was there to do?
Where could he go? Where could he prove the things they said?
There was a lump in his throat, like maybe his body thought if it shut down just enough then he wouldn’t be able to leave.
But, he had to.
He had to make sure his world was okay. He had to sort through his memories. He had to figure this out.
He couldn’t do that here, no matter how much support he had.
His pen was in his hand, but he didn’t remember pulling it out. He held it so tightly it was a wonder it didn’t crack, but it was sturdy. He’d broken it a handful of times before, this wouldn’t be the last time he manhandled it. He looked like he was waiting for permission, for approval that this was far enough away. He wouldn’t take long, it was just power up, use the phone, and then–
“I won’t be long. I’ll keep track of time. I just need to–”
He shrugged, because the words were coming a little harder now. Flashes of memories, pieces of his life that he’d meticulously buried, were coming quicker now. Stronger.
“I’ll be back.”
He couldn’t stay on his world forever; Michael knew that he didn’t have much up there to sustain himself, and he’d helped Devyn pack supplies. He could ration well, but it would only last for so long.
He felt like he needed to apologize again, but Michael had already assured him it wasn’t necessary. He held the coat a little closer. “So take care of yourself, please.”
So Peter didn’t worry. So Devyn didn’t have to.
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