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It was in moments of pure panic that Lavendulan lost all sense of self, of reason. The ability to think clearly and process what was going on around her crumbled beneath the pure feral youma instincts that demanded she fights to survive.

The first time something like this happened was after her initial spar with Wolframite when they still lived in the barracks. Waking in a room not her own with a young man sitting on the edge of the bed. His back towards her, thankfully, but that didn’t stop Laven from attacking Winter and tackling him to the ground.

This time, however, it was different. When she heard footsteps in the hallway, voices mumbling on the other side of the door, she did not linger long to find out who was about to walk in. Did not stay to ask what they wanted. Cared little of the consequences of fleeing from the unknown auras.

Lavendulan was injured.

Unlike Wolframite, her physical appearance did change and she was not prepared for the newly formed scales that expanded down her back, over her hips, around her ribs, and over her collarbone. Felt like something was clawing at her from within, rending tender flesh and replacing it with more youma aspects, stealing from her what few human features she had left.

Yet, that wasn’t what worried her most. It was the voice, an echo of memory once thought lost that snapped back into place. A woman whispering the words “I wonder…” in her ear. A curious question but one that held so much vicious intent. A hand plunged into her chest and then she was falling; a glimpse of blond hair and green eyes then-

The door to the infirmary room started to crack open and Laven panicked, she fled. Teleported to the last place she ever wanted to return to yet the only place that was on her mind.

The frozen lake.

Where it all happened. Where a sudden end became a new beginning; her death as a human, and birth as a half-youma. The icy waters were numbing in its coldness, silencing the sounds of footsteps and murmured words, enveloping her in a known cocoon of comfort she did not know was needed. Aches were dulled and Lavendulan allowed herself to just sink to the bottom, lay in a bed of undisturbed sediment, and just closed her eyes.

A moment of peace was disgustingly short lived.

An aura that followed parched at the water's edge; a black silhouette obscured by the sheet of ice and water that separated them. For a fleeting second Lavendulan considered waiting him out knowing full well that she could last longer in this frigid weather than he could.

But… that would be unfairly cruel to someone who did not deserve her ire.

She did not need to see his face to know that it was Lopezite who was waiting above for he was the only one who knew of this lake and had visited it before. Granted it was roughly two years ago when he found her here, but that didn’t diminish the surprise that he still remembered where to find it.

Still, if he was here then he knew what had happened-what she’d done. Likely summoned to watch and make sure that she didn’t harm anyone else. Or worse- Without even seeing his face, she could imagine the disappointment he must feel towards her.

Lavendulans' heart wrenched at the thought, pressed the heels of her palm against her chest to dull the aching pain of it and closed her eyes again.

Ten, fifteen, thirty seconds passed and still, he waited.

Forty-five, fifty-two, fifty-nine… a full minute passed before she finally stirred. The sediment around her shifted, muddying the water. Swimming was a lot like flying, or so she imagined by the weightless feeling except that for her the horizon was up where the other was down.

Lavendulan reached the surface, both palms pressed against the mildly thin sheet of ice yet she didn’t have much in the way of strength to push through it. Still- she tried. Sharp claws gouged it from beneath until cracked, webbed from where she pushed against it; a startlingly loud sound beneath the water and yet-

Air…

Cold and crisp, stung her lungs when she drew in an actual breath but heaven above it smelled so clean and fresh.

She reached up, grabbed hold of the edge of the wooden dock with a weakened grip and pulled herself up. A part of her felt like a child getting out of the pool in the deep end, not knowing to kick her feet to get momentum to pull herself up and out when the lifeguard blew his whistle.

Damn it… ******** gravity for making her limbs- her everything… feel so very heavy. Underwater she felt at peace but here, it felt like there were invisible weighted chains shackling her to the spot she now lay since the simple task of sitting was too much of a burden for her right now

Lavendulan’s mind spun with things she ought to say but none made it past her lips; not even a shiver or chatter from the weather caused her to stir. She just laid there, clearly still exhausted from the whole ordeal.

Laven felt like a fish out of water, and not the ones that were still floundering around fighting to survive. No, more like the ones just laying there with that vacant expression and unspoken plea to just ‘end me.’ Unfortunately, Lopezite wasn’t about to offer her that sort of kindness. She knew him well enough that he wouldn’t harm her in such a way.

Still, even as he wrapped his cape around her, she found it nigh impossible to look up and instead focused her gaze on the red sash around his waist.

She shook her head, a small gesture but still perceptible, “I’m fine,” she replied quietly. A small white lie since she didn’t know how to explain that the hurt she felt wasn’t just a physical pain. That sharp sensation she felt before had dulled, leaving her body feeling bruised and beaten. Beyond that though.. her pride was definitely wounded too.

“I’m sorry…” This wasn’t- how it was supposed to happen… At the end of it, she should have felt elated, tired yes but eager to celebrate the accomplishment. Instead, it seemed more and more like it was a mistake, or a punishment for something she didn’t know what to attribute it to. Probably laziness since it took her two years to get to this point when it took others only a couple of months. Then again, non half-youma agents had an easier time doing their due diligence and didn’t have to rely on others when it came to simple tasks such as energy gathering.

Even so, was that really an excuse?

With some level of effort, Laven shifted, moved to sit up, and drew her knees close so she could rest her chin upon them. With a somewhat loose grip, Lavendulan pulled his cape taught around her shoulders.

A part of her wanted to just lean her head against his shoulder and pull what comfort she could after the ordeal she’d gone through, but the other part wanted to just lean forward and fall back into the hole she’d just created. It’d be convenient to blame the conflicting natures of human versus youma that she often dealt with but both were definitely human reactions. Fight or flight and while she’d already tried the fleeing part, she wasn’t in the mind to fight; not him anyway.

Marissa… a name that almost sounded foreign to her.

The time spent in glamor was so few and far between that unless she was spending time with Samir, or treating herself to a coffee at some cafe, months would go by without ever hearing someone call her by it. On rare occasions, it would take two to three times before she’d respond to it. A by-product of two years spent in the Dark Kingdom relying on the generosity of her superiors to let her out of the prison that had somehow incidentally become her home.

Yes, she shared a home with Wolframite in the Ruins of the Dark Kingdom. It offered a small semblance of normalcy back into her life; no longer needing to share walls with strangers in the barracks, able to cook her own food in the kitchen rather than eat cafeteria food.

For a year Lavendulan had clung to the hope of being human again, to be able to work again amongst her peers earning a liveable wage. To be able to go to the movies without worrying about losing her glamor before the end of it. A year and a half was spent trying to expand her research to develop some item that would allow her the time she so desperately wanted.

Being half-youma also implies that she, and those like her, were half-human too and yet two hours never felt like enough time to be human. Youma shared the same timeframe so what really was the difference between them? Origin perhaps, but according to Wolframite, they were once human too so that couldn’t be the reason.

Did it matter?

Probably not since there were so few of them anyway and it seemed that she was the only one passionate about holding on to the life she once had. Broken-hearted and shattered dreams, unable or unwilling to let it go. Someday she may find the strength but now was not that day, tomorrow likely would not be it either.

In two years Lavendulan hadn’t accomplished much of anything, yet Lopezite spoke her praises to Axinite, and although she didn’t want to voice it, that kindness felt undeserved. Graduation based on participation rather than merits or achievements. Perhaps now that she was a captain, this was her opportunity to change that. To do better, except for the definite fact she did not want to go through the pain of a promotion again; especially since she was certain that she wouldn’t survive it if only because of the very real possibility she may injure a Sovereign again.

Not a risk worth taking…

“I can’t go back…” Laven’s voice sounded broken, no different from someone who knew the full gravity of their situation; knowing she’d done something unforgivable and there would be consequences even if her actions were unintentional.

“When you found me… I thought this was a joke. The horns, the scales…” It’s why her arms and hands were bloody because she had tried to claw them off her. “Either the pain was so bad when it happened that I blocked out the memory, or it happened when I was unconscious… I don’t know. But- If I’d know, or- If I’d remembered… I wouldn’t have gone through with it.”

She knew herself well enough that her pain threshold was rather low. Because of that, it was definitely not a risk worth taking.

“I didn’t-” Hesitantly, with some forced effort, she looked up at him. Her face was a blotchy red and light purple where it feathered the edge of her blue-tinted skin. “I didn’t mean to hurt him, Lopezite. You have to believe me.” Lavendulan fought to hold back the tears but it was wasted effort as they fell freely onto his cape. With the back of her hand, she tried to wipe them away, but they would not stop.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

You should be… Monsters were unpredictable and try as she might to pretend her humanity was in full control, moments like this were a harsh reminder that even though she could play make-believe and walk around in glamor, at the end of the day she was still a half-youma. That alone should be reason enough to be wary.

Sill… Lopezite held her carefully and Laven, in her current state of mind, didn’t have the will nor desire to push him away. Instead, she shifted, turned so the horns atop her head were pointed away from him rather than resting against his collarbone, and tucked her head beneath his chin.

In rare moments such as this, Laven could feel her heart wrench, twisted with sharp claws that nicked open old scars and made them bleed anew. Now more than ever, she wished her brother, Nathan, was still alive. If not to comfort her, then to take her place. No doubt he would have been an exemplary agent, especially in situations such as these.

Panicked and emotionally distraught, not a fun combination. Not for her at least, and likely not for Lopezite either. Still- where other Generals may have told her to ‘suck it up buttercup’ or ‘deal with it’ and walk away, he offered the same level and manner of support as the first time he had found her here.

A blessing. Simply put, that is what he was to her. Perhaps that’s why she felt so embarrassed and ashamed of her current behavior. All she wanted to do was make him Proud. He spoke highly of her to Axinite but then-

Mistakes were made- and she was the product of those mistakes.

Lopezite’s mention of Axinite’s actions, however, confused her greatly.

She was a nobody, a lieutenant of very few achievements, well- before she got made Captain. A wallflower of sorts but with scales instead of petals and pointed horns and claws in place of thorns. Laven couldn’t understand why the Sovereign would choose to stay in the infirmary when he no doubt had other more important matters to attend to. His arm, for one, likely needed attention. But-

He said that Axinite didn’t mention being hurt, so maybe- did she have at least some measure of control in her panicked state of mind to not actually hurt him? Or was he just hiding it so as to not raise a concern? Likely the latter of the two if she were to hazard a guess.

Thinking so intently on this was beginning to make her head hurt.

She felt like a child, a whelping if someone wanted to be technical about it. Either way, she was quiet for several minutes until finally she was able to calm down enough. Laven sniffled, a gross sound with how runny her nose was from crying but she refused to even consider using his cape as a kleenex, or her arm for that matter.

Emotionally she was a wreck, physically, well- she felt less like she had been thrown in a blender and more like she’d just fallen down a full flight of stairs. The initial sharp pain dulled to something akin to a full-body bruise, tolerable but not quite ignorable.

“I hate hospitals,” her voice, a quiet whisper. “Same with doctors' offices and infirmaries.” No good news ever comes from those places. The only time anyone goes is because something is wrong; tests done that might not even give an answer or solution, and even if they somehow manage to save a life nobody is made new when they finally leave. Long-term care or a lengthy recovery was the best anyone could ask for.

It’s true, they’d saved her life once; when she’d been bitten by the shark while scuba diving. And the medical aids in the infirmary had, by some miracle, saved Wolframite too after he’d been shot. But the same couldn’t be said for Nathan. Her fear of the place no doubt stemmed from her brothers' death and likely wasn’t something she’d ever get over.

For the last two years, Lavendulan had found it increasingly difficult to ask for help. Be it assistance with her research project or the simple act of asking for someone to take her to Destiny City so she could fulfill her quota; it made her feel more of a nuisance or bother. Over time it had made her pull more inward, become more of a recluse; staying either in her home or in her office with doors shut and only leaving if absolutely necessary.

Things had gotten easier for a time, but since Wolframite’s recovery; he had been assigned several missions that kept him away for long periods of time. Most she was not privy to, in part her rank or something about confidentiality; either way, he would have taken her along if it was something she could handle or told her if it was anything other than need-to-know.

As it was, she didn’t expect him to be home for at least a week, if not longer.

“I don’t want to be alone-” she admitted quietly.

It’s true, she had inadvertently teleported to a remote place like this but, for the most part, it was a fairly subconscious act done out of pure panic. It was less about being alone as it was getting out of the infirmary. Yes, she would have been content there in the lake for a couple of hours, or even days. But-

But there was a measure of relief she felt now that she had calmed down enough to listen more carefully and see things as they were and not as her mind imagined them to be.

Laven wanted to add she wasn’t hungry, only tired, but he knew better than most how much of a lie that would be. One thing she remembered was how famished Lopezite was after his promotion, even Axinite had offered snacks and drinks before-

Well, before current events found her here.

“I don’t want to go back.” He’d already said she didn’t need to but she couldn’t avoid the Dark Kingdom overlong. Eventually, she’d need to return. “I just don’t know where I can go other than here…”

Two hours was hardly enough glamor, but with how tired she felt, Laven wasn’t at all confident she’d be able to hold it even for 30-minutes. Where else could she stay that wouldn’t put them both in danger simply because her signature was more than it was a day ago.

Lavendulan stiffened at the mention of his office. The thought of being that close to the Sovereigns made her stomach churn in a way that he should be thankful that she hadn’t eaten anything in several hours, if not a day; she wasn’t sure how long she’d been in the infirmary.

His offer to bring his dogs, however, gave her reason to relax a small bit. So lively and full of unbound energy. She loved seeing them even if they’d left her with a small bruise or two from excited wagging tails or being jumped on. It came with the territory and she didn’t mind.

However, they only recognized her as Marissa. And while her scent was unchanged, her appearance as Lavendulan was quite different. However, more than that though, was that in order to bring them, Lopezite would have to teleport them to his office. She remembered the uneasy feeling from being teleported, how lightheaded and off-balance she felt; it took a while to get used to and she worried that bringing them to the Dark Kingdom would actually make them sick.

No, as much as she wanted to see them, Laven wouldn’t be so selfish as to subject them to that.

If it was Springtime then she might have entertained the idea of a tent but it was not. In fact, it was winter and he would get sick if they stayed out in this weather. Willing or not, she couldn’t ask that of him.

Between the two options, it felt like the lesser of two evils; one was anxiety-inducing while the other would have her worrying over him. Lavendulan shook her head to both, took in a deep breath, and considered other options.

“Are you able to see if the cabin is vacant?” It was an old conversation she had with the former owners; this property was used more often in the warmer months with the private access to the lake. Winter, it was harder to fill due to the long driveway and heavy snowfall. Renters would end up staying longer than they’d meant to and wouldn’t have means of paying for additional knights due to being stuck until the weather cleared.

There was a chance, albeit a small one, that the place was empty and if so she knew that the cabin had three rooms, two baths. The owner had a game closet and an entertainment system with a decent collection of older movies. That is… assuming that the cabin hadn’t been sold in the last two years. In which case she wasn’t entirely sure what to expect or if it was safe for him to look inside.

His reasoning was sound; two years ago she fell through the ice and today she broke it easily with her claws. When she rented the cabin two years ago it was because it had been listed at an incredibly cheap price. A place of clean fresh air and silence away from honking horns and exhaust fumes. She didn’t choose this place for the extra activities.

Eventually, Lavendulan nodded her head, wordlessly agreeing to his suggestion of a hot bath and food for them to share when she felt hungry. “Will you take me with you?” Lavendulan asked quietly despite how pathetic it made her feel since she had no energy left to teleport herself or even walk the short distance without needing help.

“Please?”