The first time Lopezite had pulled a starseed, it hadn’t been anything amazing. It hadn’t felt wrong, it hadn’t been world changing. It had been strange.

He hadn’t touched a starseed until he was a General, and by some accounts maybe he should have been ashamed but it just hadn't been necessary. He’d always collected his energy quota and he’d always completed his expected tasks.

Starseeds were optional, and he didn’t want to touch one.

The first time he’d pulled a starseed, he’d been in the right place at the right time.

The back alley behind a seedy bar had always been a good place to gather energy. When he thought he heard movement, he expected that his night would be like all other nights--a drunkard, already about to pass out. Ripe with energy that would recover over the next few days, anyway.

Instead, he’d found a man, unconscious. Not breathing. Froth at his mouth and a needle in his arm. He had no pulse. Honestly, Lopezite had done as much as he could for him. He’d tried to resuscitate him.

And then, before it was wasted, he’d taken the starseed.

It hadn’t occurred to him what would happen to it after he’d brought it to the Dark Kingdom. He hadn’t really even thought much of it. The whole thing had been a matter of circumstance. Pieces fell into place, and that was that.

The second time he pulled a starseed, it was deliberate.

The second time, he’d done it because his life depended on it.

Senshi had magic. Senshi weren’t supposed to come equipped with sharp things.

They’d been talking one second. Fighting the next.

He didn’t remember much outside of a knife in his rib cage.

So he put his hand through their chest.

His adrenaline had moved him, even when he wasn’t sure what he was even supposed to be doing. He didn’t remember pushing the Senshi off of him. He didn’t remember going to the Dark Kingdom. He didn’t remember the infirmary. Didn’t remember leaving the starseed with them.

He vaguely remembered someone else taking him home. He remembered waking up with the dogs in bed with him.

Suddenly, it felt like he was living two lives again. Like he was only ever one half of a whole, and the pieces would never come together.

He’d only ever struggled with the balance when this had first started, and back then he’d had Aubrey to balance him out.

...Now, he could have gone to the Negaverse, but he didn’t know if he could talk about this strangeness. He didn’t want to seem weak. Didn’t want to be doubted, or questioned.

She had been different, by nature of being in the Dark Mirror Court. An ally, but not one that could have turned him in. No one who would have to worry about him making a mistake.

Maybe he was just burned out. Maybe he’d just pushed himself too hard.

Maybe he just needed a break.

The only good thing about being stabbed was that he had an excuse to stay in bed without feeling guilty.