Welcome to Gaia! ::

Hawara knelt down to the slumped body of a young boy, late middle or early high school age probably, who had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. The sparkling starseed in the Uranus knight's hands hovered a moment before moving towards and phasing in to the unconscious form it belonged to. The boy didn't move - it would take some time for them to recover, but at least this time Hawara had been able to return their starseed.

Too many times had he happened upon the soulless husk of a human, alive, but never to awake. In the beginning, he was conflicted on what to do. Then, he decided the 'kindest' thing he could do was to provide a mercy kill. Better that their families bury their loved one than to spend countless thousands on life support, hoping beyond hope, for something that would never happen. He took no pleasure in this self-given task. It was a bitter thing.

Hawara scooped up the slim figure and set them on a near by bench. The Knight would stand guard until they regained consciousness and had a safe way home. With a sigh, he summoned his cellphone out of subspace and started writing a text to Lukas;



He hit send and placed the phone back in subspace. Looking at the unconscious civilian Hawara sighed again. He should have roughed up the newbie he had taken the boy's starseed back from more. There had been a time when he would have been completely merciless and sent the agent back surviving only by the skin of their teeth - to send a message. After Lukas has awakened as Mocona....perhaps a little before then even...Hawara had backed off considerably. He didn't want his actions to make a target out of those he cared about. It had been one thing when he had nothing and no one to be targeted. Now, he wasn't taking chances.

But starseeds you just did not mess with. Even when he was Bismuthite, he never took a starseed. If he stood for nothing else, it was the protection of one's starseed. Dark, light, cracked, whole... What choices one made to effect and change that was irrelevant - destruction of that was intolerable.

A power signature started to lick at the periphery of Hawara's senses. A signature both agent and youma. Leaning against the building beside the bench where the civilian lay, he kept track of that signature.

It was coming closer.

Hawara's eyes settled on the form approaching, but made no move lest it provoke the Captain. From appearance and feel he could tell this one was at least part youma - something that could sway the balance of power in her favor in certain situations. He wasn't looking for a fight without reason, and he knew well enough that a lot of agents weren't either.

He couldn't help a small tug at the corner of his lips at her statement, "Good - maybe they'll think twice before going after a starseed. After all," he shrugged, "That's all I ask."

Perhaps it was a lax stance for a knight, to only care about the well being of the starseeds of the general populace, but it wasn't a stance that he'd come to without fair thought and reason.

He glanced at the civilian, who showed no signs of stirring yet. Indeed, it was better that way so long as Hawara and this Captain were talking.

"I never did agree with taking starseeds - take all the energy you could want, that will replenish with time, but to take someone's soul and destroy their chances at ever being reborn again?" Hawara shook his head, "Not even when I was one of you could I bring myself to do that."

There was no malice or derision in his phrase 'one of you.' He held some...complicated feelings regarding the Negaverse, but moreover Chaos as a whole. After all, calling them 'Chaos' and 'Order' was a bit of a misnomer, wasn't it? There was a reflection of that complicated emotion playing in his eyes as he seemed deep in thought before collecting himself and an assurance in the views he had come to in these past years. Only then did he again set their rose-quartz stare on the Captain in almost cinematic flair.

"They once called me Bismuthite."

Hawara was not surprised to hear that she'd heard his name and what he'd done. He somewhat expected it, although he didn't know the context or extent in which she'd heard about it. That didn't really matter to him. This captain professed to have similar views on the taking of starseeds - Hawara wondered if he could use this person as an opportunity to try something he had been wanting to try~ But first, to answer her question...

"Why?" he echoed, and delivered his answer with the pomp and dignified air that he'd spent many years perfecting as an agent, "Though I reject Chaos, I don't exactly embrace order either, regardless of what this aura would say.... And because I choose to believe in being reasonable first, lethal later" His voice dropped it's tone for a lower, more serious one that left little room to wonder if he meant the words that followed, "I have no problem in eliminating someone who threatens me, but neither am I unreasonable. I've been around long enough to know more than many, and am well enough versed on both sides to have my own thoughts on matters, as you apparently know."

Oh poor Laven, perhaps a fight would have been preferable to the monologue of an old veteran, but here it came with the casual inhale of breath and what surely would have been some minor pacing if he were more comfortable with the other;

"I don't believe in putting my entire life on the line for a war that no side can win. there will always be 'Order' and 'Chaos.' One cannot exist without the other - they define one another. Where the problem lies in one seeking to overthrow the other, instead of keeping a balance. But who can blame either side, when it is in our nature to want to conquer?"

He spread his hands, palm-up in an expression of resigned indifference, before dropping them. He reguarded the captain for a moment, Again wondering if he could, or rather should, lay out further his philosophy that many a lng night were spent sifting through until he had refined it down to something he could finally give words to. he decided to take the opportunity, given that she seemed perhaps as given to reason as he was.

Hawara leaned back against the wall behind him, the Civillian on the bench beside him still slumbering without any care for what went on around him

"Now, if you would permit me to further dissertate; Think of 'Chaos' more as 'Control' and 'Order' as 'Freedom.' When one is born, they are inherently a part of 'Order,' until an outside force comes along and plants the chains of Chaos on them. So one could reasonably say that 'Order' or 'Freedom' is the natural state of things. 'Chaos' or 'Control' has to be in some way imposed upon a free being, you follow me?" He paused briefly for Laven to grasp the basic concept.

"Chaos....well it starts out good enough at first, as I'm sure you know, but then it seeps in to your mind, and with each passing day your thought and ideals become more controlled by Chaos and you start to do things that you never would have dared stomach the idea of before, until you aren't you anymore, but another piece of armor or a weapon for Metallia, or any other spectre who lies behind the power of Chaos, looking exert control. Chaos takes, and takes, it binds, and subjugates..."

Hawara then motioned at Laven, "Look at you, and think of what Chaos has taken from you in order to tie you to it. I know as even the least bit youma, you can have no normal life amongst civilians. Now think of all the dreams you once had, all the things you wanted to be - a satisfying career? Travel the world? Friends, fam-....to be a mother, perhaps?" He paused, letting the words sink in.

Hawara knew this was playing a bit to his manipulative tendencies, something he was good at, and try as he might, he couldn't quite hold back. It was something he had in common with Chaos, and perhaps that little gray cloud of it that had always been present in him, and always would be.

"These are things you cannot have because no matter how much you think you control your life, or how much freedom Chaos would have you believe you have, you are their slave and they don't care how much they have to take from you to keep you under their control. And in the end, if they so see fit, they will completely take over your mind, body, and spirit, until you have no self any more. Until you are no longer you."

Then, as if he hadn't just dropped a huge existential bomb on the captain, Hawara shrugged and continued, "Now Order, well, that is the stupidest term anyone could have ever come up with for it. 'Freedom' can be very chaotic, as everyone is free to make up their own mind and go about things their own way as they see fit. The vast majority on this side, despite power rank or even the few with 'royal' titles aren't really listened to or obeyed. It is infuriating, but freedom is also intoxicating."

Hawara's prior casual, and perhaps lackadaisical tone took on one that seemed to betray his casual act and show a more genuine feeling side to him;

"I think perhaps as a Knight of Uranus, a planet ruled by the wind, I have a more inherent pull towards the desire for freedom and boundless possibilities than most, so I have my bias.... But the clarity I have found in being free from the chains and control of Chaos is why I would never go back....... I stayed longer than I should have, because of a certain person. And if not for certain circumstances, I probably would have continued to do so if they too had not decided to make the change with me. And I would have been miserable."

If was true, if Wolframite had not decided to purify, he would have stayed Bismuthite. He now knew it was more of a trauma bond than anything. A trauma bond disguised as love, and a desperate clinging on to the only constant he knew, even if that constant was as rocky as a boat during a hurricane.

"In hindsight, I realize that there comes a time when you have to do what is best for you despite what you feel anchors you to a place. If that is breaking the chains that bind you or not, that's not for anyone else to decide but yourself, but it is a decision that has no room for the consideration of others. We all have to find ourselves separate of what surrounds us, because the truth is, life goes on whether we are there or not. And those who truly care about us would not hold us back from being what we want from being all that we could be, simply because it isn't what they want...." He took a deep breath, steadying himself emotionally.

"I could not let go, until everything I held on to abandoned me. There was something I needed to be told a long time ago, and that is 'Don't hold on to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it.' well, I learned the hard way that I'm not the kind of person who easily lets go of things, until I no longer have the choice. After that, it took me a long time to find just where I stand, and what I am here for... and I believe I went through what I did, experiencing both sides, and personal trauma, to offer an experienced view to anyone willing to hear out what I have to say, to answer their questions, to hear out their mental quandaries and help them come to their own conclusions, as well as evolve my own. My aim is to one day do so without pushing an agenda. And I'm sure I have plenty more work to do in developing an impartial delivery - this sure as hell hasn't been one - but that comes with growth...."

That was...that was it. This captain had gotten his first test-delivery, and now Hawara realized that he had some work to do. He professed to want to make an impartial delivery and put forth a view to others to make them think and consider themselves, but he had clearly gotten too personal and screwed up... For all that he was, he was damnedly open. He wanted to share but damn if that didn't just happen at the worst of times and he could not shut up.


Did he need to schedule another therapy session?

Apparently.

He'd call his therapist tomorrow.

"What happened has happened - it doesn't do any good to entertain thoughts of what could have been. That effort is better put towards what you can do with the situation you've been given."

More hard-learned words spoken from experience. He had spent a vast amount of time mulling over his mistakes and what he could have done differently, only to conclude that it was a waste of time. Barring cosmic magical events, there was no going back and changing what had happened.

"The structurelessness and lawlessness that comes with freedom isn't for everyone though. Some are better suited to, and flourish, under the thumb of Chaos. Usually those with no sense of self or personal ambition, those who find comfort in being told what to do, instead of making their own decisions...."

Okay, that sounded.... judgemental. Let's soften that a bit;

"Those descriptions may come off as condescending, but I don't really mean it to. I say that to explain that when one chooses chaos of their own free will and make a fully informed decision to wear that collar and chain, then that is fine. However, there are so many that were never given a say, and nary even the whisper of a thought of knowing what they were in for. After all, one doesn't simply go up to someone and ask, 'Hey, how do you feel about becoming a slave and living weapon for a faceless entity with some vaguely apocalyptic and cliche agenda to take over the galaxy?'" Even Hawara gave a bit of a grin at the absurdity, shaking his head.

"To those looking for an out, rather than push them into that decision, I would rather talk it out and help them decide what is best for them, because again - it is about balance. Too much light, and the greater the shadow becomes. Also, there is a lot to lose when making the switch. Now, you don't lose as much as being forcefully 'corrupted,' where the greater the struggle against it the more damage is done to one's memory, but it is a lot to undergo alone and without a support system and plan. Which, I guess there is another thing - how being 'corrupted' can and often is done without consent, where as one but be completely willing to purify in order to be purified. Makes one really think."

Which made him realize there was still a lot he had to figure out for himself about what he really thought on some matters. Some days he felt firm in certain things, other days, he wasn't so sure. usually it wasn't until those beliefs were tested that one could truly find where their true convictions lay.

"All that to say, don't feel bad about where you find yourself or where your story begins. The chapters of your story will progress regardless, and the development therein may find you somewhere you never originally expected to be, but so long as you can look back on them and see progress that makes you proud of who you are today, then everything is...okay. If that is making the best out of, and finding contentment in, the structure and walls of Chaos, then that if fine. If it is breaking free of the chains that would control you and making your own decisions without fear of punishment and carving out your own path in this crazy structureless freedom that is Order, then that is also fine. In the end, no one should be making that decision for you. Not some General, or Knight, or Royal."

Hawara then regarded to civilian again, "The only hard stance I take is that those who have no part in this are left alone. Once a starseed is destroyed, it is gone forever. And think - how many eternities a soul may live without ever meeting their soul mate because some dumbass went and carelessly destroyed some nameless face's starseed or, more unforgivably, ate it? Now that is a sin I will not listen to any justification for. That is a point of no return, from which the only suitable punishment is not just death, but the destruction of their own starseed. For why should they get another chance at life when they destroyed a countless eternity of lives?"

There was a burning passion in those rose-quartz eyes that emphasized the burning conviction behind those words.

"That is something I will fight for. Be it the starseed of a civilian, a member of Order, or of Chaos, I'll protect their right to live and be reborn again, in this eternity and the next."

"Well, there was once a time when that wasn't such a problem - Agents worked together to stage plots of mass energy gathering, rather than being simple lone thieves in the night. It was far more productive to stage a ball, a tea shop, a rave, a cafe~" The knight seemed to reminisce with a light smile tugging at the corner of his lips, "But I really shouldn't be telling you how to do your job better," he chuckled a bit.


"You're right, I do know a few ways a youma or half youma may be created, and it brings up a good point. I'm not so immovable that I can't reconsider some of my opinions. For those who had no choice in their consumption of starseeds, there is room for forgiveness," he nodded at this consideration.

Part of sharing these thoughts was for both sides to learn and grow, after all.

"It is commendable to make the best of what you've been dealt. I guess all I've got left to say is... Don't let the crumbs of contentment become the chains that bind you. Don't let your comfort zone become your prison. Always strive for more, for better. because no matter how much someone says you should 'be grateful for what you have', and to just 'be content,' ambition is what will keep you alive. And you deserve better. give Chaos hell as they try to break you."

Those who came to this side, after all, were usually those who still had a deep sense of self and a vision for their future, and strong ambition, and it was those who were lost and seeking something to give them purpose who were lured to Chaos.

"Yes, I have no intention of going anywhere until they are awake and have a safe means of getting home. Leaving them here defenseless is like leaving the canary cage open for the cat....."

he would.....do some words searches on his phone or something. Maybe some Sudoku. Something to pass the time, as he felt this conversation may be drawing to an end.

"On my wonder, there is a way to have one's personal questions answered. It involves a series of trials that takes you to the deepest depths of your mind to face and shine a light on your psyche, and work out issues you maybe didn't even know you really had, and when you come out of it, there is a clarity.... If ever you find yourself stuck too deep in your head and in need of a little help clearing your mind, I would extend an offer to let you undergo said trial. ....I haven't let anyone die there.. Yet," he ended with a joking tone.

Truth is, he hadn't subjected anyone to it yet, aside from himself, and he still had several lock box trials he needed to endure. Because his past self was a troll who had locked away a few things that Hawara now needed to find.

"Hawara,' The knight replied, "And what name should I keep an ear out for, lest they seek me out to redeem this offer?"

There would be no degrading nicknames here - one had to be better than that if they wished to have any sort of positive rapport with another, but also the Captain had done nothing to deserve a negative view. And granted that he hadn't yet made a habit of what he aimed to hopefully be able to continue to do in the future, having names to keep track of helped.

Hawara caught the familiar looking orb, knowing immediately what it was, and gave a nod of thanks.

"Thanks. And remember - you can spend less time trying to get scraps if you use that time planning how to get them in chunks. I personally won't be attending any parties or mysterious pop-up shops, but-" shrug, "Work smarter, not harder."

And just like she shouldn't be giving him the time of day, let alone this energy, he really shouldn't be giving any tips.

He would wait for the officer to be gone and for the aura of Chaos to dissipate from the surroundings before he gave the civilian the energy. With this, he should hopefully be able to get home to Lukas sooner. Not to mention he had n actual day job. Ugh~ He was getting too old for these long nights.