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 Posted: Tue Jun 22, 2021 4:19 pm
Jace was getting very good at ignoring his phone. He used to be connected to it, but now that it brought him so much anxiety, he found that he loved ignoring it. He could talk to everyone important through Holden; Xander knew he was alive and safe. Q knew. His mother knew, not that she was particularly happy about him ignoring her. She didn’t know where he was hiding, but she knew he was alive.
Even if he’d been avoiding her.
Sometimes, he opened up his phone to text her. But then, he saw her last messages. Or saw his full voicemail.
He changed his mind.
Jace was getting used to life at Holden’s house, and he’d even thought that maybe he could move in here and be happy. Even if Callan was insisting they work out in the morning, or he insisted he cook all of their (very healthy) meals. He wasn’t demanding, like his mother, but still had a very set expectation for rules in the house.
And yet, Jace could tell that he was still being a little cautious around him, like he was afraid that if he was a little too loud or a little too demanding, Jace might slip away and run again.
...Jace wouldn't say it, but he appreciated it, because even as he settled into this new normalcy he still felt uneasy, and like every car that passed in front of the house would be someone coming to get him. He was worried he’d do or say the wrong thing and upset Callan or Holden, and they’d have to insist he just deal with his issues.
He thought a lot of things, none of which made much sense when he was falling asleep in Holden’s bed every night, and spending all his time with him just listening. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so peaceful about things--even if he brought about most of his own stress by thinking about his future.
It didn’t help that he’d already looked at jobs and resigned himself to being some minimum wage, part time retail working for the rest of his life.
But then, he’d been left alone for a few moments while Holden took a shower, and he checked his phone.
He didn’t know what it was about the ‘one new notification’ that made him look.
It was a text from his mother. An image.
For a few seconds, Jace did nothing--and then he clicked on it.
Another heart attack--his mail. His test results. She’d opened it--of course, but he expected as much. He was dizzy, and dreaded the words underneath the image:
'You need to come home. I’ve graded this myself. Your results are wrong. This is clearly a passing grade. I’m making calls today. Stop wasting time and come back here.'
He read it once, twice. A few times over. His head was still swimming and he almost didn’t hear Holden coming back in, and when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye, he jumped. “Hey,” he said cautiously, and passed his phone out to Holden. There was no explanation for it, just an obvious expectation that Holden could look at the message and somehow understand what it meant, and miraculously know exactly what Jace needed to say and do now.
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Posted: Tue Jun 22, 2021 4:34 pm
Holden shuffled back in still patting his hair out with one of the fluffy towels he kept to hand, mostly dry but just damp enough that he didn’t want to wait alone while it dried. There was a look on Jace’s face, one he wasn’t quite sure how to parse. He hesitated, blinking anxiously. He hesitated on the words ‘what’s wrong’, tottering between them and ‘are you okay’, unsure which felt more right with that sort of Dazed expression before he gently took the offered phone. He blinked down at the message, and strangely the first thing he felt wasn’t relief that Jace had passed, it was… anger that this was all called wasting time. No… apology for all her previous messages, no retraction, no acknowledgement even that she had been at a minimum, verbally abusive. Just… Wasting time. He lowered the phone for a moment and squeezed his eyes shut trying to focus. “… Well… That does make the test make sense.” He said quietly. “But, I can’t… she just… Jace, what will she do if you just go home?” He needed to know… not just wanted. He NEEDED to know. “Do you -want- to go home? I’m not saying you can’t still work… work with her, I know that was a goal but…”
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Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2021 1:40 pm
Jace didn’t have an answer. Did he want to go home?
Briefly, he had the selfish thought, This could be home, and he faltered obviously.
“...I don’t want to put you and your brother out,” he said, but if he was being completely honest, they hadn’t made him feel like an imposition in the slightest--not in the way his mother did, constantly.
“...I want to know what’s going on with my test. I have to go home if I’m going to see it,” he said, because he really couldn’t imagine her going out of her way to drop it off or leave it out for him to pick up at his leisure.
She would yell, probably, and that made his stomach churn--but if he hadn’t failed, then…
Jace inhaled, and held it deep in his chest for a long moment.
“...I can’t make any decisions without talking to Xander, too,” he said, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “I don’t want him to have to deal with her alone. I should have gone back before,” he said, and the guilt was creeping back in. “I don’t know. I like it here a lot more. I feel like I can breathe, here. I keep waiting for your brother to get tired of running into me and tell me I have to go home,” he admitted, but just seemed to deflate a bit and raised his hands up to rub at his face a bit more roughly, as if the action might summon the best solution to his mind.
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Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2021 2:15 pm
Holden nodded, slowly but he understood the thought process. If only because Xander was involved, he understood. “First.. he’s not going to get tired, two… I’ll call Q and Nelson and see what they think about … maybe extra roomies in case things to go heck, at least if you think that that won’t put Xander out….” He reached out and brushed Jace’s cheek. “I understand… and I’m… I’m so happy you feel like you can breathe here, we want that… not just me, though very much me! I’m still serious about converting the sewing room you know!” He was afraid of what she might do… “And… I don’t care if it’s selfish, I’m glad you didn’t go back before. I… I would have worried.” It was such an understatement for how he’d have felt. If she’d hurt him… hell, he’d call CPS on her in a heartbeat consequences be damned.
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Posted: Thu Jun 24, 2021 6:28 pm
Jace managed a small, somewhat convincing smile. “...If I knew Xander would be safe, yeah. I could be a little more convinced to, I don’t know. Try different things. But. If you’re sure your brother isn’t going to get tired of me, I’ll think about it.”
Really think about it.
Jace said it in the way that made it clear that he meant it, even if he had reservations. If he could bring his mother to such madness, what could he do to Callan? To Holden?
“But...yeah, if you could talk to Q and Nelson, just to make sure. I mean, I know that if it was an emergency, well…”
He was quiet. “I know I could rely on you to help us. You’ve always been there for me. But I’m sure Nelson would want first dibs, since they’re,” he gestured vaguely. “Whatever they are.”
Nelson wasn’t bad, he was just having a hard time imagining someone falling in love with Xander and his cold feet.
“...If I go back, even just to talk. Just for a little while. I could always leave again,” he suggested, although a bit hesitantly. “...It’s not like she can force me to stay…”
It was a strange thought, that if he got frustrated or stressed out, he could just leave.
He could come here.
He didn’t have to be on his own, trying to figure everything out.
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Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2021 1:59 pm
“If you want, you can ask him yourself.” He smiled softly to show it was alright to do just that. As far as he was concerned, Callan wore such thoughts on his sleeve, much like his heart. “Your Mom and Callan, you’re mom and ME, we’re all different, we had different lives and different results. I know it’s a hard measuring stick in life, when you’re so used to hers but, I promise… He’s happy you’re here.” He did nod then though, and pulled out his phone to send a message right then and there to Q. Her response was quick and to the point. “She’ll talk to him.” He nodded. “They were looking at apartments anyhow, they do like their family but…” He gave a soft laugh. “And…no, she can’t force you to stay, if she does… then I’ll know. If you’re comfortable staying, then you send me a message that says something like… thank you for lending me the bird socks. Or asking for where I got them… if you don’t message me - I’ll know something’s wrong and we’ll work it out from there okay?” He was worried… just a little.
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Posted: Mon Jun 28, 2021 9:09 pm
Jace managed a small smile and hesitated before he leaned over to rest against Holden. Their shoulders brushed, and that contact alone seemed to help ground and reassure him.
“...Okay,” he agreed, and while it was with obvious hesitation, Jace knew that if he was ever going to get past this, he needed some resolution. He couldn’t just go on wondering if his mother was going to show up, when she was going show up.
He couldn’t just keep hiding and thinking about what he was going to do, how he was going to recover from this, what everyone was going to think…
He needed a plan. He needed to move forward.
And, his mother either seriously thought there was a mistake or had spent the past few days thinking of the cruelest way to lure him back to the house. He didn’t want to show up just to have her berate him for being extra stupid, but…
He wanted this to be true, so badly.
He didn’t want to have failed. He wanted to redeem himself.
“...But. Before I go, I just want to say, you know. Thank you for always having my back, Holden. For being you.” He inhaled, like he was having a hard time choosing his words and needed a second to sort out his thoughts. “...It’s just. You’re really good for me. I guess I just wanted to let you know that I know that.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 30, 2021 7:35 pm
“You’re good for me too Jace… never forget that.” Holden said quietly, as he leaned back against Jace. He couldn’t imagine what was going through his head, the basics perhaps, the hope, the fear. But he hadn’t lived though Jace’s life… He could only guess at it. “Just… promise you’ll remember that you’re always welcome here.” He added. “Even if things go alright, you are, welcome here I mean.” He took a risk, and took Jace’s hand. “Now, let’s go get you some brain food, before we send you back to any kitchen that has Xander near it, even by association.” He offered as hopeful a grin as he could.
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Posted: Sun Jul 04, 2021 12:52 pm
Jace instinctively laced his fingers with Holden’s and squeezed back. “...Brain food, I’ll say yes to.” Holden’s smile brought one to his own face, but there was a fair bit of hesitation and reluctance. “...As long as you know that you’re not too good for me. To be honest, I think the opposite, often.” He looked a bit distressed, “I don’t know what you see in me, sometimes. But. Whatever it is, I’m glad that you do.” He exhaled, heavily, and squeezed Holden’s hand again. “I won’t forget that I’m welcome here. And I won’t forget how good you and your brother have been to me. For me.” There was something else on the tip of his tongue, something he wanted to say but just couldn’t. “...Even if it goes well, I hope you’ll still let me come back and spend the night sometimes. I don’t think I’ve ever slept so well. I don’t know if it’s your birds, or your bed--” Yes, he did. He knew. It wasn’t the birds or the bed. “--but whatever it is, I think I love it.”
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Posted: Sun Jul 04, 2021 1:20 pm
Holden looked amused. “So… If I’m not too good for you, which I’m not, and you think I’m the opposite, does that mean I’m bad for you?” He teased with a widening grin.
“Oh my gosh, does this make me the bad boy? I heard people like those.” His eyes glittered as he squeezed his hand back in return.
As far as the bed, if it was the bed, if it was the birds, he’d never change it if it meant that Jace was comfortable there.
“I love it when you’re here too.” He said, because it was the safest thing to say, the one that he thought would scare Jace the least.
“So consider yourself always welcome to come and curl up and otherwise abuse my bed and anything in it!.”
A hesitation.
“I… I mean… you know, as you like… uh…So… I smell uh… Bacon!”
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Posted: Tue Jul 06, 2021 7:37 pm
Jace’s cheeks were still faintly colored, because who really knew what was going on in his head right now. He didn’t even know what was going on.
“...Oh,” he said, and shook his head. “Yeah, your brother will get mad if we let the food get cold,” he insisted, even if he knew that Callan probably would have let them take as long as they wanted, and then brought the food up for them anyway, or packed it up for later.
He held Holden’s hand as he pulled him up, and seemed to forget to drop it.
“...Can I come back after I’m done talking to mom? Even if things go well. I want to see you again tonight. I--if it goes well, let me take you out to dinner. Please. To repay you for all of this. And if it goes badly--I still want dinner with you. I’ll pick up a pizza or something on my way back here. If that’s okay.”
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Posted: Wed Jul 07, 2021 7:54 am
“YES.” Holden said with the level of enthusiasm that he had once assumed would be part of being asked to marry someone. (In his dreams it was still the same person as it had been since his first realization of a crush.) “Yes, please do, company, and pizza, and…and telling me how things went. You don’t need to replay me but…but I would like to be able to see you again tonight.” He stammered hastily. Because he could pretend it was a date, or Date adjacent or… something.
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Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2021 7:08 pm
Jace was still a bundle of nerves and wasn’t sure how any of this was going to go, but looking at Holden made him think that no matter what happened, maybe he would be alright.
He didn’t know what he wanted. He didn’t know how he wanted this to go. His stomach felt like it was in knots, and more than that it felt like someone had threaded in some needles to poke and jab him with every minute change.
Even breathing felt strangely pressurized.
And yet, for Holden, he managed a soft smile.
“Then, I’ll see you tonight. No matter what. I’ll text you how things are going on, so you don’t have to worry.” He paused and then cleared his throat. “...Not that you have to worry about me. Just. In case you couldn’t help yourself.”
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Posted: Tue Jul 13, 2021 7:58 pm
“I will absolutely not be able to not worry.” Admitted Holden, because it was so true. “Not that I think you’re in super danger, but, you won’t be here so… there will be worry.” Quietly… ever so quietly, while he wanted Jace forever close, he was half planning moving things about in the spare room. Maybe the excuse could be… that they’d paint the room just for him, so it wouldn’t be ready right away. Yes… Just something extra, something more to make returning a little more safe, a little more welcoming.
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