Welcome to Gaia! ::

There are over 50,000 people packed tightly into Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, Massachusetts. There are some people wearing masks, some are completely covered head to toe in hazmat suits, and others are wearing nothing but 2010 Shinsuke Nakamura NJPW t-shirts they purchased off of Ebay for more than they were ever worth.

The ring announcer, a disheveled and noticeably overweight Tony Chimmel, stands in center ring as the raucous crowd hums about with sounds of pleasure and impatience. He lifts the microphone to his mouth, the sugary dust of a powdered donut long-since digested peppering the pop-filter of the speaking-stick.

As if it was on que, the mere mention of Boston triggered something deep within the electrical current of the speaker system. It was a spark, a spark that sent soundwaves careening through the loud PA system that once screeched the name "Tom Brady" and now knew only "Cam" and "Mac". The sampled horn-hook of Pete Schofield and The Canadians' "The Night the Lights Went Out In Georgia" penetrated the boos that Layfield had incurred, and the fans in the crowd were thrown into a fit. The children of the rich ripped away their masks and screamed in delight, while those of the poor were forced to leave the building due to living in non-vaccinated areas of Massachusetts.



All eyes were pulled away from the dealings of JBL and instead found themselves fixated on the pulsating green and red spotlights that shot out from the stage. An obviously military issued, camo-colored jeep drove out from the back, and in the drivers seat an African-American war veteran named Tony is situated. To his right, in the passenger seat, is the crowd's number one favorite.



The fans burst out in louder cheers as John stood up in the Jeep, a foot planted on the seat. He smiled and looked out at the crowd, adjusting his camo-green baseball cap with "Hustle. Loyalty. Respect" stitched to the front. It's as if JBL knew, John Cena's jersey of choice tonight was a 1956 Bill Russel Celtics Jersey, game worn and signed. His passion for Boston and his home state was over flowing, that was for sure. Cena slowly rose his hand to his forehead, and saluted the Boston Strong ™ crowd here tonight in Foxborough. Tony drove John down the ramp, sideswiping JBL's limo on the way down, getting another cheap pop from the crowd. John stepped out of the jeep along with Tony, and they both threw up some surfer dude hand gestures as the chorus picked up. JBL's Cabinet was gonna have it out for them tonight if they even dared interfere in this match, as John brought a real life veteran to this match.

John climbed the steps and entered the ring, swaggering past JBL as he took off running for the ropes, bouncing off a few times before finally throwing his hat into the crowd. The fan who caught the hat promptly threw it back, nearly hitting Tony with it -- that fan was immediately escorted from the building. The chorus hit once more, which meant John Cena was programmed to throw up his hand gestures a second time. The fans were just eating it all up, my god, get this guy some sort of Oscar or something, ********. Maybe for his performance in the upcoming Fast 9, I don't know. Anyway, John pulled a very heavy chain that was around his neck from out under the jersey, revealing a solid gold padlock attached. He handed it off to Tony and then pulled away the jersey, tossing it into the crowd. It landed in the hands of a man in a MAGA hat who was attacked by his fellow wrestling fans, all trying to leave with this signed jersey. It looked like John Cena was not looking to talk tonight, no, instead letting his Chain Gang and the Cenation talk for him as their cheers wouldn't stop. Massachusetts' favorite son has returned.

John Cena looked around at the shouting crowd as Teddy Long's announcement was made. He produced a fake "oooooh" face as if this wasn't something he was expecting all along, and the fans who chose to still look at him instead of the dog food had a good laugh. John reached down to Tony, who handed him a microphone, allowing him to give his take on what just played out.


Cena tossed the microphone off to the ringside as the fans popped HARD for his amazing rap that would surely get him a mention at the grammys this year. He got into a stance and dared JBL to come get some, waiting for the ref to finally get this match underway.

...and that was enough for referee Earl Hebner. He shoved Jillian from the apron and she fell down into the waiting arms of Doug and Danny Basham. Orlando Jordan screamed up at Hebner, telling him he'd live to regret doing that. Hebner screamed at a surprised JBL, all while pointing at the referee patch on his Zebra-colored shirt. It looked like Earl was perhaps going to fight JBL himself tonight, but he wouldn't have to as Cena came barreling in and looked to lay in shot after shot on JBL in the corner which lead to Hebner finally ringing the bell!

Hebner pulled Cena away from the corner as JBL fell threw, and the count begin. Cena put his hands on his hips and shrugged off to Tony, not particularly surprised the JBL would do something like this. John Cena did happen to call him a p***y after all, so this really made all the sense in the world. The fans booed loudly as JBL and company headed back up the ramp, but not without Bradshaw noticing the clear damage done to the side of his car by Cena's earlier entrance. He stomped his foot, complaining to Jillian who stood close by to him right in front of his trunk. This was just the pits, and it was about to get even worse.


Suddenly the stadium became caked in a red light, all attention drawn to the stage where JBL's trunk swung open and out poured smoke. JBL took a few steps back in shock, with the Boogeyman slowly emerging from that smokey trunk with worms dripping from his mouth. Jillian let out a long, piercing scream as Boogey grabbed her and pulled her into the trunk, taking massive bites out of her disgusting blemish as he did so. JBL suddenly found himself a decent distance back down the ramp as he screamed at his cabinet to go and get this freak out of his trunk. As the Basham Bros and Orlando Jordan drew near, a loud bang is heard and hundreds of pounds of worms came falling from the sky like some sort of plague, landing on the cabinet and burying them on the ground. John Cena let out a childish laugh and pointed up to the stage while saying to Tony, "Did you see Bradshaw? He really bugged out!"

It was like magic. It was like a cheat code. It was like a god mod.

The large Puerto Rican had stalked into the ring and with knife in hand lunged towards John Cena with an intent to kill. Tony screamed, as did the fans, as did John Cena Sr. in Gorilla, as did the millions, AND MILLIONS of the fans watching around the world as home. As the blade drew within inches of Cena's kidney, a flash of light blew out from his eyes, as if code was running and coming to a quick conclusion: the sound of a broadband connection, the hope nobody would call the landline, the impatience of waiting for that nude photo to load of Princess Leia drawn by some artist in Chicago, all of it came to a head.

Cena with perfect precision grabbed the assailant by the wrist, narrowly avoiding the knife. He squeezed hard and leaned down, picking him up on to his shoulders. It was in the most robotic way possible that Cena quickly and efficiently hit the Puerto Rican with an F-U, driving him down back first into the mat and sending the knife flying into the crowd where it stabbed into a 50 year old white man with Hep C, causing him to bleed out all over the fans closest to him in this now contaminated sea of flesh. As the mans body slammed into the mat, John suddenly came back to, falling out of the metallic trance which just overtook him. He pointed down to JBL and Hebner and waved his hand in front of his face with a smirk. "YOU CANT SEE ME" the fans chanted in hysterics as they tried to make sure they weren't infected with Hepatitis.

John threw up his arms as JBL got close, squawking about how he'd never work with an El Salvadorian. Cena said "fair enough, fair enough" and stepped back, pointing down to the ring as an invite for JBL to join him and put all of this behind them so they could talk it out. Tony looked at Cena as if he was mad, telling him he couldn't trust the Texan and he should keep his guard up, but the rapper ignored him. Cena reached down and pumped up his kicks, better run better run, faster than my bullet. He offered his hand out for JBL if he chose to get in the ring, just desperately hoping the two John's could move on.

It was as if fate had called and said "John, it's time". Who fate was addressing would be left a mystery however. Cena cocked an eyebrow as JBL seemingly sent all the blood flooding to his own face. He could feel the squeeze. He knew what was coming.

WHACK! JBL pulls Cena towards him and levels the face with a major Clothesline From Hell! Earl Hebner leaped into the air as if a massive superplex had just landed, Tony threw his hands on his head and turned from the ring, and the fans booed heavily. It's totally possible that this match had seemingly ended in the blink of an eye, the wealthy Texan pulling out a sneaky victory.