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 Posted: Sun May 23, 2021 7:47 am
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Jace was too tired to have a bad night. In his dreams, he could hear his mother’s disappointment, her anger, but he was too tired to wake up and think about it. He woke up twice in the night, once in a panicked fear that he’d fallen asleep outside, but it had taken a split second to realize he was in bed, under the blankets, with Holden still wrapped around him.
He didn’t think he’d woken him up, and just in case, he’d worked extra hard to keep his breathing even and was careful to stay absolutely still. Instinct told him to check his phone, but then he realized he didn’t want to.
It didn’t take him long to get back to sleep, and the second time he woke up it was just to make sure that this was real.
He was in a safe place, cozy under the comforters. He could hear the rain outside; it was still dark. This time, he knew where he was, and he just snuggled a little closer to Holden and went back to sleep.
The third time he woke up, he stayed up.
It was just a bit after the sun rose; he could see some light from the window, but it was still cloudy outside and he thought the rain sounded soothing. If he’d really focused, maybe he could have gone back to sleep.
Except, sleeping forever wasn’t really a way to live his life, and running away from everything wasn’t particularly sustainable.
Holden said they would talk today, and the idea was both reassuring and terrifying, and Jace hated how off balance he felt. Every ounce of stability he’d propped himself up on felt like it had toppled over, and now he was rock bottom with a mess scattered around him, and he didn’t know where to begin.
His face hurt. His legs hurt, his feet hurt. His head hurt, his heart hurt. Everything hurt.
He sighed heavily and just pressed his face into the pillow as he tried to figure anything out. He still just wanted to stay here forever, curled up next to Holden, squeezing this stupid giant bird.
Downstairs, keeping quiet but working hard, Callan was making breakfast. Not just a normal, healthy breakfast, but a gourmet breakfast. He’d woken up early to go shopping, and now that he’d snuck back into the house, he had coffee going--the good kind, and he was making a little bit of everything.
He couldn't do much, not in the grand scheme of things. He didn’t have to make any hard decisions, and he doubted Jace would open up or want him around while he did.
But, Callan had always thought that the start to a good day was a good breakfast, and after yesterday he thought they could all benefit from a good day.
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Posted: Sun May 23, 2021 10:50 am
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Holden was at least… aware that his Brother was awake, that Jace had roused himself and he in turn had lay still and waiting to see if he needed to move, to do anything that might add comfort.
He was however now caught in a cobweb of drowsiness, the warmth and the delight of waking up with his arm slung over Jace, just being there together.
He should text down to his brother and say he smelled breakfast, that even the coffee smelled good. But, that also required movement and admitting he was awake. He wasn’t positive he, or Jace was ready for that.
But he really…should get up and offer Jace a shower, to offer to braid his hair to…
He quashed the thoughts he feared might leave Jace uncomfortable and rather than saying anything immediately - gave a gentle squeeze.
He’d verbalize a greeting if Jace moved in response. If not, he might still be taking in a well deserved sleep.
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Posted: Sun May 23, 2021 11:05 am
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The squeeze seemed to make him aware that Holden was awake, if only because it seemed too careful to be some sleepy gesture.
For a second, Jace didn’t move, and then he sighed heavily and allowed himself to stretch.
Oh, he ached.
Carefully, he rolled to face Holden, and he hoped he didn’t look as horrible as he felt.
Holden, somehow, looked good just like that.
Jace didn’t know how he managed it, and he didn’t immediately understand why his heart was in his throat. He was only a foot and a half or so away from Holden’s face, they were practically on the same pillow. He had given up holding the giant bird to roll over and look at Holden, and now he found himself missing the sensation of something in his arms. He wanted to wrap an arm around Holden and bury himself a little closer, but he refrained. Barely.
“...I didn’t wake you up or anything last night, did I?” he asked, reaching up to rub at his face like he could wipe away the sleep. Ordinarily, he would have reached for his phone, but despite charging it overnight and leaving it off on the bedside table, he still hadn’t tried to reach for it.
“You slept okay?”
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Posted: Sun May 23, 2021 2:42 pm
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For a brief moment, everywhere Holden touched was warm, and it was enough that he forgot he was still tired. He didn’t speak immediately, he just let Holden talk, until he was met with an option and he was filled with all the dread of making choices.
Logically, there wasn’t a wrong choice, and he knew that.
Did he want to take a shower now? First? Did he want to go eat? Was he allowed, did he deserve that? Was he intruding?
…Was staying in bed a trick?
For a few seconds too long, Jace just thought. Or, he used the excuse of thinking, but really, he was just lost in Holden’s eyes and there was a sickening thought that he should be doing something that he wasn’t doing, like there was some instinct screaming at him but it was buried so deep inside of him that he couldn’t understand it.
Was he supposed to run, was that what his body was saying?
He moved a little closer to Holden, and that felt right, but then he had to stop himself because if he got any closer--
Then...what?
Was that so bad?
…
Yes, of course it was bad, obviously. What was he going to do, crowd him? Breathe on him? Bother him?
There was a shadow of doubt, of confusion, of disappointment, but he stopped himself.
For whatever it was worth.
“Maybe we could stay here for a little while longer,” he said after a few seconds. “...You don’t have to carry me, I can make it down the stairs. I am--hungry, yeah. That smells good. But I...just want to be here for a little while longer. If that’s okay. I don’t know if I’m ready for today to start. I should--”
Should what? He couldn’t even decide if he wanted to take a shower or eat breakfast first, what could he possibly be expected to decide?
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Posted: Sun May 23, 2021 8:25 pm
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Jace didn’t have to answer verbally; he just leaned into the touch, appreciation the way Holden’s fingers felt, even if he didn’t know how to articulate just how nice it was.
“Maybe I want a hug,” he relented, because ordinarily he would just roll his eyes and pretend like he didn’t.
But, he did. Badly.
“You’ve already done so much for me, you and Callan. How are you so sure he’s not just hungry? He doesn’t have to make me anything. I’ve got my card, I can go out and get something.” It was a pathetic attempt at protest and he knew that, and he just deflated after he said it, like he wasn’t even going to bother fighting Holden on the inevitable insistence that he was a guest and was welcome here.
“...I’m sorry, I’m not used to. This. You and your brother are probably the only ones who have brought me breakfast in years. Xander’s almost never up before me, and if he is, I wouldn’t trust him to bring me food that wasn’t soup out of a can or leftovers from the fridge, anyway.”
He chewed on the inside of his cheek and then, finally, glanced towards his phone.
“...I should see if he texted.”
They’d texted him last night, in code, as an extra precaution. Jace knew Xander was very clever and would piece it together without anything being spelled out to him, but he was too concerned that his mother would snatch his phone away to make sure they weren’t communicating, or do something sneaky, like track their texts online and then just show up on Holden’s front door.
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2021 6:53 am
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Holden slid closer to Jace so that he could put arms around him again, and pull him into a close hug.
“I know this is hard to accept, but you’re welcome here, and we’re glad to have you. I know it’s not just for him because I am deeply familiar with our more casual breakfast repertoire. You’re just going to have to accept that there are better cooks than Xander in the world and that we, like Xander want to see you well treated.”
It was such an understatement, he wanted so much more than to ‘just’ see him well treated, and he feared that might bleed into his voice, might sour the hug for Jace somehow.
“Do you want me to look for you?” Holden offered. He didn’t know the code, but he could relay whatever he found, faithfully.
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2021 3:23 pm
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Jace was quiet for a long moment, because he wasn’t a coward. Or, he wasn’t a few days ago, now he didn’t really know anything.
Reluctantly, he stretched away from Holden just enough that he could reach his phone and passed it over. He didn’t even want to be responsible for plugging in his password, so he mumbled the random four digit password--something that had to be random, because Xander was too smart and too good at guessing. Jace had no doubt that his brother recalled every important date, every meaningful numerical sequence, and sooner or later he’d let out some clue and Xander would have a free pass into his phone.
He didn’t want to deal with whatever prank his brother could have pulled on him for it, so six-one-nine-three had done him well so far.
He was wise not to look, because there were still forty seven unread text messages, and twenty thirteen new voicemails, and nearly forty missed calls.
Jace was doing his best not to look over at the screen, and he hadn’t quite sat up but was propped halfway there on the pillow he’d been using.
It was easier to hand Holden the phone than it was to try and voice what he was feeling otherwise, because he didn’t know how to deal with the absolute generosity and openness of Holden and his brother, at how welcoming and comforting Holden especially had been.
He didn’t know how to broach those topics, so instead he just said, “Is it bad?” in a tone that seemed more befitting of Nelson than it did Jace.
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2021 5:23 pm
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Holden had a look on his face that looked, rather alien compared to his normal boisterous or open, even shy expressions. There was something that could easily have reminded people that Holden and Callan were siblings, and that while one of them might have the size, that there was something small and unshakable even in Holden.
He shook it off a moment later, giving a sort of weak smile.
He took a breath and let it out as he reviewed the messages.
“Well, if you vanished on me out a window, I suppose I’d have sent a lot of messages too.” He was trying hard to be gracious. He was trying -so- hard.
But the texts alone had words like ‘disappointed, disappointment, irresponsible, selfish, failure, shameful… disrespectful.
He only just started to play a voice mail, but the immediate VOLUME of it, and this in spite of the time stamp… had him immediately muting it and clenching his fist hard enough to be white knuckled and staring hard at the foot of the bed because he was furious, and he knew Jace loved her…. he knew it.
He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath.
“… you’re… not, any of the things she said. You’re not… you’re wonderful. You are WONDERFUL and SO smart, and even smart people can ….can….” He was at a loss for words, and before he could even think about it it was Jace’s phone pressed hard to his lips the way he would normally do with his own.
But she made him want to cry on Jace’s behalf.
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2021 5:41 pm
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Jace’s expression had shifted into something that was both more like him, and equally completely unlike him. He had steeled himself, and there was the anger and hardness he equipped himself with when facing hardships.
And yet, there was a crack. His brows were trembling. His lips were trembling. He wasn’t looking at Holden, because even without knowing what the messages said, he knew what they said. They’d probably been the same that he’d been reading when he decided to stop checking his phone, and the voice and tone of his mother on the recording was enough to cement that he was still ******** reached up a hand to rub at his face, at his eyes.
Last night, he could pretend like it was just water. Now, he had to deal with the undeniable, absolutely pathetic affirmation that his emotions were so screwed up they were tangibly leaking out of him.
Holden didn’t know what to say, and Holden always had something to say.
He swallowed the lump in his throat as best he could, cleared his throat afterwards, and then just shrugged. He couldn’t face her text messages, how was he supposed to face her?
“...What do I text her back?” he asked, in as even of a voice as he could manage. He pinched the bridge of his nose so hard that his fingernails bit into his skin but didn’t seem to show any sign of easing up.
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2021 6:21 pm
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“I… “ Holden said and then that kernel of something strong seemed to be half buried under a soft concern.
“I’m not… positive… Let me think about it?” He murmured. “Perhaps… perhaps Callan would be helpful. He deals with angry parents on the regular.” He said after a moment, and felt immediately tired again, the anger being pushed down and away.
He rubbed his eyes and made himself look at the phone again. Made himself process the core of the messages beyond the, frankly, abusive talk. Beyond the self absorption of her own disappointment in Jace. He tapped his forehead with the edge of the phone, thinking.
“No… No, I’m… we’re at least eating breakfast before we reply to her, or I’ll make a suggestion that is at the -very- least hangry.” He huffed and then leaned in to take Jace in a hug again.
“Stop it, don’t … hurt yourself please? I know it… I mean I don’t know, not really, but please don’t…” He shook his head against Jace’s chest.
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2021 6:45 pm
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Jace needed the hug, and he melted into it before he even realized what he was doing. He had opened his mouth to snap that he had no idea what Holden was talking about, but as he lowered his hand so he could see him, he realized the pain at the bridge of his nose.
His expression changed, softened briefly, and then closed off a bit because he wasn’t good with being ashamed. He rubbed at his nose with something that might have passed for tenderness, like he was trying to ease the damage he’d done.
“...Sorry,” he finally said. “I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t mean to.”
Just like he hadn’t meant to be on his feet all day, like he hadn’t meant to starve himself, or make himself sick.
He was, apparently, just bad at dealing with failure.
“I don’t want Callan to know,” he added a few seconds later, looking away. Maybe he wouldn't admit it to himself, or to anyone--at least, not directly--but there was a part of him that very clearly was ashamed of the interaction between himself and his mother. He didn’t want Callan to judge her while she was at his worst, while she was upset because of him.
He didn’t try to draw away from the hug in the slightest, and even now he managed to draw some strength from it.
He wouldn’t protest about eating first; he was hungry, and the more he could smell Callan’s breakfast, the hungrier he was getting.
“...I just--I don’t know what to say. She’s going to ask what happened, and I don’t know. I really thought I did well, Holden,” he said quietly. “Like, really well. The essays--I knew those. And the multiple choice? I didn’t--there were only a few that I didn’t know, and I didn’t think it was enough for me to fail. I just don’t understand. It would be different if I thought there was a chance, but--how did I mess up so badly? I just--I have to go home, they’re going to mail everything there, anyway,” he said, with absolute dread, but he had to know.
“--Am I just that bad at this? She’ll never--if I can’t take over for her, I don’t know what she’s going to do. She’ll take it out on Xander. She’ll--I don’t know. I have to succeed. Before, I’ve always known when I was going to do badly, when I didn’t study enough. But I gave up, like--everything--to study for this. I thought I did so good? How do I explain that? How do I fix that, do I have to start over from scratch? How do I unlearn all the wrong stuff and relearn the right stuff when I thought I knew the right stuff?”
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2021 6:59 pm
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“Jace, you are the opposite of bad at this, maybe… there is a chance it’s an error.”
He had to respect that Jace didn’t want Callan to know, or at least not to know more. He had to guess that Callan had some idea what had happened.
He took a breath and let it out trying not to shake with the feelings that this brought out in him.
He hated sometimes, how different his life was from Jace and Xander, but in his eyes, especially Jace. The pressure to be so…perfect, where it was already assumed that Xander would not be.
“You don’t… have to go back right away, if they are mailing the test she can review it, and the answers. She’ll see what was right and what was wrong, maybe she’ll have time to think of a better way to teach you if you DID mess up. People learn differently, there isn’t any shame in that. But… she … she…”
He took another breath and let it out with a squeeze.
“Tell Xander to get himself over to… to Nelson’s.”
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Posted: Mon May 24, 2021 7:07 pm
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There was a visibly guilty look on his face, like he already regretted leaving Xander alone for so long. He wanted to know what he got wrong, but…
The safest thing was probably letting her find out first. It was easier than him trying to time the delivery just right to steal it before she noticed that he was in the area.
“...Can we ask Callan to?” he finally asked. “...I don’t want Xander to get in trouble if I text him. She might know your number, I don’t know. She knows you’re our friend. She might suspect I’m with you, and I don’t want her showing up here. I’ll jump out the window again if she shows up. But Callan’s--I guess she knows of him. But if he texted Xander, that’s not suspicious. And--maybe my mother would feel less open to…” he didn’t want to paint her in a bad light, so he was choosing his words carefully, “Abrasiveness, if it was Callan. He’s not the sort of person you…”
Again, he was at a loss. Yell at? Scold? Insult? Threaten?
“Get an attitude with.”
The words felt like they hung in the air, so he was quick to add, “If that’s not too much of a problem. I’m asking too much of you both already, I know. I don’t want to just mooch off of you both until this blows over. I don’t--I don’t want to be a burden, not to you. I want you to like me,” he said, in a burst of confused honesty.
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