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 Posted: Fri May 07, 2021 9:19 am
The drive home was fairly quiet; Callan kept to himself in the front seat and left the air on far warmer than he was comfortable with to make sure that they weren’t freezing in the backseat, and despite how much he advocated for healthy food, he still stopped on the way to pick up some fast food.
An absolutely disastrous amount of fast food, that might as well have amounted to ‘a little bit of everything’ on the menu.
Jace had never known Callan to stop and get fast food, so it would have been a strange experience if he’d put any thought into it.
He didn’t feel hungry, but as they drove home, the smell permeated the car, and twice, his stomach growled. He heard it, but it didn’t register that it was him.
Callan was an incredibly attentive driver, and seemed very calm and comfortable driving in this weather, for a man who looked like he barely fit in his own car.
By the time he pulled into the driveway, it was still raining, and the storm hadn’t gotten any better. He was the first out of the car, and didn’t seem to mind the water that got him. He took his umbrella, larger than Holden’s, and opened the door for them.
Jace filed out and stood uncertainly under Callan’s umbrella but waited for Holden; he'd barely managed to put a dent into the hot chocolate, but he had tried, and it seemed he'd already decided that Holden was his anchor--whether Jace himself had realized it yet, or not.
Callan pressed the umbrella into Holden’s hand when they were both out, and instructed, “Go ahead inside. I’m going to grab the food. I’ll get some clothes for both of you. If you can stay in the kitchen, do. I need to mop, so the more water you leave there, the less work I have to do. Go on,” he insisted, already getting ready to move around to the other side of the car and grab the food, and the excessive amount of deserts he’d made sure to order, too.
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2021 9:35 am
The amount of fast food was a little terrifying, even to Holden who understood its purpose on some level. It was good to hear Jace’s stomach growl though, to know that he was on some level hungry even if his mind was doing things to tell him he wasn’t. He took Jace’s hand as he slipped out of the car and waited, moved close to him and took the Umbrella that Callan offered with his other hand and nodded. After that it was ushering Jace inside with the vague anxiety creeping up the back of his neck that said Jace might just run away, might just leave again because he didn’t want to be here. But he was here, and they could at least protect him for a little while. He got him inside the warm kitchen and grabbed one of his own jackets off the wall to put onto a chair so Jace could at least sit, since it looked like he might slowly topple over at any given moment. “I hate that I just want to ask if you’re ok… you’re clearly not okay, it’s a stupid question to want to ask.” He murmured. “Do you think you want the day bed tonight or socks and sharing?” He offered, something to think about that might not upset Jace… autonomy. “I can get extra blankets, you can use the bird, you can always use the bird.” God... he needed to think of a good way to tell Xander that Jace was ok that didn't risk their Mother trying to storm the house too.
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2021 12:47 pm
Jace was quiet for a moment, and honestly he seemed a bit overwhelmed as he sunk into the chair. He hadn’t let go of the warm drink, because Holden told it to keep it between his hands, so he did.
“Whatever is good,” he said, because whatever was good. Making decisions felt too hard, there was a wrong decision hidden in there and he didn’t want to pick it. There were pros and cons to each. He felt like he was falling apart, and he’d rather do that alone. But he’d rather not fall apart if he could help it. So either the day bed, or Holden’s bed. Extra blankets sounded nice. Now that the cold was setting in, now that he realized how frozen he was, extra blankets sounded good. Socks sounded good. The bird sounded good. Holden sounded good.
Jace just hunched forward a bit and might have put his face in his hands if that didn’t mean taking them off of the cocoa.
Callan came into the room and took one look at them, at Holden, and released a large, silent, sigh. He set the ice cream, the milkshakes, on the counter, and turned on the oven before he’d even put the food down.
The chair was close enough that he suspected it would only take a minute or two before it started making some heat.
“You two eat up,” he said, and kept his voice deliberately soft because he didn’t want to spook Jace. The thunder was loud enough outside, and he figured all of these changes must have been hard enough. “I’ll be back down with dry clothes in a minute, you can get changed down here. I don’t know if a shower tonight is a good idea, I don’t like how this storm sounds. But if you need one, we’ll make it work.”
He didn’t wait; he wanted to make sure neither of them got sick, so he stepped out of the kitchen to give them a little bit of time.
For a second, Jace looked up at the food, but he didn’t get up to get anything. He looked tired, confused. He rubbed his hands along the hot chocolate, but it wasn’t really warm anymore.
Still quiet, but sound a little more there, Jace asked, “What do you want?”
Maybe he didn't know what he wanted, or maybe he was just more worried about Holden, but he didn’t just ask for those reasons--he asked because he trusted Holden, too.
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2021 12:58 pm
Holden’s glance towards Callan was full of worry, but it was just as quickly turned back to Jace, and he crouched down to put his hands over Jace’s own around the cup of cooling coco. He brushed his thumbs along the cup and shook his head. “Here… Put the coco on the table, it’s not warm anymore, if you want more we can warm it back up on the stove.” He promised, running his fingers gently over Jace’s hands, friction warming he was pretty sure was not always a good idea. “I’d like it if you tried to eat something, if you’ll pick your favorites I’ll join you….” He offered. “I’d like to make sure you’re comfortable tonight, Even if that means eating desert first. I’d like to ….” He took a breath and let it out. “I’d like to wrap you in my arms and just hold you till you know how much I care, but I don’t want to make things worse. I want to say this is a safe place for you, I want you to feel safe here… I want you to know you’re wonderful and amazing and…. and….” He stammered to a stop. “I want to make you feel better, but I don’t know how…”
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2021 1:45 pm
It was hard to avoid Holden’s eyes when he was crouched down, when he was right there, so Jace didn't so much as not look at him, he just sort of looked through him.
It didn’t last for long though.
Jace couldn’t see after a second, and he sat up a little straighter, like he was confused--and why shouldn’t he be? He was inside, why was there water in his eyes now?
He felt the fire of frustrated emotions burn its way up his throat and get caught in his mouth, he felt the heat from the moisture in his eyes, but it was just water. Holden could probably tell it was just water.
He’d listened to his mother’s messages, the angry exclamations, the proclamations of disappointment, reminding him that he was letting her down, her frustration that she couldn’t reach him. He hadn’t cried at any of those. He wasn’t crying now, of course. It was just water dripping down his face. Holden would know. He could see. Just water.
Jace was not crying, not because it finally set in that he was so overwhelmed by all of this, that he was so tired, that he hurt. He wasn’t crying because he didn’t know how to respond to Holden, because he didn’t know what you were supposed to say when someone said nice things to you, even though you knew--and they knew--that you’d failed.
That’s not how it was supposed to go, it was supposed to be tough love, he was supposed to get yelled at, they were supposed to point out every way he’d failed, and then he was supposed to fix those and push himself harder.
Why didn’t Holden know that?
Oh, Callan, probably. Callan probably didn’t know that if you wanted someone to do better you had to loudly, vocally, express your disappointment and frustration, to make sure they really understood how important it was that they fix themselves. Which was a shame, because Callan had a very loud voice and probably really could have gotten his point across easily.
So if Callan hadn’t taught Holden that, and Holden was in front of him now, being sweet and kind--obviously wrong, of course, but--
No.
No, there wasn’t anything wrong with Holden. He was quirky, and Jace didn’t always understand him, but he knew that he was perfect, and wonderful, in a way Jace had never understood either. But he knew he liked Holden. He knew he liked being around Holden.
Like now, even though there was so much water in his eyes, he felt like he was still outside.
He kept one hand on the hot chocolate; he didn’t want it, but he was afraid to spill it, and he couldn't see where the table was right now. He didn’t want to draw away from Holden, he liked how his hands felt on Jace’s, but he had to reach up to try and rub at his eyes.
Roughly, too roughly, because even though it was just water, it shouldn’t be there. Someone might get the wrong idea. Jace wasn’t crying, that didn’t happen. That would be so embarrassing, and his mother would be so disappointed. This was not how a Jianmin conducted themselves--he could hear it, so clearly, like she was standing right behind him to remind him.
His breathing was messed up, either too shallow or too deep or too slow or too fast; there was no consistency, and Jace had to try four times before he managed to find his voice. He must have looked like a fish, mouth opening and closing, with the start of a word that died on his lips.
He wanted to say that he’d eat something. He wanted to say he’d put the cocoa down. He wanted to say that Holden was nice. That Holden was wrong. That this place was warm. And safe. He felt safe. That he was sorry. That he didn’t think he was wonderful, or amazing. That he felt fine. That he felt awful. That he didn’t feel anything. That he should go. That he didn’t want to leave, ever. A million things, and nothing, and no wonder he couldn’t get any words out, none of these thoughts made sense, and some of them were wrong.
He just couldn’t tell which ones were right and which ones were wrong.
So, instead, as he scrubbed at the water that kept dripping into his eyes, he blurted, “I messed up, Holden. I don’t know what to do.”
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2021 3:30 pm
The sound Holden made was riddled with heartbreak at those words, he reached up and cupped Jace’s cheeks gently. “Oh Jace… Jace.” He couldn’t’ think of other words, just repeating his name over and over again like if he said it enough all the feelings he had would be carried out like a prayer. He gently took the coco and set it on the table, and then carefully stood so he could just hug him, drawing him into a gentle embrace and rocking gently, back and forth. “It’s ok… It’s ok, everyone messes up sometimes. That’s why people get to try again.” He murmured. “Messing up is scary, and you’re so good at not messing up… but you’re here now, you can try again, and I’ll be here for you and so will Callan. I’ll hold you as long as you want, I’ll stay with you as long as you want. No matter what happens you have people who care and will stay beside you. He rocked gently and ran his fingers as best he could through the damp mess of hair, trying gently to work it loose. “You’re here now, and that’s a good start towards things being put right, okay?”
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2021 4:08 pm
Jace being taller than Holden meant nothing; he let himself be drawn up, and he let himself sink into the embrace. He was tired, and maybe only really felt it now that he had to get up again. He rested his chin on Holden’s shoulder and closed his eyes, and for a second he felt alright.
Holden’s words almost made sense, like he wanted them to, but he couldn’t let himself just accept that things could be so easy.
Things were never easy.
Callan could attest to that, because he’d come back into the room while Holden had his arms wrapped around Jace, and though he had two sets of dry clothes, he didn’t bother to intrude. Jace’s back was to him, but he could see Holden. He waved a hand, set the clothes on the counter, and then stepped back to give them a little more space. There were plenty of other things he could do, like pull down extra pillows and blankets and leave them in Holden’s room.
Jace didn’t see Callan, didn’t hear him. He kept his eyes squeezed shut and tried to just breathe.
“I really wanted it,” he said, though his words sounded strained. “I really tried. I thought I could do it.”
His arms wrapped around Holden, finally, and he squeezed him--tiredly, but tightly, like he was holding onto a lifeline.
“I don’t know how to make it right. I want to fix it. I don’t know what to do. She’s so mad, Holden,” he finally confessed, quietly--because so little about this was about failing the test, and so much of it was about failing his mother. “--I just left. I just. Out the window, I left. I didn’t know what to do--I don’t even know why I did it,” he said, and the words spilled out quickly, but all he could do was hold onto Holden, like that said something he couldn’t say with words.
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2021 5:27 pm
Holden managed to give Callan a small ‘thumbs up’ to show that he saw and appreciated what had been dropped off, but otherwise didn’t let go of Jace. “You can do this, maybe you just had test anxiety, but you can do it again Jace…. if I believed anyone could quote most of a Law book, it’s you. I…. she might be mad, she might need time to calm down… but no one here is mad. No one here is even angry about it” He rubbed small circles into Jace’s back. “Hey… we have clean dry clothes, think you want to try swapping into them?” He murmured. “We can do little things, like eat a little, then go watch a movie in my room. I’ll hold you all you want, I’ll brush your hair… Little things, nice things… No yelling, just a safe place, a quiet place.”
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2021 6:09 pm
Jace didn’t answer out loud at first; he just lowered his head and held Holden tighter, and then--reluctantly--he nodded.
The circles on his back felt comforting, Holden’s words felt comforting.
Dry clothes sounded good, and food, and even a movie, but what sounded the best was Holden’s arms around him, even if it made his stomach flop.
He didn’t want to move out of this position for any of those things, though. He tried to pull away but his body wouldn’t move, so instead, he just slumped against him a little extra.
“...I should text them,” he said. “...My phone has low battery.”
But, it was in a waterproof case, at least, so it wasn’t broken. One less thing to be worried about.
“...I haven’t messaged her back. Maybe she’s worried,” he suggested, and he was so desperate to believe that his mother might be frustrated because she was worried that he was ready to go home right now--before the rational part of his mind tried to suffocate the idea, before he could remember that things didn’t work in his house like they work in Holden’s.
Maybe he just didn’t have a good imagination, or a good memory, but he couldn’t remember the last time she’d held him like this--if she ever did.
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d ever felt comfort like this.
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2021 6:16 pm
“You can use mine.” Holden said and fished his phone out of his pocket, he even took a moment to show Jace how to unlock it. “You…can call her from it too if you want, but if she starts yelling I am going to take it from her.” He added. “And if you want, you can call her in the morning, we’re not kicking you out if this is what you need right now.” He promised, pressing the phone gently into Jace’s hand and then leaning his head against Jace’s chest, containing the small circles. “But… maybe dry clothes and food before any phone calls. Texts are one thing… calls are, more involved in a way.” “Besides, I think we ordered every desert they had to offer and we need to defeat some of them so the rest can be saved in the fridge or freezer.” He teased.
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2021 7:15 pm
Jace glanced at the food, and a part of him felt relieved just to know that he could reach out, he wasn’t crazy. Holden said it was okay. He said he could text.
“...Just a text,” he said, and swallowed. “And then I’ll go change. And then I’ll eat,” he promised, because if he could complete one task, then he could allow some sort of reasonable reward--and it’s what Holden wanted, anyway.
He stayed resting against Holden, and despite being cold, and tired, and hungry, he felt stronger just leaning against him. His fingers moved, almost like they weren’t his own. He didn’t question how the clothes had gotten there, he’d forgotten about Callan completely.
Text. Just text. In case she’s worried.
He could do that.
And then change clothes. And eat. And do what Holden wanted.
He could do that.
His fingers moved numbly, taking far too long to travel across an unfamiliar screen, but that wasn’t the reason for his delay. If he pressed send, he didn’t know what he’d unleash.
So, he sent a simple message.
This is Jace, my phone is dead. I’m sorry. I’ve got a room for tonight. I’ll try to be back soon.
His fingers hovered over the send button for too long, and then, finally, he sent it--in the same moment that he had to push himself away from Holden so he didn’t just stay there. He set the phone on the counter and hesitated for only a second, before grabbing the first burger there and forcing himself to pick up some of the dry clothes.
He could tell from the two stacks which one was supposed to be his, and he supposed it was not the stack with Holden’s favorite pajamas.
He wasn’t dripping as much now, but there was still a little trail after him. “...Can I borrow the bathroom down here?” he asked, and added, “...And can I take this with me?” he asked of the burger, and his stomach didn’t really do him any favors by growling loudly.
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2021 7:54 pm
“Yes.” Holden said seriously. “You may take the burger.” He nodded solemnly with just a hint of the normal humor in his eyes. “Go get changed, I’ll put the fries in the oven just to warm them up a bit, do you want like… ketchup? I can put some in a little cup and we can share.” He added. Something normal he hoped would help because he’d watched the hesitation before the send. He then made at least the motions to grab a burger of his own and held it up with a small smile. “I’ll trade places with you when you’re done, then we can sit and nibble … I’ll even tell Callan we might need help if you want.” He glanced at the…vast quantities of food on the table. “Go on, I’ll be right here.”
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Posted: Sat May 08, 2021 6:06 am
Jace nodded, operating somewhat in a daze, but he took his collection and went to the bathroom with it. He unwrapped the burger on the way, and it was gone before he’d even really managed to change out of anything.
He moved as quickly as he could, which wasn’t saying much, because he was fighting against cold and fatigue, but he didn’t want to disappoint Callan and get the rest of the house wet.
He was still gone for long enough for Holden’s phone to ring. Long enough for Holden to pick up. Long enough for Jace’s mother to demand to know who he was with, where he was, to demand he come home. To lose her patience. To start making threats. To get hung up on.
She was more insistent on speaking to Jace immediately, but the tone in her voice betrayed little relief at hearing he was alright. There was no reassurance, she was still upset that he’d run out, that he’d been avoiding her.
She was persistent, and called back once, and apparently being sent to voicemail wasn’t enough to give her the hint because she called back twice more before she stopped.
Jace came out a moment after her last call; his hair had been dried a little, and he said apologetically, “I used a towel, I hope that’s okay.”
He wasn’t complaining about the clothes Callan had picked out; they were still a little big, but he was warm. And hungry. He threw away the crinkled wrapper before he looked over to Holden. “...Do you want me to dry up in here? Or,” he shrugged a little and glanced to the rest of the food before his stomach could growl again.
His mood was shifting, a fragile stability, but he seemed almost okay now. Or, at least, well enough to focus on taking care of himself, as long as it was at someone else’s direction.
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Posted: Sat May 08, 2021 9:32 am
He let her go to voicemail, sent her to it in fact, after the first go around. He was not here to be threatened, or to listen to threats against Jace. The voice mail would transcribe anything else she had to say, so Jace could read it, without having to hear it too. “Of course it’s ok! Have a seat, I’m not as damp, I’ll towel your hair off while you eat how’s that sound? Then I’ll dry up in there after I change.” He swapped the phone to ‘silent’ for now. Let Jace eat, and recover for a few moments before he shared any messages. If Jace super wanted to look, he now knew how to unlock Holden’s phone. He took a bite of his own burger and shook his head at it looking scandalized. “Why are these so… absolutely awfully perfect on nights like this? I mean they are … awful for salt content and stuff but…”
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Posted: Sun May 09, 2021 8:34 am
Jace hesitated, like he needed a second to think about it, but as he thawed it seemed like the hunger had returned. The small task of texting his mother had felt more like an immense victory, like toppling some impossible feat, and though he glanced towards the phone, he didn’t ask about it. Instead, he picked up another burger
“I don’t know,” he admitted of the burgers, but complied and took a seat near Holden. He kept clenching his jaw, like he was trying to work out stress but didn’t know how to. He didn’t look up at he started eating the burger--but really, he should have grabbed two before he sat down because it seemed like half of it was gone with the first bite.
He managed to maintain a few manners though, and swallowed before he said, “Thank you.” And then, again, “I’m sorry.”
His voice was shaky, possibly a mixture of cold, and emotions, and it was clear that he was having a difficult time navigating through his mind and sorting out feelings, but he leaned back in the chair because he trusted Holden, at least.
He didn’t trust himself, but he trusted Holden.
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