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 Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 7:01 am
Time really didn’t have any meaning. Nothing did. It was dark before, it was dark now. The only difference between last night and tonight was that it was absolutely pouring rain, and Jace had made an incredible miscalculation.
If he’d been any sort of clever, he’d have made sure he had a hotel or something before the sun went down.
But, he didn’t. And it was raining too much for him to see where he was going very well, and it’s not like he could whip out his phone in this weather for directions. He’d made the mistake of turning it back on an hour ago, to another angry tirade that made him feel like he was rapidly slipping. Everything hurt, but he’d done it to himself. He’d walked this much, he’d skipped meals, he was out in the rain. He just wasn’t sure he understood how words could hurt more than what he’d done to himself already. Little needles in his mind and his heart, like scratch marks across his body. He had to shut the phone off again because he just couldn’t deal with it right now.
Walking had done him well so far--no, it hadn’t, but he was in perpetual denial--so he thought he might just keep doing it.
Except, ‘until he collapsed’ was probably getting closer and closer. Even after his nap earlier, he was exhausted, and he wasn’t hungry, so why bother eating? He’d thrown up coffee, how was he supposed to stomach food? And, it was cold. He’d probably only been in the rain for fifteen minutes, but he was rapidly losing any faith that it was going to stop any time soon.
He was all the way across town from home; he didn’t think he’d be able to walk there--or, sneak into his window and pretend like he’d never left at all.
Now, more than ever, he wasn’t ready to deal with the fallout of his failure--because, now he really hadn’t been able to deny it. It was a stigma, stuck to him, something he wasn’t sure he could ever overcome.
And, he still hadn’t figured out how to work through these emotions. It was either a blessing or a curse that every thought in his head felt like mud, like he could almost reach each thought clearly, but there was some haze that prevented him from processing it.
On the up side, he hadn’t had a complete breakdown. On the down side, he was absolutely no closer to figuring out what to do and how to approach this with his family, who he was certain must all absolutely hate him by now. Even if Xander hadn’t resented him for failing, Jace had stuck him with his angry, furious mother, all alone, for the past day.
He hoped she wasn’t taking it out on him, hoped he was over at Nelson’s--but then, that would mean Q knew he’d lost it, and--
Thunder echoed again, once more dragging him out of his thoughts while reminding him how ******** cold he was.
He doubted anywhere was going to take him in, soaking as wet as he was. If he stayed out here for much longer, maybe he’d just get numb enough that he could handle going back home. Maybe.
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 7:37 am
“Jace?” The voice was so quiet, so tremulous like your very name heralded an apparition. “Jace!?” And then the hurried sound of Holden’s steps rushing towards him, the wet slap slap of his shoes in the cold and the damp. “Oh my god, Jace!! What happened!? You’re soaked! Have you been out all… oh my god.” His umbrella bounced as it hit the ground, the bright print of ‘VanGogh Sunflowers’ jarring against the heavy rain, and arms wrapping around you, ignoring the damp that soaked through you. “Jace oh my god, you’re freezing!! You’re soaked through! Are you well enough to come with me? Do I need to call a doctor?!” He leaned back enough to reach up and brush a warm hand against your face like he could brush away the icy chill.
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 8:02 am
The most startling thing of all of this was that Jace did not immediately recognize Holden.
He could see his face clearly in his dreams, could identify his voice in a crowd--and yet, here, now, Jace didn’t have any comprehension of who was hugging him for several full seconds. His brain was lagging so much that the whole thing processed out of order.
For a few seconds, nothing.
Sunflowers, he thought first. And then, warm.
The umbrella was on the ground, next.
A hug had never felt so smothering before, from this complete, absolute stranger, trapping him here. He had to keep moving.
Oh--wait, no. The stranger had said his name, so he couldn’t have been a stranger. Right?
Oh.
No, the hug was nice.
This was Holden.
Jace’s throat was suddenly on fire. He didn’t know what to do with his hands, and he couldn’t seem to find his voice--but Holden was there, waiting for an answer. Jace couldn’t tell how much time had passed, except he was vaguely aware that Holden was getting wet without his umbrella.
He didn’t want to think about himself, or where he’d been, or if he was well enough, or anything.
He’d barely spoken to anyone--hadn’t, actually, since he’d order coffee, and even then he wasn’t sure he remembered actually ordering or just vaguely gesturing. He’d been afraid that if he opened his mouth something other than words might come out, but for whatever it was worth, Holden gave him some modicum of strength.
Or, at least, worried him enough that Jace was able to forget his own problems for a moment.
“You’re getting wet,” he cautioned, as if Holden wouldn’t already know. He was so warm, Jace wanted to melt into it; he wanted the heat, but he didn’t want it at Holden’s expense.
He tried to pull away, regardless of how badly he wanted to stay in his arms, like if he extracted himself, the rain would suddenly stop and Holden would suddenly be dry, and Jace wouldn’t have to worry about taking what he didn’t deserve.
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 8:43 am
“So are you!” The reply was almost furious, but he pushed it down. He had so many questions, things he wanted answered like why he hadn’t come to their house. Did he not think he’d be welcomed? “Come on… please… come with me. Let’s get you somewhere warm, with dry clothes!” He needed to call or text Callan, something that wouldn’t upset Jace more. He seemed so lost, like he wasn’t there. He knew something had gone very wrong in the Jianmin household. That their mother was on the ‘war path’ as Xander had put it. He knew too well how dedicated Jace was to his Mother, how hard he worked to fill her expectations, her hopes and dreams for him. He left a hand on Jace, releasing one just long enough to fetch his umbrella and do his best to shake it out. “Take this… okay? You’re taller I don’t want to bonk you!” He wanted … a blanket, a better coat, something, anything. But he could at least give him one that was warmed. He was so afraid that it would wreck Jace, the cold and the damp and lord knew what the stress was doing.
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 8:57 am
Jace didn’t argue, because honestly he couldn’t remember how to really talk, much less about himself or his own well-being. He heard Holden’s words at least, and processed some rationality to it. He took the umbrella in one numb hand and held it more over Holden than himself.
Maybe it was conscious, that part of him that wanted to keep Holden safe and happy. Maybe it was unconscious, like he just couldn’t process doing anything for himself right now.
He didn’t decline Holden’s offer--Holden had said please, how could he say no? How could he do something to disappoint him, too?
His heart felt like it was something small, trapped in a little box with the walls closing in. He felt small and boxed in, but the pain in his chest was just crushing. His breathing was ragged, if not from the cold and exhaustion, from the emotional toll he’d put on himself, too.
It was late, wasn’t it? It was dark. It was raining. Why wasn’t Holden inside, why was he out in this? That was crazy, he should be home and safe and warm.
“...What are you doing out here?” he asked, even though his voice felt foreign and strange to him, and was barely loud enough to be heard over the pouring rain. He was confused, too tired to protest, and seemed to stand almost obediently next to Holden as he held the umbrella up.
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 9:06 am
Holden was struggling his way out of the damp that had soaked into the shoulders of his jacket, the birds embroidered onto it glinted from their sodden socratic sequins “Looking for YOU!” He said the scolding rising again in his voice as he stood on his toes to bring the jacket over Jace’s shoulders and then pushed the umbrella back to cover them both more equally. “I’m texting Callan! He’ll bring the car!” He said it as firmly as he could muster, glad enough for the damp that hid the prickle of tears in his eyes. He wanted to scold him more, but not till they were safe, not till they were warm. “Have you eaten? You didn’t… you didn’t contact ANYONE, we were all so worried! Come… we’re getting under cover, I’ll get you something warm even if you don’t eat it or drink it just…something warm. I’ll get you a gas station sweat shirt even!”
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 9:43 am
Jace’s face was blank for most of the exchange; his brows were just slightly knit, but not in the way they were usually furrowed. He looked tired, and empty, and even his resting b***h face had abandoned him.
It wasn’t any easier to read him, though; he stayed still while Holden put his jacket on him and didn’t protest, even though he was worried that Holden might get sick. Jace hadn’t gotten sick yet, he probably wouldn’t. Maybe. He hadn’t even thought about it.
He didn’t try to readjust the umbrella, just held it where Holden had wanted it.
Had he eaten? “I had coffee,” he heard himself say, and left off the part about throwing it up--and then, suddenly, “Don’t text Callan. I don’t want him to yell at me,” he said, not quite desperate, but almost. Almost.
It was the only time he showed any resistance, and even after he’d said it, he looked like he’d almost been ready to argue, but he had no fight in him and his shoulders had slumped like he didn’t have a reason not to have him.
But it was so easy to imagine his loud, booming voice--the persona he adopted in the ring, just berating him--because they were looking for him, he hadn’t contacted anyone, he’d worried them--
He could hear his mother’s angry voice in the back of his mind, only she wasn’t yelling at him for those things. He couldn’t imagine her scolding him because he made her worry, but another roll of thunder shook him out of whatever dark hallway of his mind he was creeping down and he blinked again; he might have been under the umbrella, but water was dripping into his face, his eyes, and he didn’t even bother to wipe it off.
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 10:32 am
Holden froze in that moment, and then his hands rose to cup Jace’s cheeks. “Jace - Jace, Callan won’t yell at you. No one is going to yell at you, I just want him here with the nice warm car so we can get you back to our house, with the nice fat birds and the good food, alright?” He ran his thumbs over those icy cold cheeks to reassure him, wanting to give him comfort, feeling so unsure how. “He won’t yell at you, I’ll fight him if he does. Please jace… lets get you something dry and warm at least.”
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 11:01 am
Jace felt the hands on his cheeks but the moment Holden’s eyes came into view, he couldn’t look at him. His eyes dipped to the ground, but he instinctively pressed a little closer, into the soft hands, and the warmth.
He wondered how Holden could say no one was going to yell at him when he knew his mother was waiting to yell at him, when he could still hear the voicemails echoing, bouncing around between his ears.
Holden had said please again, though, and Jace didn’t have any fight in him. He could hide from messages on his phone, but he couldn’t hide from Holden in front of him. Everything he was offering sounded nice, and even if Jace couldn’t figure out why he deserved any of those things, he nodded.
He couldn’t believe that Callan wouldn’t yell--wasn’t he upset that Holden was out here, soaking wet, at the very least?
Vaguely, he thought he might try to convince him otherwise, but the only thing he could think to protest with was that he’d get the car wet, and Holden had eyes--he could see it. He must have already known.
So, without anything else, he just nodded again and kept his eyes averted so he couldn’t see whatever disappointment must have been plastered all over Holden’s face already.
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 11:19 am
He texted Callan then, asking him to get to them as quick as he could, pointing him towards the nearest 7-11 in the hopes he could find some tall cheep warm drink to get into Jace, and better he hoped a dry bit of clothing. They could feed him better when they got him back to their house. Just… getting him “It’ll be warm soon, okay? Just follow me, you’ll come to our house. I’ll tell Xander you’re OK, but he’s not going to tell anyone you’re with us until you’re ready.” He could at least give reassurances as he wrapped Jace’s arm over his shoulder and started towards the 7-11 with a determination that would have suited him well when he was in uniform. But this felt more real, and at least as terrible as facing down the strange monsters in the night. “He’ll meet us… we’re going to find you a dry shirt or better a sweat shirt, and a drink, a warm drink. Do you want food? I’ll get you food at our house if you don’t think you can do gas station food, I’ll understand, but you need something warm you’re -freezing!”
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 1:09 pm
The text from Callan that he was on his way was almost immediate, like he’d had his phone on him and was waiting for a message.
“I’m not hungry,” Jace answered honestly; he didn’t feel hungry. He felt empty, like a void had opened up inside of him, and was just consuming everything he had to give.
But, he wasn’t hungry.
A drink didn’t even sound good; he’d had enough water. And he’d thrown up the last thing he’d had.
He trailed along with Holden, still holding the umbrella, still overly concerned with how wet he was, and how Holden was going to get wet, and how he didn’t understand why Holden was being so nice.
“...Is Xander okay?” he asked, because he felt an almost dizzying wave of dread at the idea that Xander could tell someone anything. Was Xander mad, too? Was he frustrated that he'd left him alone with their mother while she was rampaging? Did he have to listen to her scream into her phone, was she taking her frustration out on him now that Jace was gone?
He had a deep, unrealistic fear that his mother had confiscated Xander’s phone and was monitoring it, that she’d know where he was, that she’d come get him.
He was an adult, though, that was--that was stupid.
And yet, there was a lump in his throat and his legs suddenly felt like they’d been dipped in cement. He wasn’t sure he wanted to go anywhere; he didn’t feel like himself. He felt like someone else was borrowing his body, and he was vaguely aware of the things it said, the things it thought, but he felt somewhere else.
He wished he was somewhere else; he was anxious and exhausted and things were buzzing loudly in his head and he couldn’t focus.
But really, why would he have wanted to, anyway? He didn’t want to think about any of this.
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 1:16 pm
“Xander said he was ‘holding down the fort’” Holden said honestly. “So… I think he’s alright, or at least getting by. His primary concern was that you were okay.” He squeezed Jace’s hand. Xander hadn’t said much, in fact it had mostly been in a code that he’d put out to the circle of friends in case Xander himself needed to get out in a hurry. But he’d specifically mentioned Jace, and that had been its own kind of chaos. The last person they thought would need to run from unbridled wrath and disappointment was Jace…and yet here they were. Holden took a breath and squeezed Jace’s hand again, pausing in the florescent illumination of the 7-11. “Jace… do you need to go to a doctor? Please…please let me know. Did… did she hurt you?”
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 1:25 pm
Something almost primal snapped in Jace, and he finally looked at Holden as if he’d been slapped. “Why would you ask that?”
He was visibly offended, like it was such a ridiculous question it had broken through whatever haze he’d padded around himself so he didn’t have to think about things.
“She would never,” he insisted, with equal force, like if he said it forcefully enough Holden would get it. “I don’t need a doctor, that’s ridiculous. I’m fine,” he said, and almost--almost--drew his hand back, like he meant to leave.
Except, he was cold, and Holden’s hand was warm, and maybe a part of him realized that he didn’t have anywhere to go but home, and he didn’t want to go home.
The expressions on his face were difficult to decipher, but his breathing had picked up and he had braced himself like he was ready for some sort of fight.
He wasn’t fine, nothing about him seemed fine, and whatever fire had been stoked was quickly dying but Jace was clinging to it like it was the only thing he had. The water, and the chill, and the fatigue, was crushing down on him, but despite everything he was ready to defend her.
Even if she was the reason he was terrified to go home.
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 4:02 pm
“Because you look like someone who’s in shock! Or you did!” He countered, bristling just a little. “Because you -scared- me, If I hadn’t found you I….” He cut himself short, everything he wanted to say too much for rain and cold and just shook his head. “Inside, if they complain I’m going to beat them with an umbrella, you need warm clothing and we can talk when you’re WARM and when you’re SAFE. Because this is NEITHER and I am not letting go of your hand!” He turned and marched for the door of the 7-11, squeezing Jace’s hand like if he tried to let go he might actually have to fight to get free, his attention immediately on a rack of sweat shirts that were advertising someone’s Chili Dogs but looked cheep and warm. “Pick a color!” He pointed. “And a size that will fit you.” He added. “Then you and I are going to the hot drinks, where we’re getting the largest Churro hot-chocolate they have because I’m not letting you pour acidic drinks in your mouth until you eat!”
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Posted: Thu May 06, 2021 4:13 pm
Jace deflated quickly, and with Holden’s hand gripping his own, he had immediately given up any idea of actually trying to run away or start some sort of fight. It didn’t hit him how cold he was until he was in the air conditioning of the convenience store, and he deliberately didn’t look up because he didn’t want to deal with an annoyed cashier dreading mopping up after him.
“Um,” Jace said, uncharacteristically wordless but that seemed to be the theme of today.
He didn’t care about the color, or the size. He just picked the one closest to him--black, which was convenient, although probably a bit too big for him. He didn’t care, he looked ashamed enough to have to, anyway. If Holden wanted hot drinks, and wanted him to drink churro hot-chocolate, he’d do that, but the thought made his stomach bubble and he quietly said, “I don’t know if food’s a good idea.”
Food, drink, any of it. He didn’t want to throw up in Callan’s car, or on Holden. He’d have to throw himself out of the car window, too, if he did.
He usually liked to look at Holden. Especially when no one was looking and he could get away with tracing the angles of his face without anyone seeing.
Now, he couldn’t look up. He didn’t want to see disappointment. He didn’t want to see worry, didn’t want to feel guilty for dragging him into this.
He didn’t let go of his hand, though.
If there was any comfort in the world, that was the one he couldn’t seem to let go of.
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