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 Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 8:42 am
It would be fair to say that Jace was selectively oblivious to everything happening around him. In a little less than a month, he had to take the test. That he wasn't ready for. That he'd known about for months, because his mother hadn't stopped reminding him, and now that they were only weeks out from it, the pressure just kept mounting.
There were days when he knew he knew everything. There were days when he couldn't remember his name. He would isolate himself in his room for hours, days. Sometimes he'd check his phone. Sometimes he didn't deserve a break.
Sometimes he remembered to eat. Sometimes he made it to bed before falling asleep.
Most of the time he was cranky, in the way that he got when he was pushing himself too hard, or when he was nervous, or when he was frustrated or overwhelmed.
The reasonable thing to do was avoid him, and Jace had been making as much of an effort to spare his friends the need to have to by just avoiding them, for the most part.
He had pulled another all-nighter to try and memorize a concept he thought he understood but kept twisting things around in his head. He said he could sleep when he understood, and the hours without rest had only complicated things. So, instead of sleep, he decided he could have coffee.
Good, since he hadn't had anything to eat since early in the evening, and obviously wasn't a factor in his lack of retention.
It was still early but he knew he heard Xander up and moving. It was too late for his parents to still be here, but it felt too early for Xander to be up and productive.
Except, this wasn't the first time he'd been up and doing things. Xander had been remarkably respectful about Jace's extended, unkind, self-induced cramming sessions and that was suspicious too. Usually his brother had come into badger him about something--Xander wasn't good at being left alone.
Even if Jace knew that sometimes the bothering was Xander checking in on him and making sure he was okay. Even if he had to pretend that he didn't like it. Even if he couldn't admit that sometimes he was too hard on himself and needed someone to pull him out of whatever pit he'd thrown himself into.
...But Xander hadn't, and in a sleepy, hungry, frustrated state, it was easy to be annoyed with him for not coming in to annoy him.
He was still in yesterday's clothes when he extracted himself from his room to go see what Xander was doing up and about--and then he saw him.
Cleaned up, put together. Almost looking good enough that mom might have been surprised. If he put on a suit or something, maybe.
Jace squinted. "Where are you going so early? Dressed like that?"
He didn't like that Xander was more put together than him and he shifted positions, feeling like he needed to slap his cheeks and tie up his hair a little better, at least.
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 9:13 am
“Ahhh…emmm…” Xander said stuffing hands in his pockets. “Like uh, what? How are you holding up by the way? Have you eaten? I was starting to think you might have become one of your textbooks, or that I should ask Q to come to check on you. I bet she’d use that line she did the one time on Mom…the one about uh… how valuable a resource it was for you to be so well acquainted with a future doctor of such diverse training. But…seriously are you ok? You look like hell, also brains don’t work if you don’t feed them…I can make you something! Get you something?” Sometimes, it did seem like Xander didn’t actually need to breathe. He just sort of worked it in somehow around the words making a chain of syllables and chatter that just didn’t seem to stop. Especially when he was deflecting. Especially when he was nervous. Especially…. because he was blushing.
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 1:43 pm
Too many words, too quickly. Jace knew they were hiding something. He would have known even if his eyes were closed, even if he couldn't see the way Xander was red. He knew he had more oxygen in him than to have run out of breath and gone red after just that.
"I look fine," he snapped, and tugged out his hair, combing his fingers through it. He stood up straight, tied his hair up, and smoothed out his clothes. Xander had said too much for him to even go back and respond to all of it, and if his goal had been to disorient Jace, it worked. But, he wasn't going to be deterred.
"You can get me an answer, maybe. What are you hiding?" he asked, now taking a few steps forward and circling him like a predator looking for weakness. "You've been acting weird for a while. What's going on?"
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 2:06 pm
Xander ducked his head, still blushing, and rubbed the back of his neck. Even knowing that Jace wasn’t the sort of person who lashed out physically, there were some behaviors that just… slid into other aspects of your life, manageable only by at least an affectation of jua de vivre. But now, well… he’d been quiet about it too long. “I uh…” He stuffed his toes against the floor. “So… N… Nelson, and I… sorta… “ He took a breath and then spat it out. “Might be dating. I didn’t want to hide it from you but I didn’t want to stress you out EITHER! You just know Mom’s gonna think it’s… a problem or that I’m JUST doing it to piss her off, but I’m not… so if you don’t know she can’t pry it out of you, and If I don’t tell her she can’t be mad at me till AFTER you pass your exams and ….” He rubbed his arm sheepishly. “I’m serious about um…” He huffed out a breath. “You do look like you need to eat, or like I should be creeping back and putting Boba on your window sill.”
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 2:34 pm
At first, Jace thought he'd misheard. The extent at which he had deprived himself of food and sleep might have hit him when he realized just what he thought he'd misheard, and it took him so off guard that he lost the edge he'd built up.
For a moment, he just stared at Xander. Forget sleep, forget food, forget Xander talking about anything but this.
His gaze was intent and piercing, almost accusatory--in a way that looked too much like his mother. And yet, he didn't wield her biting words. There was a coldness to them, but Jace had a habit of such when he was confused, or thinking carefully about his words. "...How long?" he asked, followed by, "Does Q know?"
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 3:51 pm
“Nnnnnot very long.” He rubbed his arm “We sorta thought that neither of us liked the other and it got… Uh… we were really…dumb.” He admitted, which he didn’t figure was a shocking revelation at all. As far as the question of ‘Q’ was concerned though, he started to answer, looked uncertain, and then had to admit… “I… think so?” He said cautiously. “Maybe?…. not…actually sure. Kinda got caught up in the idea that someone who isn’t family, likes me, like likes-likes me.” He bit at his lip and ducked his chin, looking up cautiously because of ‘that tone’, even knowing it was Jace, again, some reactions were harder to ditch. “You know I’d never -really- ditch you though yeah? I worry about you. this is … like Book-farm a bit.”
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 4:19 pm
Jace's brows knit on his face, like his expression was twisting into something nasty, but it stopped. It hadn't been directed at Xander, but there wasn't any way to say that without also saying, 'Don't look at me like I'm mom,' because he knew how Xander had to curb himself to be something closer to what she wanted whenever she addressed her.
He didn't like the timid way his brother answered, the way he seemed cautious about it.
He had to relax his muscles, which was difficult because he wanted to squint like he did when given information that was hard to process, but he knew what that did to his face and he didn't want Xander trying to assess every wrinkle and furrow on his face looking for disapproval that didn't exist.
He wondered how easily Xander could see through whatever expression he was wearing though, because Xander seemed to know how terrified Jace was of being ditched before it had even sunk into Jace's mind that it was a possibility.
That alone was a strange fear that gripped his heart so suddenly that he felt like someone had stuck their hand in his gut, yanked his innards up, and tried to choke out his heart. It was irrational, he tried to ration, but on an empty stomach and a desperate need for sleep, he just wound up dizzy.
The best thing to do was ignore that, because he was definitely not in the mood to process his brother ditching him. For Nelson.
"How long have you liked him?" he demanded. "You never said anything! I had no idea."
He didn't know what to do. He wanted to shake Xander until he told him everything, every last detail that Jace had missed for however long this had been going on. He didn't want to hurt him. Maybe he wanted to smother him a little bit and mess up his hair so they matched a little better. He put his hand on the wall and lifted his leg, peeling off his sock and threw that at Xander, instead. "Don't keep secrets from me!"
He put his cold, bare foot down and reached for the other one, intent on throwing that one at Xander, too.
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 4:29 pm
“Sorry! Sorry, I’m trying not to! you do ‘that tone’ when you’re this tired! AH! Hey hey! that’s just…that’s dirty! Very …actually dirty! ew!” He kicked back one of the socks and put his hands up to defend as best he could from the second one. “Stop throwing socks at me! I’ll tell you about it! Aaaa! I’ll make you food! Sit we can talk! I’ll tell Nelson I told you too!” He took a breath and braced himself, trying to find that exact moment when he’d realized he -liked- Nelson. But it wasn’t… a solid thing. “I… I don’t know. I never really thought about really liking anyone. You know? I mean I just sorta…do my thing and people yell at me or…smack me on the arm.” He worried at his lower lip, lost in that thought, still chasing it like maybe there had been a spark of realization. “I… just… LIKE him. Like, last time I tried to talk about it… I thought I just established that he absolutely didn’t like me back, not like that… and then I guess we were just, really stupid and talking at cross purposes because then we talked again and….” he waved a hand vaguely. “Annnnd…. he then just flat out SAID it, which you know, maybe If I’d been that blunt we could have started this before you were this close to your test and I wouldn’t be… explaining like THIS.” "But, Jace... Nelson isn't going to try and 'steal' me from you, he and Q both worry about you too."
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 4:38 pm
Jace scowled as he listened, and moved to collect his socks and tug them back on as he listened. They were only as dirty as the floor of the house; he hadn't even gone out since changing, but he didn't plan on telling Xander that, even as he considered throwing them once more.
Xander was lucky his feet were too cold.
"Well, tell them not to worry about me, I'm fine," he muttered, and stood back up after his socks were on. He gestured to the kitchen. "Well? Go, you said you'd make me something."
Even as he began to walk towards the kitchen, fully intending on just seating himself on the counter while Xander did all the work, he paused. "--Wait. You didn't tell me why you're all dolled up. What is this, are you--are you going on a date? --Where? I can't make you late, how long do you have before you leave?"
But, he could make him late. He could do a lot of things to make him late. A selfish part of Jace wanted Xander to prove that he wasn't going to let Nelson 'steal' him away, but he shoved the thought down and blamed it on being hangry.
...Except, now the thought was in his head, and...
He wanted to shake his head and squirm until he forgot about it, but instead he just huffed and continued into the kitchen.
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 4:54 pm
“I’ll text him!” Xander assured. “If Q got wind that I left you unfed, I still wouldn’t make it to the date.” He gave a sheepish but also teasing grin. “I… can’t promise I’ll answer if you text while I’m -on- the date, but I can text you when I’m on the way back and give you the light version details?” He paused by the Toaster in the kitchen and started out toasting slices of bread, whole wheat because he wasn’t going to load Jace on Junk-food -just- yet. The next stop was the fridge for lunch meats and other vegetables for stacking on in the best ‘Dagwood’ he could come up with. He balanced a soda on his hoard as well before making his way back to the counter to spread things out, other than the soda, which he haded directly to Jace because lord knew he probably needed it. “We’re basically just going to hang out and… see where our feet take us. I’m not going to any movies I want to see -with you-, because we know those exist and we’re going to find time. I’m not looking for apartments… if anything it’s been at least a little keeping Q from showing up with her acupuncture everything and whatever other threats she might have to make sure you…you know, sleep… in your bed, without collapsing.” This time he did direct a worried look at Jace. “Like… you wanted me to make sure I couldn’t be sent back to the Farm. Well…don’t forget I promised even with that I’d be sure to have space for you. Blood or not you're my BROTHER.”
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 5:22 pm
Jace accepted the soda as he mulled over his options; he cracked it open and, despite it all, he still managed a little smile when Xander declared them brothers. "I know, I know," he said, and maybe even sounded a little relieved. The drink was cold and the carbon in it made him want to sneeze; he chugged half of it too quickly, but when he lowered the can he at least seemed like he was catching up with everything.
"I wouldn't tell Q that you abandoned me to go seduce her little brother," he promised, but the idea of Xander seducing anyone made his stomach flop. If he messed this up, Q would kill him. The desire to make sure he wasn't responsible for messing it up made Jace want to shoo him out the door anyway. He could make a sandwich, that wasn't too hard.
"...You don't have to text me back if you're on your date, I'll have my nose in a book, or I'll be sleeping. But, yeah. Call. I want to hear."
Maybe because it was so foreign that he couldn't imagine it. It was something strange and new and he should have figured Xander would start dating eventually, he was an adult. In age, if not maturity, but it was still so strange.
He'd been trying to deflect, focusing on other things that Xander worrying about him, or other people worrying about him through Xander.
"It's not going to be like this forever." He gestured to himself with his free hand, "It's only a few more weeks. I've just gotta cram everything I can in and be ready. I can sleep for as much as I need to when I get back. Promise. But--if you're going to be going out with Nelson, I don't want to start getting texts from Q nagging me about bedtime and vitamins, so don't whine about me to him, okay? He tells his sister everything, and the last thing I need is her dropping by to judge me."
He felt bad enough already that he'd been avoiding his texts from them; they knew he was busy studying but it didn't change the fact that he'd left them on 'read' more often than he'd replied recently, and he wondered if he owed them both lunch or something so they didn't start think he didn't want them around.
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 5:28 pm
“Hey! Hey… he is actually the one who started seducing ME, which is like… stupid adorable. It also makes me worry about …his taste in people but, I am the one who got the moves put on them!” He waved the butter knife at Jace to make his point all the clearer, really. “But I will call.” He added. He hesitated and thought carefully before adding. “I’m going to start like, climbing in through your window to deliver food and vitamins. I just want you to know that. Then she’s not directly bothering you but everyone feels better EVEN if you fuss about it. Cause you will, even if you need it. Because let’s be honest… you are -so- mean to yourself. Like, if being mean and hard on yourself was like, an Olympic a sport? “ He paused and then shook his head. “Sorry, you know what I mean, I know how important this is, I KNOW, I’m not remotely as smart as you, I’d be dead already….but, sleep will help, eating helps!”
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 5:58 pm
Jace grumbled something, words that just died in his throat before he could pretend to argue that he wasn't mean to himself. He had high expectations, he wanted to say. There was nothing wrong with striving for perfection and accepting nothing less.
"You can't say you're not as smart as me. You just don't work as hard as me," he huffed, and maybe that was all he meant to say but he kept thinking about all of them. About Nelson asking Xander out. What happened if Q asked Holden out? What if they got mad at him being such an absent friend and ditched him?
"...Are they mad at me?" he asked, and immediately afterwards he felt stupid for it. They had a good circle of friends and everyone was connected, he was sure that if they couldn't reach him, they'd text Xander if they needed to know he wasn't keeled over and dead. It was too late to chug the rest of the soda and choke on it to stop the thought; it had already left his mind. "--I mean," he tried to explain, "They know I'm not ignoring them because I don't want to talk, right? I mean."
He exhaled heavily, distantly thinking his mother might think he was being ridiculous for worrying what other people thought of him when he knew this was 'more important'. This was his future, his career, his reputation. 'You can make new friends,' she'd said to him when he was still in grade school, like everyone he met was replaceable.
He didn't want new friends, he liked them.
...Even if Xander and Nelson had started dating. He wondered if the rest of the group knew, and he felt the sudden urge to text them and demand all of their information.
Maybe later. After he'd slept, so Q couldn't judge the bags under his eyes, and so Holden couldn't see how bad he looked.
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 6:08 pm
“No, they aren’t mad at you, they are worried though, but you should know that dance by now.” He tried to sound as reassuring as possible. “I know Holden is anxious for the exams to be over because he’s all about seeing you again, but is worried about bothering you too.” He handed over the sandwich having assembled it and cut it at an angle. Sandwiches always tasted best as triangles… it was a rule. He shook his head. “Trust me, they know. If Holden isn’t thinking up some new set of clothes for you to model I will be VERY surprised.” He added and turned to fetch another soda from the fridge and hand it over to go with the sandwich. “Also… I know I’m not as smart Jace, maybe…differently smart but I can’t do what you do. I mean… almost not.” He waved a hand discounting the occasional ‘project’ that had really captured his attention that had led him to similarly forget …. almost everything but his project. He pulled out his phone and shot a quick message to Nelson so he wouldn’t worry. “I should take a blackmail picture to show Q.” He teased.
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2021 6:29 pm
"If you do, you'll wind up with more than just socks thrown at you," Jace huffed, and accepted the soda and sandwich gratefully. He seemed to feel a little better about everything, but maybe it was just because he had food in front of him. He set the soda down and took a bite; if he'd made his own he would have had far less than this, if only because he was too tired to put in the effort. It tasted better than what he could have made--more so than skill alone, it tasted better because Xander had made it for him.
If he were any sappier, he might have hugged him.
Two bites into the sandwich, he chewed, swallowed, and spoke again. "Thanks for looking out for me. This sandwich is really good. I don't want to make you any more late for your date, though. Who knows how many you'll get," he said, and managed to summon a little smile to his face as he teased his brother. "...So when you get back, I expect the full story. I want to know how Nelson made the first move. You must be really important to him if he came that far out of his shell to ask you out. I'm..."
He faltered for words, trying to unscramble how he felt and how he should feel. "I'm happy for you. Surprised, not even going to lie. Are you gonna--are you kissing him?"
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