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Kor was still thin. He was still 'uncomfortably' thin by standards, but he was getting better. Gaining weight slowly under Derek's care. Sometimes it was hard to take, to realize that he was making this younger man take care of him. He was in his thirties, and he could barely make himself eat if it wasn't in a hard locked schedule. He even had alarms on his phone to remind him to eat a snack and get something to drink.

So when Kor went out, he always bundled up, especially in the winter, and had a bag of snacks and water on him.

It wasn't how he pictured his life. He wasn't who he thought he'd be with. He wasn't doing what he thought he would be. He was incredibly unhealthy again and it was worse than ever before. He was struggling a lot with his mental health.

This time he had therapists. Physical, mental. He had a whole network of help. He had a few people who needed him to get better, to get stronger and stay around to see the things that they promised him. So he could see life was worth it.

Anyone who knew Kor from his younger days would barely recognize him. It was just after one-thirty, and Kor was sat on a bench on the sidewalk by a bus stop because his alarm was going off. He did feel a bit light headed and dizzy, so he went for one of the high sugar snacks. Instead of immediately eating it after silencing the alarm, Kor just kind of stared at it with a frown on his face. It was going to help. So he swallowed down all the bad feelings and bit into the granola bar before sighing.

Now he just people watched. It'd take him a bit to get through this snack. A slow process, but he promised Derek he'd make every effort to stay on track.

Kor was unaware of the texting going on, but was more absorbed with psyching himself up to eat a second bite. And so he did. He looked like he was chewing glass though. The man always was expressive, even when he was at his worst.

"Bleeeeh.." His pierced tongue stuck out as he suddenly looked around and then blinked when they spotted someone.... really tall. He knew someone that tall. Wait.

"Kray?" Kor asked, tongue going back in his mouth as he sat there, raising a hand in greeting. It was a thin hand, with a band around his finger, an imprint from when he wore a ring there when he was engaged. "Kray, is that you? Hey buddy!" He still made no move to get up. Honestly he didn't know if he'd be able to walk over there without vibrating off his feet in sheer excitement.

Kor just grinned as Kraven seemed to make a bee line to him after staring for a bit. That stung, but Kor couldn't blame him. The last time Kraven had seen him, Kor had been very healthy as Rutile. Now he was about half that weight and his head had been shaved, but it was starting to grow back.

"Just eating," he said, holding up the granola bar like it was the most natural thing in the world. "Tastes like cardboard with a tiny bit of chocolate in it." The man just shrugged and bit into it again.

He waited a while then looked to his knees, which didn't show off how bad he was because they were covered in a few layers. "I'm recovering."

"Well... I ...am supposed to be hungry." He shrugged and swallowed what was in his mouth before washing it down with a lot of water.

And then Laine's name was brought up and Kor winced before his jaw locked up. "...We broke up. A while ago." It didn't feel like a while, but it was. It still hurt Kor's heart to hear her name spoken. Most people avoided it. Most people being Derek, really.

"Listen I don't... want to talk about this here. In public." ********, he didn't even want to be out in public anymore. Shoving the rest of his granola bar back in his bag, Kor stood up and just looked up at Kraven, his face looking pretty serious. "Let's go back to my place and I guess... I'll explain there, okay?" God he didn't want to talk about his near death at all but Kraven...

Kraven deserved to know.

"I'm... Getting okay. I'm slowly getting there." He just wandered back toward his apartment, not letting Derek know he was on his way back with company. Kor couldn't really even think about that since he was going to have to talk about what happened.

"Just know that none of.... this isn't... Laine didn't do this."

And so he showed up at his place above the tattoo shop, his cat winding around his legs and meowing in greeting before darting off upon seeing a new face.

"Feel free to sit. Uuuh, Derek, you here?"

"Laine and I split. I went.... I went off the deep end. I ******** up again. I..." Kor shrugged and just let his arms fall to the side after that before realizing Derek wasn't home. The man went to sit on his couch, sinking into it because he sat in his normal spot. A blanket and pillow were drawn over him, pillow held to his chest.

"I was ready to die. To give up. I was real close..." He looked at his arms and then to the floor. "Derek's.... my boyfriend. My new boyfriend. He's helping me. He..."

Derek was the one Kor lived for now. Not even MF, his cat, he lived for. It hurt to admit that.

"I'm recovering."

Kor felt so small next to Kraven. It was hard to make Kor feel small, being six-foot-two, but Kraven was even taller. So he leaned into the other and put his head against Kraven's shoulder as he sat on the couch. Those long and then legs tucked up as far as they could, making Kor even smaller.

"I still hurt you."

It's all he could say on the matter. He played that scenario in his head over and over, just like he did with Laine. Just like he did every relationship that didn't work out since River. God above, he blamed himself so hard for River's death. Still, to this day. There was no way of not blaming himself for that one. Even the therapists couldn't make him not feel guilty.

"I wasn't supposed to live. No one was going to find me. I'd just be.... missing. You know when I disappear no one finds me. I'm good at that. The only thing I'm good at. I ******** up everything else and anyone who ends up getting hurt. I thought I'd be better off. There's a few who'd miss me. But you'd go on. She'd go on. I thought it'd... I thought it'd be a good thing. I wouldn't ruin anyone else. Suicidal thinking is very selfish." Kor licked his lips, tongue piercing making soft noises as it knocked against the lip piercings. "How my head was... No one could have helped. Not even if I was in the hospital where they can deal with that. I..." he rubbed at his eyes, tears falling down his face as he sniffled. "I'm not supposed to be here."

God, he even failed at this.

"But I was in the hospital for...months. I'm.. I'm in an outpatient therapy... for eating disorders and depression. B-back on the medication.. Sometimes..."

He looked over to Kraven when the other talked about shovel talking his boyfriend and he couldn't muster up a smile. His long fingers went to picking at his jeans just so he didn't bite his thumb raw again like he really wanted to do.

"D-don't.. don't let Laine know..."

The darker man said nothing. He couldn't. There wasn't much he could say without just breaking further down. All his depression and anxiety was not playing well right now as he looked at the man hugging him like this. It felt so familiar and yet so foreign to him, to be like this with Kraven.

Kor didn't really want to hear this. Not how much he was missed. He couldn't handle that too. It hurt. Kraven was hurting him with his words. How could anyone want him here after hurting them like he did? At least he gave Kraven the decency of a warning, but Laine? He'd just broke her heart just like that. Kor never once thought he brought happiness to anyone. Maybe at the beginning, but everyone ended up miserable because of him.

Kor swallowed harder as his hand was snatched and he just hung his head further at those words.

Then he spoke about not being able to find Laine and he looked up in a panic, eyes wide, red and still dripping with tears. "What do you mean? You ...You're not looking hard enough. She..."

Would he be able to find her if he powered up?

That thought terrified him. He was not strong enough to fight anyone. He couldn't even think of an excuse to tell Derek about where he'd be in the middle of the night.

Still...

"I...I'll look for her."