Welcome to Gaia! ::

At least this time when he visited Cavansite’s office, he wasn’t passing out on her floor. He counted that among the few good points he had had recently. Lord only knew he needed any that he could get.

For all that though, he was tired, He hadn’t slept enough, hadn’t eaten enough, had lost weight he could likely ill afford to have, and …to say the least, he was ‘stressed’. As though such a word could begin to cover the tsunami of emotions that might very well kill him before whoever had it out for him had a chance.

It would be one thing if he’d seen familiar faces but, that was just it wasn’t it. If he only ever saw people in uniform… he never would. The fact he’d made himself go ahead and trust Cavansite was a small miracle. For all, he knew their General Sovereign didn’t like something that he’d found in Yu’s records.

“I um…. Can I… steal you for a little. Like… drag you out, pay for food. I just… need to talk.”
He was picking at the wraps around his wrist for want of access to the old scars well-bound underneath. It was the safest, sanest looking fidget he could hold himself to right now.

Far darker desires brewed under his skin, knowing what he’d done to Sterling, knowing that such harsh words had come from Sterling… not quite… not quite able to add emphasis to the fact Sterling hadn’t known it was him, had only seen the surface, the side, only heard the lies…the…

He tried hard to shut those thoughts down, push them away. He could deal with it later… for now, he needed answers.

He waited for her to power down before he joined her, Shoulders sagging like being out of the uniform was permission to wilt that extra bit.

He opened his mouth to talk, and then closed it, started again, and squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to see the star seed sliding back into Sterling’s chest.

“I… I have a few…problems.” He murmured. I…. I need to start with a question…”

He folded his arms around himself, squeezing his arms in and against his ribs.
“If you… find out who a Knight is….” He hesitated. “is it …really kill or corrupt? Or.. or….” He rubbed his arms.
“Am I gonna… be made into a proper monster, if I can’t…. do that.”

He made a small sound in his throat, it was one of them, and he didn’t want to say which, but as little as he wanted to reveal, he revealed too much just knowing that it was someone close enough to him that he couldn’t hurt them. Not on purpose, not know that he knew.

He rubbed his face all regret and too many emotions.

“I can’t… I can’t THINK.” He rambled. “S… Someone sent my records to the house, all of them… I panicked. They threatened them, and then I got a hotel and they left me notes there. They even attacked Ilya… I just… I hurt them, trying to keep them safe, I hurt them. I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I didn’t… I didn’t mean to drag you into this. I just, I don’t know who else to talk to.”

He hurt her too, just asking her he put her in a bad spot, the Negaverse, it seemed like everything to her, hell she lived in her office.
his head hurt like hell, and he was so damn tired.

“No, they don’t… they don’t know it’s me.” He shook his head.
“Not for that… they have my police records though. I don’t know who got it, or how. Ilya said that they shouldn’t have been able to get any of it.”

He swept at the dampness in his eyes…
Monster… deserve… you deserve this…. He deserved this.

“I… I was fighting a knight, I, took his star seed and then, then Sterling was in a Coma, I brought it back and it… “ He waved his hands trying to clasp the words.
“it reacted.” He whispered, because she must know what he meant, she of all people had been doing it long enough.

“He pleaded, I didn’t know it was him, I thought I killed him.” He shuddered, remembering how lost he’d felt, how much more he felt now.

“I, have notes from whoever pushed Priam, they burned the house too, they say if I go back then they’ll hurt them too, I just know he’s back though. I put the star seed back and it just…”

He exhaled, tipping his face towards the sky as though he sought guidance.

“I- I put it back, I couldn’t stay to find out if he woke up.” He had to admit that much. He might have imagined Sterling stirring, he wasn’t sure.

“I- I could ask Ilya for an update maybe”

He leaned into her touch and sighed. “I hope he’s okay, I need him to be okay.”

He nodded that he would contact Ilya and ask - he’d do it now if he knew what had become of his phone - it didn’t feel like long since he’d pulled the seed, but he’d started questioning his sense of time. Falling asleep in fits and starts didn’t help him in the least, and he was afraid to even try speaking to ‘when’.

“I’m… sort of all over. I was trying to stay in a hotel, but I…I think it's an officer. They can get in the rooms without… I had the security latch on, I think they drained me, I woke up with a knife in the mattress, notes pinned to the mirror…”

He didn’t want to worry her more with some of what had been left, the noose, the notes - not- on the mirror.

“That’s why I didn’t just… I didn’t want to risk you too, I have no idea how strong they are or what they can do, or even who they are and why they… why they seem to know me. I thought I left everything behind at last when I came here, but it’s just….”

He shuddered.

“If…If we figure out how to do this, m-maybe we can talk to him. I just…the threatened to burn the house down with Priam and Sterling IN it this time. If he’s an officer they’d never wake up for the fire. I…Lost my phone, I have to call Ilya, or maybe I can give you his number… ********.”

“I…I can get a new burner.” He said shaking his head. 
“I just… I hadn’t… I thought I’d turn mine up, it might be in my …car, someone towed it. It died.” he groaned softly at the thought.

“I’ll… ask too. I talked to someone the other day,… she said something about ‘Cosmos’, not a knight but a lady. But I haven’t a clue how….” He shook his head.

“I really can’t hurt them… if it means you’ll be safe - just….” He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Ignore me, I’m tired.” He murmured.

She treated him like -family, like a good and proper family. Like after all this time he’d …for a time at least, been part of one. And yet, he was bound to hurt them all it seemed.

“I’ll ask around… we can meet back here, and at least I can call you on a payphone if I need to.” He offered, not wanting to take resources from her that she might need.

He’d have argued, protested the cash but the look on her face barred it as heavily as his own mind barred the idea of going to see Sterling.

If he saw him now, the questions they would have, the demands that he stay with them, not knowing how much danger he’d put them in by being there.

Soon, he told himself…maybe…

“I’ll be there…” He said and tried to pretend it was a promise. he’d try and be there, absolutely he would. But the world right now seemed to bar promises. Hope was a distant light, and it could as well be a train rushing swiftly towards him in a long dark tunnel.

“I’ll call Ilya, I’ll let you know. And… thank you.”

As though those words could encompass everything she had just offered him.