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 Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2020 4:38 pm
Yu had vague plans to have words, so many words with the man in white. He had nightmares as a matter of course, but, he didn’t often have them with this sort of frequency, or intensity. Add to that the Dogs, who still seemed to choose random hours of the night to start Barking like mad? Well… He was twitchy, to say the least. He knew on a level that he had to be careful. He’d just find reasons to barricade himself, to make himself feel safe. Still, he found himself creeping into the kitchen, glancing over his shoulder and listening to hear if anyone else was close. Satisfied, he reached up to pluck open his ‘stash’ a little hoard of chocolate that he kept in the hardest to reach cabinet in the kitchen. He felt tired in his bones, but at least he was warm, at least he had a bed and food and it was good, he repeated the thought to himself in a soft whisper, as though hearing the words more than just thinking them would mean that he wouldn’t feel someone storming in behind him. Or worse, appearing the way they had seemed to when he was younger. He moved to the countertop and picked up a knife to start shaving off some of the good chocolate to melt and make himself, and maybe Priam too, a very nice cup of hot chocolate. That would be good, they could sit together with something sweet, and calm.
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Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2020 5:15 pm
To say Priam was exhausted was an understatement; he wasn't sleeping, almost at all. He could lay there, eyes closed, but sleep didn't come. It was rarely peaceful in his mind, and he tried to busy himself to forget that he couldn't sleep.
The dogs were freaking out, as often as once an hour after the sun went down. He had apologized dozens of times, frantic and begging the animals to just behave. They were guests in this house, and he could feel Sterling and Yu getting fed up with it.
He was on the phone almost constantly, or on the computer trying to find information, to fill out claims, to try and work with the insurance, with the investigation.
If he wasn't awake worrying about an investigation on his mutilated home, or worried that some insurance loophole was going to have him out everything he'd put into it, on top of medical bills, on top of not being able to work, on top of being afraid of kicked out because his dogs couldn't just sleep, or who had done this...
If he wasn't worried about anything on his list, then the nightmares kept him awake.
His eyes burned, from looking at the screen, from staring blankly at papers, from not getting enough rest. He was anxious, checking his phone and email constantly for any potential missed messages. He was like a wraith, hiding behind forced smiles and words of reassurance that he couldn't find the strength to believe in.
He was on his way to get some tea and felt a small bit of relief when he saw Yu's back. He was torn between being afraid of annoying him and being afraid of being alone--or worse, being afraid of being found by someone he did not want to see.
He entered the kitchen with no more sound than that of his socks shuffling across the ground, and the little sigh he made--the noise just before he sucked in a breath the greet Yu.
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Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2020 5:25 pm
Yu didn’t register…anything, till he heard the drawn-in breath. A sound too often associated with a bellow, with a blow.
He spun around, twisting the knife in his hand so that the flat of the blade angled towards his wrist and the edge faced out, ready to catch any strike that was about to rain down on him, stumbling back painfully to jam a kitchen knob into his hip, his gaze… upwards for a moment before registering that he was now…frozen and brandishing a knife on Priam.
He blinked, mind a white blank, a void on which violence had been written, the promise of it having cut the air between them.
“I-I….I….” He stammered, the ridiculousness of the chocolate on the knife doing very little to dull the shock of the moment.
“I-i…I’m…I’m sorry… I- “
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Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2020 6:18 pm
Priam had no idea what he was expecting; his life seemed to be completely out of control, though, and Yu wielding a knife was at the bottom of his list of things he supposed could happen today.
He wasn't so far away from Yu that the knife didn't seem to be a very real threat, and the moment he saw the glint of the blade, it was like everything came crashing down on him. He was just barely holding things together as it were, but every stubbed toe, every paper cut, every tiny blunder, it was more straw.
He was rigid, frozen in cold fear as he stared at the knife. An untold expression had replaced Priam's usual warmness; his jaw clenched in a way that made it very obvious that he had expected to be stabbed in that instant. He had one hand up, palm open and angled as if he were read to use it to stop whatever blow was coming.
The gesture didn't seem random, and the scar that ran across the back of his left hand--a straight line from just below the knuckle of his ring finger that stretched to his wrist--suddenly wasn't so convincingly explained by 'an old biking accident'.
The apology cut through the silence but it took Priam a moment longer before he could will his rigid fingers to curl into a fist, and a few seconds longer before he could force his hand down and to his side.
He was ashen, so pale he almost seemed gray, and couldn't even manage a dismissive smile. He tried, but the corners of his lips barely turned, and despite the apology he couldn't take his eyes off of the blade.
"I startled you," he deduced, because that was the only thing he could think to say. Everything else in his mind was a jumbled mess of thoughts and fears and memories and alarm bells going off, screaming for him to just leave.
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Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2020 6:27 pm
Yu’s gaze went back to the scar… the shape of it traced something more familiar now. All the color ran out of his face, freckles standing out in stark contrast like the ellipsis that had taken over where thoughts should have been. “I wouldn’t… I, I thought…” He tried to back up further, and succeed only in grinding his hip into the knob, which was almost, but not quite grounding. He slowly lowered the knife, fumbling it dangerously onto the counter. “Imsosorry, I wouldn’t…” He tried to slide to one side, away from the knife, away from Priam. Ruined… He’d ruined it. Whatever corner of safety they had made in this home he’d dropped it, breaking it like a glass scattering over the floor. He could to easily imagine another call to the cops, handcuffs, metal bars, satisfied expressions because they’d been right all along. The ash grey of his face… he’d seen it on other faces, but he’d never caused it. Twice now… Twice something terrible had risen and slipped through his fingers. Monster…
you should just die.. He should just…go.
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Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2020 6:59 pm
It wasn't until the knife was gone and nearly out of reach that Priam was allowed to look away from it. Things slowly snapped back into place, and like a magnet picking up loose pins, he felt his thoughts returning to him. His blood was rushing in his ears and he felt cold, sluggish, but the paleness of Yu's face gave him the extra boost of adrenaline he needed to shift out of his haze.
"I'm sorry for startling you."
They weren't so far apart, so he took a hesitant step forward, and then another, hand outstretched and freely offered.
"I was lost in thought." He supposed Yu must have been, too. "Are you all right?"
His voice didn't sound like his own, a biproduct of the blood rushing in his ears and his heart relocating to his throat. He couldn't manage a smile, but it didn't mean he didn't still want the connection he'd sought coming in here.
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Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2020 7:18 pm
“I should go…” The words were very quiet. Earnest…. “ didn’t mean to… to scare you. I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t do that…” He glanced at the hand and back, anxiety an open book on his face. “I-I'm sorry…” and he meant for more than his own contribution. The idea that anyone had given Priam a reason to look so grey… was more terrible than he could imagine. “I was just… making hot…chocolate.” He stammered. More words soured in his mouth. “I didn’t… I wouldn’t ever… I’d never hurt you on purpose.” He forced that out at least. He wished desperately that he hadn’t said ‘on purpose’, because excuses were the meat and bread of too many in his past. I didn’t mean to, look what you made me do“I…I mean…I just wouldn’t!” He’d have edged further away but the belt loop of his pants seemed to have hooked on something. He considered ripping it free.
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Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2020 7:32 pm
"I know," Priam answered, like it was a silly thing to assume anything else. "...You surprised me too, that's all."
Yu was still trying to run, and Priam had neve been so grateful for belt loops and all their inconveniences.
"Please don't go."
Priam sounded tired, worn down. There was a desperation in his voice that he might have been ashamed to hear if the blood wasn't still rushing so loudly in his ears. He wasn't shaking, the standard fear that came from bad experiences had abandoned him. He was just cold. He wasn't deterred when Yu didn't take his hand; he continued to hold it out and then, when he was close enough, let cold fingers brush against Yu's hand.
"...You haven't been sleeping well, have you?" he asked, because he knew. Because he hadn't been sleeping well, and he'd already been worrying about Yu's habits before the dogs had started their nightly ritual of waking everyone up, constantly. "...You have circles under your eyes."
He wasn't one to talk, but at least his glasses cast enough shadow to hide them a bit.
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Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2020 7:47 pm
His gaze danced from Priam to the door and back, biting at his lip. “But I…” He couldn’t find the words again, nothing to meet that plea to not go, grabbed them, and dragged them out in his own plaintive moment. “I scared… you, I could have hurt you if I’d hurt you I…” He stopped the rest, afraid of what he might say. But Priam’s fingers were so cold. “So do you…” He said carefully. “You didn’t… do what I did.” it wasn’t a no, because he hadn’t slept well, worse than normal somehow. His gaze flicked to the hand and back, he wanted to ask… and he didn’t want to know. If he fed anything to the anger and fear, it would be the name of the b*****d who did that… the one who didn’t understand what they had in Priam.
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Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2020 8:00 pm
"I wasn't the one holding the knife," Priam countered, gentle again and reassuring. He wasn't looking at his hand, blind to an old scar that was a part of him; he was looking at Yu's, and he took it, and all of its warmth.
He took another step forward, reaching behind him to unhook the belt loop from the knob.
"It's more than just the dogs. I'm sorry about them. I don't know what's gotten into them." He was partly speaking to fill the silence, partly a distraction. Partly because he meant it and needed to say it as often as he could so Yu and Sterling knew how genuine he was. "...Is this about what's going on with the house, or something else?"
He held his hand but he wanted more. He wanted to feel Yu's arms around him, wanted to just press against him and take all of his warmth, to hide his face until it felt like his own again.
He didn't, because the last thing he wanted was to make Yu feel trapped.
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Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2020 8:13 pm
He glanced away again and back like it's on the edge of too much to look Priam in the eyes, but his own fingers reach, carefully to brush at Priam’s, swallowing hard like he’s afraid that the man will break. It’s foolish, he’s shorter, but he feels like another knife blade, one with legs and teeth and rage. “I…I’ll use the grater next time… for the chocolate,” he murmurs like a further apology. “I, I mean, unless someone’s been an a** to you with a grater.” “Would… it … help if I … what can I do.” How he felt, could be put aside, what Priam was feeling, could not.
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Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2020 8:41 pm
Now, Priam managed a little laugh, and when Yu responded to his touch, he moved closer, now just resting to hug him. His chin was on Yu's shoulder and he breathed, a deep breath. The knife was far away, forgotten.
It was just them. He wrapped his other arm around Yu, loose, so as not to smother him, but close enough that he felt he could breathe again.
"You can hold me for a moment, if you like. If that's not too much to ask for. You're warm." Not hot enough that Priam was worried he had a fever, at least, but he wanted to fuss over it all the same.
"...You could tell me about what's got you so on edge, too. If you'd like. I'm just worried about you. Did something else happen with Ilya?"
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Posted: Sat Dec 05, 2020 9:58 am
He couldn’t tell him, not really… but he could at least say what added to it. He wrapped his arms around Priam and leaned into him. It was strange at times to feel so safe in the arms of someone taller, but he couldn’t bring himself to see Priam as threatening. “I… Nightmares.” He whispered. “… Nightmares, people I…” He took a breath and let it out, bracing himself. If he shared… if they acknowledged some common ground, maybe… “People I lived with, for a while, when I was younger.” He swallowed. “I go to sleep, and I dream about them; I can’t make it stop. I’m so sorry… I wouldn’t hurt you. I don’t know what I’d do if I hurt you.”
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Posted: Sat Dec 05, 2020 10:40 am
Priam just relaxed against him and closed his eyes, breathing a little sigh as calm settled through him once more. He rubbed Yu's back, mindful not to press him into any uncomfortable knobs, or to hit him with his cast.
"I know," he soothed gently. "...It's okay. Accidents happen. I'm sorry for startling you. I startled myself, too, but that's all. I promise, I'm not afraid of you."
He tucked his chin comfortably on Yu's shoulder, training his breathing so his heart could get back to normal.
"I have some over the counter sleeping pills if you ever want to try them. Or I can make you some tea before bed, and read you a good bedtime story. I've had a few dreams that surprise me in the night. It's normal," he said, if only because he didn't want Yu to find some way to convince himself that there was something wrong with him, something broken. "I don't really talk about them, but I've heard that sometimes going over them can reduce their strength. Ah, with everything going on, it wouldn't surprise me if that's making you more stressed even while you try to sleep. We'll have to see if there's something we can do so you can relax. I'll have to start by not sneaking up on you."
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Posted: Sat Dec 05, 2020 1:22 pm
“I shouldn’t have been so surprised, I normally hear you… I was just so…” He sighed and nuzzled against Priam, he always smelled good, his soap, his shampoo or something, something quintessentially him, the way that Sterling smelled like… Sterling. “No Sleeping pills.” He said after a moment, a firmness in his voice. “I don’t… I had them before, they were awful. “I’ll… I’ll find more ways to do things without the knives too, or… like, warn people I’m in the kitchen. Are… you going to be okay.”
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