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ACT I
PROLOGUE

Two graveyards, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, P.A., where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal graves of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their reanimated life;
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their reanimation bury the world in a zombie apocalypse.
This fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,
And the continuance of their ancestor's rage,
Which, but their ancestor's resurrection, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
Which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

SCENE I. Verona, P.A.. A public place.

Enter SAMPSON and GREGORY, of the house of Capulet, armed with shotguns and machetes.

SAMPSON

Gregory, o' my word, we'll not carry coals.

GREGORY

No, for then we should be colliers.

SAMPSON

I mean, an we be in choler, we'll draw.

GREGORY

Ay, while you live, draw your neck out o' the collar.

SAMPSON

I strike quickly, being moved.

GREGORY

But thou art not quickly moved to strike.

SAMPSON

A zombie dog of the house of Montague moves me.

GREGORY

To move is to stir; and to be valiant is to stand:
therefore, if thou art moved, thou runn'st away.

SAMPSON

An undead dog of that house shall move me to stand: I will
take to the wall to escape any zombie dog of Montague's.

GREGORY

That shows thee a weak slave; for the weakest goes
to the wall.

SAMPSON

True; and therefore women, being the weaker vessels,
are ever bumped to the top of the wall: therefore I will push
Montague's men from the wall, and ask his maids
if they want to bump into the wall again.
-Sampson turns to the audience.-
SEXUALLY.

GREGORY

Wow. Guess we're just opening with casual misogyny early, then.
Compensating, are thee Sampson? Enough.
The quarrel is between our masters and us their men.

SAMPSON

'Tis all one, I will show myself a tyrant: when I
have fought with the men, I will be cruel with the
maids, and cut off their heads.

GREGORY

The heads of the maids?

SAMPSON

Ay, the heads of the maids, or their maidenheads;
take it in what sense thou wilt.

GREGORY

Okay, stop. No. I'm reporting you to the Voodoo Witchdoctor
That friend of the President's, as soon as we return.

SAMPSON

Me they shall feel while I am able to stand: and
'tis known I am a pretty piece of flesh.

GREGORY

Draw thy tool!

SAMPSON immediately begins undoing his belt

What? No, you bigoted idiot! Here comes
two of the house of the Montagues.

SAMPSON

My naked weapon is out: quarrel, I will back thee.

GREGORY

Put your pants back on, dumbass!

SAMPSON

Fear me not.

GREGORY

No, marry; I fear thee!

SAMPSON

Let us take the law on our sides; let them begin.

GREGORY

The law abandoned our side, the moment
thou embraced public indecency. Still.
I will frown as I pass by, and let them take it as
they list.

SAMPSON

Nay, as they dare. I will pelvic thrust at them;
which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.

Enter ABRAHAM and BALTHASAR

ABRAHAM

Do you pelvic thrust at us, sir?

SAMPSON

I thrust indeed, sir.

ABRAHAM

Do you pelvic thrust at us, sir?

SAMPSON

[Aside to GREGORY] Is the law of our side, if I say
ay?

GREGORY

[emphatically] No.

SAMPSON

No, sir, I do not pelvic thrust at you, sir, but I
pelvic thrust, sir.

GREGORY

Do you quarrel, sir?

ABRAHAM

Quarrel sir! no, sir.
Not with Chip n' Dale dancers, at least.

SAMPSON

If you do, sir, I am for you: I serve as good a man as you.

ABRAHAM

I'm sure you service lots of men. I wasn't asking.

SAMPSON

W-well, sir, that's not, I didn't say-.

GREGORY

Say nothing. Honestly, you'll embarrass yourself less that way.
Now, here comes one of my master's kinsmen.

SAMPSON

More like kinswoman, am I right Gregory?

ABRAHAM

You lie.

SAMPSON

Draw, if you be men. Gregory, remember thy swashing blow.

They fight

Enter BENVOLIO

BENVOLIO

Part, fools!
Put up your machetes; you know not what you do.

Beats down their machetes

Enter TYBALT

TYBALT

What, art thou drawn among these heartless hinds?
Turn thee, Benvolio, look upon thy death.

BENVOLIO

I do but keep the peace: put up thy shotgun,
Or manage it to part these Witchdoctor's servants with me.

TYBALT

What, drawn, and talk of peace! I hate the word,
As I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee:
Have at thee, coward!

They fight

Enter, several of both houses, who join the fray; then enter Citizens, with clubs

First Citizen

Clubs, bills, and partisans! strike! beat them down!
Down with the living dead of the Capulets!
Down with the zombie horde of the Montagues!

Enter CAPULET in his gown, and LADY CAPULET

CAPULET

What noise is this? Give me my baseball bat, ho!

LADY CAPULET

A crutch, a crutch! why call you for a baseball bat?

CAPULET

My baseball bat, I say! The Old Montague Horde is come,
And flourishes their hungry maws in spite of me.

Enter MONTAGUE and LADY MONTAGUE

MONTAGUE

Thou villain Capulet,--Hold me not, let me go.

LADY MONTAGUE

Thou shalt not stir a foot to seek a foe.

MONTAGUE

That's my daughter in there! I-
No, Lady I said hold me back.
That's my daughter in- You're terrible at this.

LADY MONTAGUE

Loudly sighs.

Enter THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, and THE VOODOO WITCHDOCTOR with Attendants

PRESIDENT

Rebellious subjects, enemies to peace,
Profaners of this neighbour-stained steel,--
Will they not hear? What, ho! you men, you beasts,
That quench the fire of your pernicious rage
With purple fountains issuing from your veins,
On pain of torture, from those bloody hands
Throw your mistemper'd weapons to the ground,
And hear the sentence of your moved president.
Three civil brawls, bred of an airy word,
By thee, old Capulet, and Montague,
Have thrice disturb'd the quiet of our streets,
And made America's ancient citizens
Cast by their grave beseeming ornaments,
To wield with hands canker'd by peace,
Old voodoo spells and viruses that resurrect alike,
To part your canker'd hate.
For the sake of my old friend, the Voodoo Withdoctor of Verona,
who hath resurrected my wife once before,
I overlooked your growing, rival hordes; but no more.
If ever you disturb our streets again,
Your second lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace.
For this time, all the rest depart away:
You Capulet; shall go along with me:
And, Montague, come you this afternoon,
To know our further pleasure in this case,
To old Free-town U.S.A., our common judgment-place.
Once more, on pain of death, I order all men depart!

Exeunt all but MONTAGUE, LADY MONTAGUE, and BENVOLIO

MONTAGUE

Who set this ancient quarrel new abroach?
Do they not know our horde, though large,
is mindless and lacks the Witchdoctor's favor,
while Capulet, supplicant to the good Witch,
is armed with semi-intelligent undead?
And the President, who there goes,
has formed a unit of Inquisitors to purge all undead,
who do not serve the Witchdoctor's good graces.
Speak, zombie nephew of the original Lord Montague from Italy,
not to be confused with me, an American descendant of the Montague,
were you by when it began?

BENVOLIO

Here were the servants of your adversary,
And yours, close fighting ere I did approach:
I drew to part them: in the instant came
The fiery Inquisitor Tybalt, with his shotgun prepared,
Which, as he breathed defiance to my ears,
He swung about his head and cut the winds,
Who nothing hurt withal hiss'd him in scorn:
While we were interchanging cool a** gunkata moves,
Came more and more and fought on part and part,
Till the president came, who parted either part.

LADY MONTAGUE

O, where is Zombie Romeo? saw you him to-day?
Right glad I am he was not at this fray.
Our ancestor's son who we resurrected,
with viruses given extra care so that he might lead,
our undead host.

BENVOLIO

Madam, an hour before the cloud-covered sun
Peer'd forth the blurry grey window of the east,
A troubled mind drave me to walk abroad;
Where, underneath the grove of sycamore
That westward rooteth from Montague Prison's sidee,
So early walking did I see your experiment:
Towards him I made, since he should be locked up,
But he was ware of me
And stole into the covert of the wood:
I, measuring his affection against my own,
And realizing that most are busy when they're most alone,
Pursued my humour by not pursuing his,
And gladly shunn'd who gladly fled from me.

MONTAGUE

Many a morning hath he there been seen,
with his zombie virus augmenting the local foliage and wildlife.
Adding to our company's experiments more experiments
With his deep bites.
It helps not that he should be inside the prison,
where the Voodoo Witchdoctor locked him for our safety,
But all so soon as the all-cheering sun
Should in the furthest east begin to draw
The shady curtains from Aurora's bed,
Away from the light steals home my heavy zombie son,
And private in his chamber pens himself,
Shuts up his windows, locks far daylight out
And makes himself an artificial night:
Black and portentous must this humour prove,
Unless good counsel may the cause remove.

BENVOLIO

My noble uncle's descendant, do you know the cause?

MONTAGUE

I neither know it nor can learn of him.

BENVOLIO

Have you importuned him by any means?

MONTAGUE

Both by myself and many other friends:
But he, his own affections' counsellor,
Is to himself--I will not say how true--
But to himself so secret and so close,
So far from sounding and discovery,
that oft he seems as if we did not revive him,
and that the virus might leave him again at any time.
Could we but learn from whence his sorrows grow.
We would as willingly give cure as know.
Cure to his sorrow, I mean. There's no way we'll undo,
zombification, for our bioweapons research depends upon it.

Enter JULIET

BENVOLIO

Oh look, here comes the Witchdoctor's greatest gift to Capulet:
Juliet who's been resurrected to serve as the Witchdoctor's,
personal Assistant and leader of his cult.
Not to be confused with zombies! These are very different things.
I suspect she'll know about her former life's love,
So please you, step aside;
I'll know his grievance, or be much denied.

MONTAGUE

Ugh, and now we have to see her? What a day.
Forget this. Come, madam, let's away.

Exeunt MONTAGUE and LADY MONTAGUE

BENVOLIO

Good-morrow, my dead cousin's resurrected italian zombie wife.
A relationship I'm totally naturally bringing up now,
for no reason in particular. Wink at the audience.

Benvolio winks at the audience

JULIET

Is the day so young?

BENVOLIO

But new struck nine.

JULIET

Ay me! sad hours seem long.
Was that my father-in-law's descendant that went hence so fast?

BENVOLIO

It was. What sadness lengthens Juliet's hours?

JULIET

Not having that, which, having, makes the hours short.

BENVOLIO

You mean love, right? I did this shtick with Romeo before.

JULIET

Out--

BENVOLIO

-field?

JULIET

What?

BENVOLIO

The Outfield. They wrote the song Your Love.
I'm guessing you don't wanna lose their love tonight~?

JULIET

You're really undercutting what I was about to say there, d**k.
But yes, I am out of his favour, where I am in love.

BENVOLIO

Alas, that love, so gentle in his view,
Should be so tyrannous and rough in proof!

JULIET

Alas, that love, whose view is muffled still,
Should, without eyes, see pathways to his will!
Where shall we dine? O me! What fray was here?
Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all.
Here's much to do with hate, but more with love.
Why, then, O brawling love! O loving hate!
O any thing, of nothing first create!
O heavy lightness! serious vanity!
Mis-shapen chaos of well-seeming forms!
Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire,
sick health!
Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is!
This love feel I, that feel no love in this.
Dost thou not laugh?

BENVOLIO

No, 'cause, I'd rather weep.

JULIET

Good heart, at what?

BENVOLIO

At thy good heart's oppression.

JULIET

Why, such is love's transgression.
Grief of mine own devising lie heavy in my breast,
Which thou wilt propagate, having pressed it.
With more of thine: this love that thou hast shown
Doth add more grief to too much of mine own.
Love is a con, an odious lie;
I lived it once, but it was purged from me, when once I did die;
Now I am vexed by a lover's tears;
The President's wife, though revived, hides a madness most discreet,
A choking gall against her own, those revived by magic,
and pays the Inquisitors well to find excuses to stamp us out.
Alack, I wonder how I'd feel, if Romeo were revived,
and here with me now? Would my soul, purged of emotion,
feel an ounce again?
Farewell, my coz.

BENVOLIO

Soft! I will go along;
An if you leave me so, you do me wrong.

JULIET

Tut, I have lost myself; I am not here;
This is not Juliet, but merely the Witchdoctor's Assistant.
Juliet, she's some other where.

BENVOLIO

I sense there is more.
Tell me in sadness, who is that you love.

JULIET

What, shall I groan and tell thee?

BENVOLIO

You know, you make it really hard to be your friend sometimes.
Has anyone ever told you that?

JULIET

Bid a sick woman in sadness make her will:
Ah, word ill urged to one that is so ill!
In sadness, Romeo's cousin, I do love a new man.

BENVOLIO

I aim'd so near, when I supposed you loved.

JULIET

A right good mark-man! And he's fair I love.

BENVOLIO

A right fair mark, fair coz, is soonest hit.
But you love? Then it is not old Romeo,
of whom you think?

JULIET

Well, in that hit you miss: he'll not be hit
With Cupid's arrow; since Romeo is long dead;
I thought to love another, one revived like us, and well arm'd;
From love's weak childish bow he lives unharm'd.
He will not stay the siege of loving terms,
And be bound to any of the women, who for him yearns,
No hope have we, even offering saint-seducing gold:
O, he is rich in beauty, and only poor,
in the desire to go home and be a family man.

BENVOLIO

Then he hath sworn that he will not be monogamous?
Wait, I think I know who you're talking about.

JULIET

He hath, and in that daring makes huge waste,
For beauty starved with her severity
Cuts beauty off from all posterity.
It means if he won't make babies,
then his good looks won't be passed on.
It's real eugenics-y, I know.
But these are the things you think about
when pining over forbidden love, man!
He is too fair, too wise, wisely too fair,
To merit bliss while making me despair:
He hath forsworn to love, and in that vow
Do I live dead that live to tell it now.

BENVOLIO

Be ruled by me, forget to think of him.

JULIET

O, teach me how I should forget to think.

BENVOLIO

By giving liberty unto thine eyes;
Examine other beauties.
Maybe, y'know, ones who are uh...a little bit closer.
Maybe a real nice friend who's close to you right now?

JULIET

Benvolio, you know, you're a great friend. Just great.
But dating's requires a totally different sort of chemistry.

BENVOLIO

No, I get it. It's fine. Anyway, you were saying?

JULIET

To call him exquisite, fresh memories beget;
She that is strucken blind cannot forget
The precious treasure of her eyesight lost:
Show me a himbo that is passing fair,
What doth his beauty serve, but as a note
to remind me of that hotter guy's passing fair?
Farewell: thou canst not teach me to forget.

BENVOLIO

I'll pay that doctrine, or else die in debt.

Exeunt

SCENE II. A street.

Enter CAPULET, VOODOO WITCHDOCTOR, and Servant

CAPULET

But Montague is bound as well as I,
In penalty alike; and 'tis not hard, I think,
For men so old as we to keep the peace.

WITCHDOCTOR

Of honourable reckoning are you both;
And pity 'tis you lived at odds so long.
But now, my lord, what say you to my suit?

CAPULET

But saying o'er what I have said before:
My adopted undead daughter is yet a stranger in the modern world;
She hath not seen the change of fourteen modern years,
Let two more summers wither in their pride,
Ere we may think her ripe to be a bride.

WITCHDOCTOR

Paris has paid me a handsome price if I'll make the arrangement.
And I would delight if my resurrected Assistant,
profaned the miracle of life by creating newer, more distorted life.
Younger than she are happy mothers made.

CAPULET

And too soon marr'd are those so early made.
The earth hath swallow'd all my hopes but she,
'Tis why I asked you to revive ancient Juliet to be my new heir.
She is the hopeful lady of my earth:
But order her, my lord Witchdoctor, demand she give her heart,
My will to her consent is but a part;
And if she agree, within her scope of choice
Then our evil ritual to open the gates of the underworld,
shall be brought to fruition by her voice.
This night I hold an old accustom'd feast,
Whereto I have invited many a guest,
Such as I love; and you, first among the store,
Are most welcome to make my number more.
At my poor house look to behold this night
Falling stars that make dark heaven light:
tonight the passing comet shall mark the ritual,
as the President and our order offer blood as is habitual.
He shall, like us, swear our fealty to you once again!
And shout to the heavens, praise our lord Sat-!

SERVANT

Ahem.

CAPULET

coughs
[To Servant, giving a paper]

Go, sirrah, trudge about
Through fair Verona; find those persons out
Whose names are written there, and to them say,
My house and welcome on their pleasure stay.

Exeunt CAPULET and WITCHDOCTOR

Servant

Find them out whose names are written here! It is
written, that the advertiser should meddle with his
lobbiest money, and the lobbiest with his klan rally,
the klansman best friend of a republic senator with
his stacks of money, and the billionaire with his advertisement scripts;
but I am sent to find those persons whose names are here
writ, and can never find what names the writing
person hath here writ.
I must to the redneck southern representatives.--In good time.

Enter BENVOLIO and JULIET

BENVOLIO

Tut, woman, one fire burns out another's burning,
One pain is lessen'd by another's anguish;
Turn giddy, and be holp by backward turning;
One desperate grief cures with another's languish:
Take thou some new infection to thy eye,
And the rank poison of the old will die.

JULIET

Your plaintain-leaf is excellent for that.

BENVOLIO

For what, I pray thee?

JULIET

For your broken shin.

BENVOLIO

Why, Juliet, art thou mad?

JULIET

Ya damn right I'm mad!
I'm bound more than a mad-man is;
Shut up in the Witchdoctor's laboratory,
which mind as well be a prison, kept without my food,
Whipp'd and tormented and--God-den, good fellow.

Servant

God gi' god-den. I pray, ma'am, can you read?

JULIET

I'd be a pretty crappy lab assistant if I couldn't.

Servant

The Witchdoctor practiceth magic and so,
Perhaps you have learned it without book: but, I
pray, can you read anything you see?

JULIET

Ay, if I know the letters and the language.

Servant

Ye say honestly: rest you merry!

JULIET

Oh wow, this letter's in old Italian. That's convenient.
Stay, fellow; I can read.

Reads
'Signior Jebbediah and his wife and daughters;
County Dale and his beauteous sisters; the lady
widow of Nashville Tennessee; Signior Earl and his lovely
nieces; Mercutio and his brother Valentine; mine
adopted uncle Capulet, his wife and daughters; my fair niece
Rosaline, honestly she's like a 4 out of 10;
Beau; Signior Chevy and his cousin
Tybalt, Ford and the lively Grand Cherokee.' A fair
assembly: whither should they come?

Servant

Up.

JULIET

Whither?

Servant

To the courtyard outside Montague Prison,
to rub the family's good fortune in our hated rival's faces.

JULIET

Whose rival?

Servant

My master's.

JULIET

Has anyone ever told you that you are insufferable?
I'll only ask one more time. Who's your master?

Servant

Now I'll tell you without asking: my master is the
great rich Capulet; and if you be not of the house
of Montagues, I pray, come and crush a cup of wine.
We'll protest their zombie program and get smashed alike!
Rest you merry!

Exit

BENVOLIO

At this same ancient feast of Capulet's
Sups the fair Mercutio whom thou so lovest,
With all the admired beauties of Verona:
Go thither; and, with unattainted eye,
Compare his face with some that I shall show,
And I will make thee think thy swan a crow.

JULIET

When the devout religion of mine eye
Maintains such falsehood, then turn tears to fires;
And these, who often drown'd could never die,
Transparent heretics, be burnt you liars!
One fairer than my love! the all-seeing sun
Ne'er saw his match ever since the world first begun.

BENVOLIO

Tut, you saw him fair, none else being by,
He so posed when by himself knowing he'd catch your wandering eye:
Mercutio is a notorious playboy, and so you've been played.
But in that crystal scales let there be weigh'd
Your Mercutio's love against some other sexy, sexy man
That I will show you shining at this feast,
And he shall show poorly he whom you think shows best.

JULIET

I'll go along, no such sight to be shown,
If just to dunk on you Benvolio.
Seriously man, you're always so jealous of Mercutio
Just admit you're not his equal already. Dude's a hunk.

Exeunt

SCENE III. A room in Montague Prison

Enter LADY MONTAGUE and the Warden of Montague Prison

LADY MONTAGUE

Warden, where is subject 001? call him forth to me.

Warden

Now, by my axehead,
the zombie slaying weapon the order bestowed upon me at twelve years old,
I bade him come. What, lamb! what, meat!
God forbid! Where's this freaking zed? Romeo, get your a** out here!

Enter ROMEO

ROMEO

How now! who calls?

Warden

Your mother.

ROMEO

Starting off the day with yo' mama jokes.
Real classy Warden, you know, I can see why everybody here
loves ya so much.

The Warden slams her nightstick against the bars

Warden

Shut up! You're the only zed in here with half a brain!
Otherwise do you think I'd waste my time with your sorry-

LADY MONTAGUE

This is the matter:--Warden, give leave awhile,
We must talk in secret:--Warden, come back again;
I have remember'd me, thou's hear our counsel.
Thou know'st how slippery our adopted son can be,
and may save me from a bite if he attacks.

Warden

Careful now, he will bite.
I've already lost a couple guards to this feral arse.

LADY MONTAGUE

He's not feral.

Warden

I'll lay fourteen severed heads--
And yet, to my zed kills be it spoken, I have but four--
He isn't feral. You should see him when we let him out in the yard,
or the ferocity at feeding time. How long is it now
To the full moon?

LADY MONTAGUE

You feed them? With what?
Oh gawd, it's not people is it? You know what, don't answer that.
It's my husband's business, I shouldn't ask.

Warden

Even or odd, of all days in the year,
Come the full moon he shall feed uncontrollably.
Warden Susan and he--may the Grey Force enshroud our souls!--
entered this prison in the same age: well, Susan is with the Grey now;
She was too good to the Zeds, and they feasted on her
during that first Full Moon: but, as I said,
'Tis since the first outbreak of the virus now eleven years;
And he was wean'd,--I never shall forget it,--
Off of human meat, and hid in this prison
to hide all Montague involvement in the Raccoon City incident:
That outbreak was when we zombie hunters formed,
and the President promised the people peace,
while secretly settling Capulet and Montague both
in this new Verona, in secret.
In this prison, you Montagues work night and day,
to replicate Romeo's human like faculties in other Zeds,
but to no avail. And I, the Warden, clean up your mess
And am to eliminate your family if you go too far.
Such are the Witchdoctor's orders, though he is our boss,
but also our most hated enemy. If only he'd transgress,
that I had the law on my side to execute him now!

LADY MONTAGUE

Enough of this; I pray thee, hold thy peace.
If the Witchdoctor should hear, our research would be finished!

Warden

Yes, madam: yet I cannot choose but laugh,
at the irony. The Capulets think all zeds are mindless,
yet Romeo within remembers words and letters all.
You pay me well to keep the secret, but still I say,
'tis worth a laugh that he can speak and spell.

ROMEO

I do wish you'd stop beating me with that nightstick.
Seriously, I'm a zombie, but I feel like it's still prison abuse
all the same.

Warden

Shut up, inmate! I'll visit thee again,
once the lady's business here is done!

LADY MONTAGUE

Marry, that 'marry' is the very theme
I came to talk of. Tell me, my son Romeo,
How stands your disposition to be vivisected for science?

ROMEO

It is an honour that I dream not of.

Warden

An honour! were not my coworker's blood
still staining your hands, lo, I'd believe you understood honor.

LADY MONTAGUE

Well, think of sacrifice now; younger than you,
Here in Verona, men of esteem,
were injected with the virus for our research: by my count,
I was your creator when I first dug your body from its grave,
and gave you the virus which instilled life.
My husband and I crafted it, but only you have been a success,
and we theorize your death would cull our whole herd at once.
That risk hath stayed our hand, but no more.
If we cannot dissect you, our research shall remain at an impasse,
and you shall stay behind these bars forever.

Warden

A success! My lady, perhaps your ears are filled with wax.
He EATS people, every FULL MOON.

LADY MONTAGUE

Verona's summer hath not such a flower.

Warden

Nay, he's a flower; a man eating, flesh gorging flower.

LADY MONTAGUE

What say you? can you play the gentleman?
This night you shall behold the Witchdoctor outside our prison;
Read o'er the volume of the Witchdoctor's face,
And see how he scorns the Montague and embrace Capulet's protests;
Examine every emaciated cheekbone,
And see how milky white eyes look past this world,
to the realm of the spirits.
Help us earn his favor, no! The favor of the president,
and the legend of Zombie Romeo shall be
no less than that of Romeo of old!

Warden

No less! nay, bigger; your legend shall prove science
is stronger than their janky magic.

LADY MONTAGUE

Speak briefly, can you sacrifice yourself for our research?

ROMEO

I'll look to hate, if your nemesis outside my cell does show;
But no more deep will I endart mine eye
Than your demands gives strength to make it fly.

Enter a Prison Guard

Prison Guard

Madam, the protestors are come,
Capulet demands the research end as he is wont to do.
The infected cleared from the courtyard, and guards at their post,
we await your orders for further action.

Warden

The Warden pumps her shotgun

Let's get down to business.

Exit Servant
Romeo, the prisoner stays.

Warden

I'm warning you. Don't break out of your cell tonight, or else!

Exeunt

SCENE IV. A street.

Enter JULIET, MERCUTIO, BENVOLIO, with five or six anti-Maskers, Torch-bearers, and others

JULIET

What, shall this speech be spoke for our excuse?
Or shall we on without a apology?

BENVOLIO

The Witchdoctor knows not
that you've left his lab for the evening, correct?
Then we shall not announce ourselves,
but mingle with the crowd instead, and away
a'fore prying eyes identify our four hundred year old mistress.

JULIET

Give me a torch: I am not for this ambling;
Being but heavy, I will bear the light.

MERCUTIO

Nay, gentle Juliet, we must have you dance.

JULIET

Not I, believe me: you have dancing shoes
With nimble soles: I have a soul of lead
That so stakes me to the ground so I cannot
escape Verona, the Witchdoctor's lair.

MERCUTIO

You are a lover; borrow Cupid's wings,
And soar with them above a common bound.

JULIET

I am too sore enpierced with the Witchdoctor's curse
To soar with light feathers, and so bound,
I cannot bound across the pitch or above dull woe:
Under the Hex's heavy burden do I sink.

MERCUTIO

Ah, to sink in it, you prove me right about the burden of love;
Too great at oppression is commitment, for we are but tender things.

JULIET

No, no! Love is a tender thing. It is not too rough,
Too rude, too boisterous, and only pricks at you who think like that.

MERCUTIO

If love be rough with you, be rough with love;
p***k love for pricking, and beat love down.
Give me a rack to hang my coat on:
A night for a night! what care I
What curious eye doth roam for me in the morn?
I shall not be tied down, and each night shall find a place anew
to rest my head.

BENVOLIO

Enough Mercutio!
Come, don thy mask and enter; and no sooner in,
Let each of us betake to our dancing legs.

JULIET

A torch for me: let wanton rituals
Tickle the senses of all the guests within,
For I am overcome with a grandiose lament;
I'll stand aside a cursed soul, and look on.
The game was ne'er fair, and so I am done.

MERCUTIO

Tut, dun's the mouse, the constable's own word:
If thou art dun, we'll draw thee from the mire
Of this sir-reverence love, wherein thou stick'st
Up to the ears. Come, we burn daylight, ho!

JULIET

Nay, that's not so.

MERCUTIO

I mean, ma'am, in delay
We waste our lights in vain, like lamps by day.
Take our good meaning, for our judgment sits
Five times in that ere once in our five wits.

JULIET

And we mean well in going to this mask;
But 'tis no sign of wit to go.

MERCUTIO

Why, may one ask?

JULIET

I dream'd a dream to-night.

MERCUTIO

And so did I.

JULIET

Well, what was yours?

MERCUTIO

That dreamers often lie.

JULIET

In bed asleep, while they do dream things true.

MERCUTIO

O, then, I see the comet passing on high,
which tonight grants this ritual purpose.
If two undead, which Verona has in great number,
should find love again,
then all the guests may meet their end,
and the outbreak swarm over all.
For this reason, the Capulets doth give
the Montague not a moment's rest,
and the Witchdoctor who acts blithe to the affair,
schemes in secret with the President to keep
us all at odds. For he, the doctor,
wishes to maintain control.
And the President, his dearest friend,
needs keep us in check and his ties hidden,
lest he lose out in reelection.

JULIET

Peace, peace, Mercutio, peace!
Thou talk'st of nothing.

MERCUTIO

True, I talk of dreams,
Which are the children of an idle brain,
Begot of nothing but vain fantasy,
Which is as thin of substance as the air
And more inconstant than the wind, who wooes
Even now the frozen bosom of the north,
And, being anger'd, puffs away from thence,
Turning his face to the dew-dropping south.
All I said was mere product of the mind,
paranoia grown from what I know, taken
root and given to endless drivel.

BENVOLIO

This wind, you talk of, blows us from ourselves;
Supper is done, and we shall come too late.

JULIET

I fear, too early: for my mind misgives
Some consequence yet hanging in the stars
Shall bitterly begin his fearful date
With this night's revels and expire the term
Of a despised life closed in my breast
By some vile forfeit of untimely death.
But He, that hath the steerage of my course,
Direct my sail! On, lusty gentlemen.

BENVOLIO

She means you, Mercutio.

Exeunt

SCENE V. A gathering before Montague Prison

Musicians waiting. Enter Servingmen with napkins

First Servant

Where's Potpan, that he does not help to take dishes away? He
shift a trencher? What does shifting a trencher even mean? Speak English!

Second Servant

When good manners shall lie all in one or two men's
hands, and those hands lay unwashed too, 'tis a foul thing.

First Servant

Away with the plastic cups, remove the
paper plates, look to the beer keg. Good thou, save
me a piece of good ol' fashion applie pie; and, as thou lovest me, tell
the porter to let in Susan Grindstone and Nell.
Antony, and Potpan!

Second Servant

Ay, boy, ready.

First Servant

You are looked for and called for, asked for and
sought for, in the great chamber.

Second Servant

We cannot be here and there too. Cheerly, boys; be
brisk awhile, and the longer liver take all.

Enter CAPULET, with LADY CAPULET and others of his house, meeting the Guests and anti-Maskers

CAPULET

Welcome, gentlemen! ladies that have their toes
Unplagued with corns will have a bout with you.
Ah ha, my mistresses! which of you all
Will now deny to dance? she that makes dainty,
She, I'll swear, hath corns; am I come near ye now?
Welcome, gentlemen! I have seen the day
That I have worn a visor and could tell
A whispering tale in a fair lady's ear,
Such as would please: 'tis gone, 'tis gone, 'tis gone:
You are welcome, gentlemen! come, musicians, play.
A hall, a hall! give room! and foot it, girls.

[Music plays, and they dance]
More light, you knaves; and turn the tables up,
And quench the bonfire, the smores have grown too hot.
Ah, sirrah, this unlook'd-for sport comes well.
Nay, sit, nay, sit, good cousin Capulet;
For you and I are past our dancing days:
How long is't now since last yourself and I
Were in a mask?

Second Capulet

Before 2020, that's for sure. And it weren't one of these
frilly 'stop transmitting diseases' masks, either.
It was a good old fashion ski mask, with the implication
of murder and all.

CAPULET

What, man! 'tis not such a big deal, 'tis not such:
'Tis since the president said not to wear masks,
and that drinking bleach would cure the zombie virus.
Back during the oubreak

Second Capulet

'Tis more, 'tis more, when the people didn't wear masks,
that led to the last outbreak of the virus, remember?

CAPULET

Will you tell me that?
I thought we blamed that all on the Montagues.

JULIET

[To a Servingman] What zombie is that, which doth
engobble a human hand,
In yonder prison window?

Servant

I know not, sir.

JULIET

O, he doth teach the torches to burn bright!
It seems he hangs upon the cheek of night
Like a rich jewel in an Ethiope's ear;
Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear!
So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows,
As yonder man o'er his fellows shows.
The measure done, I'll watch his place of stand,
And, touching him, make blessed my rude hand.
Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight!
For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.

TYBALT

That, by his look, should be a Montague.
Fetch me my shotgun, boy. What dares the zed
Come hither, hidden only by window's shadow,
To sneer and scorn at our completely legitimate, legal protest?
Now, by the stock and honour of my kin,
To strike him dead, I hold it not a sin.

CAPULET

Why, how now, kinsman! wherefore storm you so?

TYBALT

Uncle, that is a Montague, our foe,
A villain that lingers hither in spite,
To scorn at our solemnity this night.

CAPULET

Young Romeo is it?
Be not fooled, Tybalt. Though he appears human in silhouette,
that window begets a cell, and its occupant therefore
a most fearsome zombie.

TYBALT

'Tis he then, that villain Romeo.

CAPULET

Content thee, gentle coz, let him alone;
He is locked up and Juliet knows not of his existence;
And, to say truth, Verona brags of him
To be a virtuous and well-govern'd undead:
I would not for the wealth of all the town
Here on the Montague's property do him disparagement:
Therefore be patient, take no note of him:
It is my will, the which if thou respect,
Show a fair presence and put off these frowns,
And ill-beseeming semblance for a feast.

TYBALT

It fits, when such a villain lives on in undeath:
I'll not endure him.

CAPULET

He shall be endured:
What, goodman boy! I say, he shall: go to;
Am I the master here, or you? go to.
You'll not endure him! God shall mend my soul!
You'll make a mutiny among my guests!
You will set a riot about us! you'll be the man!

TYBALT

Why, uncle, 'tis a shame.

CAPULET

Go to, go to;
You are a saucy boy: is't so, indeed?
This trick may chance to scathe you, I know what:
You must contrary me! marry, 'tis time.
But tonight you undead hunters have no power,
for none have committed wrong, or intend to do so.
I'll make you quiet. What, cheery now, go!

TYBALT

Patience tested at this meeting,
I shall not forget this insulting greeting.
I will withdraw: but this intrusion shall
Now seeming sweet, soon convert to bitter gall.

Exit

Juliet sneaks her way into the Prison, approaching the cell she watched from below

ROMEO

[To JULIET] If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

JULIET

Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For hands to tell of a zombie's rotten touch,
yet your hands are soft, and though cold, still feel like life so much.

ROMEO

Have not zombies lips, and fleshy palms too?

JULIET

These words!

Juliet holds a light up, revealing Romeo's face in the dark for the first time. She gasps.

My love, you live!

ROMEO

Juliet!? O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;
They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.

JULIET

Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.

ROMEO

Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.
Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.

JULIET

Then have my lips the sin that they have took.

ROMEO

Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again.

JULIET

You kiss by the book.

Warden

What the HELL is going on here!? Juliet, is that you? You can't be in here, your Master calls for you.

ROMEO

What is her master?

Warden

Marry, prisoner scum,
Her master is the master of undeath,
And the lord of all Verona, and a coldhearted blackguard
who manipulates both Montague and Capulet now
I serve him begrudgingly, that you nearly killed in your first rampage;
I tell you, he that can lay hand on him
Shall have the world on its knees.

ROMEO

Is he the Voodoo Witchdoctor? He who sides with Capulet?
O dear account! my life is my foe's debt.

BENVOLIO

Away, begone; the sport is at the best.

JULIET

Ay, so I fear; the more is my unrest.

CAPULET

Nay, gentlepersons, prepare not to be gone;
We have seen you here since long ago, Juliet.
Yet where did you wander just now? Nevermind,
Why, then, I thank you all
I thank you, honest guests; good night.
More torches here! Come on then, let's get you back to the Witchdoctor.
He'll have our heads, if he finds you were about at night.
Ah, sirrah, by my fay, it waxes late:
I'll to my rest.

Exeunt all but JULIET and Warden

JULIET

Come hither, Warden. What is yond gentleman?

Warden

The son of Montague's ancestor, a zed with uncharacteristic intelligence, though unstable.

JULIET

How came he to this prison?

Warden

In secret, the Montague raided their own crypts.
What once was lifeless flesh became feral,
and what was feral became full of life.
But 'fore that, he created an outbreak that swept across
America, terrorizing towns and earning the President
his election for his swift, nuclear response.

JULIET

Why did no one tell me he was here?
Such an intelligent bag of bones.

Warden

Because he ******** eats people.
Also, I mean, you're Juliet right?
We all know about you two.
And nobody wants a zombie romance story,
between a living puppet of the Witchdoctor,
and that reanimated corpse, your mortal enemy.
How far would love go, to reach one another again
even in death?
Tag line! Dun dun~

JULIET

Go ask his name: if he be married.
My grave is like to be my wedding bed.

Warden

I already told you!
His name is Romeo, yes THAT Romeo,
and a Montague. And just like you,
his captors have no children. That makes him
The only adopted son of your great enemy.

JULIET

My only love sprung from my only hate!
Again!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
Seriously, again!
What tremendous twist of fate,
and proof of eternal love it is to me,
That I must love, once more,
someone the Capulets consider a loathed enemy.

Warden

Wait. No. No no no no.
You're ACTUALLY doing this again?
He's not even alive! You do understand that, right?

JULIET

Yes, my dead husband is a snarling reanimated corpse,
and nobody ******** told me about that!
Yes I understand, and I'm very. Very! Upset right now.
DON'T MAKE ME SHOUT LOUDER.

One calls within 'Juliet.'

Warden

Holy whatever. Fine, Let's just get out of here.
It's not my job to untangle this mess you undead scum.
Anon, anon!
Come, let's away; the strangers all are gone.

Exeunt

Romeo and Juliet 2: Juliet Strikes Back!!!
Cast List

- Juliet Zombie - Nix Gallen -

- Romeo Zombie - Zeo Kirijo -








- Mercutio Zombie - Soji Seta -

- Benvolio Zombie - Rednal Ak'Thias -








- Digger Laurence - Aleister Crowley -

- Tybalt - Leonardo Mori -








- The Warden - Minori Koroko -

- The Voodoo Witchdoctor - Amagai Genji -


(Any additional/extra roles played by Jeeves)

ACT III
SCENE I. A public place.

Enter MERCUTIO, BENVOLIO, Page, and Servants

BENVOLIO
I pray thee, good Mercutio, let's retire:
The day is hot, the Voodoo Witchdoctor’s servants abroad,
And, if we meet, we shall not scape a brawl;
For on hot days, doth the mad blood stir.
T’was but a fore’ night, since the prison scape.

MERCUTIO
Thou art like one of those fellows that when he
enters the confines of a hospital announces thus
“Here stands a zombie, but I mean no plague!”
and by the operation of the first MRI,
starts biting e’ery body, when indeed there is no need.

BENVOLIO
Am I like such a fellow?

MERCUTIO
Come, come, thou art as hungry a Zed as
any in the Witchdoctor’s Domain,
and as soon moved to be moody,
and as soon moody to be moved.

BENVOLIO
And what to?

MERCUTIO
Nay, an there were two such, we should have none
shortly, for one would eat the other. Thou! why,
thou wilt quarrel with a man that hath a drop blood more,
or a blood drop less, in his veins, than thou hast: thou
wilt feast upon a man with hazel eyes, having no
other reason than because thou thought hazel eyes taste hazely:
what undead but such an undead would spy out such a quarrel?
Thy head thinks fun of quarrels as an egg is full of
yolk, and yet thy head hath been beaten as an egg, and
your brain oozes as yolk from blows and being, you know, dead:
thou hast quarrelled with a
man for coughing in the street, because he hath
TB and thou mistook blood for ragu:
didst thou not fall out with an onlooker for saying
“What, like your mom”? with another, for
saying “Maybe the dead shouldn’t be resurrected”?,
and a third because you thought fat guys would be tastier,
and yet thou wilt tutor me from quarrelling!

BENVOLIO
An I were so apt to seduction as thou art, any man
should buy the fee-simple of my life for an hour and a quarter.

MERCUTIO
The fee-simple! O simple!

BENVOLIO
Doth thou know a maiden, in any county neighbor
Who has’t not felt the bed of “fair” Mercutio?

MERCUTIO
None, but few hath lain there twice,
save your mom, when the rent’s due.

BENVOLIO
By my head, here come the Capulets.
An undead hunting party, incited by
fair Romeo’s prison break, I should think.
Hide me, Mercutio, or we shall soon part this world,
As undead friends, are wont to do.

MERCUTIO
By my heel, I care not.

Enter TYBALT and others

TYBALT
Follow me close, for I will speak to them.
Freaks, good den: a word with one of you.

MERCUTIO
And but one word with one of us? couple it with
something; make it a word and a blow.

TYBALT
You shall find me apt enough to that, Zed, an you
will give me occasion.

MERCUTIO
Could you not take some occasion without giving?

TYBALT
Mercutio, didst thou consort'st with Romeo,--

MERCUTIO
Consort! what, dost thou make us minstrels? Shouldst
thou make minstrels of us, look to hear nothing but
discords: here's my fiddlestick; here's that shall
make you dance. 'Zounds, consort!

BENVOLIO
We talk here in the public haunt of men:
Either withdraw unto some private place,
And reason coldly of your grievances,
Or else depart; here all eyes gaze on us.

MERCUTIO
Men's eyes were made to look, and let them gaze;
I will not budge for no man's pleasure, I.
Here stand two bodies, ensourced by sorcerers!
All see’st the Voodoo Witchdoctor’s puppets,
The undead, who on his pleasure, shall be cold anon!

Enter ROMEO

TYBALT
Well, screw you guys: here comes my man.

MERCUTIO
But I'll be hanged, sir, if he wear your shackles:
Madam, go forth a’field, and he'll be your follower;
Your worship in that sense may call him 'man.'

TYBALT
Silence! None hath bed more than thee, Mercutio
my sister, as well, but cease! This task,
I am tasked with completing first.
Romeo, the hate I bear thee can afford
No better term than this,--thou art a villain.

ROMEO
Tybalt, the reason that I have to love thee
Doth much excuse thy appertaining rage
And such a greeting: villain am I none;
Nor shall I quarrel with the Witchdoctor’s man;
Therefore farewell; I see thou know'st me not.

TYBALT
Boy, this shall not excuse the injuries
That thou hast done me; many honest
family men, one day from retirement,
now swell your undead horde.
My guards are dead, their childrens orphans;
therefore turn and draw.

ROMEO
I do protest, I never injured thee, mostly
‘cause my damn shotgun ran out of ammo,
But love thee better than thou canst devise,
Till thou shalt know the reason of my love:
And so, good Witchdoctor’s Man,--which name I tender
As dearly as my own,--be satisfied.

MERCUTIO
O calm, dishonourable, vile submission!
Romeo hath handed his pride to sorcerers!
Alla stoccata carries it away.

Draws

Tybalt, vile kin-slayer, will you walk?

TYBALT
What wouldst thou have with me?
You, risen from the grave by we,
Still of blood warm and fresh?

MERCUTIO
Good king of cats, nothing but one of your nine
sisters; that I mean to make bold withal, and as she
shall use me hereafter, shall make you blush,
And jealousness claim the rest of the eight.
Will you pluck your gat out of his holster,
by the body? make haste, lest my “sword” be about your
sister’s hands, ere yours be out.

TYBALT
Oh, you a*****e!

BENVOLIO
And he says I’m the hot-head.

Drawing

ROMEO
Gentle Mercutio, put thy rapier up.

MERCUTIO
Come, sir, I’m always up.

ROMEO
Dude, not what I meant.

They fight

ROMEO
Draw, Benvolio; rend their weapon from grasp.
Gentlemen, for shame, forbear this outrage!
Tybalt, Mercutio, the President expressly hath
Forbidden bandying in the Witchdoctor’s streets:
This city a gift given, for the First Lady’s gifted resurrection.
Hold, Tybalt! good Mercutio!

TYBALT under ROMEO's arm blasts MERCUTIO with a shotgun, and flees with his followers

BENVOLIO
Aw, d**k.

MERCUTIO
I am hurt.
A plague o' both your houses! I am sped.
Is he gone, and hath suffered nothing?

BENVOLIO
‘Tis but a flesh wound!

MERCUTIO
Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch; but marry, 'tis enough.
He spilled my guts, and in so doing called my bluff.
Where is my page? Go, villain, fetch a priest,
Whose blessings may stay sorcery’s work.
Er the Witchdoctor makes a ghoul of me.

Exit Page

ROMEO
Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.

MERCUTIO
No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a
church-door; but 'tis enough,'twill serve: ask for
me to-morrow, and you shall find me a grave man. I
tested Tybalt and found, I warrant,
that he is no giver, but a ‘Taker.
A plague o' both your crypts! Like, another one.
'Zounds, a zombie dog, a rat, a licker, a
Las Plagas, to scratch a man to death! a braggart, a
rogue, a villain, that fights by the book of
the living! Why the devil came you between us? I
was hurt under your arm.

ROMEO
Are you sure you’re not okay?
A Zed hath no life to lose,
Save that lost when they find,
Their skull, like eggs, suddenly scrambled.

MERCUTIO
Help me into some house, Benvolio,
Or I shall faint. Romeo speaks of ignorance,
And hath no knowledge of the Witchdoctor’s
aids, who die once more, more easily than
the Zeds. A plague o' both your houses!
They have made worms' meat of me. Again.
And soundly too: your houses!

Exeunt MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO

ROMEO
This lecher, the Witchdoctor’s near ally,
My very friend, hath got his mortal hurt
In my behalf; my reputation stain'd
With Tybalt's slander,--Tybalt, that an hour
Hath been my kinsman! O sweet Juliet,
Thy beauty hath made me effeminate
And in my temper soften'd this zombie’s terror!

Re-enter BENVOLIO

BENVOLIO
O Romeo, Romeo, the playboy Mercutio's dead!
That womanizer’s spirit hath aspired the clouds,
What is that sound? As if thousands of women,
Cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.

ROMEO
On this day's black fate doth more days depend;
The wary alliance, Witchdoctor and Zombies,
Hath in this moment, met its final end.
This but begins the woe, others must end.

BENVOLIO
Here comes the furious Tybalt back again.

ROMEO
Alive, in triumph! and Mercutio slain!
Shall we teach him, of undeath’s cruelty?
Away to heaven, respective lenity,
And fire-eyed fury be my conduct now!

Re-enter TYBALT

Now, Tybalt, take the villain back again,
That late thou gavest me; for Mercutio's soul
waits but a little way above our heads,
And must soon depart, to escape the bindings,
Of the Witchdoctor’s foul sorceries.
He hopes for thine to keep him company:
Either thou, or I, or both, but I refuse.
Your soul may part, but your body,
Shall soon rot, and serve me instead!

TYBALT
Thou, wretched boy, that didst consume my prison guards,
Shalt with him hence, and gives their families peace!

ROMEO
This shall determine that.

They fight; suddenly an axe comes flying out of an alley, hitting Tybalt; TYBALT falls. ROMEO bites the wounded Tybalt, infecting him.

BENVOLIO
Romeo, away, be gone!
The citizens are up, and Tybalt slain,
By riotous fangirls! Hell hath no fury,
like a mob of Mercutio’s ex-girlfriends!
Stand not amazed: the fangirls will doom thee death,
If thou art taken: hence, be gone, away!
Raise thy zombie army, and ready thy teeth!

ROMEO
O, I am fortune's fool!

BENVOLIO
Why dost thou stay?

Exit ROMEO

Enter PRIEST

PRIEST
Which way ran he that kill'd Mercutio?
Tybalt, that murderer, which way ran he?

BENVOLIO
There lies that Tybalt.

PRIEST
Up, sir, go with me;
I charge thee in the Witchdoctor’s name, obey.
What lies there, shall raise the Witchdoctor’s ire.
‘Fore his arrival, let us lay Mercutio to rest, and
grant the dead peace, though the Witchdoctor
would not approve of thus.

Enter the WITCHDOCTOR, attended; Ser MONTAGUE, Ser CAPULET, their Wives, and others

WITCHDOCTOR
Where are the vile beginners of this fray?

BENVOLIO
O diabolical Witchdoctor, I can discover all
The unlucky manage of this fatal brawl:
There lies your re-animated man, bitten by Romeo,
That slew thy undead kinsman, brave Mercutio.

LADY CAPULET
Tybalt, my cousin! O my brother's child!
O Witchdoctor! O cult of crazed pseudo-scientists!
husband! O, the blood is spilt, O my dear kinsman!
Witchdoctor, as thou art imbued with Voodoo magic,
For blood of ours, shed blood of Montague.
Put down the rabid Romeo, who defies nature’s laws.
O cousin, cousin!

WITCHDOCTOR
Benvolio, who began this bloody fray?

BENVOLIO
Tybalt, here zombified, whom Romeo's nails did scratch;
Romeo that spoke him fair, bade him bethink
How nice the quarrel was, and urged withal
Your high displeasure: all this uttered
With gentle breath, calm look, knees humbly bow'd,
Could not take truce with the unruly spleen
Of Tybalt deaf to peace, but that he tilts
With piercing gunpowder at bold Mercutio's breast,
Who all as hot, turns deadly barrel to barrel,
And, with undying hand, received bravely
Cold bullet inside, and with the other sent
like ilk back to Tybalt, whose dexterity,
Retorts it: Romeo he cries aloud,
'Hold, friends! friends, part!' and, swifter than
his tongue,
His agile arm beats down their fatal gats,
And 'twixt them rushes; underneath whose arm
An envious shot from Tybalt hit the life
Of charming Mercutio, and then Tybalt fled;
But by and by comes back to Romeo,
Who had but newly entertain'd revenge,
And to 't they go like lightning, for, ere I
Could draw to part them, was stout Tybalt slain.
An axe did the deed, by whose hand wielded,
I cannot say. And, as he fell, did Romeo
Quickly bite him, turn and fly.
This is the truth, or let Benvolio die.

LADY CAPULET
He is fellow to the undead scum;
Affection makes him false; he speaks not true:
Some twenty of them fought in this black strife,
And all those twenty could but kill one life.
Mercutio could not die! I was to bare his child!
I beg for justice, which thou, Witchdoctor, must give;
Romeo slew Tybalt ‘fore I: Romeo must not live.

WITCHDOCTOR
Romeo slew him that slew Mercutio;
Why now the price of his dear blood doth he owe?
Who wouldst Mercutio’s fans see die,
So their lust for blood at last be sated?

MONTAGUE
Not Romeo, Witchdoctor, he was Mercutio's friend;
His only fault, his hand concludes
but what the mob would end,
The life of Tybalt.

WITCHDOCTOR
And for that offence
Immediately we do exile him hence, from life:
I have an interest in your hate's proceeding,
My blood for your rude brawls doth lie a-bleeding;
But I'll amerce you with so strong a Hex,
That you shall all repent the loss of what is mine:
I will be deaf to pleading and excuses;
Nor tears nor prayers shall purchase out abuses:
Therefore use none: let Romeo hence in haste,
be banished to death’s waste.
Tybalt, my right hand, has been severed,
And even a thousand curses from my lips,
Shall never revive him. He is Zed, my enemy;
and Mercutio, my man, has already been blessed,
never to serve me anon. A thief, twice caught,
would still have more hands than I.
Bear hence this body and attend our will:
Mercy but murders, so Tybalt shall we mercy kill.

Exeunt

ACT IV
SCENE I. Gravedigger Laurence's cell.
Enter GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE and PARIS


GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE
On Thursday, sir? The time is very short.

PARIS
Freshly pardoned by the Witchdoctor’s words,
Have you not yet heard it said?
My father Capulet will have it so;
And I am in no way slow to slack his haste.

GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE
You say you do not know the lady's mind:
Uneven is the course, I like it not.

PARIS
Immoderately she weeps for Mercutio's death,
And therefore have I little talk'd of love;
For Love smiles not in a house of tears.
Now, sir, her father counts it dangerous
That she doth give her sorrow so much sway,
And in his wisdom hastes our marriage,
To stop the inundation of her tears;
Which, too much minded by herself alone,
And coupled with her being a sexy undead freak,
May thus put her from society:
Now do you know the reason of this haste.

GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE
[Aside] This guy is a creeper.
If only Romeo knew of his sort-of widow’s woe.
Look, sir, here comes the lady towards my cell.

Enter JULIET

PARIS
Happily met, my lady and my wife!


JULIET
That may be, sir, when I may be a wife.

PARIS
That may be must be, love, on Thursday next.

JULIET
What must be shall be.

GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE
That's a certain text.

PARIS
Come you to make confession to this father?

JULIET
To answer that, I should confess to you.

PARIS
Do not deny to him that you love me.

JULIET
I will confess to you that I love him.

PARIS
So will ye, I am sure, that you love me.

JULIET
If I do so, it will be of more price,
Being spoke behind your back, than to your face.

PARIS
Poor soul, thy face is much abused with tears,
And adorable, rotten fleshy bits.

JULIET
The tears have got small victory by that;
For it was bad enough before their spite.

PARIS
Thou wrong'st it, more than tears, with that report.
No face lacks fancy, that has once before,
Had earthworms taste upon it’s surface.

JULIET
That is no slander, sir, which is a truth;
And what I spake, I spake it to my face.
And dude, earthworms? You do not know how
To woo a woman’s fancy..

PARIS
Thy face is mine, and thou hast slander'd it.

JULIET
And there’s the creepo! Knew it was coming.
Alack, it may be so, for it is not mine own.
Are you at leisure, sort-of-holy gravedigger, now;
Or shall I come to you at murky twilight?

GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE
My leisure serves me, pensive daughter, now.
My lord, we must entreat the time alone.

PARIS
God shield I should disturb devotion!
Juliet, on Thursday early will I rouse ye:
Till then, adieu; and keep this holy kiss.

[Exeunt]

JULIET
O shut the door! and when thou hast done so,
Come weep with me; past hope, past cure, past help!

GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE
Ah, Juliet, I already know thy grief;
It strains me past the compass of my wits:
I hear thou must, and nothing may prorogue it,
On Thursday next be married to this necro loser.

JULIET
Tell me not, Gravedigger, that thou hear'st of this,
Unless thou tell me how I may prevent it:
If, in thy wisdom, thou canst give no help,
Do thou but call my resolution wise,
And with this knife I'll help it presently.
God join'd my heart and Romeo's, through our hands;
And ere this hand, by thee to Romeo seal'd,
Shall be the label to another deed,
Or my true heart with treacherous revolt
Turn to another, this shall slay them both:
Therefore, out of thy long-experienced time,
Give me some present counsel, or, behold,
'Twixt my extremes and me this bloody knife
Shall play the umpire, arbitrating that
Which the commission of thy years and art
Could to no issue of true honour bring.
Be not so long to speak; I long to die,
If what thou speak'st speak not of remedy.

GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE
Hold, Voodoo Witchdoctor’s Assistant:
I have a plan, and this one will go better,
Than that friar from the past’s, I assure you.
If, rather than to marry County Paris,
Thou hast the strength of will to re-slay thyself,
Then is it likely thou wilt undertake
A thing as difficult as death to chide away this shame.
Instead of killing yourself, kill the Witchdoctor,
That so parlays with death that
he himself may scape from it:
And, if thou darest, I'll give thee remedy.

JULIET
O, bid me leap, rather than marry Paris,
From off the battlements of yonder tower;
Or walk in creepy alleys with pervy guys;
Or bid me lurk where serpents are;
Chain me with roaring bears,
and leave me to my doom.
If not, then shut me nightly in a charnel-house,
Cover’d quite with dead men's rattling bones,
And with reeky shanks. and yellow chapless skulls;
Or bid me go into a new-made grave
And hide me with a dead man in his shroud;
Things that, to hear them told, make humans tremble;
And I will do it without fear or doubt,
To live an unstain'd wife to my sweet love.

GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE
Right, this is exactly how you died the first time.
You don’t want to change anything you just suggested?

JULIET
Nay, I cannot slay the Witchdoctor,
For he draws power from the Grey still,
And so is invulnerable to poor Juliet’s arm.

GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE
[The Gravedigger sighs]
Hold, then; go home, be merry, give consent
To marry Paris: Wednesday is to-morrow:
To-morrow night look that thou lie alone;
Let not thy Warden lie with thee in thy chamber:
Take thou this vial, being then in bed,
And this distilled liquor drink thou off.
Wence through all thy veins it shall run,
A cold and drowsy humour,
meant for one of no pulse.
Then, thy skin shall warm, and blood thus channel.
Death shall nay keep his native progress, but surcease:
Warmth and breath shall testify thou livest;
The roses in thy lips and cheeks shall bloom,
Thy warmth return after two lifetimes lost,
Each part, once deprived of supple government,
Shall, limber, warm and energetic, appear as if revived:
And in this borrow'd likeness of towering life,
Thou shalt continue two and forty hours,
And then cold death will grip thee again,
As if from a pleasant dream.
Now, when the bridegroom in the morning comes
To rouse thee from thy bed,
there shall thou appear human:
Then, as young Paris hears that his bride,
is not so deceased as he prefers,
thy marriage shall be delayed.
From there, in thy best robes uncover'd on the bier
Shalt the Witchdoctor have thee,
be borne to that same ancient vault
Where all thy kindred of the Capulets lie.
And in that vault, desperately perform rituals,
To return thy undead form, and to eternal service,
Attempt to have thee re-bound.
This stuff has some severe side effects though,
Like narcolepsy. So, y’know, don’t fall asleep.
Even if it be so however, again thou shalt awake,
And in betwixt thy slumber,
Romeo by my letters shall know our drift,
And hither shall he come: and he and I
Will seize upon the Witchdoctor’s ritual,
And during the confusion caused by your waking,
That very night shall Romeo and I
bear the Witchdoctor to a purgatorial grave.
And this shall free thee from this present shame,
and Romeo from the Witchdoctor’s doomsaying;
As long of course as no inconstant toy,
nor womanish fear or plot,
Abate thy valour in the acting it.

JULIET
[Aside] If only I could tell thee of the Warden’s plot, Gravedigger!
Yet her spell binds me now, even so.
Give me, give me! O, tell not me of fear!

GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE
Hold this, and get you gone; be strong and prosperous
In this resolve: I'll send a fellow Gravedigger with speed
To Romeo hence, with my letters and thy plot.

JULIET
Love give me strength! and strength shall help afford.
Farewell, dear father!
[Exeunt]

SCENE II. Hall in Capulet's house.
Enter CAPULET, LADY CAPULET, Warden, and two Acolyte Servants

CAPULET
So many guests invite as here are writ.
[Exit First Servant]
Sirrah, go hire me twenty cunning cooks.

SECOND SERVANT
You shall have none ill, sir; for I'll try if they
can’t cook some finger-licking good
Licks of fingers.

CAPULET
Wha…what?

SECOND SERVANT
Marry, sir, 'tis an ill cook that cannot cook fingers,
or so says the Witchdoctor, and his voodoo lords;
therefore no cook goes whose
finger-based dishes goes not with me.

CAPULET
Go, be gone.
And bring a trash bag on return.
That I may barf my innards into it.
Exit Second Servant
We shall be much unfurnished for this event.
What, is my daughter gone to Gravedigger Laurence?


WARDEN
Ay, forsooth.

CAPULET
Well, he may chance to do some good on her:
A peevish self-will'd harlotry it is.

WARDEN
Ha, yeah. She’s probably showing sire,
Gravedigger the night of his life right now.
See now that she comes from shrift
with such a merry look.

Enter JULIET

CAPULET
How now, my headstrong! where have you been gadding?

JULIET
Where I have learn'd me to repent sin,
and the joys of disobedient opposition,
To you and your behests; and was enjoin'd
By grey-y Laurence to fall prostrate,
And beg pardon: and now I beg pardon.
I beseech you! Henceforward I am ever ruled by you.

[The Warden and Capulets exchange glances]

WARDEN
Pfft, told you so.

CAPULET
Send for the county; go tell him of this:
I'll have this knot knit up to-morrow morning.
Damn undead girls can’t go around sleeping,
With whatever Gravediggers they choose…

JULIET
I met the youthful lord at Laurence' cell;
And gave him what becomed love I might,
Not step o'er the bounds of modesty.

WARDEN
What the hell, a three-way? I literally can’t even-

CAPULET
Why, I am glad on't; this is well: stand up:
This is as't should be. The county is a freak anyway,
So he probably enjoys that sort of thing.
Let me away now to see the county;
Ay, marry, go, I say, and fetch him hither.
Now, afore God! this revered Gravedigger,
Our whole city it seems is much bound to him.

JULIET
Aye, thanks to him I am born again,
As if life were soon to take purchase here,
Amidst these old and rotting bones.
Warden, will you go with me into my closet,
To help me sort such needful ornaments
As you think fit to furnish me to-morrow?

LADY CAPULET
No, not till Thursday; there is time enough.
And it sounds like you’ve done more than enough.

CAPULET
Go, Warden, go with her, and prevent anymore tomfoolery;
For thus did we take you in, despite the prison’s debacle.
And we'll to church to-morrow.

[Exeunt JULIET and WARDEN]

LADY CAPULET
We shall be short in our provision:
'Tis now near night, and our guards few.
I hear the attacks from neighboring city’s
Outpouring of graveyards has increased,
And now even the Witchdoctor is shorthanded.

CAPULET
Tush, I will stir about,
And all things shall be well, I warrant thee, wife:
Go thou to Juliet, help to deck up her,
So the county may up her deck;
I'll not to bed to-night; let me alone;
I'll play the housewife for this once. What, ho!
They are all forth. Well, I will walk myself
To County Paris, to prepare him up
Against to-morrow: my heart is wondrous light,
Since this same wayward, undead girl
Shall at last be rid from our many responsibilities..

[Exeunt]

SCENE III. Juliet's chamber.
Enter JULIET and WARDEN

JULIET
Ay, those attires suck: gentle Warden,
I pray thee, leave me to my self to-night,
For I have need of many orisons
To move the heavens to smile upon my state,
Which, well thou know'st well, is cross and full of sin.

WARDEN
You’re really taking this born again thing seriously, aren’t you?

Enter LADY CAPULET

LADY CAPULET
What, are you busy, ho? need you my help?

WARDEN
No, madam; we’ve culled her as much as
is necessary for her betrothal to-morrow:
So please you, let her now be left alone,
And wait this night in the dining hall,
and let Sir Capulet sit up with you;
For, I am sure, you have your hands full all,
In this so sudden business.

LADY CAPULET
Good night, trustworthy Warden:
Get thee to bed, and rest; for thou hast need.

[Exeunt LADY CAPULET]

JULIET
Wait! Mother! God knows when we shall meet again.
I have a faint cold fear that thrills through my veins,
That almost freezes up the heat of life:
Warden, d-do you stay to comfort me?

WARDEN
Pfft, hell no. But hark well slave,
My plot doth near its end in complete.
Your wedding shall draw forth,
both Witchdoctor and President in turn;
and when they are a-seated, then shall
I strike, as an adder waiting coiled.
And once vile Witchdoctor is removed,
Then shall my comrades be a-venged, and
My Witch-slaying duties done.

JULIET
What, art thou not the true serpent,
Who lies in waiting, venom fresh
Upon thy unrepentant fangs?

WARDEN
Quiet hussy! Your conscience,
And untamed rendezvous with Romeo,
Shall not abate my desire to avenge!
To-morrow, all shall play their part,
Regardless of your desire to repent of sin.
And fair Juliet, first and foremost,
Will stand before that altar,
While heartbroken Romeo finds comfort,
Within my caring arms instead.
I command it!

[The Warden holds aloft the Voodoo Doll]
[Exeunt the WARDEN]

JULIET
Curse that trollop, but at last she departs.
Swearing to seize love's ethereal blossom,
Though she know not its shape or form.
Now then, my dismal scene I needs must act alone.
But will this break the Warden’s hold?
Or shall my ruse fall by the wayside,
Of foul Witch Hunter’s desire for blood?
Come, vial!
But, what if this mixture should not work at all?
Shall I be married then to-morrow morning?
No, no: this shall forbid it: lie thou there.

[Laying down her dagger]

What if it be a potion, which the Gravedigger
Subtly hath minister'd to have me obedient,
Lest in this ceremony he should be dishonour'd,
when I’m all like “Wait, it’s a trick! I’m married, you nuts!”?
I fear it is: that he hath sided with the Warden,
For how different are Gravedigger and Witch Hunter,
At the heart of the matter?
And yet, methinks, it should not,
For he hath still been tried a holy man,
And we couldn’t legally prove he was
A charlatan, if nothing else.
How, if after the panic at the wedding abates,
I begin to take undead form once more,
Shall that Romeo come to redeem me?
There's a fearful point!
Shall I not, then, be caught amidst madness,
As Witchdoctors and Hunters feud in turn,
And there die strangled ere my Romeo comes?
Or, if I live, is it not very unlikey,
The horrible fate of marriage un-to waits,
for the Witchdoctor may defeat the Warden yet.
And if that is not my fate, then there,
Where bloody Tybalt, yet but green in earth,
Shall be a-venged by the Warden, I shall
Most likely be be-headed for my undead curse.
O, look! methinks I see my cousin's ghost
Seeking out the Warden, that did split his head,
With an axe-stroke most fearful.
Stay, Tybalt, stay! Death is the rightful place,
For one who’s lifetime was thus spent,
Sending others back to it in turn.
If even weak-kneed Tybalt, who thus
Punished all who returned from the grave,
Now seeks second life, then why shouldn’t I?
At the very least, the risk is not too much!
Romeo, I come! This do I drink to thee.

[She drinks the concoction, and falls upon her bed, within the curtains]

SCENE IV. Hall in Capulet's house.
Enter LADY CAPULET and WARDEN
LADY CAPULET
Hold, take these keys, and fetch more spices, Warden.
For they are sour, and known to repulse,
The wandering zombie who may wander,
Too close to our happy gathering.

WARDEN
They call for dates and quinces in the pastry,
And bullets and rifles near the city’s walls.

LADY CAPULET
See that they have them both,
And each in turn. No attack,
Shall ruin Juliet’s near joining,
To Paris who waits nearby.

Enter CAPULET

CAPULET
Come, stir, stir, stir! the second c**k hath crow'd,
The curfew-bell hath rung, 'tis three o'clock:
Look to the baked meats, good Angelica:
Spare not for the cost.

LADY CAPULET
Go, you cot-queen, go,
Get you to bed; faith, You'll be sick to-morrow
For this night's watching.

CAPULET
No, not a whit: what! I have watch'd ere now
All night for lesser cause, and ne'er been sick.

LADY CAPULET
Ay, you have been a mouse-hunt in your time;
But I will watch you from such watching now.

[Exeunt LADY CAPULET and WARDEN]

CAPULET
A jealous hood, a jealous hood!
[Enter three or four Apostles of the Witchdoctor, with spits, logs, and baskets]
Now, fellow,
What's there?

First Servant
Things for the cook, sir; but I know not what.

CAPULET
Make haste, make haste.
Exit First Servant
Sirrah, fetch drier logs:
Call Peter, he will show thee where they are.

Second Servant
I have a head, sir, that will find out logs,
And never trouble Peter for the matter.

Exit

CAPULET
Mass, and well said; a merry whoreson, ha!
Thou shalt be logger-head. Good faith, 'tis day:
The county will be here with music straight,
For so he said he would: I hear him near.
Music within
Warden! Wife! What, ho! What, Wife, I say!

Re-enter LADY CAPULET

Go waken Juliet, go and trim her up;
I'll go and chat with Paris: hie, make haste,
Make haste; the bridegroom he is come already:
Make haste, I say.

[Exeunt]

SCENE V. Juliet's chamber.
Enter LADY CAPULET
LADY CAPULET
Mistress! what, mistress! Juliet! fast, I warrant her, she:
Why, lamb! why, darling! fie, you slug-a-bed!
Why, Voodoo Witchdoctor’s Assistant!
I say! madam! sweet-heart! why, bride!
What, not a word? you take your pennyworths now;
Sleep for eternity; for the next night, I warrant,
The County Paris hath set up his rest,
That you shall rest but little. God forgive me,
Marry, and amen, how sound is she asleep!
I must needs wake her. Get! Up! You! Stupid! Idiot!
Ay, let the county take you in your bed;
He's got loose morals, he’d probably do it.
He’ll fright you up, i' faith. Will it not be?

Undraws the curtains

JULIET
Hallelujah, it’s a miracle!

LADY CAPULET
What, dress'd! and in your clothes! and kneeling in prayer again!
I must needs feel your warmth; Aye, you radiate,
With the warmth of one who yet lives!
Lady! lady! lady!
Alas, alas! Help, help! my lady is not dead!
O, well-a-day, that ever I was born!
Some aqua vitae, ho! My lord! My lord!

Enter WARDEN

WARDEN
What noise is here?

LADY CAPULET
O lamentable day!

WARDEN
What is the matter?

LADY CAPULET
Look, look! O heavy day!

JULIET
Shush, you’ll interrupt my prayers,
That doth give thanks for life returned!
Hallelujah, I am restored! And,
Oh no~, Paris totally won’t want me now,
How awfuuuul~

WARDEN
O me, O me! My meal ticket, my only trump card,
Revive, look up and beg for brains, that sordid dish of death,
or I will fall to my knees with thee!

LADY CAPULET
Help, help! Call help!

Enter CAPULET

CAPULET
For shame, bring Juliet forth; her lord is come.

LADY CAPULET
She is aliiiive, arisen, a miracle hath occurred; alack the day!

CAPULET
Alack the day, she's risen, she's returned, she hath been granted
A miracle when it doth harm us most!

WARDEN
Ha! let me see her: out, alas! she's warm:
Her blood is hot, and her joints are loose;
Life and these lips have long been parted,
Yet now have met again, through some devilry:
Death draws nowhere near her just, it seems,
when we had found a county who would appreciate her,
For all that she had become; The sweetest flower,
of all the fields of Elysium.

CAPULET
O lamentable day!

LADY CAPULET
O woful time!

WARDEN
Calm! Calm, lest the servants below mistake this house,
For one of two Lady Capulets, and no sires within.
Death, that took her hence, was what drew young Paris near:
So propriety says that, should she become dead once more,
Then nothing to the young count would seem amiss.

CAPULET
Speak not in riddles, Warden;
Doth thou suggest that this life, fresh returned,
We should take again by stroke of the axeblade?

WARDEN
I mean, I have an axe right here.
Would not it solve your problems hence?

LADY CAPULET
Nay, Nay! This is a gift, bestowed by righteous powers,
And so should not be forsook so lightly.
And were Death to touch upon her now, still
The Witchdoctor would have to perform his ceremony again,
And the marriage delays many days hence!

WARDEN
Well, I don’t know then. Try, like,
Painting her up in zombie body paint?

CAPULET
…

LADY CAPULET
Send forth for paint at once! We shall,
Return this girl to her unholy state at once!
If not in flesh, then in acrylic!

Enter GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE and PARIS, with Musicians

GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE
Come, is the bride ready to go to the church’s graveyard?
Scruffy only does ceremonies in graveyards, by the way.
It’s kind of a Gravedigger thing.

CAPULET
Ready to go, but never to return.
O son! the night before thy wedding-day
Hath Life lain with thy wife. There she kneels,
Deflowered as she was by Death,
Now returned to a flower by him.
The Church is my son-in-law, prayer is my heir;
My daughter he hath wedded: I will die,
And leave the Church all; my life, my living, all is theirs.

PARIS
Have I thought long to see this morning's face,
And doth it give me such a sight as this?
Where reside the rotted, fleshy bits,
The desire for brains that inexplicably,
I doth find so endearing?

WARDEN
Not exactly. See, we found out she only
Looks alive, and life will not linger long.
By ceremony’s end, surely the night will
Grasp fleeting warmth back from her skin,
And all shall be well.

GRAVEDIGGER
Uuuhhh…

LADY CAPULET
O woe! O woful, lamentable, hateful day!
I cannot lie, before one who would be my son!
We know not if that is the truth,
And our beguiling cannot beguile a heart,
As pure and innocent as your own.
If you wish to have no more to do,
With this living puppet, then say it but so,
And we shall regret this day anon!

PARIS
Ho, I am beguiled, divorced, wronged, spited, my hopes slain!
Yet, raise thyself Lady Capulet. Thou art,
As my own mother, and I see thy earnest soul.
Though she now lives, Juliet is but mortal;
And doth the jaunty Gravediggers not say,
In no uncertain terms, until death are we parted?
I pray, staunch thy tears, for I will yet marry,
The human Juliet. And when she dies,
Shall we be wed anew, and my wish finally granted.
Hey, it’s only what like, fifty? Sixty years?
I can wait that long. And then she’ll be my wife,
Foreeeeeevverrrr.

WARDEN
Dude, you have issues.

GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE
Peace, ho, for shame! confusion's cure lives not
In these confusions. Heaven and yourself
Had part in this fair maid; now heaven hath all,
And all the better is it for the maid:
Your part in her you would trade to Paris,
But heaven takes his part as well,
And gives both pieces eternal life.
The most you sought was her, married off;
For 'twas your heaven she should be revived,
And when the Witchdoctor did so you found,
An undead relative was actually pretty underwhelming:
And weep ye now, seeing she is married
Above the clouds, to one as high as heaven itself?
O, in this love, you love your child so ill,
That you run mad, seeing that she is well:
She's not well married that forsakes her coven with Heaven,
To marry her flesh to another, ignoring that her soul is blessed.
Dry up your tears, and stick your rosemary
On this fair nun; and, as the custom is,
In all her best array bear her to church:
For thou you lose the partnership of your houses,
Through her service with me, shall your family,
Be married to the Heavens themselves.

WARDEN
The Witchdoctor had a stake in this.
I bet he’d be pretty pissed if you just handed her over,
To some creepy Gravedigger who worships this ‘Grey’ nonsense.

PARIS
…I’m just saying, I would pay a lot of money as a dowry,
If we just went ahead and did the wedding thing instead.

CAPULET
Well, I’m sold. Lady Capulet,
Go inside and tell everyone of the festivities!
We shall gather in the Graveyard, and there
Juliet shall be married by yon Gravedigger’s shovel!
Do not tary, the President is waiting!

JULIET
Wait! No! Don’t I get a say in this?
Damn it!

[Exeunt CAPULET, LADY CAPULET, PARIS, JULIET, and GRAVEDIGGER LAURENCE]

Enter EXECUTIONER PETER

First Musician
Faith, may we pick up our pipes, and be gone?

EXECUTIONER PETER
Honest goodfellows, ay! Pick up, pick up;
For, well you know, this shall be a momentous occasion!

First Musician
Ay, by my troth, the case may be amended.

WARDEN
Musicians, O, musicians, ‘Imperial March; Darth Vader’s theme'.
O, an you will have me live, play ‘Imperial March.'

First Musician
Why the Imperial Death March?

WARDEN
Because I’m about to murder freaking,
Like, everyone at the wedding!
You can’t do something so deliciously evil,
And not have an awesome theme to accompany it!

First Musician
No, no march shall we play;
'tis no time to play such tunes!
My loyalty lies with the Witchdoctor,
Who did revive us; for our band once sank,
On the Titanic’s foiled frame, and yet now
Rise again to spread joy through our music reborn.

WARDEN
You will not, then?

EXECUTIONER PETER
Uh, guys, it seems like tempers are flaring-

First Musician
No.

EXECUTIONER PETER
Perhaps we could convince them to just turn a blind eye?

First Musician
Nay, I will not ignore my lord's peril.

WARDEN
I will then give it to you soundly.

First Musician
What will you give us?

WARDEN
No money, on my faith, but the axe;
I will give you nil for your loyalty’s pay,
But return to deep water’s bosom.

First Musician
Then I will give you the rubbing,
To make my return fair! For I will not,
Unto Death with my honor so despoiled!
I am a serving-creature, but one who
Does not bite the hand that hath fed me!

[Draws Dagger]

WARDEN
Then will I lay the serving-creature's dagger on
your pate. I will carry no crotchets: I'll re you,
I'll fa you; do you note me?

First Musician
An should you re us and fa us sir, you’ll note us.

Second Musician
Pray you, put up your axe! But if,
This course shall be run, we are with you sir.

First Musician
Thank you for that. I shall die twice,
Knowing no better company exists,
Than that which I have shared with you.

EXECUTIONER PETER
I am with you, Warden,
For little may we agree, but I am still
a member of our Witch Hunter's guild.

First Musician
So you are, young Executioner.

WARDEN
Enough! Have at you, and shall
The music to accompany my triumph be
But the cries you utter in agony; aye,
Still it will serve!

[The two sides fight. Peter and The Warden slays the Band of the Titanic.]

WARDEN
Look there Peter, beneath the window!
Already, the Witchdoctor does wait afore
The gate of the Graveyard: Look how he smiles,
And greets the President and his First Lady in!
Enjoys the graves, you grave grave-goers!
Soon shall you rest within, a grim fate for-ever.
For you friends of fiends, that Witchdoctor’s pals,
No mercy exists within this chest!
Only doom awaits!

[The WARDEN raises their hood to create a menacing silhouette]
[Exeunt]