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 Posted: Fri Jul 31, 2020 8:53 am
Arias hated hospitals, hated the uncertainty of them. He hated waiting, watching people bustle around, wondering if something was going to go wrong. He appreciated hospitals, and everyone working in them--he had thanked the nurses and doctors responsible for patching Nick up a thousand times already, it seemed.
He was stable. They had worked tirelessly to fix him up. He was in a fragile state, but that was to be expected. Arias was sitting next to his bedside, anxious for him to wake up. He didn't like seeing his fiance pale, hooked up to machines, unconscious.
They said he'd live. They said he'd need time to recover. Arias had guilt pooling in his stomach because of the fraudulent police report he'd had to make, but it wasn't like you could just get stabbed and not have people asking questions. He said they'd been out, that someone had jumped them from the shadows.
The police either bought the story or couldn't be bothered to care about pressing for more information, Arias didn't know what was worse.
But none of it mattered.
Nick was alive. He had dozed for a few minutes here and there but he'd been up since they'd arrived last night and his adrenaline wouldn't let him sleep until he heard Nick's voice, until he knew he was okay.
Dark circles had formed under his eyes; he hadn't eaten and the fatigue and worry clung to him. But, he wouldn't have moved from Nick's side for any reason. He held his hand gently, mindful of the wires he was hooked up to, and just gently stroked the back of hand reassuringly while he waited.
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Posted: Fri Jul 31, 2020 1:59 pm
He didn’t remember much after getting into the hospital, though Nick knew that he must be lucky to be alive. Lucky he had paper with him. Lucky he hadn’t passed out before he could get a note off to Newgrange. Lucky he didn’t fool himself into falling for Ashanite again. Lucky his heart was still whole.
He felt cold, except for one area that felt any sort of warmth, which seemed to be one of his hands, and without thinking, he squeezed his hand, wanting to feel more of the warmth.
After a long moment, Nick finally opened his eyes and blinked slowly, making a face at the light in the room, and turning his head slightly to the side, his gaze falling on Arias. The smile that formed on his lips was small, but full of affection. “Ah…you’re what’s warm…” He shivered slightly and gave a hiss as he moved, pain shooting from his midsection. “…Ow.”
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Posted: Sat Aug 01, 2020 7:07 am
As soon as Arias felt the pressure on his hand, he lifted his head up, keen to examine Nick's face. He was relieved when he opened his eyes, when he spoke. The smile almost made everything okay.
Almost.
"Don't move. The doctors got you all patched up," he explained, "But you're going to have to take it easy. Which might work out for the best, I can keep you in bed and keep an eye on you."
He stroked the back of Nick's hand affectionately. "They're going to want you to stay for a little while. You bled a lot, but most of the damage was to your large intestines. I'm sorry if that's technical, or gross. But, it's a good thing. It means none of your vital organs were hit or anything. You still needed surgery, but--but you're going to be okay, is the important part. I'd ask how you were feeling, but..."
He knew.
There was no way Nick was comfortable, or happy, right now. But, at least he was alive.
"Are you hungry or anything, what can I get you, love? --Do you need another blanket?"
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Posted: Sat Aug 01, 2020 5:54 pm
Nick watched him for a long moment and gave a soft laugh. “…Goodness, Arias…It almost seems like you were worried about me or something.” It was hard to try to make a joke of things, but the worry in the other male’s eyes bothered him more than he wanted to admit. “I’m…glad that nothing important was damaged. That’s..ah. That’s a good thing.”
He gave the male’s hand another squeeze and let his eyes close again.
“I’m cold. If I’m going to be honest. Cold and…feeling…really stupid.”
He felt hot tears gather in the corners of his eyes, and for as good as the warmth felt, he hated them. “…Arias…please forgive me…I love you. I…I’m not going to die, right?” There was a little fear in the question, though he tried to disguise it with whatever humor that he could find. “…It would suck to go through all of that and die now…they didn’t say that I am, have they?”
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Posted: Sat Aug 01, 2020 6:10 pm
"Nick," Arias said, voice a bit guarded, like he was warning him to drop the act. "No, you're not going to die. I can get your chart, it's hanging off the end of the bed. Women get C-Sections all the time, the only difference is that your guts stayed inside you, for the most part. You don't understand how lucky you are."
He reached over to smooth his hair out of his face, brushing his thumb across his cheek and chasing away the tear that threatened to fall. "You're going to need bed rest, a few checkups, some antibiotics and painkillers. They're going to keep you here for twelve hours minimum, but we're probably looking at a day or two. The bakery's being taken care of, I'm going to stay here with you. Unless you need something, in which case I'll go get it for you. But if you've got any friends you want me to call to keep you company, we can do that. I don't want you to be alone. If you don't want friends, my parents know. I kept them in the loop, and Carlee. I told them not to come visit yet, that you need your rest, but I'm sure they're waiting for the okay to pile on over here. We were all worried about you."
He sighed and stroked his cheek gently. "Don't go scaring me like that again, okay?"
It wasn't much, but he removed his jacket and draped it over Nick; it was warm, like he was, and he couldn't really even remember grabbing it on his way out. Arias was cold, but it didn't matter. Nick needed it more than he did.
"Why are you asking for forgiveness? You got stabbed. You don't have to apologize for that. Unless you were doing something with him first," he said, and it hurt to say it. He didn't want to know. He could imagine it too easily, Nick cheating on him. It wouldn't be the first time, and it made him sick to think that it was a possibility. But, he needed to know. Nick could profess his love as often as he wanted, but Arias needed honesty, now, more than ever.
...Though, it wasn't like he could abandon him while he was in such a sorry state, anyway. He just hoped that Nick couldn't see the bluff on his face.
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Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2020 2:02 pm
Nick watched Arias for a long moment and finally winced, blowing out a breath and grimacing. “…No. I wasn’t doing anything with him this time but. If he wouldn’t have stabbed me…I…” He didn’t look away, kept his eyes fixed on his fiancé. “…I am weak to him. I don’t know why it is. Of course you know we’ve…been intimate before. And I hadn’t seen him in…a hell of a long time.”
The words started coming faster and tears filled the male’s eyes. “…I’m sorry. I have cheated on you though. And…I’ve done it after I promised not to. I’m so sorry.” It had been over a year though, hadn’t it? He had been…pretty good since then…
He drew in a breath, finally looking away, closing his eyes as he leaned against the pillows, certain that this would be it, that Arias would decide that he had enough of Nick breaking his heart, and there was no way that he could blame him for that.
“It was last February, if I remember right. It was Virell. You know he didn’t take the news of our engagement well…and the first time we saw one another after that…I just…”
He blew out the breath he had been half holding. “…I got carried away.” As he always did.
God, he was such an idiot.
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Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2020 3:00 pm
Arias was quiet for a long moment; he couldn't really look at Nick.
Wasn't doing anything this time.
But if he hadn't stabbed him...
He didn't want to see Nick's tears. Naturally, he was weak to them. But then, Nick was his fiance. That was how it was supposed to be. Was Nick crying for hurting him? Or was he upset at being caught?
Arias had forgiven him the first time he'd found out. And then Nick had promised not to do it again.
But then, he had.
Arias wasn't surprised. There was a part of him that had hoped he'd be good enough for Nick. That had hoped he was enough.
He wanted to be mad at Nick but he was too tired, too distracted by the relief that he was alive right now. He was too tired to hurt, to process betrayal. And then, he felt selfish. Nick was here, in the hospital, hurting, and Arias was thinking of himself.
...But then, perhaps, if Nick had practiced a little more fidelity, he wouldn't be in this situation. Arias took no satisfaction in the thought; he wasn't spiteful.
He was just sad.
He was quiet for a long moment and his jaw felt like steel, unwilling to part so he could speak. It was for the best. He had nearly a full moment to consider what he wanted to say. In the end, there wasn't really anything he wanted to say.
He wasn't like any of the others he knew Nick had cheated on him with. There was a voice in his head that told him there were more names, more faces. More bodies crashing against Nick's in the dark of the night. His heart sank at the thought, but there was relief in the fact that it didn't seem like it could sink any lower. Arias was average, by most standards. He didn't think he was particularly handsome. He was in shape. He was moderately successful. He wasn't ambitious; he did enough to be happy and comfortable. He loved deeply, albeit shyly. He wasn't as comfortable in his own skin, or with intimacy, as Nick might like. He'd been self conscious about that. He'd tried to be better.
But he couldn't really compete with someone attractive and dangerous, like Ashanite, who Nick seemed to crave like the drug he knew he was. Dark and chaotic, a taste of his previous path. A path Arias had thought Nick was done with.
...And how could he compete with Virell? Fun and exciting, attractive and seeping with every ounce of confidence that Arias lacked. He was a model. Arias had seen him on a billboard a month back. He was on the news, two weeks ago, at some fancy party some politician was hosting. Arias hadn't said anything but he recognized that hair. He had watched for longer than he wanted for confirmation, and hated himself when he got it. But Virell was a close friend of his sister's, so it's not like he was avoidable. He wasn't even a bad guy. Just.
Beautiful. Exciting. Desirable. Ambitious. Adored.
...Dating someone else now, he'd heard, but he didn't even know if that would have stopped anything else from happening.
Arias was boring. Arias was safe. He was stable, to catch Nick when he fell, and sooth his hurts, and support him.
...But was that what Nick wanted? Or was that just convenient?
"...Am I just a placeholder until you find the right person?"
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Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 10:21 am
“I don’t think so.” Nick said after a long moment of silence as he truly weighed the words in his mind and heart. “You…haven’t ever been a placeholder to me…I…” He swallowed hard. “…I want to be married. I want to be yours…I know I’ve made promises before…and I know I’ve broken them, and that you have no reason at all to trust me now but…I want to be yours. If…if you could help me find out how to get rid of the transcendence…I could give up being a knight all together…we could just…just live as us.”
It sounded so ideal.
“…I want to get a house with you…and I would like to maybe…maybe start thinking about…” He faltered, his mouth going dry. “…About adopting a child…? Or looking into it…? O-or if not a child…maybe we could get a dog? Or a cat?”
Something that they could raise together.
“…If you’ll still have me, Arias…I would marry you right now. I’m…I’m done screwing around. All it does is hurts us both…and I don’t want…to think about you hurting anymore. Not ever again…”
And if Arias didn’t want him…well.
He hoped they could at least be friends…and he could pick up the broken pieces of his heart and think of what to do next.
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Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 10:55 am
"I don't want you to make a rash decision because you think you're going to lose me if you don't do some grand, dramatic gesture to keep me," he said quietly.
"...I don't think it's fair to talk about getting married right now. Or getting a house. Or adopting."
It wasn't that he didn't want those things. He loved his little place above the bakery, but he knew that if they were going to have a family they'd have to find something else. But was it fair to talk about something they'd have to share, something they'd raise, together, when Nick's decisions made him question how together they even were? What sort of relationship was built on so many lies, and deception, so many instances of infidelity.
Arias was stupid to still love him. Nick had been cheating. He'd cheated after he'd promised not to.
It was a cold, unfair realization that Nick was always going to cheat on him.
He just wasn't going to leave him.
Arias had only ever been with one person. Maybe that was his problem. He'd been smitten by Nick's confidence, by his sweet words and promises. In a time when Arias was less confident in himself, Nick had been there to flirt, to build him up.
Arias was grateful for that, he wasn't going to pretend like he wasn't. He'd come to terms with himself, been more open, more understanding. He had been able to talk to his parents about himself. To Carlee.
It was selfish of him to be thinking about himself while Nick was still in the hospital bed, he knew that. But it seemed like the only time Nick was ever honest was when he didn't have a chance not to be.
His eyes were downcast and something inside of Arias broke. It didn't make it to his face, but he felt it shifting in his heart, like tectonic plates making an earthquake, and shattering everything he'd built up.
There was no such thing as a perfect relationship, a perfect romance. He had put too much of his heart into Nick that he didn't think he'd be able to be whole without him. There was no way to take back the pieces he'd given. If he lost Nick, he couldn't see himself dating again. It was stupid, maybe just first-love syndrome. He'd gone all in with Nick, ignored the warning signs, forgiven.
Why should he change now? Nick wasn't going to. Maybe he wanted to, but Arias couldn't rely on him to actually follow throw.
Last night, Ashanite had stabbed him. But if things had gone differently...
If things had gone differently, maybe Nick would have gone with Ashanite. Left Arias right there, just like that. If Ashanite hadn't stabbed him, maybe Nick would be feeding sweet lies to him, instead. Or, maybe he'd have meant them. Maybe he didn't have to lie to Ashanite.
He was quiet, brows knit but expression almost unreadable.
The only way Arias got his little dream life was if he played along and pretended like he didn't care. Didn't care what lovers Nick snuck while he wasn't looking, didn't care what lies he was fed, didn't care if one day he could wake up to an empty bed after Nick decided to sneak out in the night and never come back.
Maybe there was less of a chance of him corrupting if he wasn't powering up, but in that moment, Arias gave up on new dreams.
Was it fair to himself to buy a house that he might wind up paying off by himself? He'd manage. Was it fair to a child to bring them into a home where they could lose a parent at any given time? No.
But at least Arias wouldn't be alone when Nick decided he'd found someone else to fall so madly in love with.
Tiredly, he reached his free hand out to stroke Nick's hair. He wouldn't look at him, but he would give him that comfort. Despite everything, he wanted Nick to be okay. He didn't want to hurt him. Didn't want to make him cry. "Focus on getting better, first. You have a tendency to rush into things. Please just try to rest. You're not in any position to stand at the alter, to do tours of houses, to keep up with a child. You're going to stay in bed, you're going to take it easy, and you're going to heal. And then we'll figure out what we can do about your Transcendence, and once we work that out, we'll move on to the next thing. One step at a time."
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Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 11:04 am
Nick knew he had said too much. He knew he had been stupid to say any of this…and if he had been just a little smarter, this wouldn’t be happening right now.
Though. If he had just been a little smarter, he wouldn’t have put himself in a situation where this happened. He would have been content with Arias and life would have been as close to perfect as he was destined to get.
Maybe he could look into houses. Maybe he could look into adopting on his own. But. Surprising Arias with a house or a child wasn’t the right way to go about things. He did think too big. He didn’t know how to control himself when it came to his impulses…and perhaps that was the biggest issue that he had.
“…Do you want…to go to couples counseling? Or should…should I see a counselor? Do you think that would help me, Arias?” His voice was soft, raw with emotions that he wasn’t used to feeling. Shame, doubt. Pain that he couldn’t quite cope with.
“…It’s difficult for me to do one step at a time…I…I’m not sure that I know how but…I’ll try. Please…please don’t give up on me…on…on us. Not yet…please.” He leaned his head into the male’s hand. “…I don’t deserve it, but please…give us one last chance…” His throat constricted then and Nick tried to draw in a breath, tried to force back the lump that was threatening to erupt into sobs.
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Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 11:20 am
"I'm not breaking up with you," Arias said, just smoothing out his hair. "Just breathe. I don't want you to hurt yourself. Slow breaths, try to relax. You're just hurting yourself if you get upset."
His voice was even, reassuring, but undeniably tired. Physically drained, emotionally drained.
"I don't know what we should do. I don't know what would help. We can look up options."
The idea of couples counselling just made him sad. He'd try it. He probably wasn't as innocent as he thought he was in this. Maybe there was something he was doing wrong and they needed someone else to tell them what was wrong. Arias was a private person, he didn't want someone digging around in his personal business. He didn't want to talk about the intimacies of a relationship. It made his stomach twist into knots and it felt like hands were wrapped around his neck, squeezing.
But, he was breathing. This was all in his head. Physically, he was fine.
One breath in, one breath out. He seemed calm enough on the outside. The rest would pass.
"Rushing into things hasn't worked out so far, Nick. And even the doctors are going to tell you to take it slow. I want you to heal, and you're going to have to take it easy to do that."
A voice in the back of his head told him that Nick just didn't want to be alone. Nick needed a relationship to function. He had to wonder if anyone would have done, or if there was something special about him.
Arias didn't feel very special.
He felt very boring, very bland, very safe. Very predictable. Maybe Nick was with him because he always forgave him.
He continued to gently stroke Nick's hair. Maybe it wasn't healthy to bury things away.
But maybe it was the only way to pretend like he had the perfect little life he had always wanted.
His voice was soft, still tired, but tender. "What do you want to do? We can work out a plan. If we're planning, at least it's moving in the right direction. And you don't have to get out of bed to do it. Okay?"
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Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 6:05 pm
“I’m…breathing.” Came the half strangled words and Nick shuddered and hissed in pain as he ended up giving a sob. “I’m fine. I…I want to get therapy.” He was trembling slightly, and for a moment, the world seemed to spin around him. Nick closed his eyes and leaned back against the pillows.
“…Thank you for staying with me…waking up with you beside me…helps…have you gotten any sleep? Can…you sleep now?”
Perhaps talking wasn’t the best option right now. Perhaps just resting. Feeling better first. They could figure out the future when it came.
If it came.
“…Thank you for sticking by me…I don’t thank you enough for always being here.” He didn’t do a lot of things enough. “…You think. There’s someone out there who does therapy for people who have switched sides and lost half of their lives…?” He hadn’t been this bad before. At least he didn’t think he had been. He had a steady girlfriend who he had truly cared about…
Maybe he would truly do better if he had someone to talk to about everything instead of just laughing it all off and…doing things on his own.
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Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 6:38 pm
"I don't know," Arias said earnestly, voice still soft and tender as he continued to stroke Nick's hair. It wasn't the tone of someone who was rejecting the idea, though. "We can look into it. Virell might have heard something," he said, managing to say his name without any resentment or sadness. "He has that app he set up. I don't have that many people that I see when I power up. Mostly it's you and Carlee, or I'm going out by myself," he answered honestly. "I can go through my contacts and ask when I get the chance."
He leaned over and kissed Nick's forehead, brushing away the tears. "You're safe here, Nick. Please, try to relax. Any time your stomach clenches up, I know you're in pain. So please just try to take it easy for me. Please," he said again, squeezing his hand softly. "...I wasn't able to sleep, I was too worried about you. I wanted to stay up to make sure you were okay. To be here if you needed anything. I'll get some rest soon. I was just more worried about you. So don't make that all for nothing by tearing open a stitch now, okay?"
He was still so gentle to Nick; he didn't know how to be anything but. Even if he'd known how to get mad at him, he couldn't have right now.
He was tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally drained.
"...You can relax. Don't worry. If you want therapy, we'll find someone. I want you to be okay. I want you to have someone you can talk to. That you can trust with everything. Someone you don't have to keep secrets from," he said, still stroking his hair.
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Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 7:22 pm
Nick reached out a hand to Arias, mindful of the wires he was hooked up to and cupped the male’s face. “…Are you able to fit into the bed with me? Can we…take a nap together? I…I’m fine. I’m relaxed…it’s fine. I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”
He almost wished he had perished from Ashanite’s blade, if he were being honest.
“I…I’m sure I’ll feel better after some sleep. When I’m not so drugged up…maybe that’s the problem.” Maybe the problem was the medication, and not the fact that he was a cheating b*****d and something was wrong with Arias. Maybe the problem was just that he had been stabbed.
“…I am relaxed. And…I don’t need a therapist. I’ll…I’ll talk to you. I’ll be fine…I’m just. Stupid right now.” That was all. That was all there really could be.
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Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 7:40 pm
"Hush," Arias said, not quite stern, but certainly insistent. He looked at the bed for a moment, considered it, and then nodded. "I think I can fit without you moving. I'm just afraid of bumping something. Or hurting you."
He didn't want to hurt him. Not physically, not emotionally.
Arias hurt, from all of this. He didn't want to send it back to Nick. Maybe, if Nick hurt a little bit, he would realize what he had done to Arias.
...But Arias didn't wish it on him, not now. Maybe not ever, but certainly not now.
"...A therapist might help," he said as he carefully maneuvered into the bed. He was so tired. He had powered up once, while Nick was in surgery, and changed out of the bloody clothes. He had a spare pair of emergency clothes in subspace so he wasn't worried about scaring Nick, or about getting him dirty or something.
"I'm not trying to chase you away from the idea. Maybe there are things that it would be easier to talk to someone else about. I know...talking about your other relationships with me...maybe isn't ideal. Or maybe we both need to be in the right place to talk about them. Or maybe we need to talk about them with someone else there to help us."
He was so gentle getting into the bed, resting his head on the edge of the pillow. He was nearly falling off but he could have fallen asleep just like that, anyway.
"We'll sleep. We'll rest. We'll eat. You'll heal, and we'll figure out what we have to do to get you out of here and recovering at home. We can look for someone for you to talk to. Someone you can be honest with, without repercussions, or worrying about messing anything up. We'll figure out what to do about your Transcendence. Then, maybe we'll pick a date. And look at houses. And adoption. You can dream big, Nick. I just don't want you racing towards the finish line. Take small steps. So I can keep up. So we can do this together. Okay? --Are you comfortable? I can scoot over more."
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