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 Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2020 4:26 pm
Everything about him was pathetic. It wasn't self-deprecating, it was just a fact he was slowly growing to accept. Not strong enough, not charismatic enough, not social enough, not good enough. For who? Everyone? Himself? It was a sinking pit in his heart, consuming him. Every ounce of confidence was draped in in twisting vines that squeezed and squeezed and squeezed, leaving everything brittle and cracked and hurting.
He'd reached out to his friends. Friend. People.
He didn't think less of them. They were just busy. They had priority--and he got that, he did. And he felt selfish and stupid for being so needy and helpless about all of this. He was smothered in a house where he felt alone; he loved his parents, but he was still living in their house. He felt like he should be somewhere else in his life, only he felt like he was still stuck in the past.
He felt hopeless and miserable and maybe he wasn't even sure why. He was lonely and disappointed in himself, and frustrated because he'd been trying his hardest and...
And he was sitting here, feet dangling over the rooftop, crying into the palms of his hands.
It was exhausting; he'd been bottling it in for days, was going stir crazy. He was better than this, usually. He could go out and take pictures, he could write, he could do things. He was just lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to--because even if they were available, what was he supposed to say?
Instead, he sat on the rooftop and collect the tears in his hands, occasionally wiping them away on his pants or scrubbing so hard they smeared across his face. He was quiet; it was a quiet night and he didn't want to disrupt it. He just let the tears flow, let his body shake, until he didn't have any energy left. Until he was too tired to force out more.
He scrubbed at his face once more and leaned back, flopping dejectedly on the rooftop and looking up at the night sky. It was filled with stars, a sea of glitter and radiance, and he felt small and tired looking up at their magnificence.
Adria sniffled, exhausted and numb to his emotions; it was an odd, semi-cathartic state. The emotions he'd been suffocating for so long were out of him, free to evaporate and fade away until they came crashing back down on him later.
But they were gone, for now. And the sky was pretty, so he had that going for him at least.
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Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2020 1:13 pm
Kibirev didn’t like to look for fights. But she did try to look for friends. It had been such a long time since she had seen Adria, and she always looked for him, and the feeling of a white moon aura made her pause, biting her lip in a sudden nervousness. What if it was the crazy one who was trying to commit murder? That would never do…but…
If it was, she was strong enough to handle herself, she was sure.
It took a moment or two to make her way up to the top of the roof and when she saw the familiar costume and blonde braid shining in the starlight, joy flooded through her. “Adria!” The Eternal senshi ran across the rooftop and carefully flung herself at the male, laughing and feeling utterly joyful. “I’ve been hoping to run into you for ages! I’ve missed you so much! I have gifts for you, just in case I ran into you…I wanted to bring snacks but…they started going bad. I guess that subspace pockets don’t keep things fresh. It’s a shame!”
Reaching into hers she pulled out a stuffed frog that she thought was too cute for words, and a puzzle that had reminded her of his colors. She also pulled out a gift certificate to the farmers market where she worked it. If she couldn’t bring snacks…she could at least give him a way to get some.
“Ta da!” It had been over a year. Far too long. Kibi wouldn’t let that happen again if she could help it.
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Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2020 2:25 pm
The Eternal signature threw him for a loop and for a second he was uncomfortably jostled from his private moment of emotion and set into alarm for a powerful enemy who--
Who was not an enemy.
"Kibirev," he managed after a few seconds, struggling to wipe the last bit of moisture from his eyes before she had the chance to see. His eyes flickered to the gifts and he found a softness come over him, though it clashed fiercely against the loneliness and jealousy he felt.
His eyes lingered on the wings at her back and he felt his mood sink.
Left behind again. But then, it had been a year. Look how far she'd come?
"Those are new. Congratulations. And--ah, thank you. These are--these are nice," he said, accepting the gifts. "I'm--sorry it's been so long. I--got a scolding from my brother after he found us last time, I'm...I'm sorry. I tried to come back. Hoped I'd see you again, but I..."
He pressed his lips together in a quick, forced smile, and tried to smother all of his emotions, all of his thoughts. "--Ac-Actually, I have something for you. The--the book you liked."
He faltered and withdrew that--and two others out of subspace. The first was her original book, well taken care of. "You let me borrow this a long time ago. I feel...Really bad, I had it for so long and you said it was your favorite. I--I knew the sequel was coming out. I--I got it signed, by the author. If--I mean, if you already have it, that's fine. But um--the third one, too. It's--it's not supposed to...ah...I mean, it's supposed to come out in a few weeks, but I--"
He hadn't expected to see her and the gears in his mind felt like they had suddenly rusted over and he fumbled for any sort of response. "I--I...won...this...copy...in a promotion...um...I'm on a mailing list and--and I...won this, so I...I didn't know your real name and I didn't want you to wind up with something incriminating. I..."
He deflated and handed them over. "...If you still...read them, uhm...here..."
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Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2020 7:53 pm
Was he crying? Had those been tears that Kibirev had spotted in his eyes? For a moment she simply squeezed him tighter. “They are new…I think the cat that gave them to me was a little dumb…I don’t feel like I deserve them or earned them…and I still have absolutely no idea what I’m doing…I had someone asking me questions and I felt so completely and utterly stupid…”
The senshi paused when he pulled out the books from his own subspace pocket and after a moment she swallowed hard, feeling her own tears welling up. “You…you really…for me? You got an autograph from him? Adria…that’s the nicest thing ever! I knew about the third one coming out, I already have it preordered! I’m still going to buy it, I want him to get the sales! Oh…this is amazing!”
Kibirev felt warm all over and hugged the books to her chest, excited to begin reading the third one, and to put the other two on her shelf. She had already replaced her copy of The Light on Lake Litwick And she was terribly excited to have her real copy back.
“What website were you on for the promotion? I need to enter that! Is there a fan club do you think? Oh, I would give anything to shake his hand…these are the best books I’ve ever read…thank you so much!”
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Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2020 8:15 pm
He laughed a little, part for societal expectations and partly because he was stalling for an answer. "I don't know about a fan club, more just...little pockets. I...I just got lucky. Right place, right time." He was certain she'd see right through it; he wasn't the best liar. Good at his private little secrets, no matter how badly he wanted to scream that it was him, to take credit for doing something, to be acknowledged.
His lips pressed in a thin line and his eyes drifted away as he forced a little smile. His eyelids felt tired and he could feel the faint puffiness from earlier. It was nice to see her smile; he couldn't help but wonder if he hadn't just gone crazy and she was some figment of his imagination.
"He's kind of reclusive. I--it was...jumping through hoops, I...but I'm glad you like it. Um--nondisclosure and all...not allowed to post about it online or anything until after the release. Um. Please," he added, in a somewhat small voice.
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Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2020 1:37 pm
Kibirev nodded eagerly. “Little pockets…I’ll have to start really looking into it. You’re so lucky! I really think he’s my favorite author in the world though. I really, truly do.” She held the books close and then put them back into her subspace pocket. “There’s no way I’d go blabbing about it on the internet! But when the book is realeased, let me tell you, I’ll be spreading the news for everyone to go out and buy it. My brother has been annoyed with all of my talking about it, though I think he really likes that I have something that makes me so happy.”
Biting her lip, the senshi sighed. “How are you doing though, Adria? I really have missed you, and I’m really glad that you’re here now and we can be friends again! I…I could talk with your brother, you know. See if maybe I can’t get him to understand that you and I are just friends…and then maybe he’d let us hang out some more…”
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Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2020 1:57 pm
Adria wore a soft smile as she held the books, as she talked about how much she liked them. He wished he were in a better mood so he could enjoy the kind words--appreciate them. He repeated them a few times so he could try and draw on them when he wasn't feeling like he was in such a rut. When she asked how he was doing it was just instinctive to look away, like he knew his eyes were too easy to read.
He wasn't a very good liar but he didn't know how to tell the truth, not for this. "No, I...I wouldn't recommend trying to talk to my brother. He sort of makes up his mind about something and it's impossible to change. Besides, he and I have an arrangement. He...he promised not to tell...anyone in my Court that I was..."
He faltered. "...You know. Fraternizing. But--you know. It's. He won't notice. I haven't even seen him in a month or two, now. He's been busy. You know, with his...other family. The..."
Adria had to force a shrug. "He's probably not going to pop up again. I have a better idea of where he patrols now, these days. And he usually goes out with a Senshi, and they're both pretty strong so it's hard to miss the both of them. They're practically inseparable. Sometimes there's even three of them, two eternals and him. So I--"
He had to clear his throat and just shrugged. "...He's probably not a problem anymore. And I can see a lot from up here. Worst comes to worst, I'd just...shoot back up to my homeworld before he could see us together, yeah?" he offered, forcing a smile even though he wouldn't look at her.
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Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2020 11:22 pm
Kibirev watched him carefully, frowning slightly. He wasn’t answering her question and he seemed as though he were avoiding her gaze. Had she done something wrong? For a moment, she felt a cold chill, worried that she would end up losing this precious friend of hers. Even if they hadn’t seen one another in far too long…they had both clearly been thinking of each other…and that meant that they were close friends…
So why the secrets?
After a moment, her own eyes dropped and she worked through his words in her mind.
Was he upset that he wasn’t an eternal? He had commented on her wings…and then brought it up again…
“…Did you think of keeping tuna in your subspace pocket? Maybe if you find a guardian cat and feed it…it’ll help you become eternal too…” She hesitated and looked up at him.
“…Can I see your homeworld one day? That sounds neat.”
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 6:25 am
He laughed softly, a little surprised by the comment. "...Do you keep tuna in your subspace?" he asked, glancing back at her. He was still tense but it didn't seem like she was the cause--he was just stressed. "...I know a Guardian Cat, anyway. He lives with one of my friends, in the Court. The one dating my brother."
He hadn't talked to him. It was a deep, burning hole in the pit of his stomach, a jealousy and despair that he hated, that he was afraid of, and at the end of the day it always just came crumbling back down on him.
It wasn't anyone else's fault, he just wasn't enough.
His eyes returned to the sky, wondering where up there his world was hiding. He had no doubt in his mind that he couldn't see it, that it didn't compete with any of the bigger, brighter stars.
...But it was up there, somewhere. Doing its best.
"I can take you to my homeworld sometime. I've been a few times. It's pretty. There's a beach, really soft sand. There are two suns. It's probably not a big surprise that it always seems to be sunset over there. There's no one else there, so...I don't now. It doesn't feel lonely, I don't think. It just feels like...a warm dream."
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 5:32 pm
“I don’t keep it with me often…I’ve thought about it though. I do like cats regardless if they have stars on their heads or not. Though…the last one I met was kind of rude…”
Kibi pursed her lips and shook her head at the thought and seemed thoughtful at his words. “…If you need help getting stronger, I can always help fight you, get you stronger than any of them if you want. I can help with whatever you need, Adria and…thank you…when can we go? The idea of…seeing space…is kind of neat! I can bring dinner, if you want! I don’t mind paying in food! And maybe we can bring some cards or something and just…have a party?”
It sounded like fun…and maybe she could find a way to really cheer Adria up if she had a party for him. “I can bring all of your favorite foods if you tell me what they are!”
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 5:47 pm
"Oh--I'm not a picky eater. I just...don't like spinach very much." He could barely smell it without gagging, but that always sounded like a bit extreme of a warning. "You don't have to bring anything. We could just get some subs and a bag of chips if you want to do dinner."
Still, he seemed somewhat touched that she would offer. There was still a tired, sad look in his eye even if a small smile had moved in.
"I don't really have anything planned. Maybe in a few days, ah...so you can read that book? I don't want to encroach on that. I have a flexible schedule."
He didn't ever really have plans.
"...But I have to ask...was it...so obvious? That...that I wanted to get stronger?"
He wasn't looking at her; his eyes had fallen to the rooftop, where he was tracing obscure shapes with his finger, too unwilling to make eye contact while he asked.
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 7:05 pm
“Subs and chips sound good to me! I can do that. What do you like on your sandwiches then? Or should I surprise you, but no spinach! I don’t like it either. My father used to force me to eat it…I don’t like spinach or beets. They are both like. Trigger vegetables to me.”
Kibirev gave a somewhat stupid smile and shrugged. “It won’t take me long to read the book, I’m sure in a few days I’ll have read it at least three or four times…I hope you’ve read it too, we can discuss it!” Honestly she would like nothing more than that.
After a moment she gave a sad smile, shrugging. “You commented on my upgrade and looked kind of sad about it…and you kept mentioning that your friends were eternals…and you sounded kind of bitter about that…if there’s one thing I know…it’s sadness and bitterness. I go through it a lot too. Please let me know how I can help…I’ll kidnap a cat if I have to…make it help you.”
Putting a hand on his shoulder, Kibirev squeezed lightly, trying to give whatever comfort that she could.
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 7:32 pm
Any thought of food or his book sort of flickered away. Adria deflated, head hanging and hunching forward a bit as he sat next to her.
"...I've been a senshi for four and a half years," he said finally, quietly. "...We...we rescued this guy. He'd been turned into a youma. And we purified him from that. And then a few months later, he gets turned into a Senshi. Joins our Court. My..."
He exhaled and drew his legs closer, feeling stupid and whiny and pathetic. "...My friend...I had been with her when we started our Court. But...she was busy, helping this guy. Because he'd been a youma for a while, he needed help. She was just being a good person, a good friend. So she was spending a lot of time with him. He needed her."
For someone supposed to be so good at telling stories, he realized he was flopping around a lot.
"...I have to start over."
He inhaled, and gave the extremely abbreviated version: "The youma that we purified had a bonded Negaverse Agent. After we purified him, the agent. Almost killed me. I was in the hospital for a while. So I was out, recovering. And I was...kind of messed up. I'm still kind of messed up."
He just tried to think about it less and less these days.
"....And while I was gone, I guess. Everyone got attached to the new guy. And then, it turns out he was a Senshi. So...it took him...you know, a year. To be awakened and make it to Eternal. I barely talk to anyone else in the group."
Mostly just Lysithea, but even now he knew it had been days since their last text.
"...I think they all moved on without me. If we're being completely honest. I don't remember the last time anyone asked to go patrolling with me. I don't..."
He swallowed. "...I'm not even sure...if they aren't still meeting up, just...without me. And I..."
Adria didn't know what to say. "...They don't need me. And even if they did, I'm only a Super Senshi. And maybe I need to fight. I just. I don't want to wind up in the hospital again. Alone. Recovering home. Alone. I just. And even if I don't get myself killed, I get so worked up after fighting--so I'll go home, alone, and just. Take sleeping medicine until I calm down? I don't even...I don't even have anyone to talk to. So of course I'm not going to get stronger, I don't do anything. Why would anyone waste their time with me. I don't even have a purpose here. I don't even know why I power up, I don't even know why I try. I don't even--"
He faltered, and then felt incredibly stupid.
"...I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. Just...I want to take it back," he mumbled. "...Maybe we can just. Forget it and go back to talking about subs and chips..."
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 7:57 pm
Kibirev listened to the story and felt a little sick, her arm migrating so that it was around his shoulders somewhere in the middle of everything, her head resting against him as well, trying to provide all of the comfort that she was capable of. “…You’re telling me all of it because I asked. And it’s been building up for a long, long time. I can see that. It’s horrible when things build up for such a long time…it eats at you and poisons you. And then your thoughts start attacking you and you can’t manage to do anything without feeling like you’d just rather be…I don’t know. No longer existing.”
It was something she had kept to herself, and even now she wondered if it had been the right thing to say…but it was easy to understand how alone Adria felt. Hadn’t she lost all of her friends too? First Bea and then December? Even now, she was sure that Blair would end up just walking out of her life…thank goodness she had her brother.
“I…am a very needy person. And I would love to patrol with you, Adria. I’m not…strong. Or confident…and if we run into someone on the other side…we can just pretend to be fighting one another…or I can take you through a mirror and get us out of there…either way…we’ll both feel like we’re doing something and we can know that we each have at least one friend who…understands. Everything.”
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 8:04 pm
Adria didn't want to agree, didn't want to admit that he felt so hopeless and frustrated, but her arm around him--reassuring--made it hard to offer any argument against it. She seemed like she understood, even if he felt horrible--like he was airing dirty laundry that should have been kept private.
He offered a tired, unconvincing, smile. "...Yeah," he agreed. "...I'm just...tired of feeling like I'm alone. I want things to go back to the way they used to be, but I...I don't want anyone to be in a worse place because of it. It's not like I want him to go back to being a youma, or for my friend to be anguishing about losing someone important to her, or--I don't want those things. I just..."
His head hung a little. "...I miss when she would call me. When we would have sleepovers. When I got invited to go places with her. I just...I feel like I got left behind and I..."
He had to reach up and rub at his eyes again, trying not to let any moisture gather. "...I just miss my friends. And I...I just don't think they miss me. And I don't know what to do anymore."
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