Quote:
You can meet many people throughout the year. Some you remember fondly and still greet and see to this day. Others… Well, animosity can grow, even when one doesn’t mean it. Perhaps it is the strong scent of pine and cinnamon in the air as you walk down a snowy path, or the twinkling lights above you that glitter and dance in the dim light of sunset, somehow a sense of regret fills your heart. Whether it is the desire to forgive, or the desire to be forgiven, you feel the desire to reach out to someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time. A long overdue talk is needed. But it is up to you to respond to that burden on your heart.
Why did winter always have to bring out emotions he didn’t want to deal with? Why did it make him feel nostalgic and want to reach out for the unattainable? To find the one person who hated him and yet featured in so many childhood memories, from when he was still innocent and clueless. Why did the smell of pine and the chill in the air make him want to find his mother? To wish her well and make sure she was surviving in some safe place, away from Destiny City.
Xi-Wang knew she didn’t care for him, and likely never had, but he couldn’t help but care for her and think of her this time of year. He knew it was pointless to try and reach out to her, he’d tried that already once, but he still wanted to reach out and find her somehow.
He didn’t want to send a gift or talk to her he just...he just wanted to see that she was doing well and to wish her a happy holiday, even if she wouldn’t wish him one in return. He didn’t care to meet the child she’d adopted, no doubt they’d be perfect in his mothers eyes, he didn’t think he could handle seeing his replacement. That was exactly what the little adopted girl his mother had was - his replacement. Someone she had gotten to be everything she’d wanted with him but couldn’t have because he was the wrong gender, and it all went down from there.
Grabbing a bag of rice, they were almost out at home, Xi-Wang carefully dumped it into the shopping cart and continued with what he was doing. The whole while he did wonder if he shouldn’t find someone, anyone, who might know where his mother was and just send her a message. Even if she never returned it at least he’d been the bigger person? At least he’d reached out to her and proven that despite everything she thought bad about him he wasn’t any of it and that he could, in some small way, forgive her for everything she’d done.
Did he want to though? Did he want to be the bigger person? Did he even need to? She’d done wrong and he’d done what he could for her for years, conformed to everything she’d wanted him to be. Short of changing his gender, just to please her, he’d done everything and it had never been enough. Did he owe her anything? No. Did he need to do something kind, even if it was small, for her?
He didn’t need to do anything and he’d already tried to reach out and give her well wishes on her birthday. That had failed so why try and do something nice for her now? Why try and reach out again? It wouldn’t matter and even if his message reached her, somehow, she wouldn’t respond. It made him feel obsessive perhaps? Some might call it that, though it wasn’t really a term he’d use, and she might not like having her son try and reach out to her. She didn’t like him after all. So yeah...he’d leave her alone and move on with his life. No more trying.
Word Count: 538
