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You can meet many people throughout the year. Some you remember fondly and still greet and see to this day. Others… Well, animosity can grow, even when one doesn’t mean it. Perhaps it is the strong scent of pine and cinnamon in the air as you walk down a snowy path, or the twinkling lights above you that glitter and dance in the dim light of sunset, somehow a sense of regret fills your heart. Whether it is the desire to forgive, or the desire to be forgiven, you feel the desire to reach out to someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time. A long overdue talk is needed. But it is up to you to respond to that burden on your heart.
There was a strange, yet not unwelcomed sort of peace that came with winter, one that Landry found himself to deeply enjoy. The whole world becomes muffled when the white settles in, and left him cold and achy, the air leaving him with such a deep chill, he could not truly comprehend if he’d be able to shake it off.
And yet he loved it all the same.
Every year he craved the snow, the quiet that came with it. Even now as he left the studio behind him after finishing a day’s work, it was easy to simply leave the building, then shut out everything and anything that was bothering him. There was a little something different though this year. While before, when he would lose himself in his journeys out into the snow to be alone, his mind could not settle.
It wasn’t entirely awful. The thoughts he had did not unpleasantly linger in his mind like the aftertaste of a vial of poison.
No, the thoughts were soft… Warm hands in his, a smile, the sweet sound of a voice reassuring him that it was alright to feel. Memories of a time when he could find himself happy without the burden of the world around him.
Landry was certainly no fool. He knew the clock could not simply rewind, turning back to the times when he was filled with the innocent bliss created by pure love and kindness. Then again, he never was entirely that sort of person to allow himself such feelings easily. Whether it was guilt, or a need to focus on other things, or just a bitter coldness that settled into his heart didn’t really matter. After all, things were changing. Memories deeply buried were beginning to bubble up.
And the silence continued around him. A glow from a passing car slowly making its way through the white surrounded him, but the sound never seemed to register in his mind. The world remained quiet, as if telling him over and over again that it was time to think. No one else was around after all. No one poked or prodded him into conversation, or begging for his attention and participation. It was a welcomed distraction, and his trailing thoughts continued to come and go.
The direction he headed was familiar, yet foreign, dancing on the edge of his memory. He traveled a route that he knew he had gone down before, but when? Had he buried it so deeply that it he had forgotten…? A soft scoff left his lips, rolling his eyes at the very thought that he could forget something so carelessly.
And yet he did. When he came across that archway that lead into the all too familiar graveyard he’d come to know, he froze on spot.
How? Why? None of it made sense. The studio was no where near this place, and yet here he was.
And he hesitated… Years and years had passed since the last time he set foot in this place. Part of him wanted to forget about it, to bury those memories the same way those bodies had been buried.
Letting go had always been incredibly hard for him though… It was easier to ignore all of his problems than simply come to terms with them. But tonight was different. Tonight, the hesitation passed, and before he realized it, he stood before an ornate statue of an angel, looming over two headstones nearly buried in snow.
It took some time to dig them out, hands trembling, and knees wet from the melted snow, but there they were… Two names he hadn’t thought about in months. A mother and father he didn’t realized he missed until he saw those names carved into the freezing cold stone.
What to say? What to think? Just how did he end up here in the first place…?
“…It’s been a while, hasn’t it...?” Landry’s voice finally broke through the silence. This was an awful idea. Foolish, and childish and absolutely absurd… And yet here he was, kneeling in the snow. “I… I suppose I should start off with an apology, for not coming to see you sooner… Though if I am honest, I don’t know if you’d really want me coming here… Not that you wouldn’t want me here, per se, but more of… It’s a rather morbid place…”
The headstone gave no answer. Of course it wouldn’t… But he remained all the same, settling down in a more comfortable position against a snowy mound that had formed.
“You always told me I could tell you anything… Well, I’m here to tell you everything. Since I figure there’s no need to receive advice, I figure, perhaps you’d just liked to hear… Though, with how the city is, I almost expect you to come out and nod just as you used to.” It was far too cold to cry, even as Landry could feel his chest tightening, and that tell-tale lump in his throat forming.
Once he began, he found it near impossible to stop. Countless memories poured out at once, all starting from after the night his parents passed away. Cathartic couldn’t begin to describe how it felt to break open the bottle he had been holding so very close to his chest and pour it out at once. Even now, as his memories flooded forth, he could imagine his father’s smile, his nod and the occasional ‘oh really’ that would come as he listened, often times while they worked together over a mix of some sort and get it into the oven.
He spoke of Lori, her girlfriend and their awful meeting that left a girl in tears. And he spoke of the corruption of his soul that night when Lori forced his hand. It took some time, but he even spoke of his acceptance of that awful turn of fate. He didn’t want to be in the Negaverse, and hated how he was forced into it, but… There were some good things that came from it. She grew more independent, and in turn, so did he. Landry still wasn’t kind, or outgoing, or generous, but he was getting there slowly. His own twisted form of kindness that stemmed from a strange primal urge to care for something.
He went on and on about every little thing that came to mind, occasionally stopping, as if letting the ghosts that clearly were not there process his words. Whatever residual heartache or pain that came with his words slowly seemed to wash away, to the point where he felt empty. Pleased, exhausted, and empty of the guilt he had carried for so very long.
The sun was quickly setting and going through every thing that popped into his mind had him sitting out there for hours. Even his shoulders were covered with snow by the time he finally had his story told up to the present.
“… The last few months have been exceptionally strange but… I think you’d be happy to know that I’m happy. And… Well, you always said that there was no reason why I shouldn’t allow myself to feel that way, right? I can’t say for certain if you’d approve of my happiness but… I know that you’d come to love him just as much as you love Lori and me… And I’ll keep trying to be that person someone wouldn’t want to lose. I won’t make any promises and say I’ll bring him to see you, that’s far too… Dreadful, given the death around and what not, but… You know. Magic, chaos, all that nonsense. Perhaps you will… Perhaps I’ll see you again sometime…” Landry stood, brushing the snow from his coat. He could feel just how icy his hands had become, and that craving of solitude slipped away. There had been plenty of time to feel alone…
"... I want to say at the very least.... Mom, Dad... I can smile now... Not one that comes from enjoying pain, or pettiness, but one that you'd be impressed by. The way I used to smile at you. It took a long time but... I'm sure you understand. Better late than never, right? Ah, I miss him even now..." Now he craved companionship, and the warm arms of someone who loved him unconditionally. How strange it was to feel that way, when not even a year ago he was just as cold and isolation as the snow itself could be…
He knew he was changing, growing with each passing moment, but that too was fine. And honestly, even he knew it was about time too. What point was there in being so cold all the time, especially if it didn’t make him happy?
“I don’t know when I’ll be back but when I do, I’m sure I’ll have more to tell. I'll be certain it doesn't take me nearly eight years this time.” It was a whispered promise, one that he would most certainly not forget this time.
With a final brush of snow away from the face of the tombstone, and perhaps a little dusting of the family's guardian angel, Landry took a step back. One last smile. One last little thought. Then he turned from it, and headed back out of the graveyard, phone in hand to call the man he so longed for and hope he could come by sooner rather than later.
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