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 Posted: Sun Dec 22, 2019 1:03 pm
It hadn't been very long, had it?
Which seemed... odd. It somehow felt like they'd been through something substantial together already. Though their friendship had started not so dissimilarly than any other online relationship Nataniel may had made, December's boldness had led it to progress forward in ways that Nat would not have invited of his own will. They had met up at a cafe (which Nat wouldn't have suggested). They'd spent the night together (which Nat doubted he would have even agreed to... if he'd been sober). They'd faced an absurd alien plant alongside each other (which Nataniel could scarcely even fathom). And... December- Fettelite- had, in some regards, invited him into his crazy world of magic and war and... consequences and hurt...
It was, of course, a lot for Nataniel to take in, and if it had been coming from only December, it may have been difficult to fully comprehend... It felt so strangely like they had scaled a mountain together in the span of just over a month that they'd known each other. It was more than Nat had done with most anyone else over the course of his lifetime...
So even if it initially seemed odd to Nat, that he would have a younger man over at his house, in his room, playing Final Fantasy on Nat's laptop while he played from his own desktop, maybe it wasn't all that strange, in the end...
But December was... more outgoing than Nataniel was. It suited Nat just fine to sit at home on his computer, eat a quiet dinner by himself (or sometimes with Gabriel, who was also a good heap more outgoing than Nat and so tended to not be at home as often), and go to bed early so that he could wake up early. He had Dusk to keep him company during the week and then made his customary forays to the bar for companionship of the more intimate variety on the weekend. Nat needed little else.
But he expected that someone like December might grow bored with sitting at home. The other boy certainly had energy than more than just video games.
There was a problem, though.
Nataniel didn't go out often. But when he did, he carried himself rather strictly. He wasn't excitable or boisterous. Certainly never loud. He dressed well- not formally, but cleanly, decisively, things that accentuated his form and looked nice together, without being overbearingly flashy. Just neat.
December... didn't.
Nataniel didn't blame him for it. December was still so young, and their priorities concerning attire didn't need to match. But Nat would be lying if he said he wasn't just a fraction embarrassed to be standing next to December in his faded tshirts and oversized, holey shorts. If December wanted ever to do anything outside the house, something would have to change.
It happened that Nat was changing the armor on his Final Fantasy avatar when he brought it up. "I thought we might go to the movies this weekend," he commented off-handed, gaze still focused on the screen. It was something he did only sparingly, but for all that he didn't often like to go out, Nat didn't mind sitting in a nice, dark theater where no one else would disturb him.
And there were a few things coming out he wouldn't mind seeing, though eh didn't know what December's level of interest would be.
"Perhaps we could go to dinner either before or after, if you are interested."
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Posted: Thu Dec 26, 2019 9:03 am
Time was always a complicated thing for December to wrap his head around.
Some days felt like eternity, others passed with the blink of an eye. When he was younger, there would be times when he'd be locked in his house for days on end, only being allowed out to wash and relieve himself, only to be tucked away again in that room when things were deemed 'too dangerous'.
It was far too easy for the days to meld into one another, and with so many things happening so quickly for him, it was easier to just not think about it.
After all, with the state of things, he was happy. Happier than he had ever been, even with his General slowly but surely tightening his reigns on him.
All of that never even mattered when he was with Nataniel. If December had one good thing about him, it was that he wouldn't let his mind wander too far when with someone he cared about. It made being around the older man easy, comfortable, and just fun to do. Even now, when they sat at different screens, eyes off of one another, it felt natural.
Natural, until Nataniel broke the silence between them, and it took a second to register what was said.
"Hehe... That sounds like a date, you know!" Whatever they had between them, did that count as dating? Nah, it was best not to think about it. "What movie do you think we'd see? And... What would we go eat? Did you want to choose, or...?"
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Posted: Fri Dec 27, 2019 11:57 am
"I suppose it is," Nataniel answered, swiveling in his chair to face his bed, and December atop it. "A date is just an appointment to keep, after all. So, in that regard, we have had dates before." None quite so planned that involved being out of his home for any too-extensive period of time. But the cafe was a date, and anytime Nat had given December a time to show up at his apartment was, technically, a date...
The only time they'd been out and about together willingly, planned, was the cafe, though. And Nat had hardly known what to expect of this boy, then. He was more familiar with what he might need to be prepared for, now.
He minimized the game so that he could instead look up what might be playing sometime in the next week. "The Lion King will be on," he offered, expecting that might be something December would enjoy. "Or Spider Man." Nataniel severely doubted December would be interested in anything scary, and there was an unreasonably high amount of those out in July, for some reason. "The Farewell is a 'dramedy,' which I expect is exactly what it sounds like... I thought there would be more. Summer is movie season, is it not?"
It probably wasn't terribly relevant what the movie was. Nataniel cared more that the theater was comfortable, and he would prefer they went when it wasn't too busy so that he wouldn't need to be worried over how inhibited he would be from touching.
"I have always found Italian places to be best if I want to eat out. They have all those pasta options that I really enjoy, and not everything is slathered in pork fat and gravy."
His gaze traveled coolly to December, settling on his baggy shirt and shirt. "Do you have anything decent to wear, if I were to take you out?"
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2019 10:25 am
"Whaaa? No, no, even I know dates are supposed to be like, romantic and everything." For some reason, just the thought of what they were doing actually being a date made him sit up straight instead of lounging around on the bed like before. "Like, dates are when you hold hands and share fancy couple's snacks and maybe kiss at the end or something."
He could go on and on and on, really, all those dramas that he watched with Boon Nam forced him into a really weird perspective on dating. Most of which didn't really make all that much sense, if he were to deeply think about it.
Which, of course, he did not. And of course, he was just as quickly distracted by movie choices, food, and the talk of clothing.
"Is there nothing scary on? I like horrors and mysteries too, if you want to see something like that. I don't get nightmares from them, swear." It was true. The real world was way scarier than any dumb movie.
"That all sounds really good... I like the idea of pasta but..." December knew very well he wasn't the neatest looking. The clothes he could really afford were always from Good Will, and even then, it was hard to find something in his size that didn't make him look like a preteen or something. "I guess I should go shopping then, huh? I think Good Will is open pretty late, so I can check for something nicer before then."
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Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2019 3:14 pm
"I disagree," Nataniel stated dismissively. "While I expect some dates may be like that, not all of them are." He wondered if December had some oddly romanticized expectation for more than just 'dates.' Hand holding? Couple snacks? A kiss 'at the end?' It was kind of what he imagined a young girl watching princess movies might anticipate her first 'date' to be like... And he and December had already shared snacks, held hands, and kissed. It seemed odd to even bother mentioning that these were what made a 'date' a date.
Turning back to his computer, he scrolled to the top of the list of what was playing and beckoned the younger man over to him. "It seems like there are fewer to choose from than I expected," Nat admitted. "But you can pick your preference. I am mostly indifferent."
Which wasn't something Nataniel could say he felt towards December's wardrobe.
He knew since the other man didn't have an actual paying job that money was tight, and he hardly blamed December for that, though... He did a bit. It shouldn't be that hard to bag groceries or bus tables. And even if December's general was somewhat unpredictable, the Negaverse seemed to do most of its operations at night. It shouldn't keep December from having a morning job, and he didn't have classes to work around.
But since most of Nataniel's money came from scholarships or his mother, he supposed he had little room to complain about anyone not having a job.
He sighed. "I have never seen you wear anything you looked good in," Nataniel told him bluntly, as he expectantly held out a hand for December to join him. "Which is... quite a shame, really, since I expect you could look very nice, if you tried a bit harder."
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Posted: Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:10 am
"Huh... Well, I've never been on a date that was a like, really confirmed romantic outing thing, so I guess I was thinking about something that only happens on TV. I used to watch alot of romantic comedies and dramas on TV with my old friend. They always followed the same kinda formula. But I know TV isn't like the real world... Oh well." He wasn't going to dwell on it, and got up to lean his chin on Nat's shoulder as he looked at the screen.
"Spiderman sounds good. It's pretty action-y, and I like the man who plays Spiderman." It was easy enough to pick that out. Clothes though, that was harder.
"... Money's tight, you know? I've been saving up what little money I get from the Negaverse as a stipend to get my own little apartment or something here in the city. It'd be nice to have a home here... I never really thought about clothes though. As long as I'm not naked, I'm happy. Does it really look that bad?"
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Posted: Tue Feb 04, 2020 10:22 am
Had Nat ever been on a date that was a confirmed romantic outing? He tipped his head in thought as December stepped near to rest his chin against Nataniel's shoulder, simultaneously leaving room for the younger man to do just that. He had been on 'dates' in high school, he supposed. With a girl. His mother had been so thrilled to drive him to the mall, to the movies, to restaurants...
But none after that. Never with another man. By the time Nataniel had felt bolder in that department, his trust in the success of 'dates' had diminished significantly. It was easier and more to the point to find his engagements on the spot, do what he wanted to do, and then mostly forget the other individual had ever existed. There was no time to set up 'dates,' and no point besides.
They somehow felt even more intimate than just having a quick bang with someone he didn't know...
"I do not watch TV very often," he murmured softly. "Seldom anything that involves romance..." But Nataniel still understood the gist of it. You were supposed to dress nice and go somewhere enjoyable, and be sweet. That was what his mother had told him to do with the girl, anyway. And certainly what his father had done with Mikali, if their stories were anything to go by. Movies seemed like a good starting point, anyway. "I will buy the tickets." He set to doing just that.
"It does look bad," Nataniel confirmed with a nod. "And I am doubtful it plays no part in why you are unsuccessful at getting a job, and it certainly would not look good to any prospective renters... Though I bet there are income restricted apartments somewhere in the city that would give you a better chance in finding a place outside of the barracks to reside... Hm." None of that was the point of why he had brought it up, though. "Most importantly to me, it is embarrassing to be seen with you while you dress so shoddily. I put a lot of effort into looking presentable, and it is an obvious juxtaposition when you look like... That." He didn't think he had to gesture with anything more than his eyes to get the point across.
With tickets purchased and sent to his email, he clicked off the theater website and to one of his more preferred shopping sites. "Here," Nataniel moved to stand, offering the seat to December. "You can look through this site and pick out a few nice things you like. I will tell you if they are acceptable or not."
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Posted: Sat Feb 15, 2020 6:45 am
”Well, Watching TV isn’t the same as real life, so it’s nothing to worry about at all.” December highly doubted Nataniel cared much about the opinions of something like that anyway, so he was sure it would just be brushed away. And knowing it was that simple, it was easy to simply press a kiss to the man’s cheek and then pull away, flopping over.
Until that seat was offered over to him.
“... I’m embarrassing to you? Just clothing wise, right? The rest of me isn’t embarrassing, is it? I can just stay home if you want...” It was easy to just hide his appearance by just not leaving the house at all. His personality though, that was significantly harder. That had been deeply ingrained into him, and just... Well, what made him, him.
If Nataniel was embarrassed by that, maybe they should just stay home.
But ignoring that thought, he did as he was told, going through the website slowly. “... I like the colors for the women’s clothes. Is that okay?”
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Posted: Wed Feb 19, 2020 12:49 pm
It wasn't like they often went out together, Nataniel tried to reason as he mulled over his feelings concerning December's question. He shifted his weight as he stood, propping a palm on his computer desk and idely watching the other man scroll through clothing options. Because of how infrequently they were in public together, Nat shouldn't feel any surmountable degree of embarrassment. There was hardly anyone to be embarrassed around.
He thought of leaving December with Gabriel while Nat attended classes. It wasn't the worst thought. They were both fairly young, with socialite Gabriel having more experience with peoples' various states of mental aptitude. He was surely at least somewhat familiar with someone like December's... helpless, childlike and naive approach to the world.
...Then he thought of Elijah and Noah, the pair he went out to the bar with on the weekends. They were a more boisterous pair, with occasional flippant abandon of respect and a judgemental wit Nat was too familiar with, while under the influence of intoxication. He only barely considered him friends. They existed in his life as a buffer to help ease him into social activities that could fulfill his needs. Their opinions shouldn't matter.
But they did.
The thought of them laughing at December's boyish features, exaggerated by the oversized and unkempt garments he wore and the thoughtless abandon of rationality filled Nat with... Not irritation, as he might have been prepared to accept. But dread, a tight and frigid sensation that coiled through his abdomen.
His fingers curled against the wood of the desk, and he glanced away. "...I do not feel capable of expressing what I find embarrassing that could be fixed, beyond this," he muttered stiffly. Nataniel wondered if this had been a conversation he wanted to breach, at all. They rarely left his apartment together. It shouldn't have mattered. His hand dragged off the desk as he moved back toward his bed to sit. "Just... pick whatever you want."
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Posted: Sun Feb 23, 2020 12:11 pm
”You make it sound like that I really am just embarrassing all over, and you don’t want to say it.” December stopped his scrolling and pulled away from the computer to better look at Nataniel. Despite it hurting to have such a noncommittal answer like that, he didn’t want to back down and away from the subject.
He was trying to be better, and part of that was trying to stand up for himself, even if it was against Nat.
“If you think I’m awful, then just say it, you know? I can’t get better or fix what’s disappointing you if I don’t know exactly what it is.” He stood now, ignoring the computer, and flopped down on the bed, head turned to continue to stare at Nataniel expectantly, waiting for an answer.
“I don’t care about what I wear. I never have, I can’t really change that about me. But I do care about what you think about me. And since clothing and looking ‘good’ is important to you, then you can dress me up however it pleases you. Then I can go from there and make better choices based on your tastes. But I hope maybe somewhere there’s something you like about me that I don’t have to change.”
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Posted: Tue Feb 25, 2020 9:33 am
'You don't want to say it.'
'Just say it.'
The corner of Nataniel's lip curled, twisting up just slightly as his lids pinched and fingers crimped where they lay in his lap, against the fabric of his pants. His gaze roved after the younger man as he flopped to the bed at Nat's side. December behaved like a child. He didn't hear what pleased him, so he turned petulant and surrendered the opportunity for what Nat would consider an enjoyable task. His gaze flitted to the computer and back, almost silently willing the boy to get up and do what Nat had asked him to.
But he didn't, so Nataniel sighed softly and eased down to lay on his back, fingers folded over his abdomen as he focused on the ceiling. "Do you think I would refuse to acknowledge something I believed to be true?" He queried lightly. "I told you what I felt, in terms suited to what I believe is expressible when concerning the intangible and erratic nature of... feelings..."
He turned his head, focus shifting from the ceiling to December's face.
"You are not perfect. I hope I never implied otherwise. I am not offended by your imperfection, but I am... caught, I suppose, between wanting to see some will. Some spine. Some dedication to betterment because it is what you want." His voice lowered marginally, not quite a whisper, but a soft, continuous rumble as he spoke more to himself than to December. "...I do not understand how some people are content to settle. How could anyone not want better, how could anyone not want to surpass even their own expectations of personal limits? How. Why?"
Why, why, why.
Because it was embarrassing, watching someone who didn't care. It was embarrassing being deferred to. He wasn't December's parent. But 'why' wasn't an answer he expected to get, so he swallowed and refocused. He hadn't even completed the thought he'd been trying to say.
"...Caught between wishing you would do something for yourself... and wanting you to try for me. Not because I asked you or had to tell you, but because you know what I like, and know it would please me...." He supposed December didn't know enough about him to know what pleased him.
But he'd been trying to show him, to get December to make a few selections he thought were suitable. 'Pick out a few nice things you like. I will tell you if they are acceptable or not.' So that Nat could look through them and picked what he liked out of that. He thought it had been a good compromise. Something for both of them.
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Posted: Tue Feb 25, 2020 11:30 am
"You definitely never implied I was perfect, I can promise you that." December did not seem offended by that statement at all. A weird suspicion would be certain to grow in his heart the moment anything oddly sweet came from Nataniel's lips. The man wasn't truly a romantic, not in the way his mind always dreamed a romance would be.
Whatever he was, it was alot less fleeting than those feelings he saw on TV.
".. Maybe your ideas of what is better is different than mine. It's as simple as that. My better is already met. My clothes are clean. My clothes are mine, and that's way different than when I was growing up. And... You're kinda a mystery yourself, you know. I'm not thinking about settling but... Maybe what makes me happy and content is just, miles and miles below what makes you happy." December sat up and shifted around, crossing his legs and faced Nataniel head on. A finger reached out to pet the hair that splayed across the bed, twirling it around his finger.
"I think I am better, you know. I'm not afraid to ask something, as stupid as it may seem to anyone. Being afraid was always a big thing. I don't want to disappoint you, but I do know that the punishment for being bad at something isn't pain or violence. And I think... I can't really choose something you like if you don't tell me what you like first. Not liking something, or not having a preference isn't the same as not wanting to be 'better'. I want to be clean, and look neat, That's my choice, but how it happens... What matters to me like that is if YOU like it. So if you point out first what kinda things you like, I can build my own likes around it. It's... uh... Oh! It's like not having tried a certain veggie before. You don't really not like it, you just don't know yet. But someone can offer you a taste of something they like, and then you can make a better decision that way. Does that make sense?"
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Posted: Wed Feb 26, 2020 11:14 am
"Better cannot be 'met,'" Nataniel retorted. "It is an ever-changing state, something you can scrape at along the surface, but that you will always be reaching for, always unable to fully grasp..." He supposed there could be the 'better' of two situations, comparatively, but that didn't change that fact that from anywhere one might stand, there was always room for improvement. For 'better.'
He had to look up as December shifted to sit up, and Nataniel's dark gaze trailed after him lazily, lashes raising to hold focus on the younger man's face. "Do you believe I am unhappy?" He prompted after December's assertion that Nat's circumstances for happy were 'miles and miles' above December's own. He didn't think he was unhappy, specifically, but... He supposed he would have trouble fathoming exactly what 'content' felt like. 'Content' sounded like settling, though. He didn't want to be content. Nataniel sighed, shut his eyes, and tipped his head back to be nearer to the other man's fingers, where they twisted into his hair.
"I do not see reason for fear," he admitted quietly, eyes still closed as he murmured the words. "Likely because there is only very little reason for us to exist, and there is inevitable a time when we will not... Why spend time so temporary on fear..." December's life had been harder than his, though. Nataniel had to remember all those differences between them.
"Do you want to know what I like?"
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Posted: Wed Feb 26, 2020 11:33 am
"Maybe it can't be met, but it can be reasoned against what the bad was. If I got hit every time I smiled, and then it stopped, that's better than it was before. Better isn't best, it simply better. And I reached better, but I might not reach the even better, and definitely not the best, but I like the better that I'm at right now... why is this so complicated?" It seemed like going back and forth constantly would only lead them in circles, so he tried to move past it, focusing on how Nataniel drew closer to him, and allowing himself to start to actually pet the head of the man beneath him, enjoying the little feeling of the peach fuzz on the shaved side.
"Honestly? I don't think you're unhappy. You just don't seem happy. Maybe you're neutral. Maybe you don't even really care. I can't really tell just yet. Everything I do seems to be something that gets on your nerves, and I worry you won't like me anymore, but then you do this, letting me touch you and be close and love you, and then I feel better about it again." December leaned down, taking this opportunity to press a kiss lightly to Nataniel's forehead, then traveled them down the side of his cheek.
"Mm... I think we both know you think alot more than I do. And I also don't think you have many reasons to be afraid. Fear comes from what happens in life. All the bad stuff you experienced... If you don't often feel the bad, then there's no reason to think about being afraid. But when I'm with you , I want to know more about you, and forget all the fear I have. I wanna know everything about you, your likes, dislikes, and I want to make sure I do what I can to make you happy."
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Posted: Sat Apr 18, 2020 6:58 pm
"Of course you do," Nataniel muttered lowly at December's admission that he 'liked the better he was at right now,' coupled with a proclamation that he didn't expect to achieve even better. "Acknowledging that you are incapable or unwilling to reach for further progress is what 'settling' is. To say that you are not thinking of it is a lie." ...But what was the benefit of arguing about it? It felt like Nat repeated himself over and over just expecting the other boy to want something or do something or at least question why things were the way the were or wonder how to change them...
He huffed out a quiet, dissatisfied sound as he lifted an arm to lazily pull his glasses from his face, fold the ends, and set the pair on the mattress beside him. He laced his fingers over his chest and had to exert actual effort into attempting to retain a relaxed composure.
"You do many things that serve as a source of agitation," Nataniel agreed on a murmur. "And I have already expressed my concerns several times regarding our dissimilarities." He didn't emote with the same voracity December did, and Nataniel didn't intend to change that. It pleased him to be touched, and there were a scattering of occasions where he preferred to not be outright alone, but that wasn't the same as seeking, or even being receptive to, love.
His nose crinkled at the word, but he didn't comment.
He waved a hand dismissively. "Most people fear without reason. They fear what could happen, and it is ridiculous. I have as many potential fears as anyone else but no reason to let them control me, unlike you." He brushed out of December's hold, collecting his glasses as he sat up, and then stood. Nat gestured flippantly to the computer as he moved toward the door. "Do what I told you to do."
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