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 Posted: Sat Aug 21, 2004 12:07 pm
Moments lost though time remains
I am still proud of what we were
No pain remains
No feeling
Eternity awaits
Grant me wings that I might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains
No feeling
Eternity awaits
~Rules~
1: Look, don't touch (meaning only Thalion can post!)
2: Don't steal anything from here, I'll probibly post up a lot of personal art that's Shaoilin-related.
3: If you have a problem with something feel free to tell me but don't be rude about it.
~Table of Contents~
1: Intro
2: "Behind the Mask" - An introduction to Feanaro
3: Relations
4: Photo Album
5: "As the Crow Flies" - An introduction to Suuru
6: Feanaro's Musings (continued from here)
(-Under Construction-)
Thalion's Updates:
 1-24-2005 | 1:20am
Hehe, I found this quote ammusing - it's on the "lone wolf" card for Magic: The Gathering:
"A wolf without a pack is either a survivor or a brute."
Yeah anyway I've had Fea move out to Dev's land to get the ball rolling on him getting back to Kahl and getting Autumn involved again ::sniffle:: I'm sorry, girl. Fea's been a bad boy. xp
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Posted: Sat Aug 21, 2004 12:41 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Sat Aug 21, 2004 1:16 pm
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Posted: Sat Aug 21, 2004 1:36 pm
What was and what is:
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence Feanaro as a pup. xd They're so cute and defenseless at that age.
Feanaro as an adolecent heart
Fea as a big and baaad Alpha-man.
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Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 10:59 pm
Dark wings they are descending
See shadows gathering around
One by one they are falling
Every time they try to strike us down
Basics:Name: Suuru
Nicknames: "That damn bird", "Feanaro's Spy", "Flitter"
Length: 48 cm
Wingspan: 96cm
Personality:
Suuru is a clever crow with an odd sense of honor. Seeing as Feanaro spared his life he felt that his life now belonged to the wolf and has pledged to remain with him and serve him. Though he cannot understand the wolf's speech he can understand the tones in his voice and body gestures, slowly but surely he's beginning to learn how to read his master's emotions. Suuru feels that if respect is given respect is equally due - a very simular thinking falls to disrespect. Crows are spiteful by nature so anyone getting on Suuru's bad side remains there for quite a time. He has an odd fascination with shining objects and will horde them in various places for himself to simply muse over. He also finds joy in watching over Gizmo- the only other wolf besides his mater and his master's mate that he's taken a liking to.(Crow info found here.)
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Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 12:47 am
First Steps:
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
Feanaro's Intro-This is where Fea came in
Curiosity was one of the more dangerous emotions. It could lead far more than cats to their fates be it good or ill. Unfortunately, it was also one of the more powerful emotions that drove the heart forward, compelling it into many situations including trouble. Unfortunately it was most commonly found in the hearts of the young, wolves were not one to be excluded from that unfortunate fact of life. However, to the fortune of Fëanéro courage accompanied curiosity very often and that was perhaps one of his more prominent traits. Young as he may be, he was quite keen to several traits that would serve him well throughout the course of his life- be it long or short. He knew how to be silent and how to walk on moss if he wanted extra silence in his step, he knew that his sense of smell was a sense to be trusted above sight, and he knew that moving slow and calmly would draw less attention. Unfortunately, when put to the wrong use these traits fell hand in hand with the dangerous sort of curiosity.
The woods were silent for the most part. Of course the trees were full of the usual chatter of birds and squirrels. Who knew that the rodents could make such a horrid screaming chirp noise when in search for a mate. Now and then a bird would chatter while fluttering from one branch to another, stirring up more birds from their perchs and send a small clutter of darting figures in the canopy of the wood. It was a good sign though. If all fell suddenly silent something was wrong and then there was reason for fear. The eyes in the trees and sky were far more able to see danger coming than a set of golden eyes low to the ground. He’d slept in late and it seemed to him many of the pups had left to play long before he had stirred. His lips curled into a slight grimace as he pondered that little thought for a moment. It seemed that they really didn’t care that he had been left out of their little games. Surely he wasn’t all that hard to see. Sure his rusty brown coat was nearly invisible along the dirt and bark of the forest but in the dull gray and black of the den it really didn’t do too much- especially with his lighter belly exposed in his sleep.
It was no accident… they never seemed friendly to me anyway…. Upon waking and seeing all the pups gone he decided if they wanted to go and have fun why couldn’t he? No one would probably look for him. He’d slipped out quite silently -something he still prided himself on- and no one seemed to care if they had seen him. Of course he didn’t slink around and look suspicious. He was quite good at looking casual at all times. His head lifted up and his tail keeping level with his spine, swaying with his clumsy steps which came with his youth, his ears risen atop his head and his mouth parted just enough for him to taste the cool air- it wasn’t anything that turned heads. He wasn’t afraid of being caught either, They can smell fear after all. And what’s the worst they’d do anyway? Scold me? He chuckled smugly to himself as he made his way cooly to the bank of the stream. He could hear splashing and playful barks further down but he didn’t care to go out of his way to make himself known to the other pups.
In pausing for a moment he noted a few stones that led out into the stream just a bit- the last being a large smooth rock that was rounded towards the end. It not only challenged him to try his skill in getting to it in the first place but it was perfect for sunbathing. The rock would no doubt be warm from the sun glaring off the surface of the water, but if at any time the sun seemed a bit too warm for his liking, the spray of the water hitting the rock would be a relief. His paws tested the bank for mud, there was a bit but it wasn’t sticky nor very thick so he allowed himself to inch closer to the water. With a bound he landed upon the first rock. Again he paused to calculate the distance from his rock to the next and again he managed to land it. The third- his target- was a bit further than the other two had been. He bunched himself up and sprung out, catching the surface with three paws as the third slipped just slightly, wetting his toes in the cool water. It was nothing at all and it did feel good to touch the cool water, but with the pace of the water and his paws being slightly slippery from the mud he dared not to try wetting them all.
He laid himself down in the center of the rock, drawing in a deep yawn that allowed his tongue to curl from his mouth for a moment and a small whimper to pass from his mouth out of pure contentment in himself. Narrowed eyes took in the surroundings… it was pleasant indeed. The cool of the water, the warmth of the sun, the contentment in a well-executed solitary walk, and the sweet smells of the wood. With another deep breath his head was laid across his now folded paws and his hind legs kicked out slightly to one side. He could still hear the others playing not too far off but he paid very little mind to them. Dwelling on it might bring up some more of those dangerous emotions- loneliness, anger, and jealousy.
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Posted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:09 am
Farewell to Childhood:
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.
Thalion Feanaro had unfinished buisness with Selia and her little pack. He had promised his sister that he'd not start any bickering or attack anyone so he wasn't very happy about that- he just needed some closure. In a way- he felt abandoned, like he had been nothing but a resource all his life to be used whenever it felt convieniant to do so. He was there when someone needed him and never thanked or rewarded. All his hard work in becoming stronger, faster, and wiser was for nothing. He'd have to live alone with his sister for the long hard winter, trying to keep her alive and happy. Recently his dreams had returned- they were more and more troubleing with each passing night but he averted his thoughts from them at the moment and followed the cold but still slightly present scent of Selia.
Nikui Scenting Feanaro, she automatically knew he was looking for them...She looked over her family...Hige, her mate..both seemingly sleeping. Luckily, she had decided to sleep near the exit, not wanting Hige to run off again. Slowly, she pushed her way up and out of the den, lifting her head to take a short sniff...surely it was Feanaro, he was coming closer. Her hackles lifted a bit, and she'd shift back a bit to sit before the entrance of her den...trying to keep her family safe, for now...to the best of her abilities, at least. She gave a loud whuff, maybe loud enough for Fae to hear her.
Thalion He responded with a low wuff, stopping a good distance from where he scented their den. He was still wounded- it was obvious in his stride and in how he stood. His neck had spiked a bit in the dry blood, his shoulder showed a massive patch of scab on it where he had been wounded and the fur around his sides had dried blood and dirt clinging to it. He looked nothing like the old wolf he had been. His head was hung terribly low, his tail hung limp behind him, and all the fire had gone from his eyes. Even his ears had lowered. Now and then a soft whine could be heard from him though he did his best to muffle it or hide it as a cough or snort.
Nikui At the response, she would wait. She knew he'd come closer if she did nothing to ward him off...though, it was awkward to have him running about near her family, again. She'd make sure that he didn't hurt her pup or mate...even if he had to kill her to get to them. Her rear was planted firmly near the entrance, tail curled around her hip slightly. Head and ears high and waiting for him to come...hoping this wasn't going to turn into another fight. She didn't know how much of her promise she could break to him...she had never wanted to in the first place. "Feanaro." She mumbled, and sighed soon afterwards.
Thalion He could see her from where he was- it seemed she didn't want to even move for him now. He sighed, slowly limping closer to her. He left a good yard between them before stopping. He refused to seat himself- he just might not be able to get up again. "Don't give me that look, Selia, I'd be a fool to try anything in this condition. I told you once before that I'm not going to throw my life away so easily." His voice was cracked and broken as his body was, soft and almost a whisper in how he spoke.
Nikui She would...but she had no idea what was going on at the second. Her ears lowered to her head, feeling horrible for hurting him so badly...she had never wanted to hurt him, ever. After all they had been through..yet, out of stupidity, she'd hurt him more than she ever thought was possible. She gave him a soft smile when he got closer, though noted that he didn't want to set down...probably a cautious movement. "Hey, Feanaro." She greeted softly, ears lifting, trying to seem happy to see him..she was, but it was painful to see him in such a crushed state.
Thalion He simply watched her from the mask around his obviously tired eyes. His head didn't lift to greet her nor did his tail- nothing really moved on him aside from his sides with his slow breaths. He looked neither happy nor angry- just sad. "I'm here for farewells... not greetings."
Nikui Her heart clenched at this, and her ears drooped down automatically...farewells. He truly was going to leave them for good..he wouldn't even consider submitting to them, even if it meant a home and affection. She lowered her head considerably, eyes focused on the ground as if it were that interesting... "Oh," was her wise response...note the sarcasm there. She sighed, and closed her eyes momentarily...being quite small compared to him, she could most likely be ripped apart if he was up for a fight. But, his condition seemed worse, all because of this petty bickering. "Feanaro...I'm sorry." She finally mumbled, despite the somewhat random-ness of the subject change. "I broke my promise," she began now, and stood up, moving closer to him. His wounds...they weren't cared for. The only thing on her mind was to, at least, help him one more time before they said goodbye. His was like a brother to her, a guardian, yet...she had hurt him so badly. She shuddered, and lowered her head...but not enough to go below his own. She was still alpha...she was still higher...but her mind scolded her heavily for this.
Thalion "Life teaches you many things Selia... that river for instance. It looks harmless but if you turn your back you may end up on one of the rocks and it will break you." He said quietly, shifting his weight to his less wounded side- trying not to succomb to his urges to seat himself. He was tired, that was obvious, but he was set on standing. He didn't look at her directally so her wince and expression went un-noticed. Just about all he saw were his own paws in the dirt of the forest- still moist from a light rainfall earlier that day. "You learn not to trust the river, you learn to always be on guard. Love the river for it gives you something you need to live- but know that it can betray you at any moment or leave all together."
Nikui She listened to him, knowing she had hurt him more than just on the flesh. She lowered her head further, now, and stared down towards the ground silently...still standing before him, though. Parting her ebony lips momentarily, she tried to speak, but it wouldn't come out. She turned her head to stare up towards the darkened skies...ears lowered against her skull firmly. "I never wanted to hurt you." She commented blatantly, and focused back towards him, her eyes glinting lightly. "I never tried, I never purposly hurt you...never tried to put you in danger, or attack you.." She trailed off, knowing she sounded quite stupid at this point. Shaking her head, she'd move closer to him, looking down to his lowered head...having lifted her own quite a bit. Softly, she would place a light lick to his forehead..more of an apology than anything... Though, afterwards, she took a step back, giving him space.
Thalion "I came to say good bye, not to get an explination. I know what happened, Selia. You chose him... you chose the male that you felt did more for you than the other. I have accepted it." Though he wouldn't admit how hard it was to come to realize that fact, "I will not follow your pack. My sister does not see it as something that she wants to put up with. She's not fond of all that's happened and if I go she will stay. I cannot leave her on her own." He took a slight glance back over his shoulder- half expectnig her to be there. Seeing as she wasn't he turned back, lifting his eyes for the first time, "I may not survive the winter in this state, I thought it only fitting to send a final farewel before you and your.... mate.... leave these lands."
Nikui She cringed, and dropped her gaze. No...no, she didn't understand. She closed her eyes, and felt pain rush over her. Why did he have to be so blunt? She parted her lips lightly, maw open only to speak once again. "Know this, Feanaro," she began, and looked straight towards his face, serious and unafraid now. "You're welcome to our pack if you get into any trouble at all. I will not be held responsible for passing you down from the pack, and end up hurting you and your sister." She wrinkled her nose slightly, seeing now that she wouldn't be able to get through to him fully..."Just remember this, for me."
Thalion "I will but I will not come. I warn you now- if I survive this winter and am stronger than I am now I will kill your mate if I see him. Not for the pack for I know very well that no one of your pack will follow me if I did- but for the revenge for what he has done." A bit of that cold hatred flowed into hiv voice at that statement, his golden eyes narrowed and his hackles raised. He could see into the den- see the body of the crimson male sleeping quite contented with himself with his makings of a pack. It made him sick- he wanted to take his life right then and there but he was not a fool and he would honor his word of safe conduct while coming to say his farewells. His voice returned to how it was before, his gaze went back up to meet with Selia only this time he rose his head- above hers. He didn't respect her ranking at all- in his opinion that was the only reason she had gone with the red demon in the first place and neither of them had earned their ranking therefore neither of them had earned his respect, "I will not hurt you, however... I am a wolf of his word."
Nikui "I warn you now...that, if you do try to touch him, you'll have to kill me first." She said this firmly, staring up at him fully...straight in the eye, less respect than she had ever given anyone before. "I will not allow you to kill my mate," she added soon afterwards, tail up and slightly spiked...hackles raised. "We all will be stronger, Feanaro. All of us. And the pack will have grown," she began to give a hint of a growl in her voice...protective. "I have my family to raise...you wont take their father, their alpha, away. No matter what." She backed up, standing over the small entrance of the make-shift den, eyes narrowed, head and tail held high.
Thalion "It's the way of our kin, Selia.... the male lives to lead but also to be challanged. Should another male more fit than he come in and defeat him in battle there is no choise for him but to go off and become alone." He shook his head, slowly turning himself around, "I hadn't wanted this farewell to go like this, Selia. I had hoped that you had thought better of me... my puphood seems like such a waste now that I look back. I only live on now because I have one who needs me. One who seems grateful that I saved her life." His words were meant to cut her- hers had cut him.
Nikui And they had cut her. Quite deep. Her hackled spiked more, and her teeth gritted together to try and keep herself from lunging at him right then and there. "Farewell, Feanaro." The irony of that comment was also meant to cut him back, permanently banished from her heart...even if she tried to tell herself that he didn't mean it...he didn't really want her away from him, he didn't really think she hated him and wanted him away...that she had used him. All of these were lies to herself. She tossed her head, and canted it at his retreating form. They were both broken. They were both dead to one another, till the next time they met.
Thalion He turned, watching her go. His eyes full of moisture as she just left him. He hadn't wanted such a sour farewell... he wanted to go to her, to lick her and nuzzle her, to feel safe and accepted just once last time before he was exiled to this land that held nothing but hardship for him and his sister. Just one last time he craved for her friendly touch. That wasn't going to happen. She had used him and cast him aside when there was no further use. He didn't move- his head turned over his torn shoulder with his back facing her. His ears were lowered as his tail and head were. Please... turn around.... one last time....
Nikui She stared down into the den...not wanting to go into there, but wanting to take her hidden emotions out on an unsuspecting deer or other creature...not Feanaro, not Devvyl, not her family. She slowly lowered to a sit next to the den, obliging to his silent thoughts and casting a glance over her shoulder to him. Her eyes were filled with vague emotion...her puphood had lay dorment in her system for so long, that she...just didn't act like she had been so long ago. Her form slightly trembled...whether it be from sadness or anger, she couldn't tell. She had tried. She had tried to make him happy, to keep him and his sister safe. But, he just couldn't accept this. Now she would have to teach herself to let it go.
Thalion "Selia...." he whispered with a broken voice, his expression so twisted between grief and pain that he almost looked demented, his limbs shook beneith him as he tried his best to find strength to stand, "Please...." his words turned into soft whimpers, whines.... cries that were almost depictions of the broken wolf he had become, "One.... last..... time...." He turned away, forcing himself to try to walk. It was too hard, he just couldn't find the strength to move.
Nikui She cringed...trying to keep herself by the den...she could hear his whimpers and cries, knowing he was hurting too much to get up and move back to the river where his Sister would be waiting. She shuddered...that bittersweet farewell they had just given one another slipped her mind for the time being. She wouldn't just leave him there, she wasn't like that to her friend... Standing slowly, she'd turn to make her way over to him...at his side in mere moments, she lightly touched her side to his own. "Use me to rest on, I'll help you back to your sister. Just tell me which way." She mumbled softly to him, staring in the direction of the river...
Thalion He just laid his head on hers, his breaths were choked like he was trying to hold back tears. He didn't move- didn't walk forward nor did he plan to. He'd walk home alone but he had at least got to feel her beside him one last time. His body was trembeling but he managed to lick her a few times, trying to show her that he still loved her. He still cared. With one last nuzzle he summoned all strength inside of him to run- just to run blindly from her. His head ducked into the thick mane of fur around his neck as he ground his teeth together, darting through the brush of the forest once again. He couldn't contain himself any longer, again he howled- one that illistrated how broken he was, how hurt, and how loanly he was.
Nikui She allowed this..though, she hadn't expected him to dart away so quickly. She trotted forward a few steps--before losing sight of him in the brush of the forest. She knew he still cared, she still cared for him. And it broke her heart even more to see him running away...instead of joining them in this pack, to keep him safe and not have to worry about him leaping out at Devvyl with every turn of their back. She would have answered the howl--but she didn't. She couldn't. Making her way back to the den, she'd merely lay down beside it...closing her eyes...and resting there, for now. The warmth of his body against her own fading.
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Posted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:10 am
.:.Madness' Flight | January 20, 2004.:.
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
It's left me...
I can feel myself again, I can hear my thoughts and feel the heart beating within my brest. What had brought me to madness? What had driven me to drive away all that I've known and loved? I woke up like I was in a dream mornings before, my body was in the turmoil of a passing illness that had taken my mind as well as my body. In those days I had very little control over my temper and I'm afraid that it got the best of me. I woke up and everything was gone. Lexi... Gaara... they were gone. I can recal very few things from then, from when I was taken prisoner by my fury, my pain, and my confusion. I remember Lexi's eyes, her angry flaming eyes looking into mine. I saw her fangs flashing at me and in that moment I saw my death on those fangs. I nearly welcomed it in those moments... I loved her but the words spewing from my mouth betrayed just the oppisite. She wants to break me, to rule me, to strip my land from me and my mate with it to serve under her. What have I done? How could I have raised her to be like this? Her and Gaara both...
I thought for the longest time that it was them and that they were the trators and criminals in all of this. The day I saw a pup's blood upon the white snow changed all that. I had raised them in the shadow of my own hate for what the wolves of this wood had done to me. They had known nothing but spite fro me. How could I have ever thought myself worthy of being a parent much less an alpha?
Still... I wish to remain in my lands with my beloved and live in peace. Seeing that blood upon the snow reminded me how fragile life truely is. What kind of impression would I leave if my life were to end today? A pup theif and a mad beast... I don't want that to be my legacy. In every respect I'm far from an old wolf but with the hate that I've built against others that hate is doubled back upon me twice fold. My end if looming above me like the crows that I have so willingly found comfort in. Their black wings carry my worried from me and shrowd me in a world where I don't feel the pain of my actions. Somehow they give me wings of my own. There isn't a path that I cannot tread... but to walk all those paths as a lone wolf it hardly fulfilling.
I still long to be an alpha.
To teach pups of my own to learn from my own mistakes, to raise them in love as I failed so miserably in doing with my dear Lexi and Gaara. To teach them respect for the winged ones- they are our guides into the south during winter and into the north during the summer. They are our comfort and warning.
At least mine.
Kahlara... my sweet mate. Forgive me for my absence from you. I could not return to you ill or mad or even angry. Your eyes fill with a sorrow that I cannot bear when I return to you in such a state. It eats away at me and tears into what I have left of a heart. I will not do that to you, I swear to you I'll return healthy and in a stable frame of mind. My dear I will protect you from this looming threat. I am still your prince and knight, I will defend you and our land to my dying breath. I hope if that's the case that I do not leave you alone. You deserve to play with the young again in the streams aand to run free among them.
The young deserve to live.... dispite the crimes of their young and foolish minds they deserve to live and to live without fear. The other event I remember from the haze of madness is meeting a young pup that seemed to want to help me, he reached out through that black withering haze of my ill mind and comforted me- unafraid of what I might do. Such courage and kindness is not deserving of such a dark pack. I wish to speak with him- if only to thank him for the kindness he showed me- but that brute of an alpha would have none of it. Even if I allowed him to guard me at every hair he'd rather see me dead at his paws than to allow me a word with him...any of them.
I wish to start anew, to begin again but I cannot. All I can hope for is the chance to speak to those I loved and hurt and hopefully renew myself in their eyes. I wish to start with the first- Selia... it's been so long and I hope you've not suffered as much as I have from our bitter farewell. I wish to see you again, see how you've done with your life and if nothing else to speak with you and put the hate to an end. I wish not for the life of your mate. I see no point in taking it as it would accomplish nothing. Your pack would never follow me and my heart belongs now to another.
Lexi... I wish to see you again. I was not myself and you knew it. You saved me in the most unlikely of ways and for that I must thank you and your mate though I disapprove of the method and of your choice in packs. I only wish that you did not seek to slay me in one way or another and take all that I can hold to away.
I suppose I have more to concentrate on now. Hige and Balan need me though there is much fear and distrust in their eyes. To them I'm still the crazed beast.
All things change in time.
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Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 10:49 pm
.:.The Price of Sin | January 21, 2005.:.
A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust
The lessons that you taught me
I learn were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)
The second moon is fast on its way, my arranged meeting with the crimson tribe to get a final word on the fate of the man-pups is drawing soon. I had taken a long hunt before the sun crawled into her throne in the sky, tracking a buck miles from where myself and the others had stopped to rest for the night. I was unaware how close I had strayed to the territory of the eastern pack at the time- the thrill of the hunt again and the pain of my hungry body was enough to blind me until I had smothered my muzzle in the warm blood of the stag and my belly was bulging from a large meal. My crows ate well from that kill, they all seem content with falling into my servaces. Young Balan seemed unsettled by them as he came upon me and my kill after I had called for him. He's a strange creature that one. Our conversation was short but I surely hope I managed to get a few points accross to the pup. He ate his own fill and took back what he could carry of the kill to the others.
After resting from my hunt I decided it was time to press on alone for the crimson pack. It was then that Suuru took wing and announced with joy in his caw that a pleasentry was ahead. I was suprised to have come upon the kindly pup that I had been longing to speak with- even more of a suprise was that my crow seemed to have taken to him as much as he took to my crow. Unfortunately I never got so much as an introduction to the pup without facing his angry packmates- among them was my dear Lexi. Accusations of trechery flew from her angry maw, burning more into my heart and mind. I did my best in explaining myself though I know there was no true excuse for much of my actions and that she'd not take my words to heart. It seems her mind has turned itself from me... in her mind I'm pronounced dead. I suppose in a sense a part of me is dead, laying silently at her paws and awaiting for her to devour what remains of me.
Without a word of acceptance or denial to my apoligy she and the others left me to my solitude once again. She is still bound and determined to challange me. Sadly what she does not realize is that I will not be an old wolf for over a decade and in the time prior to becoming feeble I will be in my prime. Over the course of my life I've trained myself for the same goal that she wishes to achieve and I continue to do so on a daily basis, I am still the hero and villan from the stories that I told her- the bearslayer and the wolf who challanges the river and its mighty stampede. I do not wish to harm her but as I carry scars for me to remember my mistakes so must she in time. If there was any other way to hold onto my land and my mate then I would, but sadly the code of the wolves spare none- even the loved ones from the laws of a fight to defend. If I am an alpha I have no choise but to accept all challanges against me and my pack.
Forgive me in advance, Lexi... I pray that your mind returns to the innocent pup that you once were, the pup that I slew in the shadow of my hate.
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Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:01 am
.:.Requiem of Silence | January 23, 2005.:.
Look into the mirror of your soul
Love and hate are one in all
Sacrifice turns to revenge and believe me
You'll see the face who'll say:
I love you... I'll kill you...
Remaining in the freelands really had no point for me. The pups will remain safe with Balan in my hidden cave and I'm sure that what remains of my kill will more than sustain the lot of them in my absense. The longer I linger in this lords forsaken wood the longer I have to wait to see the face of my beloved again. I'm not the most diligant wolf by far but I will not spend any time longer than I must from her. I have my mind dedicated to completing the task I've ensnared myself into before returning to her... part of the reason why I decided to wait outside the crimson pack's border rather than sitting around waiting for the second moon to rise.
Sitting here smelling the presence of so many others has made me realize just how hated I am among this wood. I can smell anger and a bit of fear on the wind and I've only just sat upon this loanly stone in the moonlight. It's emotions like that that drive wolves into madness and unreason, it's a bit silly that one tired wolf leaves such an effect on these packs. Two packs I've encountered and each of their members knows of me and speaks my name with a hiss. No doubt the young are being poisened against me so when I -am- old and feeble in a decade or two they'll come to slay this scurge and take honor for it like some sick game. If I'm a criminal and a scurge for following what I know to be right in my own mind then so be it. My mother would have it no other way. I see her in my dreams often, her ghostly form watching me from a far... I see disappointment in her eyes and hear scolding in her tone. I've failed her expectations of me from every angle and she knows it- even from the lands beyond death.
Perhaps I'm getting myself worked up over nothing... I pray that this pack can be reasonable about my presence here long enough to have a decent conversation. I have no intention of attacking anyone or causing trouble- I only wish to know what I'm to do with the young pups and to make my peace.
I do wish also to speak with the kind pup- just... to thank him. If only not for that damn greymuzzled male and Lexi's rage. Perhps it is too much for a criminal to ask.
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Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 11:28 pm
.:.Bitter Judgement | January 30, 2005.:.
Another wave of tension
Has more than filled me up
All my talk of taking action
These words were never true
Now I find myself in question
The air's growing colder and the sky shows all signs of a storm approaching. The two-legs will not do well if a blizzard is to hit, they've waited too long on the decision for their fate... one more moon is too long of time, in one moon I could have them halfway to my lands before the storm hit. It would be progress. Disreguarding the limitations set on me by the crimson male I returned to their packlands and held an audience with Selia for a short time before he showed up. It seems they too have pups of their own, the resembelence to their demonic father is uncanny though I do see a bit of their mother in them as well. Aparently I've been labled a monster within this pack as well, the pups cringe back at my presence, they whisper to eachother about the horror that I am, and take a defensive stance under my gaze.
Selia's changed... the Selia I loved as a friend and ever held my promise to has long died in my mind. This white wolf is nothing like the pup that I knew- the pup that swore to never hurt me.
The fate of the two-legs has been left upon my shoulders, the red male will have nothing to do with them. He hides behind the excuse of them being a threat to his pups. I'm sure he's afraid of them, afraid of doing something that's not to his own advantage. Balan certainly won't be happy with the ruling, he seems attached to the pups. The only other choises are to confront the other pack- Lexi and Gaara's pack- or return home. I'm afraid I have no choise but to pass through their lands on my return home anway- and I must ask for safe conduct of my land for the sake of the little ones. I do not look forward to this trip looming ahead of me, I'm pretty sure I won't leave without a new set of scars to boast along my hide. I may even have to travel this one alone if Balan will not aid me. Hige seems to have turned his back on us for his pack. It figures... under the demon and his mate I couldn't expect much more from him.
I walk alone to the freelands now. I expect to be there by sundown.
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Posted: Fri Feb 04, 2005 1:25 am
.:.The Coming of Winter | Feb. 4, 2005.:.
I don't know who to trust - no surprise,
Everyone feels so far away from me,
Heavy thoughts sift through dust and the lies,
Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit.
I walked slow on my way back to the freelands. Selia and her pack did exactally as I had expected them to do, perhaps a bit worse. With a death-threat hanging over the man-pups at the slightest bit of behavior that might be considered harmful to them (but could very well be friendly to them). I can't take such a risk... they don't know the way of the wolf and apparently neither do the wolves themselves. I've seen enough slain innocents for my liking and I'll be skinned for a pelt before I let another fall, at the maw of a wolf especially. My mind was riddled with thoughts simular to these as I made my way back to the trecherous river for a drink. My senses were dulled in my thought and from no where a quite expected suprise attached her lovely little self to the end of my tail. I've not to learn her name quite yet but she is the most charming little thing on four little legs. Her bright blue eyes teem with the innocent playfulnes that I so adore, her actions have been well inteded though it did cost her a swim in that damn river. I managed to pull her out before she got to far and bring her back to the den.
That's when the trouble started.
Hige returned with that cowering mate of his to claim the man-pups and take them to lands where he believed wout be more suited for them. Apparently it's close to the big waters, but any sensable wolf would know that the big waters would be a foolish place to raise young, especially in this season. The rains never end in the big waters, the waters themselves are far more trecherous than the river here and that seems to have given pups of even our own kin a hard enough time. This is all without mentioning the distance. My lands are a mere three days, the big water is far beyond that. I'm not sure if the man-pups can handle such a trip. It's pure madness...
And I should know.
I'm afraid that I grew angry when they departed, it's understandable with the remark that they left me with. I do hope that the little pup doesn't see me as the others of her age do, I don't know what I would do if she were to run from me, to leave me for the others just like everyone else has. I'm just not so sure what to do with myself anymore. It seems every time I find another, raise it as my own, and they learn to stand on their own paws I'm betrayed.
Perhaps... just this once, things will be different.
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Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2005 4:00 am
.:.A Heart at Peace | March 23, 2005.:.
Under the starry skies - where eagles have flown
This place is paradise - it's the place I call home
The moon on the mountains
The whisper through the trees
The waves on the water
Let nothing come between this and me
At long last I've rid myself of the filth of the currupt lands and returned to my paradise. My mate was waiting for my return patiantly and faithfully as ever she has. Though she hid it well I could see the pain in her eyes, the nagging question as to why I abandoned her for so long, and if I had returned to her safely. I worry her and I know it. It pains me to know it.... pains me that I feel I must leave these lands now and then but I know there is something still out there for us. My hope is to gather pups to us, young ones that are in need of a pack, in need of a family and raise them as my own- as our own. She adores the young as do I, we long for pups of our own. Khalarie especially. She's still an innocent, her day would be perfect if only she had someone to play with all the time. I play but I cannot play like a pup, the pup that lived within me died long ago upon the jaws of the very wolves I spite with such a burning vengance. I wish for pups to teach... I failed in raising Lexi and Gaara, I raised them in the shadow of my own hate and it costed the world the life of an innocent. I'll not repeat my mistakes. I'll raise them in the way of my mother, in the way of the true wolves, not these demons that lurk the shadows. Demons who point their noses at anyone but themselves. Such demons aren't fit to call themselves alphas... or wolves for that matter.
I cannot express in words or thoughts the joy I feel when I'm with my mate. She is, for lack of a better word, perfect in all ways. I can spend the rest of my days here with her, watching her run in the waters at sunset- the spray flying around her like the embers of a flame. Her light hearted barks are more pure to my ears than that of the most learned songbird, the patiant and loving gaze fills me with more peace than a full moon over a silver wood. With her, I feel not like the masked lone brute- I feel like my life has purpose other than to cause misery to my foes. They might as well not exist when I'm around her.
I pray to the spirit of my noble mother and sire that I have the strength to defend her and my land when the time comes. Every day Lexi and Gaara grow stronger and larger. Every day they grow is another day closer to when they come to try to break me and subject me to their will- or slay the demon that's been the new word for evil to the woods. Either way I do not wish for blood to be spilt. I wish for peace now, I wish to be here with my mate, to have a family and a pack of my own and forget the evils of my past and of the wood.
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Posted: Wed May 04, 2005 11:24 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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