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 Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 8:54 am
Nick was coming over. Nick was coming over?
Nick was coming over.
Virell had to check his texts several time after he dragged himself out of bed to make sure that the texts still said what he thought they said. (They did).
...So, he dived into getting ready. He freshened up--but mentally berated himself the whole time for doing so, for still wanting to impress Nick, for still wanting to be appealing. To compensate, he forced himself not to go all out; he tried to keep it simple.
He didn't get as dolled up as he used to, but that meant he wound up having a lot more time than usual, to clean up the apartment. There were a few boxes, a few empty things--they'd worked hard to make the place presentable and clean before Eric left, so the remainder only took him a few minutes.
Virell was nervous, and with nothing more to do, all he could do was pace. Phone in hand, he checked it every few seconds. He tried to make the place a little warmer, a little friendlier. He lit some incense that he'd just discovered he liked, turned on the television.
...And took a moment to appreciate the fact that for the first time in his life, he could look at this room and it looked welcoming.
He couldn't help but smile at the thought, smile at Eric--and then immediately resume pacing because that was a whole other mess he had to sort out in his head.
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Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 6:35 pm
Nick was in a mild panic. It took so long for the casserole to cook that he almost thought about just dumping the whole thing and not worrying about it…but at the same time…he had to get ready.
He had showered earlier in the day thank goodness, and his hair was finally almost all the way dry…but it wasn’t wet enough to be a bother…
Still, he brushed it through and hesitated before braiding it up just to keep it out of the way. When the food was finally done, Nick was ready to go. He was dressed in purple as was his habit and as soon he took the casserole out of the oven and slipped it into a heat trapping bag, he was on his way.
…With a quick stop at the store of course for some flowers and other ingredients for a satisfying breakfast dinner.
It was almost an hour and a half later when he was finally knocking on Virell’s door, palms sweating from the nerves that he felt. His heart was pounding both from nerves and the excitement of seeing the other blond again after far, far too long.
…Provided he actually answered the door…
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Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 7:18 pm
Virell had struggled while he waited, but the moment he heard the knock on his door, his heart was in his chest and both relief and dread flooded through him.
Nick was here.
He had to force himself to take a deep breath, to smooth out his hair, to pretend like he hadn't just been pacing in front of the door for...
No, he didn't want to look at the clock; he didn't want to know how long he'd been pacing for.
He had to force himself to count to ten so he didn't look so eager when answering the door and then, finally, unbolted the door and drew it open. He flashed his most convincing 'My heart isn't pounding in my chest and I'm not sure if I'm about to die' smile. "Nick. You look well. I was worried something came up. Come on in," he said; he stepped out of the way and gestured for Nick to enter. He looked like he wanted to give him a quick embrace with the greeting, but there were no comprehensible boundaries here.
With a pang of cold guilt, he realized he had no idea what to do.
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Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 7:48 pm
Nick flashed a winning smile when the door opened and if his hands weren’t full of bags, he would have thrown himself at Virell…but.
Alas.
“You look as stunning as ever, Relly. Just like sunshine. I didn’t mean to take so long, I had just put something in the oven when you had texted and it took literally forever to cook…and then I had to go to the store to grab other things for dinner and…well. Now I’m here.”
He hesitated, and then gently nudged past Virell, glancing around the apartment and seeming surprised at how it had changed. “Wow, Rell. It’s really homey in here. I love what you’ve done with the place!”
It felt right to be coming back to this place though, and Nick went to the kitchen with no hesitation, already pulling out the pans he would need to cook the rest of the meal. “How have you been? Come here and give me a hug now that my hands are free…I hope you’re hungry. I’ve got a literal feast planned. You’re not on another diet, are you?”
He hoped not…or this meal was going to be utterly wasted.
“Because you look absolutely perfect to me. As always.”
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Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2019 7:14 am
"Oh, do you like it?" he prompted, with faux surprise. He was still getting used to it, but he loved it. Every time he turned around he felt a wave of surprise and happiness; his apartment didn't feel like a barely unpacked dorm anymore.
It was home.
He was too tempted by the hug, he didn't hesitate to head over and embrace him. Nick was welcome in his home; he didn't care where he wanted to go or what he wanted to do. All the months of pain and disappointment washed away. He should have been mad at himself, but instead he was drunk with the thought that Nick didn't hate him. That he was actually here, actually real. He hadn't just been some dream.
"I'm actually trying to gain a little weight," he admitted. It wasn't something he wanted to confess, but words just toppled out of his mouth. "I had a little bit of a hard time eating for a while but my appetite's picked up again so I'm trying to make the best of it."
A little smile appeared on his face, at Nick calling him perfect. Even without as much makeup as he usually wore, even without being all dolled up.
...Eric said the same things, of course, and another little pang of guilt. Was that what Nick felt when he was with Virell, when he was thinking of Arias? He didn't seem very guilty right now.
But then--this was just two...friends, right? There was nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing was going on. Just, dinner. Just catching up.
"I've been very busy," he added, just resting against Nick in the hug. "But half of it's work drama and I'm sure you don't want to hear about that." The other half was Eric, and was definitely sure Nick didn't want to hear about that. "What have you been up to?"
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Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2019 5:28 pm
Nick’s arms wrapped around Virell, holding him close, head bending to inhale the scent of his shampoo, to feel the softness of those golden locks that still danced through his dreams.
“Mmm…that’s nice.” The words were out of his mouth before he could think and he nuzzled just a little bit closer, lips brushing the male’s neck without any hesitation. “I’m glad you’re trying to gain weight. That must be why your cheeks are so rosy now…you’re even more stunning than normal, my Relly.”
Nick just nodded at his words, fingers working to rub at the male’s head, enjoying the warmth he provided.
…His heart never really pounded like this when it was Arias…though, Arias never really hugged him like this either…or smelled so nice…
He sighed heavily and rested his chin on the male’s shoulder for a long moment before finally breaking the hug and pulling away, his eyes troubled. “I thought…we could have breakfast for dinner. Did…you think of a good movie for us?”
…it felt like nothing had changed. Like it was months ago and he was just over here for yet another secret date…and honestly…
Nick liked it that way.
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Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2019 6:11 pm
The closeness, the softness of his words, the way his fingers worked at his hair, his scalp.
"I picked out a good movie. I've been getting recommendations from this very sweet young man I've met at work. He's so good for me," he said; he had to remind himself that he loved Eric, because when Nick was here...
No, he didn't forget. He knew that he loved Eric. He just didn't know what this was.
"I'll eat anything you cook for me. Breakfast sounds delicious. --You really think I look better like this? I'm wearing half as much makeup." A confession he wouldn't have made if he hadn't had Eric in his life, always telling him how nice he looked, even when he wasn't caked in makeup.
"...It's kind of nice, I think. I had so much free time between when you called and now that I didn't know what to do with myself. I'm going to have to pick up a new hobby at this rate," he laughed, but there was little truth to it; he didn't know how long this 'low makeup' routine was going to work. The older he got, the more he was going to need, after all.
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Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2019 7:45 pm
Nick nodded, already beginning to unpack the groceries he had brought. He took down a glass and poured a glass of the most amazing chocolate milk he had ever found and handed it to Virell, grinning now. “Try this. It’s literally made of magic, I think. And I think you look more amazing than you ever had. Honestly.”
The bit about the friend from work seemed to have gone over his head and he began to adjust himself, cracking some eggs into a bowl and stirring them quickly with a fork.
“Have you thought about learning to cook? I think cooking is just about the best hobby you can have…things just taste better when you do them yourself. Or at least that’s how it is for me.”
He was just beginning to grate up a small block of sharp cheddar when he paused.
“…Wait a…sweet young man from work, huh? Uh. Tell me about him? You…say he’s good for you? I’m glad you found a…a friend?”
His eyes slid to the male and they were somewhat wary again, hoping that a friend was all that this…’sweet young man’ could possibly be.
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Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2019 8:30 pm
Virell accepted the chocolate milk and held it--smelled it, tasted it, melted when the flavor hit his lips. He had just swallowed when he processed Nick's question.
"Oh. Eric," he answered, trying not to look like his heart was pounding so hard he could feel it in his teeth. "Technically he was my rival, but he's a strange one. From out of town. I worked so hard to get this campaign, I was all but guaranteed it. And Frank called us both into his office and handed him the papers. I was livid. I thought he'd fire me after my outburst," he confessed, not quite looking at him.
"...Eric was so upset for me that he passed up the offer. He must have known how upset I was. I mean," he shrugged. "I had a lot going on." He didn't mention that a good portion of that had stemmed from Nick cutting him out of his life; it only made him sound pathetic. "...He's just sweet. He's good, and wholesome. Kind."
He held his chocolate milk so tightly he thought he might break the glass.
He didn't want Nick to hate him. Didn't want him to leave.
...But he didn't want to lie to him.
"I think we're dating."
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Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2019 8:37 am
He tried to focus on the cheese in front of him, but when Virell had finished talking, Nick’s hands were shaking far too much to continue.
“I…I see.”
Dating? Dating.
Virell kissing, caressing, loving this…this Eric. Nick’s eyes closed for a moment and then opened again to glance back around the apartment. “…He’s who has helped you decorate? Who…who gave you such confidence in yourself?”
He felt his heart resting somewhere near his left knee, and his stomach somewhere near his feet, and Nick realized that…this Eric was so much better for Virell than he could ever be. And it hurt.
For someone who thought they should be the center of everyone’s universe…it hurt to know that people could be happier without him…if he wasn’t with Arias…would Arias have found someone wonderful who would cause him to truly smile? Someone who could wipe away the last traces of the haunted look that still remained in his eyes.
Nick swallowed. “Well. I…I’m happy for you…”
The words did not come easily, and they felt almost painful as he said them.
But…he was happy. He was happy that Virell was doing well…
…He just wished it had been with him.
But that had been his own fault.
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Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2019 7:50 pm
Virell wasn't the most astute person, but he was looking for the little things, paying attention to everything Nick said or did.
He saw the trembling hands. Heard the hesitation in his words.
There was no satisfaction in this, and for a long moment he didn't know what to say. He had wanted tonight to go well, he'd been so excited about it. He didn't want to think that he'd ruined it.
Quietly, tiredly, he lowered his eyes and confessed, "I was a mess without you, Nick. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I kept waiting for a call or text, anything to let me know that were still allowed to be friends. Honestly, I've spent hours looking at our last chat, wondering what I could say to get you to talk to me again. Wondering if I'd ever have you in my life again. You gave me the best thing I'd ever had, and then..."
Nick had ended it, for Arias. Which Virell understood.
He shrugged. "Arias is stable, I get that now. He's someone you can have a future with. He's got things figured out. I get that. And I'm not ready to give up everything, but. I thought I could be more 'adult', too. I'm planning my future. Trying to be a little more adult," he paused to gesture around the house. "...I thought you...thought you'd given up on me. I didn't really know what to do. I'm not...good...at goodbyes. I'm not good at losing. In fact, I'm the worst, when it comes to people? Like you."
He glanced up at him, trying to read his emotions out of the corner of his eye. He had never really told Nick much about his personal life, just because it hadn't come up.
...Not like with Eric.
But Nick was smart enough, he knew some things and had figured out the rest. "I thought I'd lost you, and I took it really hard, because I care so much about you. I wasn't looking for anyone else. Eric, though. He just sort of showed up. I was really vulnerable, and there he was, just ready to help I needed someone," he said, eyes finally finding Nick's straight on.
"...I'm just happy to have you back. I don't know what our relationship is. But I'm just...it was such a huge burden off my chest when you responded. I felt like I could breathe again." He hesitated and then confessed "I was really happy. No matter what's going on in either of our personal lives...I just wanted you to know that."
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Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2019 6:42 pm
Nick drew in a long, slow breath and nodded, allowing his eyes to close for a long moment. Finally though, he opened them again and managed a small smile. “I’m sorry, Relly. I was wrong to upset you like that…I wanted to see you…and to call and text you I just…”
He sighed and pressed close to Virell, holding him tightly for a long moment, lips pressing against his neck. “I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t find any of the right words to type…and by the time I thought I had them…so much time had passed and I was sure that I had ******** up so much that I was too late.”
Finally his arms fell away and the blonde shrugged almost helplessly. “…I am glad you found someone to help you smile again…but. I don’t want to ever be the cause of your frowns again…I hope you’ll give me another chance and…I hope we can be friends still. Maybe more if it ever comes to that…I…”
He had come over here expecting something that he knew he shouldn’t have been expecting…but…
But damn. He wanted it.
But he wouldn’t. Not if Virell was taken now too…
Not unless he asked.
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Posted: Thu Feb 21, 2019 8:48 pm
The forbidden fruit.
Virell swallowed and found himself pressing closer to Nick once his arms had fallen. "Friends, for sure," he said immediately. But he knew he wanted more, and he hated himself for it. Eric was so good for him. Was one more time really that bad?
...Yes. It was, he knew it was, but he felt like he was being torn apart in multiple directions. He knew the rational thing to do, the smart thing, the loyal thing, but his mind had a strange static haze and he just couldn't focus.
"I don't want to lose you. I don't have any hard feelings. I..." he hesitated, exhaled, and it felt like all the pent up emotions, all the despair and rejection, just sort of melted away. "...I've missed you so much, Nick."
He leaned forward, burying his face against the crook of Nick's neck. "...I thought I was being pathetic. I thought I was going to make a fool of myself. I wanted you so badly." His breath hitched and he had to force himself to stay calm.
"...And even after all of this, I feel strange. Like I don't want to hurt my boyfriend. But I can't... can't say no to you. Even if I wanted to, I just don't know how. It's so confusing, I don't understand," he confessed, just pressing closer to Nick and drawing in a slow, steadying breath. "I'd never really fallen in love before I met you. I don't think I ever learned how to get over you. He's wonderful, truly," he said, not sure if it was for himself or Nick. "...He's the sweetest guy I could imagine. It...it makes me wonder if this must be how you feel about Arias. Only, I don't know. He makes me excited for my future. He makes me think about more than just today and tonight. He seems so mature, and kind, and stable..."
And yet, like a moth to the flame, Nick showed up and here he was, draping himself all over him.
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Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2019 7:43 am
When Virell pressed close, Nick’s arms once more wrapped around him, holding him tightly. This was an answer, wasn’t it? This was…a yes? Maybe?
He half listened to what Virell was saying, half listened to the words about his boyfriend…more to convince himself, rather than Nick, and instead, focused on the way the male buried his face against his neck, and gently exposed more of it in case Virell wanted to kiss it.
Their bodies were pressed close and Nick held the other blond tightly, with more need than he realized he had.
“…They don’t have to know…”
He murmured softly, twisting his head to press a kiss to the top of Virell’s head. “…Nobody has to know but you and me…I can make dinner…and we can spend the rest of the night…doing whatever we want…”
Nick allowed one of his hands to trace down Virell’s back, caressing as it went.
“…And nobody will ever know…I need you, Relly. And I want you so very, very badly.”
Even if it was wrong. And even if he knew he’d pay for it in the end…those thoughts didn’t matter compared to the here and now…and he was prepared to face whatever came from this.
At least, for now he was prepared.
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Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2019 9:13 pm
It was too tempting to deny himself; the exposed skin was too tempting and Virell found himself kissing along the smooth flesh.
He hated himself, in a way.
He was already nodding along in agreement; Nick was right. They didn't have to know. Virell wasn't used to monogamy, but then--he wasn't used to real relationships, either. It was in his nature to hop from one person to the next, a fleeting evening of physical pleasure and then severed ties the next morning.
It was what he was used to, but not what he wanted, and that thought registered rather painfully as he nuzzled closer, kissing with a bit more intensity.
Eric was everything he ever wanted.
Kind. Loving. Stable. Considerate. Affectionate. Real.
Eric was in this for the long run. He wasn't some one night stand, he wasn't somebody trying to use him to get ahead.
Eric cared about him. Eric was helping him make plans, helping him patch up the broken parts of his life.
And here he was, latched onto Nick like some parasite who just couldn't help himself.
And, he couldn't. There was no restraint, no will power. He wanted to say no, for Eric, but all it took was the sensation of Nick's heartbeat below his lips and he lost himself.
"They don't have to know," he agreed.
But he'd know. And, maybe every time he looked at Eric, he'd think about it. Or, maybe this was the closure he needed with Nick.
Or, maybe he was just lying to himself.
Eric was too good for him, anyway.
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