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 Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:31 pm
He didn’t want to think anymore. He didn’t want to be anymore. Ever moment awake was terrifying, and yet it crept into a numbness he welcomed but was so fleeting that it would shy away to every raw pain that came to him. The weeks were quiet. He stayed at home. There was no option otherwise. There was arranged travel to and from the various agencies and medical appointments for him, and he spoke to a member of the Blind Association about the various steps needed in his recovery and the assistance that would be there for him. The doctors’ tentative hope was that he would regain some of his eyesight, but he was terribly nearsighted to the point that he would need to hold anything a inch from his face to be visible. The beautiful world he lived in was shapes and blurs that caused him constant headaches. Listening was worse because all that he was told despite the soft tones of counselors and doctors was that this was it. This was his life now.
And deep inside he felt a seering cold pain in his chest that made him constantly repress back tears. It was embarrassing and he hadn’t been strong enough in various visits to keep them back.
After another talk and signing some paperwork to sign for his current disability and to start a learning plan to learn how to navigate his now blurrier world, he went down the few shops he could manage to the cafe to wait. It would be some time before his pickup would arrive.
In the cafe, he managed to order through speech, no longer able to see any seasonal specials and not wanting to ask (because the baristas would always just gesture to the signs.) It was even worse when he had to feel the keypad to slide his card. Credit. He didn’t want to fight the keypad for a pin. He learned the hard way that if he kept making mistakes, the card would be locked and then people would think he stole the card.
Sitting alone in the booth, he couldn’t read a book. He didn’t look at his phone. He had his headphones in to listen to music. He was lucky he could still do that. Beside him was his bag filled with pamphlets. There would be a support meeting next week. Other blind and low vision people who would try and inspire and mentor him. He didn’t want to go. Worse yet was the white cane in his bag. There would be mobility training. He didn’t want to go.
He didn’t want to do this anymore. He didn’t want to be here anymore.
He rubbed his thumb over the label of his cafe cup, staring at the liquid.
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:32 pm
The last few months, since Quinton, had been made the head of his father's company had been busy - very busy. With Quinton being promoted and taking over Seung’s position had risen as well. He’d been announced, at the same time, as the head of the South Korean branch of the company. Anything that happened there he handled and it was a lot. Things had been slow at first, it was a start up branch there, but it was picking up and it was keeping him busy with paperwork. He wasn’t upset with it though, he really wasn’t, it meant he also now had a secretary in order to assist him - he needed it.
It had taken sometime, which was understandable, to learn to balance home life and work but he’d managed to do it. He’d learned how not to overwork himself and how to come home on time, rather than spending more time at the office trying to get everything done. He had things at home to do - obligations.
Today was one of those days he had off from work and he’d decided to get some coffee for himself, he had decided to take a walk and try and enjoy the day. Pushing open the cafe door, listening to the bell above the door jingle, he felt a small smile tug at his lips as he made his way towards the counter to order. It was while glancing about the cafe, waiting for his turn to order, that he spied a rather familiar figure. “Toren.” He called out, hoping the other heard him over the usual noise of the cafe.
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:33 pm
Why am I here now. Why am I kept giving a chance to live. Why didn’t they just kill me back in the factory. I did so much. They could have snapped my neck. Why had the debris missed.
He rubbed his thumb over the smiling cafe mascot on his cup, the warmth traveling into his nerve-severed hands. A distant feeling of warmth, and the vagueness of the pressure of the cup against his skin. So much of him was off. His skin was torn and scarred. Parts of him burned. His body trained to fight and now utterly useless. He’d grow fat. Soft. Maybe it was best if he just visited the bridge.
Toren
He paused and looked up, glancing around but then frowning at that action. What am I even looking for when I can’t look?
Tugging off his earbuds, he squinted into the vague shapes of the cafe but found it pointless. Did he call out? When you thought you heard your name called, you could just look and tell. He couldn’t just yell into the care “Hey anyone say anything?” Then they’d think he was deaf too.
He paused, listened, and gave up to look back into his coffee.
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:34 pm
Watching Toren he tilted his head a bit. Had the other not heard him? Oh, he had a headset on, watching as an earbud was removed from one of Toren’s ears. Moving to order his drink, as it was his turn, he kept his dark eyes on the other. Moving, almost bumping into something, Seung didn’t have long to wait till he got his drink. With it in hand he hurried himself over towards the other.
“Toren? It’s been a long time….are you well?” It had been a really long time. Running into the other was a rare thing. It reminded him of the failed attempts at making a group of Ganymede knights...it had all failed. They were all scattered...like all the other knights seemed to be. Eventually, maybe with some luck they’d be able to get a group. But he felt it a lost cause really.
“Can I sit and join you?”
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:35 pm
He was about to place the earbud back in when he heard a voice say his name again. Looking up at the vague direction of the face of the fuzzy figure in front of him, he struggled to know who was talking with him. It was familiar, that was for sure, but then if they knew his name they had to be familiar. However, if it indeed had been a while then that meant it was a while before he even heard this person.
He was at a loss.
They spoke again and he knew that he knew this voice but felt embarrassed that he couldn't place it. How could he say he didn't recall them with them standing right there.
“Y-yeah it has been a while.” He said sheepishly to the shape.
He couldn't leave. Walking was already a chore for him and felt like a dead giveaway of how handicapped he was now. He'd have to bluff until he could place the face to the voice. He didn't have much in the form of friends so why was this so hard?!
“Yeah. You can sit. How have you been?” He asked, his eyes starting out at Seung. He slowly tugged the sleeve of his hoodie to make sure his cast was hidden. Weeks later and he was still banged up. Even magic healing didn't keep the effects of a building falling on you away. At least his face wasn't a nasty yellow purple and makeup helped else he would be stared at more.
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:36 pm
“I’ve been good. Juggling work and family. It has made going out at night interesting, I have to take turns with Terry often.” Someone had to be home to watch the twins after all. As he spoke he kept his eyes on the other. Sipping at his drink he continued to glance the other over. A lot had changed and not for the better it seemed. “Your other eye….you can’t see me well can you.” That glazed over eye, and knowing the other was fake, the other surely had a hard time seeing him if he could at all.
“It’s Seung.” Assuming the other might not be certain, not with that almost hesitant he’d caught earlier when the other agrees it had been awhile since they’d seen each other. “It seems a lot has happened - not all good.” Especially not for the other. “Do you want me to stay here till you’re done? Unless someone is going to help you get home…” Not wanting to coddle the other but wanting to help, he was trying to be as gentle as he could. He didn’t want to offend the other in some way, but he did want to help if it was needed.
“I can help you with the makeup also...if you want….I don’t think I have the right shade but my cousin might. I can help you with applying it...and teach you.” Since he had experience in using make up, he still did to this day. He didn’t go heavy on it, it looked natural, but it was something he was so used to doing back home that he continued here. He could have made some sort of joke, maybe he should have, but he wasn’t sure it would be appreciated right now. The other looked like he’d been through hell recently, considering he was trying to use foundation to cover up his face.
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:37 pm
The name Terry had him able to figure out it was Seung and he felt relieved to know who it was finally, the voice having a merry to the face. He couldn't comment if Seung had changed his hair or makeup in any way and so he let it go. He tried to summon a smile of familiarity but it faltered when Seung noticed he couldn't see. It was confusing at first as to how he knew that quickly until he was reminded that his other eye wasn't like his fake one and was clearly damaged. At least it her people thought he was half blind with the fake eye playing it's part as healthy but Seung knew better.
He was quiet for a while as the other talked. Offered his help. Offering to stay. Offering to help with the makeup he probably applied poorly. It made him hate Seung for a flash of a moment before he knew it was just his own self-hatred and pulled it back, swallowing it like a hot coal.
“I can't - see that well.” He admitted. I can barely see. “I forgot it didn't look right. I knew your voice though.” He said but didn't admit he had a hard time placing the name.
“There is a pickup for me later. It's all arranged for me. I'll be fine.” He'd just have to sit and waste time doing nothing until he could go home and do nothing.
Nothing is as nothing does.
“It's okay, Seung. I -” he paused as he considered everything. “I won't be able to patrol anymore. I'm done. You should work on other people now. It's probably best you treat me like a civilian from now on.”
He had nothing to offer and no say in the war now. This was forced retirement.
“I wasn't a very good example anyways. I only caused you problems and I never did bring together everyone like I said I would. I wasn't cut out for that life I suppose.”
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:38 pm
“Leading is hard...people are people and they are all different. You have knowledge and experience many - most - don’t. It is what you bring to the table. If people don’t want to work together it is their fault - not just yours. You cannot drag them together and force them to work together.” Shrugging his shoulders a bit. To try and force people to work together, like a group of knights, could result in lots of animosity. “You tried and that counts. You can’t patrol but you still have knowledge others don’t.” Which was true. How many others had served in the Negaverse and had changed sides?
He doubted many. The other was a resource, among other things, which was now injured beyond what could be healed as he was rather sure of that.
“Maybe it’s better you can’t be physically involved. You get time to be a person...a civilian. You can work on that part of your life finally...find yourself, or a new you rather.” He could always offer information, guidance, but he could get away from what, from what he could gather, had been years spent fighting and surviving in this war zone of a city. But he doubted the other would see it as a good thing, he seemed to have more invested in this part of his life - the fighter.
“If you want help, ever, just call me and let me know. I’m more than willing to help. At least you’ll be safe from the insanity of this city. The rest of us get to deal with dangerous holiday seasons and whatever else decides to try and kill us.” He was trying, perhaps desperately so, to make light of the situation...to make it seem better than it was. He knew it wasn’t easy, he was sure of that.
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:39 pm
He didn’t want to talk about this. He didn’t want to hear this. It was one thing to hear everyone else saying what he couldn’t do as a civilian, but it was another to be reminded of the life that had mattered most to him. The life where he felt he could make an actual difference. The one where he was approached as a teenager by one of the people he most respected to do something. A calling. A recruitment. A chance to not just be any person of Destiny City. To be something wrapped up in such a complex power play between many forces. The span of all those years and all the things that had happened to him flashed through his mind like a montage before it came back to this cafe. The tombstone to it all. The end.
“And what….what’s the point of that knowledge now. Either no one would listen and if they did, what then? What could I do then? Say something until whatever I do know is out of date and not relievent. When I’m out of touch with everything. And even then - just give advice and not know what happens after as people go off with whatever words I give them in their pocket.” He tried not to grip his cup, knowing how dangerous it was to burn himself, and set instead placed his hands on either side, his fingers flexing as the hurt and anger bubbled back up.
And Seung kept going, brushing off all of this as if it was so simple. A opportunity. A easy change for the better. “What is this to you?” He said through gritted teeth. “Is that what you want? To just give this all up and have your happy little family. Your job. Have this war just be a part time fling whenever you want to dip your toe in for a little while? You haven’t done what I’ve done. You haven’t trained to be better at this for years. You haven’t seen people die over it. You haven’t killed for it.” His voice was a hissing whisper, his anger wishing he could shout but knowing that saying anything like this in a cafe might catch the attention of someone who could heart past the cafe’s radio music and espresso machines.
“I don’t want a new life. I have had plenty of lives. I’ve already got that chance. I don’t want it if I can’t have this. I just want to be back in. I want to die fighting. I don’t want to be any pointless nobody who watches the TV and not know the truth behind it. I don’t want to just be some civilian who has whatever disaster happen to them and can’t do anything about it. Who just gets sent to the hospital or gets their energy drained because that’s all they are able to do. I don’t want to try and making something else. I put years into this already. I put my soul into this. I put everything I had into it. Why - “
His hands went to his mouth as he stifled the noise crawling at the back of his throat, breaking his sentence, before his shoulders started to shake and his vision blurred even more.
“Why couldn’t I have just died with some dignity still left.” His voice was a small squeak muffled between his fingers.
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:39 pm
He hadn’t meant to, he really hadn’t, but he’d hurt the other more than he’d thought he would. The other had mentioned his relationship and it’s poor state before...that he just couldn’t handle civilian life. As far as he figured there always needed to be a balance - something to fight for. To have a civilian life, to have friends and family, those were reasons to fight and risk your life. He’d just thought the other could use this time to develop those things.
“Toren.” Whispering as he got up and moved to seat himself beside the other, slowly he wrapped an arm about him. “I’m sorry. I just thought you could try and develop the side of your life you don’t have. You are right though...not everyone would take your knowledge and use it...some will..some won’t.” And he’d not know who used it or how it was used, not unless he was kept in the loop and even then.
“I wish there was a way to help...I would. You above most of us shouldn’t suffer. You have, as you said, done a lot for a long time in this war.” Most would think some time as a civilian, to try and find out who they were as a normal person, was something earned after it all. But Toren didn’t...he just wanted to be a fighter and he couldn’t be now. “Maybe there is fate, or destiny, and there is something more meant for you...and that’s why you’re still alive. You’re strong - don’t let this beat you.” He really wished they were closer right now, he wished he could help him more and comfort him better. The other was in pain and there was so little he could do.
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:40 pm
He couldn't stop and as Seung set a hand around him, he turned into it and let it go. He let himself cry and felt absolutely ridiculous and pathetic to be doing it in public and in front of the other. Seung had already seen him break down to fear and panic once. Now he was here to see him break down in another way to other fears and doubts.
“I don't deserve it. I've done some horrible things but - I just always thought I'd die fighting and it would be over. I never thought I'd wind up like this. I want to be there. I don't want to leave this. I don't feel like anything else is worth it. How can I do anything else when I was trying to save the world?” His words were muffled and wet as he spoke to Seung's chest.
“I'm scared. I don't want to be in the dark. To not know what's happening. To not be there anymore. I don't have anything else left. I gave it all away for this.”
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:41 pm
Running one hand over the others back, up and down, gently the taller moved to rest his chin on top of the others head. He might as well offer as much protection as he could, and sort of curl around the other to the best of his abilities. “I know, I know Toren. You explained it once, at least some of it.” He doubted he had the whole story, maybe half if he was lucky, but it wasn’t his business and it still wasn’t - especially now.
“We’ll find a way you can be a part of things. We’ll see how you can continue to help and save things. There had to be something you can do - someway you can help.” This was what the other lived for, sadly, and he had nothing else. He needed this..but how? There had to be something, he had to hope. Because if not...then what would happen to Toren?
“One step at a time. You’re clearly still recovering. That comes first.”
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:42 pm
He went quiet as he listened, hoping for a solution. Hoping that Seung knew something that could solve everything. The only consultation he had was that there might be hope. Or maybe he was telling him to focus on himself in order to buy time to see if there really was anything. There had to have been some people who had become so damaged but still wanted to fight? True, others might see it as a chance of meeting their duty and earning retirement, but he didn’t want that.
“It must be hard for you to understand.” He whispered, the crying stopping as he was still for a while.
“You have a family and a life you prefer. The uniform is second to you. You have those at home who want you to be safe. Who want your time there.”
“Do you wish it would end for you too? To not have to be in uniform anymore?”
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:43 pm
“It is hard..but I do this because I have to - to keep them safe. I don’t mind it, I just have to balance taking care of both lives because both are needed. Both are to keep them happy and safe. To do as you said - save the world.” Smiling gently, even if the other couldn’t see it, he wasn’t the fighter the other was but he had his reasons for it. He just knew a balance was needed.
“I wish it would end but not so I didn’t have to fight. I wish it would end because it would mean we’ve done what was needed - we’ve succeeded. I wouldn’t give this up - never. I’m glad I know what’s really going on and that I can help...or try to.” He wished he could be as dedicated as the other, while still not losing sight of his civilian life, and that he could become the fighter the smaller male was. There was no doubt how much the other poured into this war and how skilled he was, he’d seen only a hint of it once.
“I learned once, shortly after moving here, that I needed to find a balance. To not overwork myself in one area. I’d work myself to exhaustion - you caught me the one time. It wasn’t the only time..it wasn’t the last. I did learn though...when I nearly lost what meant a lot to me. I try and keep that now...and fight for it. If that makes sense.” Moving to gently lift the others head so he could use a few napkins to clean up the tears gently.
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 6:43 pm
He said nothing as his eyes were wiped, not wanting to comment that the balance was something Toren was no longer allowed. He didn’t have a choice of both options. He was forced into only one and deprived of the ability to help protect anyone.
“I did something. I brought this on myself.” He said, staring at Seung’s eyes. This close, he could make his face a bit more clearly.
“I captured the Queen of the Mirrors. Chained her like she did me. Hurt her like she did me.” He knew this was something not many would approve of, not even within the Negaverse. “I wanted to sedate my revenge. And you know what? I felt nothing different than before. Nothing changed.” He said, the tears continued despite Seung’s attempts to wipe them away.
“They destroyed my good eye. I deserve this, don’t you think? I ******** up.”
A hand reached up to grip the hand holding the tissue. “Seung, do you think that there are some things you can’t purify? After what I did. I killed some of them before.”
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