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 Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2019 8:23 am
It’d been a few months of silence with Sergei, and it killed her, but she had lacked a way to bridge the gap. She didn’t know what to say, and as long as nothing changed, there was nothing to say. Until now. Everything had changed. Now she knew exactly what to say, and, hopefully, it would bridge the gap. Running into him in that abandoned cabin during New Year’s as well had given her hope---even if he didn’t know it yet---that it wasn’t just a woman named Knot he had spent it with.
She texted him, and kept it simple and straightforward. A request to talk to him. Name the time and place. She was thankful when he replied, but said no more, not until it was actually time to meet. When the time arrived, the corrupt teleported, and was once again in a familiar setting. The passenger seat of his cop car. A part of her couldn’t help but feel amused. It started in a cop car, and it’d end in a cop car as well.
End...the finality of that settled on her, and black eyes sought out the man to see if he was in the car, or out of it.
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He wasn’t in the car. It was parked, and unlocked but he wasn’t in it. The man had decided to make sure nothing funny was happening around the block because it seemed like the smart thing to do.
He jogged back, noticing the white in the stark dark of his car and mentally steeled himself for whatever brought the corrupt to his door.
It was hard to be upset at her, and it was hard to apologize to her. It had been two months since he had seen her last. How did she feel now? About them? About herself? Did it matter?
He wondered if this was where they ended what relationship they had?
He slid into the car, removing his cap and placing it on the dash.
“Stillvaterite.” He greeted. The car turned on so he could run the heater on low. “Hov can help this evening?” he didn’t want to sound cold it just….sounded cold.
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Still smiled. “You can help by listening, Officer.” She replied. “I’ve got a lot to tell you tonight.”
And that was that. She didn’t bother to prolong it or beat around the bush. It was never her style to do so anyways. It was time to put it all out there.
“I know the truth, now.” She started, looking at him. “That I never made the choice to be in the Negaverse. That I was forced to be, and it’s why I lost my memories. As Olga, I had said too much to someone I thought cared about me. Someone I wanted to protect. In turn, they set up a trap at the Stables on Christmas Eve, with some other agents, and I outed myself because I thought it would protect them.” Her smile turned a bit wry, because clearly that hadn’t been the case. “They got promoted, and accepted into the division they wanted to get into.” She knew there had been more than just that---even if Machine hadn’t said it, but it didn’t change those facts. They had gained from her loss.
“Then I proceeded to be ignorant for so long. Complacent. Content with my situation until the truth started to spring up and I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I prided myself on being able to read and discern others, and I never bothered to turn that reflection on myself until now. My ignorance has hurt the people who truly care about me.” And so many others. “Friends---Nadia, you---and for what I have done, I am sorry, Sergei. I have been a fool.”
This was just the start of what she needed to tell him this evening, but she figured she’d pause here, after one more thing. To give it to him in chunks to allow him to get a word in and to process it.
“I’m meeting Nadia tomorrow. I’m going to talk to her, as well. I’m returning to Order, soon.”
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Had Sergei expected to have a truth bomb dropped on him, he would’ve taken the rest of the night off. It seemed that it was all coming together and he wasn’t sure how to act.
It felt hard, like a lump in his throat.
“That is vhat you vant?” He looked at her instead, “But more importantly….”
He stopped.
“Are you okay?” It was hard to learn the truth, no matter who it was. The person he had been warning her about had turned out exactly what he warned her about. That didn’t make it easier or right. All that mattered he supposed….that Still was alright.
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She was kind of surprised at the concern. She hadn’t been expecting a certain reaction, well, except maybe for him to get a bit self-righteous, and she would have agreed he had some right to be. “Yes.” Still replied without hesitation. “It’s what I want. I want the choice, I want to mean something, I want permanence, I want to be happy---and I will not find any of those things where I am now and a forced loyalty is no loyalty at all.”
At the question, she smiled. “I will be.” Not right now but she would be. In time.
But she still had more to say, so she continued. “Sergei, what happened to me isn’t your fault. It wasn’t Nadia’s, or anyone else’s---it was no one’s fault but my own.” And Machine’s. “It was never your job to be my baby sitter, or to be at my side constantly to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid. So it’s time for you to let go of the guilt. It’s not your burden to carry. It is mine and mine alone.”
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He tapped his fingers on the wheel as she spoke, but there was all sorts of layers of guilt beyond just her corruption. He told himself those exact things a million times over, and it had led to sleeping with her. Fighting with her.
Demanding things of her. Forcing her to look at her new life.
Was he guilty now for this change too? She seemed more inclined to want it, even positively so. This could not be possible with him alone. “Vell, At least try to remember that vhen you come back.” He sighed.
“You vill forget again.” She’d forget him again, and that was fine. He wondered if that was the case, should he fully break off anything? No expectations of the new life?
Plus there was Knot now.
“Vhat is the plan then?”
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“I might forget again.” She corrected. “I asked Nadia if I’d lose anything coming back...” She trailed off for only a moment, because this subject, well. It still tore her up. Despite all her planning and preparation, it still tore her up. That she might forget any of this time with Sergei, or on the other hand, that she would forget her time with Beringia. Dallas. Jules…
“She said it’s one side of me or the other, more than likely. So either I’ll forgot this or...my time as a civilian, but---I do have a plan. It’s already in action. I’ve secured a place to live. I have money saved. I’m working on papers for my legal documents coming back and I’ve written down what’s important---my memories---for me to read after I return. It’s not perfect but given the situation, it’s the best I can do. It’s best I hear everything from myself, instead of relying on others, this time.”
The corrupt noticed that her fingers were starting to tremble lightly, as they often did whenever she thought about what she was going to lose. Still clenched her hands, and rested them on her lap to mask the shaking. She was silent for a moment, looking out the window, before she looked back at the man.
“It’s a hope of mine, too, that if I see both you and Nadia from both of my perspectives that maybe what I feel---maybe it’ll hold me, where my memory will fail. Besides...I need to be fair. I do know your civilian identity, Sergei, so---”
It was here, that Stillwaterite powered down, and Knot sat beside Sergei in her place in his police car. “Here’s mine.” Knot’s lips couldn’t help but quirk up as she looked at him, some genuine amusement coming through, despite the situation. “You’re intimately familiar with it.” She teased.
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2019 8:24 am
Sergei was pretty sure he had been knocked over twice now. First with the information of purification and now with her powering down.
He was looking into the eyes of his Knights lover, and a one night stand in a cabin and….Oh boy.
Well he supposed it made things a little less complicated.
A hand ran through his hair and he took a deep breath, but words were hard to say because there was relief, and anger but mostly relief. So he hadn’t been ignoring Still, just learning a whole new side of her. The side without complications. What a difference it made.
“Vell.”
Words were hard.
“I guess…..” He struggled to look at her, and then he banged his head against the steering wheel. “I should’ve known.” He laughed now, mostly at himself. When Knot had been unloading on him, she had been talking about HIM.
Ahhh…..
“Vell if we are exchanging truths.” He switched to Beringia, letting the knight take over before letting the glamour fade back to Sergei. “I suppose that we are both many secrets?”
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The way he struggled---it was kind of funny. It was further kind of funny when the man clearly didn’t know how to process this and banged his head against the steering wheel. Brows lifted as she watched him, climbing higher into his bangs when he said he should have known and laughed. Should have---
Knot froze as the glamour took over him, and she stared at him.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, she should have known, too. All that overlapping---
After a moment, the woman hissed, “Son of a b***h.” Her lips pressed into a firm line as she stared. “....I thought I had a side man!” She exclaimed, and fell silent for a moment longer before another thought hit her. “Wait---I don’t have a type.” Her eyes widened as she stared, the realization of this dawning on her. “I just have you.”
She was frozen for a moment longer, before let out a laugh of her own, and Knot’s body sank into the seat. The woman stared out the window for a bit, her hand coming up to cover her mouth. Wow. There was some disbelief, surprise, of course, but then, much like the man beside her, she felt relief start to flood her system. The longer she had to process it, the more relief just took over. In the end...it wouldn’t be a choice she’d have to make between the two, not when they were one in the same.
Knot shook her head lightly. “Well---there’s two birds with one stone.” She said. “This saves me from having to hunt Brr across the city to talk.” The woman fell into another small period of silence, before she let her hand drop from her face and turned to face the man once more. There was one more thing she did need to say to him.
“Ironically, Sergei, spending time with you when you were Beringia---” Here, her smile was genuinely wry before it faded. “It gave me the insight I had been lacking before.” When they fought. “For a short time---I did want it all. I wanted you, and I wanted to stay in the Negaverse. I didn’t want to give anything up, and I did ignore the logistics but---the more time we spent together like that, I could see what you meant. That it would be temporary if it stayed as it was. It wouldn’t go any further than what it was and wouldn’t---couldn’t---mean anything more. The more time we spent together, I was seeing how good it could be---how easy it was to talk to you and be with you, how fun---I knew this was how it should be and not what I was trying for, before.”
Her lips pulled up a bit. Better to learn late than never, she supposed.
“I’m sorry for pressing you, Sergei.”
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Sergei couldn’t believe it all fell into place so neatly. It was hard to imagine Knot and Still as the same person but as he learned, there was a lot of unexpected. Her comment of a side man made him snort before shrugging.
“And here thought I had met another vomen.” He tapped his wheel and just stared off into the distance. It was a lot to take in, for one night. Truths had a way of working out. They had a way, he thought, of bringing out the colors of the world like they were supposed to be.
He did a long sigh again and then reached out to play with her hair. “I am sorry that I did not treat you vell in the negaverse” He offered, “I am not a good man to be compliant vith such things.” He looked at her now.
“So ve began anew. This time, your choice?”
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His hand playing with her hair felt nice, and now that she had gotten all the heavy things she wanted to say out of the way, she reached out to touch him, too. Fingers brushed some of his bangs to the side, and then she took his other hand in her own, bringing it over to her. “All’s forgiven.” She said, because it was. There was no benefit in holding onto it.
Knot pulled the sleeve of his jacket and uniform down enough so that she could kiss the inside of his wrist, and at his words, a sanguine smile spread across her lips as her eyes creased. “My choice...” She echoed. “Those are dangerous words, Malysh. You’re talking to a woman who’s hit rock bottom. I got nothing more to lose.” Knot paused for a moment. “I want to date you. Still. Even more so now. Exclusive, because I don’t want to share you anymore.” She grinned lightly against his skin. “And one way or another, I’m going to remember some part of you. I’m ******** either way.” She teased. “Two of the women you thought you were seeing ended up being the same---those are good odds in my favor, hm?”
She paused briefly once more. “Yes, I’m well aware I’m striking while you’re reeling still.” Her eyes creased even more in amusement. “I’m not sorry---but if it’s not something you want---I’ll respect that, this time.” She smiled a bit. “Now---I’m past the point of tolerating being halfway with you, Sergei, and when I land on the other side---it’s all or nothing for me---everything is. When I leap, I’m in it for keeps.”
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It was hard to really take in what was being said when so much was being said to him.
At least her demanding things of him hadn’t changed. It was endearing sort of in it’s own way, annoying in the other ways. He sighed, rubbing his eyes.
“You cannot purify just to date me.” He looked at her, “And also, I vill need time. You make demands again, that is not fair to me. You have choice to come back to order now, but almost allow me to make choices for myself.” He waited, “After you have purified.” His hand didn’t jerk away.
“No more demands.” He shrugged, “No more ultimatums. From either of us.” He nodded, “We vill see. I cannot make promises that I am not sure I can keep. That is hov I am. But yes…” His smirk returned, “Odds are in favor since apparently two girls are one.” It meant that he’d have to edge away from Cass as well. He wanted time to think.
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She laughed. “Sergei, that is so ridiculous I can’t believe you said that. I’m not purifying for you, you silly man, I’m purifying for me---a major perk of purifying is being able to finally date you and have it mean something long term.” But regardless, she smiled at his answer. “I’m holding you to that Malysh---No more demands, no more ultimatums, and no more contradictions.” Her brows lifted at him before her expression softened.
And that was all that could be done about that for now, as much as it killed her because she wanted a yes.
“Will you be there?” Knot asked. “When I purify.” She turned his hand, and rested her cheek against his knuckles as she waited for the reply.
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He waited a moment and really debated messing with her. But this was important.
“Yes.” It was as simple as that. He would not miss such a thing. He brought her hand up to his lips, kissing the knuckles.
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She smiled, and then it faded. This was it, and that was that. She wouldn’t linger any longer. She had said everything she needed to, and was well aware that the man needed time to himself after everything she dropped on him. “I’ll text you the details after I talk to Nadia.” Knot looked at him, and knew that this was a good bye of sorts. Not a permanent one, but it would be the end of what she was right now.
Knot pulled her hand away from his and leaned across the middle console. She cupped his face and then kissed him, deeply. She held it for a time before she parted. “Thank you.” She said, and then let go. The woman opened the car door, and didn’t look back as she got out, closed it, and disappeared into the night.
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