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 Posted: Sat Aug 21, 2004 10:49 am
Here is a poem I wrote what do you think? You can be as harsh as you want.
If the wind speaks,
Then don't we?
If the moon shines
Then don't we?
It will be a matter of time before,
Your life is lost through the black door,
You will never come back from it,
But what will you do? Just lie and sit?
Waiting for no one, but your mind's tricks?
Don't believe me, see it for yourself,
Don't cry, for the knife is on the shelf.
It's waiting for you, for the taste of your skin,
Slitting it's way down to the bone, you feel it win.
If the wolf howles,
Then don't we?
If the rabbit dies,
Then don't we?
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Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2004 5:58 pm
Great poem. It really flows very well and you can tell you didn't force any rhyme. I liked it.
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Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2004 8:39 pm
You have a fair amount of spelling errors that could be fixed, but I do like the repetition. Also, if there are always commas before "then don't we?" it should be maintained in the second line. The way that it is creates a bit of awkwardness. Quote: If the wind speaks, then don't we? If the moon shines then don't we? It will be a matter of time before, Your life is lost through the black door, You will never come back from it, But what will you do? Just lie and sit? Waiting for no one, but your mind's tricks? Don't believe me, see it for yourself, Don't cry, for the knife is on the shelf. It's waiting for you, for the taste of your skin, Slitting it's way down to the bone, you feel it win. If the wolf howles,then don't we? If the rabbit dies,then don't we? Just in those last two lines, you're also missing spaces after the commas. Please don't mind; I'm a grammar/spelling freak.
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Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2004 11:35 pm
Hey, I was supposed to correct that blaugh Oh, about the poem: Well, if I ignore the spelling and grammar errors as they're seen in the first post, I think it's... well... okay. I can't agree with the others that it has good flow. I think it's kind of "slow" actually. Nothing wrong with "slow" poems, I just personally like the ones that almost speaks themselves, the kind that are so simple, yet advanced. 3nodding
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Posted: Mon Sep 06, 2004 9:45 pm
Ohhhhh...shivers. Sounds like it could come out of the Gangrel clan book for Vampire the Masquerade, if anyone knows what I'm talking about..........mumblemumble. Yeah, what he said about gramma', yeah.
But otherwise good- very creepy
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2004 3:48 pm
Mara-ani Ohhhhh...shivers. Sounds like it could come out of the Gangrel clan book for Vampire the Masquerade, if anyone knows what I'm talking about..........mumblemumble. Yeah, what he said about gramma', yeah. But otherwise good- very creepy I really liked the poem, but you also had spelled howls wrong on one of the lines I think...
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Posted: Tue Sep 14, 2004 6:45 pm
yay i have trouble spelling, then i forget to correct it. i like typing thing up on microsoft word first were it tells me my mistakes. sweatdrop
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