Welcome to Gaia! ::

Another night, and there Eurydike was, heading to their usual spot. Just like he had the usual tupperware in his hands, the typical cigarette lit between his lips.

The only unusual thing was really the gift tucked beneath his arm, obscured by a shitty wrapping job that he'd clearly done himself. He didn't know whether she'd still think it was funny, but - yeah. The thought, he told himself, it was the gesture that was more important than anything.

It was on the usual path with the unusual thing that he stumbled over another unusual thing - and he gave an indignant (rather mortifying) little yelp, partly because coming out here alone was still kind of nerve wracking, considering, and -

Well, anyway, he'd gotten freaked out over - "The ********?" he mumbled, shifting the present and the tupperware to one hand kind of awkwardly as he leaned down to try and fish the thing out of the snow.

A wallet?

Even if he knew it was Still, he still flinched because he'd been so focused on the wallet he hadn't watched her approach, and - goddamnit, he was always a little flinchy, but ever since the whole shitshow it'd been so much ******** worse, it was a little infuriating.

"Wallet, " he said as he leaned back up with it, brow furrowed as he kind of half-tossed it open with one hand, a flash of green cash immediately greeting him. "Somebody must've dropped it. ********, hold on, lemme - oh, also, hi, " he greeted a little late, half-grinning around his cigarette and sort of shuffling to a side to offer up both the tupperware and the gift. "Kinda early, but Merry Christmas. Sorry, I"m ********' s**t at wrappin'."

She's gonna hate it.

He bit the inside of his cheek, smile unwavering.

“Yeah, for real. Looks like they got a list here an’ all, poor ******** probably out shoppin’ for family or somethin’...” Not that he knew any of that for sure, but why else the list, right?

Eurydike blinked, a little surprised by the sudden offer. “You’d do that?” Considering the costume and the whole negaverse thing probably wasn’t super helpful either, “You don’t think they’ll like... arrest you or somethin’?”

Then, his cheeks were red, but he was grinning a little more broadly with the cigarette dangling from his lip. “Still, let’s be real, if you were gonna end up on the naughty list, you’d already be there. Go ahead an’ open it.”

Wow. When she put it like that, “That does sound pretty ********’ easy, “ and he was just really pleased that she actually seemed to care about this. After all, the first time he’d come across her corrupted, he’d had to plead with her to spare someone’s starseed. This was a far cry from that. “Thanks, Still.”

Eurydike was still red, but more because he was genuinely pleased that she seemed to like it so much. So her sense of humor wasn’t changed so much. It was a bigger relief than he expected. “It reminded me of you, “ he opted to say honestly. “First time we met - you don’t know it now, but I was workin’ in a deli then, an’ ******** - never so many shitty meat puns in one place.” He hoped that didn’t make it weird or anything, just - she should know, right? It wasn’t like he was expecting it to jog her memory or anything, it was just - it was a thing that was.

Then, though, the color drained from his face. “You saw her?” He didn’t know it, but his voice shook. “You got into it with - ******** - are you okay?? Still, goddamnit, no, I’m not - it ain’t worth - are you okay?” he repeated before anyone could even get a breath in.

Eurydike couldn't help it - he laughed, and he laughed hard, both tickled and relieved that side of her hadn't died, too. "That was very cleaver of you, " he retorted gruffly with the biggest, stupidest grin on his face, clapping her once soundly on the shoulder.

Zircon. He wouldn't forget the name now that he'd heard it. That much was a given. It settled in his gut like he'd swallowed a weight, and he sighed lowly as it settled there, staring off as she questioned him on the inevitable.

"Yeah. It's true." He couldn't quite look at her as he said it. "I'm not gonna sit here an' try to justify it or nothin'. I was involved with the people behind the operation, an' I thought at the time I was doin' the right thing. Protectin' my family. I heard they'd done it before, an' I was just... bein' ********' stupid." The eternal senshi sighed again, tapping his hands idly on his thighs and chewing at the end of his cigarette. "My husband was one of the officers we got - didn't know it at the time. Found out later."

He couldn't think of anything to say for a moment. But finally, "I regret bein' involved. I didn't know her, but I still... I'm still bein' punished for it, an' I kinda think I deserve it. I just don't really... I don't know what to do with it now. Like, where the ******** do I go from here, I haven't really - "

Still didn't need to hear the whole thing. Eurydike sucked it back and glanced at her, his shoulders tight. "I - hope you don't - I mean, I hope that's not - I don't really wanna lose you as a friend, " and god he hoped she didn't think too much less of him now, hearing all that. He'd already lost most of her. He couldn't stand losing something else to that mistake.

Right. She wouldn't remember. "Yeah, " he explained, trying not to think about the sting that went with it as he had to clarify. "He was. It was a whole big ********'... mess when we found out, " to put it lightly. "We're okay now, though." Current bullshit not withstanding.

Maybe he had to look on the bright side. She didn't remember him drunk and sobbing and suicidal. Might not be the worst thing. He knew the debt he had to repay for her, and she wouldn't be bogged down from seeing... that side of him.

Bright side my a**. There's no silver linin' here, jackass.

He looked at her, relief evident in his gaze even as his voice echoed harshly in his head 'cause I honestly don't deserve you, and he took a deep breath to try and steady his nerves and ward it off. "It's a little ******** for me to try pullin' a moral high ground in this bullshit when I took part in somethin' like that, " he said honestly.

Don't say it. She doesn't deserve to be bogged down with your s**t again -

"I don't know where the ******** I fit into all this, " he ended up blurting out instead. "I try an' fight, I get my a** kicked or hurt the wrong people. I try an' back up, an' people get hurt 'cause I wasn't there. - I fight, I nearly lose my husband - I step back, an' I lost you, " and he spat the butt of his cigarette at the pavement. "I try again, I lose my eye - I say I don't want this s**t anymore, an' oh, turns out my mom's not dead, but she's a goddamn youma an' I can't just leave her there, an' - ever since I woke up, I've just been ********' flappin' around like some useless hunk of goddamn plastic - an' I'm sorry - "

He looked at her, his chest heavy. "Did I tell you I was sorry? - 'cause Still, I am. Really. I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I know you said you're fine, an' that's fine, I - it doesn't matter if you remember or not, I let you down, I did, an' I'm sorry."

"Yeah, " Eurydike said at first - and then added, feeling stupid, a rush of hot shame seeping into his face, "Well, me an' his brother. He's got a twin, another knight. It ain't like I was his sole motivation or anythin', " even if it was a major factor. He wasn't exactly downplaying himself, but Fritz was a huge factor that deserved acknowledgment.

His shoulders sagged a little. "No. No idea. I ain't seen her since... since the first time I found her, " and he really didn't feel like getting into the whole s**t show of the hospital bullshit. Seriously, every time he had a Worst Night of His Life kind of moment, something else just had to come along and trump it. "I honestly don't even know where to start ********' lookin'." Or what he'd actually do if he found her again - when he found her again.

Funny how often he heard that. It's not your fault, Eurydike. That was the only thing he had to give to Zircon, and maybe that was a little bit why he couldn't be angry: she'd been the first and only person with the balls to look at him and hold him accountable without any sugar coating. It'd been one of the worst experiences of his life, yeah. But in hindsight, it felt earned. An eye for a leg.

Would he rather have the agony of his eye being gouged out of the socket, or another dose of long festering guilt in the pit of his stomach with nowhere to go?

"It's funny, " he started with a low snort. "I was pissed, y'know, when I found out you were a senshi. I wanted to find the goddamn cat who flung you out into the world an' wring it's ********' neck, 'cause I hadn't known you long, but I knew what you were like. I knew you were sweet as ********' cake an' had a big ********' mouth, an' that's why I liked you so much. I needed somebody like that, even if I didn't say it."

Eurydike shot her a pointed look. "You can say to me all you want about you makin' some s**t bed, but the fact is, a friend's supposed to ********' be there to tell you it's a s**t bed to begin with. An' when I found out 'bout my husband bein' negaverse, an' I was gettin' in that s**t bed, you grabbed my ********' arm an' set me straight." He cleared his throat pointedly, willing the quiver in his voice away. "So you can say all you want that it's all on you, but it ain't gonna change the fact that I knew how you were an' I didn't have your back. So yeah. I feel I do owe you an apology."