Welcome to Gaia! ::

Acubens was back on her normal patrol now that her Market was up and running the way it should have been. No longer did she feel like she had to be there long after the lights were off and way before they were turned on. She still worried, of course, but it wasn't as bad any longer. And with her surplus quickly running low, it was time to get back out and around. She even liked to believe that her wraith were happy to see her, though they looked as impassive as always.

She was walked with the ghostly creature at her ankles, watching it dart here and there when it felt fresh energy. Acubens wasn't paying all that much attention, to be honest. She was just glad to have the feeling of magic back on her skin. It had always been like a quiet hum in her veins, but it felt even warmer from being away for so long. The hum was louder now. Deeper. Happy to see her again after... how long? A month? Two?

Long enough to have missed the upgrading of another eternal, Acubens noticed, senses registering an aura not far away. Better introduce herself, she thought, leaping to the rooftops to avoid the busy streets down below. It seemed like China Town never slept in Destiny city, a whole other population creeping out when the sun went down. On nights that she took off, Rhona had taken to slipping into the district to sample the foods that Xi Wang talked about for herself -- and find out why he loved them so much. Maybe this new eternal would want to get something with her.

She crested the rooftop that the energy signal was coming from and landed with the sharp clicking of her shoes. Hopefully, that wasn't enough to spook the eternal, though it did alert him to her presence at least.

"Hi," she ventured gently while moving closer from across the way. "Sorry to bother you but I'm -- " she got close enough and stopped short, suddenly realizing who she was walking to now that she could see him. Even then, she knew who he was, but her brain was having trouble catching up. She knew the shape and the colors, and even though her eyes were getting warmer by the second she didn't really understand why.

Until she did and she crossed the distance between Kiuchi and herself with quick step and threw herself against him, voice caught somewhere between joy and guilt as she asked, "when, exactly were you going to tell me about this, Kiuchi!"

"Surprise indeed," Acubens laughed, taking a step back to take in the full breadth of him. She had been present at his last power-up, but this had been on his own. And bigger than the jealousy that someone else had shared that honor with him was the pride that he had done it on his own. Without her. Which of course, was lingered with the feeling of sadness as she realized that he was finally finally finding his own feet and standing on them. The heat in her eyes turned to fully fledged tears the rolled down her cheeks in hot streams and thought she knew they were born of joy she couldn't ignore the sadness that he would soon enough not need her any longer.

But that was the plight of mothers everywhere, and above it all was pride.

"Wow, so how do you feel," she asked, cuffing the tears from her eyes and face as she broke into a smile that nearly cracked her face in half, "you're one of the big guns, now, kid. Or should I say, young man." Maybe given his station now, Acubens should stop referring to him as a child. If he wanted. "How did this happen, who was there, tell me everything! I feel so bad that I missed it but damn if I'm not prouder then hell of you."

Different. Leave it to Kiuchi to understate things. Rhona laughed musically and ran her fingers over the gauzy overlay that now draped her ward from shoulder to foot. She considered it for a long moment before she reached around him to tie the long tails of the overlay around his waist like a belt.

"When I first corrupted," she offered as she worked, "I tied my own overlays like this until I learned how to move with them. I also used to wear flats until my feet got used to the pumps."

Once she was finished, she accepted the bite that was offered to her and made a small sound of thanks as she chewed. Acubens paused, however, hearing Avoir's name, and glanced up at Kiuchi. So he'd been there and Acubens could not be. Jealousy that Acubens tamped down before stirred to life in her gut, souring what should have been a sweet morsel as it hit her stomach. More than that, however, Kiuchi talked about freezing. He'd gotten into trouble and Acubens had not been there but Avoir had.

"Katya's a good kitty," Acubens finally answered when she was able, smiling easily despite the envy and regret quickly spreading over her nerves. "But yes, please: tell me everything. Spare no detail, no matter how mundane. I want to feel like I was there."

Acubens nodded, understanding totally how Kiuchi felt about the cats.

"Yeah, I feel that too. It feels like of like we're wierd... step-family or something. But if we're going to rely on one, I'm glad we can rely on Katya. I'm sure the rest of them are great too but... I don't know. There's something about her... and I guess Benitoite is alright to."

She then grinned and nudged Kiuchi gently.

"You can trust one nega-b***h, I guess."

Acubens fell silent, however, when Kiuchi began to recount his growth experience.

The other was my mother.

"Ah," she finally said, plopping herself down on the rooftop. She gently patted the ground next to her and held the pear out to Kiuchii again.

"Come here, love," she cooed, holding out an arm to welcome him to him. Even if he didn't need to be held, Acubens felt the sudden need to hold him. To close him into her and protect him. She knew what it was like to fail, after all, and what that terrible sinking feeling could do to someone. What she could not imagine, however, was what it felt like for Kiuchi to see that terrible woman again. And how confusing it must have been in that moment.

There was that word again. Acubens heaved a deep sigh and settled back into the wall, snaking an arm around Kiuchi as he leaned on her. Of course, he didn't hate his mother. Kiuchi didn't have a hateful bone in his body. Someone could tear him apart and he'd still forgive them if they asked.

"I wouldn't advise hatred. It's hard to maintain and only hurts the one who feels it. The person who is hated doesn't care. I don't even hate Bischofite... not anymore at least. It's a very destructive emotion, and not in a satisfying way.

"And you won't get over her. She's your mother, like it or not. It takes someone specific to be able to divorce yourself from someone that intrinsically connected, and I don't think you're that person. And you shouldn't be. Take it from someone who spent a lot of time trying to hate and forget. You can't do either. The better, easier, and more productive path is to just let these things exist as they are wont to do. That woman is going to be a part of you. Like it or not. And you can't get rid of it or get over it. And she replaced you. That's more knowledge that you will have to live with. Don't bother trying to forget or whatever. You won't."

Acubens took a deep breath, the ink-black wings settling around her like old friends, reminding her of her own specters.

"What you're going to do is understand that these things, this knowledge, will always be a part of you. And they will take from you. They'll take time and energy and tears. Like children, they'll be selfish at first and ask for a lot. Maybe more than you think you have to give, but you'll give it. Because if you don't they'll take it and that's more painful. Give them what they want and they'll quiet down. And then, over time, they'll come back less and less. And they'll ask for less and less.

"That's how you live with grief. You feed it when it asks and then you leave it alone with it's quiet. That's the only way."

"If you felt anything else, you wouldn't be who you are," Rhona reassured, smoothing down the wild hair under her cheek. "And I'm not sure that I want you to be anyone else."

You make it sound like a person -- a child.

"Huh... I suppose it is a little like a child. It's hungry and selfish, like a child can be. And it's not as easy as it sounds, not at first. But I'll let you in on a secret. Pretending that it's easy is the first step to making it easy. Let it take over and it will. Refuse it access and it'll get smaller and smaller until you can manage it."

And honestly, Rhona wasn't sure how she did it either. She just sort of... did. And it killed her in the beginning. Sometimes it still did kill her. She couldn't think too long on her brother or her parents for fear of losing herself again... she may never be able to linger on them.

"Trying is all anyone has the right to ask of you. You'll try and you'll fail a few times and that's okay. God knows I still fail sometimes. But you'll get back up and keep trying. Because I'm not going to let you not keep trying. No matter what I've got your back, and that gives you an edge that the grief doesn't have. You've got support and you've got love."

"I mean," Acubens began slowly, choosing her words with nearly painful care, "It's all you. And it's all her influence. We're only the sum of our traumas and triumphs, aren't we? And in a day, a week, a month... in a year... you won't be the you that you are now. That's how life works. You aren't the you now that you were when you arrived on this rooftop, and you won't be the you that you are now when you leave."

She sighed then, glancing up at the retreating daylight as it submitted to the encroaching night.

"You need to change your language, Kiuchi. Stop saying that you need to get over it. You won't. Like I said. No one ever does. What will happen is that you will grieve what has happened to you until one of two things: you will learn to live with what happened or you'll let it take over. And your grief will determine how long it will take for one of those two things to happen.

"It's like... okay, so because of what your mother did, let's say you have... ten thousand grief points that you need to spend before you can be done grieving over what happened to you. When you wake up crying because you had a dream that you were back in that place, you're spending some grief points. When you remember something pleasant from childhood and feel complicated and mixed things that stop you in your tracks, you're spending a little more grief points. And when you talk about it like this, you're spending more grief points.

"So stop thinking about grief like a path that ends in a destination. It's not. Grief is a complex and individual thing. All you can do is feel it and try and understand where it's coming from. And then when it's over, let it leave. And when it comes back, let it. That's all. But nothing. Not one thing. Will ever drive me away from you. You are not capable of a single thing that will do that."