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 Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2018 5:52 pm
He didn't know why he was here.
Coming here, Auguste knew, was a mistake. It was a colossal, painful, idiotic mistake, and only negative things were going to arise from it. He could feel it in his gut, this wrenching, off-kilter unsteadiness that had taken root among the rest of his self loathing, crawling up into his chest and taking root there, spreading branches into his lungs until it felt difficult to breathe.
It was a mistake, and yet here he was.
It had taken him some time to come to the decision to come here at all. Auguste had not been doing much of anything in the last several months except taking walks and keeping himself separate from the rest of the world, because what else was there to do when you had ruined the only good things in your life? He was trying, at the very least, to figure out where to go from here, though the bitter sadness was eating away at him from the inside out.
It was no one's fault but his own. He knew this.
Maybe that was why he was here. A masochistic desire to be reminded of this fact, a need to have it reiterated until his heart would stop aching, until his soul would recover from the bruising he had given it for so long. Maybe that's why he had forced himself into this position.
Auguste adjusted the bag on his hand, fingers tightening. He took a breath.
Then he knocked on the door of Colin Hargrove's apartment and waited.
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2018 6:58 pm
Inside his apartment, Colin was stretched out on the floor on his laptop, looking over an Excel spreedsheet and several online real estate listings. As much as he liked living at Florence Court, he really wanted to have a place of his own - somewhere to build and grow.
He wasn't expecting anyone on his day off, but it wasn't exactly unusual for him to have random drop-by guests. The knock on the door had him pushing off the ground and dusting off the heather leggings he wore with a slightly over-sized neon pink tank with white block letters that read 'shut up & dance it out'. Checking the peephole would have been a smart thing to do, but Colin didn't always do what was smart, so he wasn't prepared at all for the face on the other side of the open door.
Auguste. "Auguste!?" Dog and master were at his doorstep, one looking ragged and abused like a kicked puppy...and the other happy and calm at it's master's side. To say that the danseur was surprised to see his teammember after six months would have been an understatement, but he had learnt the hard way that Auguste dealt with problems by running from them instead of facing them head on. Unkind. Tactical retreat is a valid choice when you feel cornered.
Time had cooled his anger, but had compounded other things. Still, he didn't shut the door in Auguste's face, nor did his expression falter over much. "I didn't expect to see you. And Pasha." Colin sighed a little bit and leaned against his door for a moment before good manners won out, "Why don't you come in."
Admittance granted, the blond made space for boy and dog to come in.
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Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2018 2:27 pm
He felt his entire body jolt into awareness as the door swung open, Colin's face appearing around the edge of it, looking...well, like he always did. Or maybe not; maybe a little older, a little rougher around the edges. Less the princely man that Auguste had initially revered and more a human being, though he was, in Auguste's mind, still as precious and impressive as he ever had been, in spite of everything.
For a few seconds, he couldn't speak, mouth slightly open, staring up at the other. He'd brought Pasha, of course, because these days he couldn't go anywhere or do anything without her, his nerves getting the better of him, anxiety creeping in when he least wanted it.
She leaned now against his leg, silent and obedient. Auguste half expected - or mostly expected - Colin to simply shut the door on him, but when that didn't happen, he felt some of the tightness in his chest decrease a little. "Bonjour," slipped out, a little hoarse, but at least not trembling like it would have before, and Auguste gave a wordless nod at the invitation, trying not to overthink.
He stepped over the threshold and took a breath, willing himself to calm down. This was as familiar a place as any; a home away from his own apartment, a place where he had learned to live and learned to love and - well, other things, of course. He had spent so much time over here that standing here now, in this protected space, he felt almost breathless with the aching familiarity of it.
Auguste turned slowly back around to face Colin, uncertain of what to do, twisting Pasha's leash around one hand while the other still clutched a brown paper gift bag, fingers curled around it. He knew he looked a little different; taller and more gaunt, a little less rounded around the edges, but Colin...
Colin's familiar presence was like a knife to his heart. Auguste swallowed hard.
"Pardonnez-moi d'intrusion," he said. "I did not mean to...interrupt you."
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Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2018 8:48 pm
Inside, the apartment hadn't changed much. The Star Trek scratcher had been replaced with another of the same and Tribble graced the top section, staring down at Pasha as though the dog were an entirely new life-form rather than a creature she'd known existed. "Would you like something to drink? I have coffee, tea, milk...I think some seltzer water." Colin shut the door behind Auguste and Pasha with a heavy click, leaning against it as he ticked off beverages verbally.
Auguste was turning towards him like he was a monster in a horror flick, fingers twisting the dog's leash nervously. We did this to each other. He set it off, leaving like that. Being angry was my right...but this is ridiculous. I'm not the boogey-man and he's not a leper. "Tea, to settle your nerves, I think. Come on, to the couch." Colin slipped back past Auguste so he could gather up the papers and laptop out of the way, setting them aside where Pasha would be less likely to accidentally step. "Have a seat - and don't worry about it. I needed a break. I hate crunching numbers."
With that, Colin swept back to the kitchenette so he could commit horrible tea sins and make two cups of tea using the Keurig in short order. Returning after a few moments with the two mugs, the danseur offered one drink over and then settled down to join his companion on the couch. "Oh. Should I, um. Bring water for Pasha too?" Though the dog could just get up and drink from the cat fountain if she wanted, he supposed. Sipping his tea gingerly due to the heat, Colin looked over Auguste thoughtfully; he looked thin. Rougher than he had. Stop that, you look older too. None of us ages gracefully under stress. "So."
It was awkward. He was trying. They had been communicating - slowly, carefully - for some time now, but it had never been in person. Colin's nature was not actually a forgiving one, but he was trying because Auguste was not someone he could just throw away for a variety of reasons. "Um. Hi." You look like hell. Are you even taking care of yourself? "Did you come by as a social call, or...is there something I can do for you?" Although he went straight to the heart of why Auguste had come, there was still nothing sharp in his tone. In her scratcher, Tribble rolled to regard Auguste, yawning in his direction imperiously.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2018 7:40 am
He both did and did not want to be here.
It was a complicated set of emotions that was tangling up his heart and making his head feel like it was stuffed full of cotton, a painful sort of ringing sensation that Auguste was doing his best to ignore. He gathered Pasha's leash in his hands for something to hold onto, some sort of minute action that he could do that was not tugging at his own hair or picking at his fingernails. Pasha made him feel safe; he could handle that.
Ushered over to the couch, Auguste gingerly took a seat, his dog obediently following. He snapped his fingers, pointing, and she stretched out beside the couch, her head coming to rest on his feet, silent and comforting at the same time; a gentle reminder that he was not alone in this.
Colin was bustling around getting things ready. Auguste glanced over at him and then away, feeling his chest throbbing, and then, when the tea was passed to him, accepted it with a quiet nod and only the slightest tremble of his fingertips, wrapping his hands around the mug. The warmth seeped into his palms, pressed outwards against his skin; he could feel Colin watching him, and this too was a pressure and a curse and something else altogether.
The air felt thick with unspoken words. Auguste took a small sip of tea and then lowered his mug again, swallowing the hot mouthful without considering how hot it actually was. "No, she's fine," he said, after a moment, slightly delayed because his mind had been occupied. "Thank you, though."
The awkward silence stretched out. Auguste took another sip and tried to figure out how he wanted to actually answer the question that had just been posed to him. Why was he here? Why had he come back to this place, this place he had grown and learned and loved and then left, because he h'd thought he'd had no other choice but to leave? Why had he done this?
What did he hope to gain from this?
The answer wasn't clear, and neither was the hope. Auguste didn't know what he wanted anymore.
He shrugged and took another swallow of hot tea, letting it burn down his throat, a reminder that in spite of everything, he was still alive, still breathing, still capable of existing in this world that now seemed so foreign and so muted to him. The fear that had stemmed from his initial foray into Destiny City - fear mingled with excitement and anticipation - had long since dulled. He felt...hollow.
He felt nothing and everything simultaneously.
"I...just thought I'd come by," said Auguste at length. "To see how...how you were doing. And I brought you this - "
He reached for the plastic bag he'd set at his feet, extending his hand out to Colin.
"It's just some macarons. A house gift."
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Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2018 6:53 pm
In response, there was only a shrug, imprecise and inelegantly dismissive. Colin felt his temper prickling under his skin- If you don't know why you're here, then why are you? What purpose does this serve? He took a steadying breath and observed Auguste's body language instead: tight, closed in. Wary. Quaffing the scalding tea so that it must have hurt, but seeming to not care about the pain. Be patient, you're in no hurry.
Waiting proved to be the intelligent thing, as Auguste spoke again and offered a gift of macarons. Colin set his tea aside and took the bag, surprised and delighted as he removed the offering from the plastic conveyance. "Ah! These are Aquafaba macarons, aren't they? You remembered~" Aquafaba allowed for Vegan-friendly macarons and although Colin wasn't strictly Vegan, often it was simply easier to pick up desert items that were. "They look delicious, thank you Auguste."
Immediately he opened the package and offered one to his guest. "I'm well enough, I suppose." There was no point in complaining, he was healthy, he could dance. If he missed being surrounded by his friends and family...that was neither here nor there. "Had to get a new scratcher for Tribble, I fell into the other and broke it." Colin shrugged a bit, gesturing to the bode calico on her throne.
"And yourself?"
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Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2018 9:26 am
It was a masochist sense of satisfaction that stemmed from the combination of the scalding tea and the continued awkward tenseness in the room. Colin seemed to be either waiting for him to come to his senses, or waiting for him to say something, neither of which was likely to happen, because had lost his senses long ago and now had no idea of what to say. It felt like he was wading closer and closer to the edge of a drop off beneath the ocean and there was no way of seeing where he was about to disappear.
His fingers wrapped more tightly around the mug. Auguste nodded slowly.
“I know it’s what you prefer,” he said, which was true, because even if he hadn’t been here, even if he had left, some things remained unable to be forgotten. “I was walking past, and noticed in the window that they were having a bit of a sale, so I decided to get you some.”
There wasn’t exactly a smile on Colin’s face, but there was the suggestion of one, paired along with the clear - and slightly surprising - happiness in his voice at the gift. Auguste felt something inside of him tighten and then unwind, unravel, like his heart had decided to let go of something precious, watching it tumble along into the depths again.
Auguste shook his head at the offered macaron. “I’ve already eaten, but thank you,” he said, and nodded, taking a small swallow of tea. “I’m glad to hear that you’re still...doing well. And so is Tribble,” he added, with a glance at the cat, who was now stretched lazily out across the floor, legs extended. Pasha pushed her nose against Auguste’s ankles in quiet support.
He didn’t even know how to answer the question that Colin gave him, and it was such a simple, unobtrusive, expected question. Auguste stared down at his tea, watching the amber colored liquid lap gently against the sides of his mug.
“I’m all right. Still looking for a place to live, but it isn’t really a priority at the moment, so I haven’t found anywhere quite yet.”
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Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:07 pm
"It's very kind of you." Colin put the Vegan friendly macaroon into his mouth and savored the flavor; the air between them was still frightfully tense but there wasn't much to be done about it that he wasn't already allowing for. Even this much was so hard for the danseur when he was still buried under hurts and had such an unforgiving nature.
The smile that curved his lips with pleasure at the unexpected gift faltered but didn't disappear with Auguste's rejection that they share in the edibles. If the other man wasn't hungry, then he wasn't hungry. Tribble stretched her paw out over the edge of the scratcher at Auguste, rolling onto her back in a mountain of fluff.
Hearing that Auguste was still looking for a place to live after all this time was surprising, to say the least. Alarming if Colin took it one step further and considered that the man before him seemed to care very little about engaging in self-care or finding a permament home, that he might still be staying in the selfsame place Colin had left him nearly seven months past. Concern creased Colin's brows and pulled the corners of his mouth down into a frown, he wanted to say 'Auguste, please tell me you're not still staying at the extended stay motel...' but that was too familiar, too close to the relationship they once shared and the blond no longer held the right to chide in such a manner.
Instead, he rephrased it. "Are you still at the extended stay motel then? The one near the dog park?" Colin glanced down at Pasha, still and quiet and pressed close to her master for emotional support. Is this really Auguste? Six months of no contact, then a note before a year of no contact...after which another six months of tentative contact could be added. A great deal can happen in two years. He knew this to be true - after all, he'd nearly self-destructed himself in that amount of time - and now here was Auguste doing the same.
"I was actually looking into the same sort of thing. Finding a new place, that is. I love Florence Court - don't get me wrong, but I kind of want something I can modify more. Some place with a home studio, definitely. And more closet space." Was he rambling? A little bit. It was awkward. "You know, I think there are probably apartments here that are open. I can't say for certain, and there are those rules - you remember. Ah, oh but you might not want to live here. Um...."
Colin sighed at himself for being him and reached out gently to put a hand on Auguste's knee, that trail of conversation falling off as he changed tack with a low voice. "Do you remember when I was being an ungodly idiot and not taking care of myself properly?"
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Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2018 5:43 pm
The tension was so thick it felt like it was an almost tangible thing, just on the heels of an awkwardness so pronounced that Auguste was almost breathless with it. He knew the anger and the hurt and the betrayal had not yet abated. He knew that he had no right to Colin's friendship or his care anymore. He knew that he had lost almost everything that he had once had, and that it was now eating him away inside.
He knew that he had no one anymore, not the way he had had before, the one that he had wanted more than anything, the one that he had started to fall for, and who was now...gone. Gone, wherever he was, in a place where Auguste couldn't reach him.
Colin, too. Colin, and the rest of them.
The tea was scalding. Something in Auguste was threatening to unwind, to collapse.
"I am," he said, still in the same calm, reserved voice, almost distant, Auguste's gaze forward, not looking at Colin. His face, even from profile, was gaunter than it had been before he'd left for his homeworld, sharpened features edging out the former roundness. "It's not so bad."
And it wasn't. Lonely and pitiful, but not awful. Auguste had seen awful before, and this was not it. He said quietly, "A home studio would be nice. Some place you can dance."
He had not danced in over a year. It felt painful, as did the touch to his knee, which felt like fire burning him, and the instinctive reaction was to jerk away, though he didn't do that. Auguste closed his eyes, still holding his cup of tea in his hands, then opened them again, staring into nothingness.
"Yes," he said, "I remember."
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Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2018 7:27 pm
No, the extended stay motel wasn't a bad place at all. Colin had recommended it himself, after all.
But it wasn't a home. It was a place of transition, where folks stayed only while they were on their way to somewhere - or something - else.
Yet Auguste had settled. Dissociated from life as he was from their conversation, apparently. As he had been from the planet while away on Thyrmr for that entire year, though the pale haired man sat the same couch as Colin himself. Was it a broken heart? Guilt? Self-loathing? Everything and more rolled up with a perverse need to punish himself because then at least he'd feel something? Probably. Colin remembered it well. Quenton had done a splendid job of unstupiding him, but it had been...difficult.
Impossible to say if he could be even a fraction of that for Auguste.
"Well...now you're the one in need of an intervention." The danseur's hands reached to take the coffee mug from Auguste and set it aside so that he could take up those cold, pale hands instead. "You can't go on like this, Auguste. Any more than I could."
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