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 Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2018 7:11 pm
Colin's lips curled into a moue of distaste, not because the room was shabby (it wasn't) or because the inhabitant of the room displeased him (he didn't), but because Lorne had insisted that staying at his apartment would be too much of an imposition.
An imposition. For the love of Christmas cookies!
But here he was, bringing a home-cooked vegan lasagna dinner to the hotel (one that would rent by the week for a reasonable price) for the dear idiot so they could eat. And so that Colin could hear about Lorne's first day of work back in Destiny City.
"Open up sweetheart, I brought dinner!" Don't make me kick this flimsy a** door down, because you know I can and will. The curly haired danseur waited to be allowed access.
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Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2018 7:27 pm
This was, of course, probably the worst time that Colin could have dropped in - and the worst part was that he'd honestly half expected it. Lorne should have called - well, no, texted him. Warned him. But in all reality that probably just would have made him come sooner, and Lorne kind of hoped he could pull it together before he heard the knock come at his door. That was not the case. Lorne opened the door and peeked around the frame of it, giving his best smile to try and mask the fact that his eyes were tinted red and noticeably bloodshot. He was still wearing his suit from work, sans the jacket, sleeves rolled up. His face was unnervingly pale although not without a tint of red - it was not his usual blush, but something else. The slip of paper from Nadia was still on his bed. He'd been staring at it for hours. "Hi..."
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Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2018 11:33 pm
Lorne rarely initated calls - in the entire time that he'd been off teaching away from Destiny City, Colin could have counted the number of times Lorne Benoit had called him on two hands (twice were butt-dials). It wasn't a lack of caring that made Lorne like this, but anxiety and a wont to not be in the way. Colin and Nadia had known this about Lorne as all good lovers should, and had reached out to him instead of waiting for the reverse.
When the door opened, the face that greeted the danseur was not what he expected, at all. As pale as Lorn usually was, he was practically translucent now, with red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes and a desperate sort of almost un-hinged look to him that wasn't at all normal. He looks like hell, s**t - what happened today?
Brows drawing close with concern, Colin lifted one hand from the tote he'd used to carry dinner to touch Lorne's cheek. "Oh baby, what happened? Come on, let's sit down and talk about it, okay?" A peek may have been all that Lorne opened the door for, but Colin would make his way inside, body following hand as he leaned in and up to place a kiss at the corner of his mouth. Once he was inside, well. He could set his tote down and see about getting this big sweet puppy to talk.
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Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2018 5:09 am
Colin allowing himself inside was something that Lorne more or less expected; it wasn't an intrusion, just as the mostly closed door was not necessarily a means to keep the blond out, but a way to try and keep himself together. The touch was reassuring, although he has to make an active effort not to flinch, recalling the same from Nadia back in the park that morning. The damp warmth of that kiss lingered, and he smiled a bit, weakly, although it didn't make him flush pleasantly like he would on a good day. He shut the door and leaned against it, looking down at the floor and sighing. "I I'm sorry, I really - I know you came to just - Colin, I-I'm sorry, but I - I... I did something bad. I did not realize it was bad, then, b-but... " Lorne sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, worrying his lower lip between his teeth and trying to just say things clearly. "I - I haven't been - I never told you, I - haven't been in - in touch with Nadia for awhile, a - a long while actually. I - she was s-so busy in Russia, and I - I wanted to support her, it was her dream, and - " He stared hard down at the floor. "I - I thought she was happy there, and I - I was unhappy here, " and Lorne didn't give any more detail than that; it was a wonder he even got that much out. "We were both so busy, a-and... I just - I just stopped mailing. I-I thought it would be better but - " His shoulders tightened. "I saw her today. S-she was so angry, so hurt, she - I didn't want to hurt her, " and his voice ached as he said it. "T-that was the last thing I wanted, a-and I went to work, a-and I will go again tomorrow, I - " It sounded pathetic that the thought of work should have him this worked up, but it was a new job. New children. New anxiety. This wasn't like when he was in college and he could miss classes for a day to sort himself out. He'd gone into work on the verge of a panic attack, and every time he thought about what had happened, Lorne felt ready to panic all over again.
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Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:07 pm
"It's okay. Just breathe and go slow." Ever patient when it came to Lorne's stress-induced stuttering and halting, Colin moved in so he could take Lorne's hands in his own. It was difficult to listen quietly as someone he cared for gaslighted himself, but it seemed important that the tall man get these things off his chest before Colin interjected anything.
At a familiar name - Nadia - Colin's jaw set. Not with anger, but with pain. They had tried, initially, to keep in touch long distance. Of course, he had been surprised and happy for her getting the chance to study ballet abroad, but the strain of such things really was a bit much. There were reasons that Colin had broken off his romantic relationships before going abroad, and it had proven plain with the way their schedules rarely lined up. Time zones were a b***h.
Hell, it had been hard enough just keeping in contact with Lorne, and he had only been hours away, not half the world.
"Nadia," Colin said slowly and with great care as he pushed aside his own feelings, "Made a very important choice about her career, as did you. Maybe mistakes were made because communication broke down, but--" here the blond gave Lorne's hands a firm but gentle squeeze, "Neither of you is singly at fault. It takes more than one person to have a relationship, sweetheart." All relationships contained two or more contributors, which meant when something broke down or failed, there were multiple people that needed to shoulder responsibility - not just one. Sure, Lorne could be really bad about calling, writing, or even texting - but that just meant if you knew these things about him, you had to be the one to reach out more. And if you were busy, like he and Nadia tended to be? Well, it meant you didn't get to connect as often as you might like, which was a pity.
Before Lorne could work himself up into a panic attack, Colin pushed him into a chair and sat in his lap, both legs off to one side. "Hi." The danseur took one of Lorne's hands and held it over his heart, "Feel that? Feel me breathing? I want you to breathe with me, okay?"
"Nadia loves you." Colin measured his breathing like he did for meditation, slow and even. "She's hurt. You're hurt." He was absolutely not going to let Lorne go until he'd calmed him down at least a little, "Communication is the key here. C'mon sweetheart, just breathe with me - it's going to be alright." There can be no resolution until you talk to her, open and honest - without trying to be noble. You need to be selfish about what you want so she knows...and then you compromise. Oh Lorne, I'm the last person you should be listening to for relationship advice...
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Posted: Tue Jul 17, 2018 11:17 am
Lorne didn't say much through all of this. It was a testament to his level of trust in Colin that he allowed the blond to be as close as he was - and it was true that with Auguste and Nadia out of the picture, with Colin (almost stubbornly) standing by him, this was the one real close bond he'd maintained throughout the last several years. He was trying to focus on calming down, partly for Colin's benefit and partly because he was exhausted. He'd been on or over the brink so much today; he probably would've given almost anything to just feel okay. "It was before I went away that I stopped, " he admitted quietly. "Just before. It was too hard with school and her job, and I was just... " He felt himself choking on words. He tried to breathe with Colin and calm down. "I wanted so badly to tell her to just come home. It was too much for me. A-and... I hated that." He blinked furiously, sucking in a frustrated breath between his teeth. "That sounds like Archer, not me. S-so I just..." Lorne bit his lower lip. "She shouldn't love an idiot like me. However I look at it, I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot for thinking she'd want to stay, I'm an idiot for thinking she'd want to go, I... I only ever just want to do the right thing for her."
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Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2018 2:20 pm
The worst part about loving someone was when you couldn't help them or make their situation better. Colin had learned this the hard way over the years, but that didn't change the fact that when situations like this came up in his life they were still damned difficult. Lorne was beating himself up over pulling away and while there was definitely some blame to sit right on his lovely shoulders - because it was rare when one could remain blameless when a relationship failed - Colin knew it wasn't just his fault and it hurt to see him attempting to pull the entirety of Blame Mountain down around his ears.
"I know sweetheart. I do. You...and Auguste both were pulling away from us." For very different reasons, but the effect had been much the same in how it had led the two away from those they loved. "Lorne, we're allowed to feel selfish with relationships. And to express these things during discussion.. It really would have been good to tell her. Or us. But that's past now."
Colin hugged Lorne, sighing softly. "You love her so much you're stupid with it. I know. I'm that way with my Nalle." Even years apart hadn't changed that, which was kind of scary in a way to be so devoted to a person. But he did understand. "You need to talk to her again, and to figure out what you both want now. Because...I know how much you both love each other and that's too special to give up." Were they idiots? Who knew. It wasn't Colin's place to surmise either way save for in the most basic of ways. They were young and people that were young and in love tended to make stupid mistakes.
Bringing up Archer wasn't a good sign though. "Talking to her about what you want, isn't being like Archer. He's garbage and forced his agenda on you. There's a difference in talking about possibilities and compromises and what that piece of s**t did." There was a huge difference - huge - and he wanted to make certain that Lorne understood that as well.
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Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2018 1:43 pm
All this said, with Lorne trying to take it in, he took a moment - probably in the best way he could have, plopping his forehead down against Colin's shoulder and just burying his face there, groaning lowly in a way that wasn't really productive but somehow made him feel better. "You just came to be wonderful as always and bring me dinner." He knew what Colin would say to that. But he really wished he was just easier to deal with. He wished he could just handle these things like a normal person instead of an atomic melt down. Another long sigh left him. He didn't lift his face from Colin's shoulder, so his voice remained muffled as he went on, "I wanted to tell her to just come home. I wrote the words so many times, but I just... even time I looked at myself saying it, I didn't like the voice I was hearing. She's so beautiful and talented, I don't... want to deprive her of that. And that is what reminds me of Archer; I don't want to share her even if it is her dream and that just... it doesn't sound like me. I don't want to be that kind of a person." He bit down hard on his lower lip. A gesture Colin could surely feel. "At first it was just a little, but the voice got louder and louder until that's all I could think to say. Maybe I could have told you, or... I don't know. I was just really ashamed. I still am."
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Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2018 2:12 pm
Lorne's head found his shoulder, prompting Colin to cup the back of his head like something precious, to squeeze the back of his neck encouragingly and give a soft little laugh. He wasn't always wonderful by any means, but now wasn't the time to argue things like that, so instead Colin settled for carding his fingers through Lorne's hair and dragging well manicured nails lightly along his scalp in what had once been a favored method of soothing the dark haired ball of anxiety.
Part of what Lorne was saying didn't quite strike true to Colin, however - how could Lorne have not wanted to share Nadia, when he had already been 'sharing' her with him? Or was that too part of the problem that Lorne was having issues articulating?
"You mean share her with strangers? Like when she's on stage?" The danseur's fingers continued their ministrations, he wanted to hear everything that Lorne had to say, to figure the situation out because that's what was needed. "Being possessive isn't necessarily shameful, Lorne. I do wish you'd talked to us about things though. We could have helped you - helped each other." That was what they did, wasn't it?
Or had been?
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Posted: Mon Aug 27, 2018 3:16 pm
It was an interesting line of questioning, interesting because Lorne himself hadn't gone deep enough to ask himself any of that. The minute he'd felt something like possessiveness, he'd immediately pulled back - far back, too far back. "It's not like that, " he could at least answer that without much hesitation. "I just..." He paused, thoughtful, mulling over his words to get them just right. "I want her to be able to do what she loves. I mean just... I wanted her to be with me. Not in Russia. Or maybe I wanted to go to Russia too? - I mean, I wouldn't have minded if she'd wanted me to, but she never did ask, and - " Lorne flinched. "Should I have asked? I - I didn't want to just... I don't know..." He sighed, hugging Colin a little more tightly, and he felt bad. So often he relied on his friend like this. But - "I felt like I wanted more and if I said it, I'd be making her miserable or guilty for doing what she loved. I didn't want that."
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Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2018 11:19 pm
Patience was a virtue that Colin had learnt the hard way - was still learning, in perpetuity - so he gave Lorne the time needed and was rewarded in doing so.
The answer might have been a bit fragmented and strewn about, but it was raw and honest and spoke volumes about how this glorious puppy of a man was working through his own thoughts and feelings right then and there. "Oh Lorne, you could have asked. What the answer would have been...we can't really know. I mean, we can speculate all we want - agonize over what might be different if you had, or if a hundred other things had been different...but it really wouldn't matter, because we can't actually change the past. And beating ourselves up about it doesn't do any good either."
Lorne's hold on him was just on this side of too-tight, but he only huffed a bit and kissed the shoulder before him. "Archer ******** up your ability to tell what's appropriate when it comes to wanting more in a relationship, and that's tragic." He leaned back, shifting his hands so he could lift the other man's head - this was something they ought to say facing one another, or at least Colin wanted to. Perhaps a direct gaze would help the message sink in.
"You are allowed to want more. You're allowed to ask your partner - or partners - if that's in the cards. There is no penalty in communication in a healthy relationship." The blond had as serious an expression as he ever did, Earth green eyes full of affection and love and an earnestness that spoke of how much he wanted to impart this information to Lorne - to burn the knowing of it into his very soul. "It doesn't make you awful or like Archer. Being a manipulative, abusive piece of s**t would...and you're none of those things."
"The fact that you are - and have been - agonizing over this...pretty much excludes you from the 'Garbage-like-Archer' club, sweetheart."
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