[FINISHED] it's okay to stop [ a'ye + falienn (with oyath)

[houllow]

"How're you feeling?" A'ye looked up at the green dragon who loomed above him, her shadow casting down and giving him welcome shade in the afternoon's heat. He held several dirty bandages in his hands; they were streaked more with sweat and salve than anything else now, and that left a satisfying feeling in both rider and dragon. Threadfall had been nearly a month ago, after all, and even though her wounds had been severe there was no reason for her to heal ridiculously slow.

The green lowered her head down as her rider motioned, and he touched where the angry wound once stood, now replaced by healed yet raw skin. "It's looking good, you may not even scar." Oyath huffed, clearly uncaring if she got a scar or not. Many others who had endured less in Threadfall looked worse, and so who was she to judge or care. "...you're Oyath. Judging is basically all you do." When no response came aside from the dragon rolling her eyes and moving to sit properly, A'ye chuckled.

It was an empty and lazy enough day, with the rider being firmly told he wasn't allowed to work. Something about "not working yourself to death" mixed in with "Go away, A'ye" had been all he remembered from his Wingleader's conversation, and so the man sat with nothing to do. Eventually he'd think about going and getting something to eat, but for now? For now he lazed against his dragon and watched the world go by.

ShinosBee

 

[ShinosBee]

Why would anyone want to be a dragonrider? Neverminding the fact that Pern would die without them, why would anyone want...that? Falienn, on his continuing mission to decide his future, had spent the first half of the day perched on the outer edge of the bowl, just watching dragons and their riders go this way and that. Many, after the recent threadfall, were scarred or wounded, wrapped in bandages or still limping through the skies. Their riders too had seen better days, many similarly wrapped.

All that pain. Someone had to. But why would any one individual of them want to? The dragons he understood. They had been made to fight thread. But the people? People wanted to survive, to live easily and without pain. Was having a dragon really worth this? He'd seen riders blinded, limbless, and of course, there were those who died.

He was on his feet, heading for a nearby greenrider before he could think too much about it. He was unwinding bandages from his dragon—and wasn't that unfair too? Your dragon got hurt, and you had to feel it too! He squinted up at the raw flesh on the green, nose wrinkling at the sight. Could he handle a life where he had wounds like that too? Because apparently, on rider or dragon, either way he'd get the joy of feeling the pain.

houllow

 

[houllow]

Oyath had been softly nuzzling her rider in a rare moment of affection, her eyes faintly lavender against her dark green hide. It felt nice to feel the concern from A'ye, his happiness at her healing, and he relief over how well she looked. There was no one else on Pern who could ever love her like he did, that was for sure, and such moments like this were her treasure. What she did not appreciate was someone coming over to interrupt them, and her eyes instantly whirled red as her head snapped up. A low rumble issued from her scarred throat, and she leaned in an effort to keep the encroacher back. The rumble increased in volume and was transformed into a narrow hiss. This one was not welcome. This one was nothing but trouble, she could feel it oozing from him.

Oyath. A'ye pressed his lips together in warning, his mood confused over her instant sourness. Certainly Oyath disliked everyone, or...mostly everyone, and maybe she was still in pain from her wounds, but this level of sass? Uncalled for. Placing a hand on his dragon's leg, A'ye offered a smile towards the youth. He assumed, by his age, that he was a candidate. "Don't mind her, she's just grumpy from being grounded for so long." The green hissed again, and once more A'ye mentally warned her. Enough. If you can't be nice, go back to the weyr and sleep off whatever this is.

Oyath shifted as though A'ye's words had slapped her, and she lowered her head a bit. The hissing stopped, though the anger in her eyes remained. He is no good. Considering she said that about everyone, the rider didn't take her too seriously.

"Anyway, is there something I can do for you?" He'd seen this boy around before, he thought, or rather the look of him was....familiar. A face he knew, but no on someone this young. It'd bother him in the back of his mind until he remembered, for sure.

ShinosBee

 

[ShinosBee]

The green's eyes bled red, her head lowered, she hissed, and in a breath Falienn was back on Western's hatching sands, seeing that green charging, jaws open, teeth flashing, pain—! He'd taken a shaky step back before her rider seemed to soothe her, and slowly he felt the haze of trauma recede. I thought dragons couldn't hurt people after they impressed... His heart was thundering like a startled wherry in his chest, and he knew he must have paled. He could feel an icy sweat drip down between his shoulders, and in the moment he realized that he would much rather be talking to anyone else than a greenrider.

But there was no time. None. And he'd already started this, and now the rider was talking to him too. Something about the green having been grounded from the threadscore, but his ears were still full of months-gone screams.

"...something I can do for you?" He shook himself mentally just in time to catch the question, his tongue flicking over his lips as his hands twitched, one up, splaying over his tunic as if to physically settle his heart, the other clenching and loosening in pulses at his side. Get it together before his dragon thinks you're some thunderstruck drudge or other tasty snack.

"—Rider?" He choked out, then coughed, wincing as his throat spasmed. A moment to get his breath. "Why? Why would you want to be a rider?" He'd just soldier on. What else could he do? "Her scoring. You feel that, right? Why, why would you ever want a reason to feel more pain?" It made no sense to him. He didn't understand why they did it. "How is she worth all the, all the pain?" How could any dragon be worth even the pain Falienn had already been put through? how could they be worth even more?

houllow

 

[houllow]

A'ye was taken aback by the sudden question, as was Oyath. A whirl of confusion slipped through the red, and the green tilted her head as A'ye tapped her leg in comfort. How could anyone think a dragon wasn't....worth it? I am worth it, right? Even when I cause trouble. She turned and looked down at A'ye, who only continued to pat her leg as his thoughts tumbled through his mind like a rock down a hill. ...Mine? The silence in his thoughts and words had Oyath nervous, and her eyes flickered yellow.

She need not have worried, as A'ye simply smiled and leaned against his dragon. "Because I love her, and she loves me." His answer was short and sweet, and it sent a streak of purple through the red and yellow and orange. "Oyath loves every inch of me, loves me for who I am as a person and nothing beyond that." The green may have crooned, just a little. "She's worth all the pain because....what love isn't? She's my other half, my heart." He knew he sounded ridiculous, gushing on about his dragon in the same way a fresh from hatching rider pair would but it was all true. Oyath loved him more than he could ever love himself.

"And yes, I do feel her pain. But I also feel her love, her lust, her anger. Wounds heal and forgiveness is sometimes the best balm." This likely wasn't helping. A'ye was trying so hard to place this child, to place the face and the sudden confusion and rage. It saddened him that someone could just question but at the same time....it was okay to question. Part of him even wondered why he never questioned it, knowing what he knew now. Would he have agreed to stand, or would he have watched from the crowd?

I would have still chosen you, even if you were not on the sands. I would have found you. A'ye's cheeks reddened a little at the certainty in his dragon's tone, the purple in her eyes still apparent. She had found him so easily on the sands, coming over to him and making demands. Her claws had -

Claws.

Oh.

A'ye knew who this was.

"But you're not really asking me, are you? I know who you are."

ShinosBee

 

[ShinosBee]

Because of love. The answer was...unsatisfactory. The bitter truth was that, though Falienn had shared lust and friendship and experiences with many a person over the turns...he'd never known love, never felt love. How could you explain your favorite color to someone who was blind? It was just a word, and it meant next to nothing, though he knew that many a person seemed to think of it as the be-all and end-all of existence's purpose. Finding love. He could stand there all day, all week, all turn and watch A'ye and Oyath love each other, but he couldn't feel it, couldn't grasp it from the outside looking in.

He simply stared back at the rider as just who he was seemed to snap into place. As if the ravaged voice and scarf over just-hidden, gnarled tooth-mark gouges on his neck hadn't been a neon flag to anyone with half a mind to look for them. "I am asking you. Though I can't say that your answer's helped any." Pain was pain, and he knew that very well. He had plenty of his own lust and anger too, and the idea that he could somehow feel more than he already did...it was like saying you could be more alive than you were otherwise. More awake than a person fully alert at midday. It did not make sense to him.

"So if she died, you'd want to die too?" He charged ahead, almost angry at the thought that a person would just throw their lives away like that. He'd felt the edge of death, and even more than standing again, he feared that looming darkness, the nothingness that waited between to claim them all eventually. "You don't think that's strange at all? You don't just want to live for yourself? She's worth, her love is worth even that pain?" It was a cruel thing to ask, but he felt himself growing more manic with need to know. Was it just him? Was he the defective one, unable to parse this one emotion enough to be like everyone else? Maybe, maybe. Maybe he really was the one there was something wrong with.

houllow

 

[houllow]

"Of course she's worth it - any relationship is worth the pain and suffering that comes with." A'ye words came out like a whip, snapping hard at the end. "Would I be willing to die if she left me? Could I carry on without my dragon and live the rest of my days half-broken? I don't know." The greenrider felt his hand ball up faintly against Oyath and his knuckles rested on her hide. She turned her massive head down to look at him, the dark red of her eyes hiding just the faintest flecks of purple for him. This conversation was not hers to have, despite how much she wanted to add to it. There was much that involved her, this boy questioning how much her love was worth and all, and oh she longed just to let him know what she thought. "Once I might have said that when she dies, I die too but that....that's something I'm not sure about anymore. I love Oyath with all of my heart and soul, but there's someone else I love too. People I love, someone I...want to spend the rest of my life with."

His face turned faintly red at that admittance, though it was very unlikely the teen before him would have any idea or any concern. He'd come to A'ye for answers that couldn't be given, or so it seemed, but the greenrider was willing to try and help. No one deserved to be left alone in this world, even someone who - according to Oyath was rotting from the inside out.

Just how he was rotting she didn't explain, but A'ye was slowly catching the clues and following the path. This was the boy who'd mauled at Western, who'd had his throat torn by a dragonet who'd gone on to kill someone else. His words weren't coming from a place of ignorance, A'ye decided, but rather fear. There was also the small note of him being a certain bronzerider's son a burden he'd wish on no one.

"But you know...you can stop. You don't have to live the life of a dragonrider." His words were calm and collected. "You can say no to standing on the Sands at the next hatching, say no to watching from the Stands on the off chance a dragonet spots you. You can live your own life, and not follow in the expectations and shadows of someone else." His fist unballed and A'ye patted Oyath softly. "There's no greater joy than being a dragonrider, sure, but there's also no greater sacrifice. We fight Thread because we have to, not because we want to, and when we die our dragon goes with us. When they die, many follow. So you're right - sometimes it's easy to feel like it's not worth it."

Oyath rumbled a little, her hearts beating quietly as her rider continued to speak. "So that's why it's okay to say no. The future without a path can be scary but sometimes it's better to face the unknown than push yourself into something you don't want." The green dragon leaned down towards the boy, almost as though A'ye had wanted her to take a closer look. Her thoughts of him rotting remained, though there was something else. It didn't matter to her, he wasn't her bonded after all, but none the less there was something. Fear? Worry?

"Are you worried about what will happen to you when you stand again? That this time you'll die? Or that maybe you will Impress, but it'll be to a dragon that isn't....worth it?" It was a ridiculous statement considering all dragons were worth it, but hopefully this youth got the message in his tone about how High Reaches held an unspoken value on colors. Unspoken, seldom acted on, but always there. "Dragon lives aren't worth more than the lives of people, no matter what others think."

ShinosBee

 

[ShinosBee]

"Stop," He scoffed, as if the thought hadn't already occurred to him. "And do what? It isn't as if I've a craft to fall back on. Or a Hold to back to. You clearly've cottoned on to who I am, so hear me when I say that that man, as terrible a father as he might be, is effectively the only family I've got." his mother lived, that was true, but she'd paid him less mind than even his absentee father now spared him. If he gave it all up and walked away, what would become of him? In the time he'd spent asking others and wondering to himself and investigating all the crafts to be found on the Weyr, no one had offered a suitable alternative. Being a dragonrider held little, no allure to him—his experiences with dragons were neutral to bad—but as time had whiled on it became ever clearer that it really was his only option.

"Tell the rest of Pern, the Weyr, that human lives are worth as much and see how fast they laugh in your face. Or worse, try to placate you, pat you on the head, and then ask you to get back out there and offer your flesh and blood up again." His words were an angry whisper, trembling just slightly. He sharply leaned away when the green turned his way, her large head swinging towards him. She wasn't behaving aggressive, but he could not help his reaction. The line of his body tensed, his eyes fixed on her, as he mentally recoiled, as if he could hide himself away from her in the mind as well as physically.

"Of course I don't want to die." He grit out, voice crackling from the amount of near-shouting he'd done over the last minutes. "What kind of question's that? No one wants to die." What sense did it make to leave the candidates down on the sands when people impressed from the stands all the time? Give them the first row, and he was sure there would be a drought of blood on the sands going forward. But no one cared to try it, it seemed. As for if he thought his potential dragon would be worth it...He dodged that question as best he could. For someone who stood and impressed without trouble, it was no doubt worth it. It was something for free, after all! But what about for those who lost blood, lost limbs, lost lives or friends' lives? From what he'd seen they all found it worth the loss.

He just couldn't imagine himself falling that 'in love' with anyone, man, woman or dragon, enough to let such a, such a haze of willingness to forget and forgive roll over him.

houllow

 

[houllow]

"Do you think I want to die? That I happily do my duty, strapped to the back of a dragon whose only worth to this Weyr is as fodder for Thread?" A'ye voice snapped, and Oyath bugled with faint alarm over the temper that had come to haunt the always calm man's words. "You think I didn't wonder what the point was, standing on those sands as I watched dragons pass me by, or felt their claws rake into my arms and legs as I was shoved aside? You don't think I've watched friends die on the Sands, or had one of my wingmates blink out of existence before I could do anything?"

His tone was rising and he sounded ridiculous, but what else was there to say? He was speaking a raw and angry truth, something he'd regret later and want to talk back should he seek the youth out. Not fully recant, of course, but A'ye would apologize for his tone. Maybe.

"Of course everyone here is going to say dragons are worth more than humans - dragons can fight Thread and protect us but - but. I wanted to be a foster father, I wanted to raise kids and have a family and I can't because I'm a rider; my dragon, fighting Thread - it all comes first. I have to grin and bear it and try to live life alongside Oyath, tied to her in life and death. She dies, I die inside. I die, she vanishes forever and within a sevenday or two I'm forgotten." The bitterness of being what he was, the position he was, was too apparent.

A'ye felt small and hateful, and his dragon leaned down to nuzzle at him.

"I...don't regret Impressing her though, and even if I'd tried to have been away I doubt it would have helped. A dragon will get what it wants, and a dragonet is nothing to be trifled with. You've seen that up close and personal, which is why I'll say this again - value yourself over a dragon. Your life, even if it's in complete shambles, is still worth more in an uncertain future than being a corpse on the sands. So yes, stop."

ShinosBee

 

[ShinosBee]

Alright. Alright. That was enough. Falienn didn't give a flying tunnelsnake about any of this guy's hopes and dreams, what he'd wanted, what he'd given up. He was just more of the same—telling him to value himself, but telling him it was worth it. And he still didn't have any alternatives other than 'stop'. And he had his emotional little green crooning over him like he was the victim in this conversation.

No, shardit. He was done.

Inarticulate with rage and disappointment, Falienn did little more than toss a rather rude hand gesture, about face, and skulk off. That had been entirely unsatisfactory, and he felt a twist of vicious pleasure in letting himself think that, yes, apparently K'ienn had been right when he scoffed at the worth of greenriders. "Shaff the lot of them," he grit out under his breath, a ragged, rasping, venomous voice. "Them and their dragons too, shaff them right between...!" A hand rose to his throat as he began to cough, a wheezy, wet thing. Nearly as wet as his face, hidden through his hair, streaked with tears of anger and dismay.

houllow

 

[houllow]

A'ye wasn't surprised to see the young man walk away, the rude gesture and the mumbling all too familiar for him. The greenrider was well aware of how he was and what he'd said, not to mention how this child clearly saw the worth of someone like him. A greenrider who never spoke his mind, but when he did he was dismissed as easily as someone brushing dirt from their clothes. This was why A'ye didn't talk to anyone. This was why he'd....never mind.

Oyath hissed, loud and angry, at the thoughts whirling through A'ye's mind and the departure of the other. How dare he act that way, when he was the one who'd approached them? When he was the one who'd made A'ye feel this way, and ruined their moments together?

Extending her head forward and focusing, she sent a final message into the head of a person she hoped to never see again. Alive, at least.

I hope you die on the sands. The entire world will be so much better without a rotten shell like you in it.

With that she was done, as was A'ye, and they returned to their quiet activities.

ShinosBee

and done! thanks thanks!!