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 Posted: Wed May 23, 2018 8:18 pm
Evan had run home right after his meeting with Bellite, not because it’s necessarily where he wanted to be but because it was the only place he knew he could lock himself away for the time being. His mind was churning, digging at every conversation, every interaction, wondering what he’d missed and where things had gone.
Sanidine was Michel.
Things would have lined up if that were the case—Zack became Zac at the same time he lost Sanidine. But he’d never talked about being in the Negaverse, and something that important—Zac would have said something, right?
…Or, if not Zac, Cambria. She had to know.
She always knew.
Even now, when his mind was reeling and his heart was pounding, all he could think about was getting to her and getting to the bottom of this. By the time he’d reached the house, his muscles were burning and his lungs felt like they were ready to explode. His vision was swimming, from the exertion and from the building tears. He was frustrated and confused and was barely processing anything rationally.
When he reached the door, he shoved it open and slammed it behind him. He didn’t make any effort to remove his shoes; he just cared about finding Cambria. When his eyes landed on her, he skidded to a stop and blurted, “Sanidine,” like it was enough of a question for her to know anything he was talking about.
He had to scramble for more words as he sucked in great gulps of air. After only a second, he managed to demand, “What do you know?”
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2018 8:19 pm
Cambria had smiled brightly when she had heard the signs of Evan coming in, through the smile faded quickly when she saw the state that he was in, and the question was forming on her lips before he spoke, but died when he mentioned Sanidine.
Her color fled when he asked her what she knew.
He knew.
With a heavy sigh, Cambria reached out a hand to Evan. “Come on, we can talk in the kitchen, Ev. I can make some mac and cheese and there’s plenty of Dr. Pepper in the fridge…did you run all the way here? You sound so tired…”
While she wasn’t avoiding the question…she didn’t want to answer it. All the things she could have said, all the ways it could have been brought up…
She had told Zac this would happen. They should have told Evan months ago but Zac insisted that she keep her mouth shut…
And now she bitterly wished she hadn’t.
“I’ll tell you everything, Evan, come on.”
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2018 8:20 pm
Evan’s hand jerked away instinctively; it wasn’t a violent or angry action, but he seemed frantic. His eyes were wide and on her, determined and fearful. He didn’t move from his spot, and even the temptation of Mac and Cheese and Dr. Pepper wasn’t enough to bring him any comfort.
“Now,” he insisted, plead, with a desperate need.
“Tell me now.”
Because, she knew.
And his heart sank and the realization that he didn’t think he was going to be able to trick himself into anything else. His nerves were on fire and his adrenaline was pulsing; he trembled even as he stood in place. His breathing was heavy and erratic but he was so focused on her that he didn’t seem to realize.
He was pale, despite the flush of red on his cheeks.
He needed to know what she knew. He needed to know how much she’d been keeping from him.
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2018 8:21 pm
Cambria blew out a breath, letting her hand fall back to her side. “Okay…”
She trudged over and sat heavily in the chair, curling up and tucking her legs under her, looking more upset than she had ever let Even see her be. “Before Zack with a k became Zac without a k…he was…a part of the Negaverse. He was Sanidine…and we had no idea who one another were…I…I hadn’t ever suspected Zack of anything like that…and…”
She rubbed the bridge of her nose and sighed harshly. “After you got saved, and after Zack almost killed his brother…he realized that he couldn’t be in the Negaverse anymore…that the chaos was literally destroying all of the good parts of who he was and…he came to me. To Lysithea. Because…she had been the one who had helped Evan. She had known the senshi who had turned out to be Malcolm…and because she…I had been a friend to him before. Saving his life, helping you…kidnapping you…that wasn’t a good time for either of us but…”
Cambria shrugged, now just seeming exhausted. “I wanted to tell you, Evan. I wanted to tell you really badly, but Zac was afraid that you would hate him, and he didn’t want to lose you again…it’s a stupid reason but…”
She swallowed, feeling as though she was missing huge parts in all of this, feeling as though her defense of Zac was so inadequate… she should have had a plan for this. A plan for when Evan found out…she should have just told him on her own terms…
“Why do you ask? What happened?”
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2018 8:21 pm
A dark expression crossed Evan’s face as he pieced things together. Malcolm, for example. Zack’s brother. There had been little love between the two before all of this had started, but he had seen the younger Everly brother at least a few times since all of this began.
After he’d gotten out of the hospital, from a brutal Negaverse attack.
From his own brother.
Evan’s body felt cold; he wasn’t sure he could feel his hands. He hadn’t been able to take a seat and instead stood a few feet away from Cambria, watching her astutely. Her justifications, her reasonings, her excuses were lost on him. He couldn’t even bring himself to acknowledge any of the defenses she’d provided him with.
His mind was churning violently and he felt like his brain was an impassable world of tar—sticky, consuming, vile, burning.
“Does Malcolm know? About his brother?” he demanded, breath hitching with the question.
Did Malcolm know that his friend was dating the man who tried to kill him? That every time he came to the house, he risked running into the man who nearly killed him? That the small talk he made with his brother was with his would-be murderer?
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2018 8:23 pm
Cambria hadn’t realized her blunder until Evan asked his next question…well s**t. Now she had incriminated Sanidine even more and quickly she tried to backpedal in her mind to figure out how to smooth this newest transgression out.
“Y-yeah Malcolm knows…I told him before Sanidine purified…I…you weren’t ready to be told then, Evan…You had just come back.”
Cambria felt all of her control wavering and she drew in a breath, trying to keep her voice steady.
“He was afraid but...Zack was sorry for what he did and Mal forgave him…eventually and now they have a really…surprisingly better relationship…and…and things are okay…”
Things would be okay for them too…Evan would be upset but…but he would calm down…right?
“We didn’t keep this from you to hurt you…Zac just…never thought it was the right time…I…he just worries about you so much, Evan…we both do…”
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2018 8:24 pm
The idea of fighting with Cambria had never crossed his mind; Evan was struggling to process the feelings, the information, even now. He had trusted her—with everything. She was his rock, the one thing he had always relied on. The one person he knew would never let him down.
And he couldn’t comprehend this. His throat was burning when the words erupted, strained and hoarse, “But I asked! I was ready!”
His hands were clenched into fists at his side and his breathing was as unsteady as ever. Moisture burned in his eyes, clinging to his lashes. He hated that crying always seemed to hurt. It always seemed to burn.
His throat. His eyes. His blood.
“I wanted to know, and you knew it! How could that not be the right time! Did you—did it not matter?” he blurted suddenly, brows knit. His mind wasn’t following a particularly cohesive path; he was replaying conversations over and over, tearing apart what he could recall, dissecting where the lies had begun and how they’d grown.
“If Malcolm forgave him for what he did, what made you think I wouldn’t? I have forgiven Zack for everything he ever did to me,” his voice was almost cold in that moment, a strange mixture of anger he’d long since buried—anger he thought he’d let go. Anger he didn’t know existed. The tone didn’t linger; his voice cracked and went back to the same unstable, frantic way it had been before.
“He apologized to Malcolm. Was I not worth it? Didn’t I deserve—I don’t know—an explanation? I don’t remember that night, not all of it. Huge parts of my mind are gone, Cambria. I remember bits and pieces, and sometimes I just have nightmares and nothing is ever explained, but it’s the closest I get to answers. No,” he clarified quickly. “No, I guess I got my answers. I just had to find out from a Negaverse Agent, because I guess Zac trusted her to know more than me.”
He was trembling, trying so hard to keep himself in check and failing miserably. He couldn’t see Cambria in front of him; she was a blurry form, but he didn’t have control enough to even raise his hand and wipe away the tears from his eyes. It didn’t register to him that his nails were digging into his hand with such force that he’d broken skin.
He didn’t register much except the overwhelming sense of betrayal and confusion.
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2018 8:24 pm
Cambria flinched with his words. She hadn’t expected this type of reaction...she had expected tears maybe but...but not…anger. She had never seen Evan...mad.
“I’m...I’m sorry.”
She had never felt so at a loss for words before...never with Evan...she had always known what to say, what to do but this...Damn Zac. If he would have listened to her. Or if she would have just trusted her gut...this conversation wouldn’t be happening now. He wouldn’t be so upset, he wouldn't be angry at her.
“He was afraid that you would hate him. He was afraid that it would take all of the good steps that the two of you made and shove them all down a hole that wouldn’t be able...or...I don’t know. He was scared.”
Reaching up, Cambria rubbed at her eyes, feeling rather sick. “He didn’t...want to hurt you. He didn’t want to scare you. I know that you’ve asked...and I’ve wanted to tell you. I’ve told him that...but he kept begging me not to...It’s not that you’re not worth it it’s just...you’re worth more to him than Malcolm is and losing you would kill him, Evan.”
If she lost him...it would do the same to her.
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2018 8:26 pm
“It’s really hard to believe that I’m worth anything when you didn’t trust me like I trusted you!” Evan snapped. There was a disgusting pressure in his chest, crushing him from all angles. “How much of it was a lie?” he asked, suddenly.
The thoughts in his mind were not organized in any particular fashion; they felt like they were landsliding rapidly, and everything was tumbling downhill chaotically. “How much of everything you ever said to me was just a lie to keep me complacent?”
How could he believe any of it, when he’d been living in a house full of lies and secrets? They pretended like everything was okay, like Zac hadn’t been Sanidine—who he had worried about, who he had nightmares about.
And they could have stopped them all, if they’d just sat down and been honest. He didn’t even know if he’d been mad if they’d told him. Of course, he’d have been upset, but he could have rationalized that they were trying to keep him safe from information that might hurt him—if he hadn’t been asking.
His heart felt like it was being squeezed between two rocks; it beat erratically. The pounding of his heartbeat was so loud in his ears that he felt dizzy just listening to it.
Maybe he saw Cambria crying; maybe his own tears were just obscuring his vision too much. Blood had collected in a pool in his fists.
And then, cold. A sad, sinking feeling that felt like being suddenly drenched in ice water.
His breath hitched. “I mean,” he said, speaking quickly to avoid losing his voice before he lost the chance to finish his thoughts, “I know you like him more.” Of course she did, she was dating him. “Of course you’d do what he wanted. Of course his secrets are more important than my answers. I just thought I could trust you.”
Because he had, he’d trusted her for everything. She was the one person he could count on. The one person who would never let him down. The one person who had his back when he needed it most.
Except when it came to having Zac’s back.
He shuddered and exhaled a wet, broken noise.
Almost to himself, he seemed to be asking, “So how much of all of this was to fix his guilty conscience? How much of it had nothing to do with what I wanted, because it was always about what he wanted?”
The little bit of anger spiked again, but it was drowned by an almost tangible sadness. Anxiety, doubt, fear. It was all there, crushed into every word he processed. The thoughts in his head were inarguably worse than what made it to his lips, but he was struggling to communicate.
Would she have helped if it hadn’t been to help Zac?
His mind was fuzzy. He remembered Lysithea, but she’d known he was Evan. But then, she must have known that Zack was looking for Evan. Because he had a guilty conscience, because he’d turned him into a youma. Maybe this had all just stemmed from Cambria wanting her boyfriend back, paying attention to her. A boyfriend who used to spend more time with Evan than he did her. A boyfriend that used to be his.
How much of this was about making Zac okay?
How many lies had it taken to build him up to this point? She and Zac were having date nights again. They were able to leave the house again. They were able to be a couple again, without him there.
Without him there.
“No,” he said quietly, forcibly drawing in a deep breath when he realized the corners of his vision were fading. When he realized he hadn’t been breathing. “I don’t want to know. You can keep them, all of them. I don’t want your secrets if they’re so important to you. You can have them, instead.”
He didn’t know where he was going; he couldn’t look at her, but even with blurry vision he made his way through the living room. He walked with heavy footsteps, frantic and rapid. He made it to his room before he realized it and gripped the doorknob with so much force that he might have yanked it out of the door if he wasn’t careful. Oblivious to the blood on his hand, he couldn’t figure out why it was so slippery; he yanked it open, frustrated, and slammed it with such force that his ears hurt from the noise.
His room.
He stood there for a moment, trying to blink away the tears in his eyes.
His room, in their house.
The walls felt like they were closing in. He didn’t want to be here. He couldn’t stay here, not right now. He sniffled, loudly, and wiped his eyes and nose on the back of his sleeve. He moved mechanically, not quite thinking about what he was doing. It was a habit from his high school days, when he’d fight with his parents. He dumped the contents of his messenger back on the floor and began grabbing things from around his room. A jacket, some pajamas, some clean clothes he’d left on a chair. He didn’t look at what he was grabbing, didn’t seem aware of it. He just wanted to grab enough to go.
To go.
To go where?
It didn’t matter. He went to the window and pushed it open, oblivious to the red stains he left behind.
He pushed the screen out of the way with minimal effort and threw his bag onto the ground outside.
A shuffling from behind him made him stiffen and freeze, and he almost leapt out the window in fear that Cambria had entered his room until a wet nose pressed against the back of his ankle. In the haze of confusion and pressure, he briefly registered that he wasn’t alone in this.
He still had Maxim to worry about.
Evan’s mind was numb but he reached to pick up the small dog carefully. Two toys were in the immediate vicinity and he scooped them up with barely any thought. The food was in the kitchen, the leash was in the kitchen; those were abandoned. He couldn’t go out there again.
Anything he needed, he could get on the way.
Evan was small enough that he could slide through the window without much difficulty, even while cradling Maxim to his chest.
Barely, he remembered to close the window behind him.
He didn’t know where he was going, but his feet did.
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