[FIN]{PRP} {Matori} His Butterfly {Leukos + Sajahka}

[MissMisnomer]

His Butterfly

Outside in the streets of Matori, the night was deep and dark, draping its black wings across the sleeping city. There was no moon to muddy the darkness tonight, only the flickering lights of those who dared to ward off the end of the sunlight. But even those were few and far between, many hours since the sun had laid to rest and handed over control of the heavens.

Shutters closed to keep out the chill, Leukos laid warm in his bed, wearing the darkness as a second blanket as he watched the sleeping form beside him. It did nothing to dull the view, as he had already memorized every detail of his lover's face: the slope of his nose, curve of his chin, dips of his lips. The sound of his breathing was all he needed to know he was there, and the press of his body against Leukos.

He'd grown used to the feeling.

This was the longest he'd ever been with anyone before. And not just as a couple, but really together, sharing everything they had to give.

Well, almost everything.

Leukos still felt that he was not living up to his side of this arrangement. He had still not told Sajah his whole story. Every time it came up, he'd change the subject, or appease him with half truths. It felt like lying, even though it wasn't. And more than that, though they had been intimate since day one, Leukos had been holding back. Sajah had made it clear on more than a few occasion that he'd like to be the one to take the lead, was ready for it, that it would be good. Leu just needed to give him the chance.

And yet he'd still refused time and time again. Though other parts of their relationship progressed, this was at a standstill. They were still at square one. And Sajahka was always so patient, never pushed him, or argued when he said no. He must have questions. He must be confused. And…he must be disappointed. Leukos was disappointed in himself. This was something important, something Sajah really wanted, and Leu had still not given it to him. But he wanted to. He wanted to make Saj happy.

What if he got tired of waiting?

Leukos shifted, pushing up onto one elbow to touch, gently tracing the ridges of Sajahka’s chest.

What if he left?

His fingers crimped, stalling. Leukos wasn't going to let that happen.

He was going to do it tonight.

He'd been preparing all day, walking himself through any anxiety that had flared up. This was someone he cared about, and who cared about him. It would be good this time. It would be different. Saj had proven he was someone to trust, even at Leukos’ most vulnerable.

Everything was going to be fine.

He sat up, pushing the covers out of the way. And moved, kneeling between Saj's legs in the dark as the man shifted, waking up.

He could do this. He wanted to do this.

Leukos unlaced the ties at Sajah's pants, pulling them down and out of the way. He couldn't see, but he didn't have to, he knew where everything was. Dipping down to kiss the skin under Saj's navel, he dragged his lips down, further than he'd ever gone before.

He could do this.

[1/10]
 

[Miss Chief aka Uke]

Sajah was generally quick to wake. Easily roused. Alert, because the world was not a trustworthy place, and it also seemed to be his nature. But he had grown especially comfortable around Leukos, and their circumstances. They had been sharing space for a record amount of time — almost half a year now, if he had taken time to count. Longer than he had ever been under a single roof under stable circumstances, free—in all senses of the word that mattered. And happy.

He was so happy with the way things were.

Admittedly, the longer they spent together, the more it itched at the back of his mind that there was something yet Leu wasn’t willing to divulge to him. Or a number of somethings. While he seemed eager to go to the edge of certain things and even on occasion invite progression in the physical sense of experimenting in other ways, it never made it that far. Sajah, though, could guess why. Granted, they were only guesses, and no matter how it edged at him to push and make things clear, this was something he felt could and should wait until Leukos was ready to bridge that gap and make the step himself.

Sajah could only continue to gently encourage it whenever the opportunity arose. And encourage he did. Of course he wanted Leukos’ body, in every sense of the word, and it did not hurt that he felt he could tell Leukos wanted it too — but for certain ingrained reluctances — so, that was how it had gone. They made their way through the months enjoying every other aspect of one another and fortunately, Sajah had no aversion (quite the opposite) to playing the more physically submissive role when it came to it, at least in the technical sense.

Another issue, though, that did give him the slightest bit more — confusion, perhaps was the word, along with a small handful of other feelings he felt guilty even acknowledging — was that Leukos seemed to feel some aversion to performing orally. Sajah hadn’t asked, and likely wouldn’t unless it progressed a great while longer without—he felt he had gone long enough without that surely he had no reason to complain, particularly when the other man was more than generous in terms of seeing that his needs were tended to in the general sense.

But Sajah himself was especially giving and enthusiastic in that regard and it did on occasion make him wish-

Well.

He could wait for it. And so, wait for it he did. And on this particular night, he was no more anticipating specific change than any other. The day had been long, the evening was quiet, they had had their time together, and he had fallen to sleep readily at Leukos’ side, and was sleeping soundly—when something began to stir. Previously, he might have woken immediately. In this case, though, the initial touch trailing down his side was pleasant and fit neatly into his sleeping headspace such that he merely stirred groggily, his body shifting instinctively towards the welcome contact. A half-on, half-off part of his mind noted that Leukos was rising — probably to use the bathroom or-

Clothes. The pull at his pants was more rousing, but still at first he only adjusted cooperatively, not fully appreciating the turn of circumstances. Did Leukos want to go again—? His lashes fluttered against his cheeks, but opted to stay down. The room was dark regardless. He didn’t need to look, and even if he had it likely wouldn’t have mattered much. He could feel Leukos’ touch.

And then, suddenly, he was very much awake.

Some content omitted here for PG-13 rules.

 

[MissMisnomer]

The immediate and enthusiastic response Saj's whole body gave to Leukos’ touch was encouraging, if a bit startling. He couldn't remember the last time Sajah had gotten this excited so quickly. So…he really had been looking forward to this, no matter how blasé he tried to act about the topic. Leukos was both inspired by new feelings of commitment to this task, and nervous by the weight it carried. He couldn't let Sajah down now, not when he was this excited.

But it was strange, yet familiar, touching with his mouth for the first time where his hands had been so many times before. Everything felt different.

But so far, so good.

The smell of arousal, and impatience, began to waft up his nose.

Focus.

Leukos thought he was doing well, if the sounds coming from his recipient were anything to go by. But he didn't want to just do well, he wanted it to be great. He could do better than this.

But increased effort on his part was leading to uncomfortable results. It wasn't like he had no idea how it should be done; in truth, it was more likely that he could be considered an expert. He'd done this before, many times, day or night. It had just been so long.

But if he puked, then a fist would follow, and then probably the whip after that. He'd learned that the hard way. No, if he just relaxed, tried to relax, it would all fit, or most of it anyways, it did with the others.

Except maybe his, it was larger than the rest. He liked to make a point of bragging about it when they were all together, like it was a competition. Which Leukos could understand, it was rewarding to be the best. But when it involved who could hurt him the most, he found himself less inclined to think of any of them as winners. But he couldn't say that, of course not, he knew his place.

No, if he just tried to relax, then it would be over soon; they always got bored after they’d satisfied immediate urges. No point in keeping it up any longer.

Just don't think about the person connected to it. Get through this.
Wwhat would his Lady think, partaking in something so vile? She would be ashamed.

Leukos was ashamed.

And then one of them whistled, low and quiet in the dark.

They liked to do that sometimes.

Like he should be proud of how he was doing. Like he had any choice in the matter. And in a dark, disgusting, embarrassing corner of his mind…he was the tiniest bit proud. And that revolted him. He wanted to be good. Things were always easier when people were happy with his performance. But this somehow felt wrong, different than anything his Lady had ever ordered him to do. Undignified.

He just wanted to be beautiful again. He never felt that way here. Not with the dirt and sweat and filth that these lesser peasants could stomach living in.

But now he was one of them. But he didn't want to be. He wanted to leave, go far away, far from these men, far from their needs that were just never satisfied.

He was crying, making a mess of his face as he struggled through the torturous task.

[2/10]  

[Miss Chief aka Uke]

Something was wrong.

Sajahka had felt the first inklings of it before, though his adrenaline and arousal had done their work in helping to tamp it down. Now, though, it couldn’t be denied. Leukos was ignoring him entirely. Both his pull, and his only means of peacefully getting attention without his hand signs. And under any other circumstances, perhaps it wouldn’t have mattered. Leukos was often distracted in the heat of the moment, things could be busy and exciting—but Sajah couldn’t pretend this wasn’t different. It was all too sudden without a word spoken, and he hadn’t been given any reason why.

Leukos was shaking.

Sajah slipped his hand down, just to be sure, loosening his fingers out of Leukos’ hair, and dropping them down to trace his cheek, and-

He was crying.

As his thumb brushed over tears, a snarl bubbled up in Sajah’s throat, and as abruptly as that he was pushing upright, grabbing at Leu, and shoving him off. He was still in a physical state of interest. It couldn’t be helped. What was more important in that instant — after seeing to it that Leukos was away from him — was to slip off the mattress’ edge, find their nearest lantern, and fiddle with anxious frustration with the nearby matches until he got one lit finally and managed after to light the lantern’s wick.

A welcome, yellow-orange glow spilled outward.

His attention turned to Leu. He supposed he had guessed what he might see. But some tiny fraction of him had still hoped that in the darkness he had imagined it all. Prayed that he had simply overreacted, thought one thing when in reality he would find Leukos blinking back at him, startled that he’d reacted so violently to interrupt them—but that was not what he saw, and even in the dim, flickering glow of only lantern light, everything there made his stomach turn and internal hackles bristle with disgust at having his suspicions confirmed. He moved for the bed, and reached, fingers catching Leu’s chin and forcing it up to look at him, thumb skimming his cheek, damp just as he had known he’d felt before. When his hand dropped, he made sure Leu was still looking before he signed.

«Whatever you were imagining…it is not happening tonight. It is just you and I here, Butterfly…and I need you with me.»  

[MissMisnomer]

Fingers brushed his face, and suddenly one of them was snarling, NO, they were in that kind of mood tonight. This wasn't going to be quick. They were going to make it last.

He got shoved backwards, coughing hoarsely as distance was forcefully put between them.. His eyes watered, convulsing in a full-body shudder, muscle memory already reacting to the pain that was sure to come.

A light flickered on.

No, I don't want to see you. I don't want you looking at me.

He fought for air, heart racing fast enough it would surely rip from his chest, twitching and shaking as a full blown panic attack overtook his body. Cold sweat laid clammy across his skin like a dead toad even as his temperature skyrocketed, eyes glazed over and dilated all at the same time. A hand at his chin forced his face up. They must be upset with this reaction, or maybe they enjoyed it more, he hated them, they should all die, he should die, he wanted to die-

Deliberate hand movements. Silence. Continued silence…they had been strangely quiet tonight?

Butterfly

His mind tipped, falling to land flat on that word. Butterfly. Why did he know that? Why was it special? A butterfly had started this all, he never should have chased that damned thing back in the garden. He'd still be lying with his head in her lap, getting his hair gently stroked as she hummed in his ear. Happy.

That wasn't it.

The word meant more than that. Two hands, crossed, flapping. They were a symbol. He knew that symbol. He'd learned it, to talk to that little girl. The quiet one, the lonely one, strangely tender for one of their kind. She was never cross with him, she only wanted to talk.

Too kind for their world. It would ruin her.

Like it ruined him.

There was only one other person who used that symbol. He was his butterfly. It was his name.

Sajah.

The pieces fell into place and he came tumbling back to the moment, gasping for air as the haze left his vision. Leukos was stiff, and sore, and shaking, and there he was, watching him earnestly in silence. Sajah. His Sajah.

And all he could feel at that moment, past lingering fear and pain and disgust, was an overwhelming weight of shame.

He started sobbing.

[3/10]  

[Miss Chief aka Uke]

Sajahka watched. It was clear it took some time to process, Leukos lost in his own world, but Sajah waited. Because he meant it. He needed him here right now, and it was clear something — and he didn’t think there was much question as to what — had triggered him elsewhere, knocked into some other universe Sajah couldn’t readily follow to. But he was coming back, piece by piece. He could see it in his face and the progression of his expressions-

Until he was falling apart, right there in front of him, on their bed, in their space-

And Sajah breathed out, scooting forward because he could and because he had to and because he wanted to, winding his arms loosely around the man he had taken to bed now perhaps a hundred times or more in the period they had been together. This was a familiar body, a familiar scent, a familiar man. One he—Sajah hung on the thought for but a moment before admitting it to himself—loved. For better or for worse, his heart was there, pulling at the man in his arms. No Oban could steal that from him, no matter how cruel. And no matter how painful the impression they left, he could do better, and he was here, now.

Nothing could change that or rob either of them of that privilege.

He traced his hands up Leu’s back, shaping familiar features and rubbing up, and down, gently, just to soothe and to hold him close. He tucked in, touching his lips lightly to Leu’s chin, to the corner of his jaw, to the bottom of his ear—and then simply held where he was.

I am here, not them…not whoever you remember…

But, even as he thought it, he knew the words needed to be spoken. He just needed to have enough of Leu present to recognize them. It seemed, though, that he had made it back for the most part. So, carefully, after some time spent just there, Sajah pulled back enough to sign, watching and hoping that Leu would see.

«I need you to talk to me again, Butterfly…I am here for you…and I need you here with me. Please…»  

[MissMisnomer]

In the moments after he crawled out of his living nightmare, all Leukos could do was cry, shaking all over again as he tucked up into a ball. His hands covered his face, clawing at his eyes and rubbing the sticky saliva off his chin, just trying to clean everything away. All the memories and the filth he carried around wherever he went. He hated being afraid all the time. Even when he thought he wasn't, it was always there, like a loaded gun waiting for the right trigger to just snap. Pointed at the back of his head, ready to blow his brains out.

No amount of false confidence could ever make the feeling really go away.

And now Sajah had seen what happened when Leukos lost control, fell into his hole. He'd been afraid of this. It was why he never let anyone get this close, why he'd been afraid to become lovers again. Why he left in the first place.

And his kisses were so soft, touch so tender, just like it always was. Patient and kind and willing to put up with his nonsense. He was such a good man. A remarkable, lovely person, that Leukos had been lucky enough to stumble upon...and dragged into his mess beside him. This wasn't what Saj had signed up for. This wasn't what normal couples were supposed to go through. He'd failed.

Even as Saj signed, and Leukos understood every word, he silently averted his eyes, downcast like a beaten dog. He turned his cheek, retreating from the damning light, which revealed all his flaws for the world to see. And scooted back, away from him, escaping his searching eyes as he covered his face.

He was drowning in his embarrassment, his failure. His voice cracked, a hoarse, broken whisper.

“...I'm sorry.”

[4/10]  

[Miss Chief aka Uke]

Sajah shook his head. Just watching Leu, he could feel a resurgence of fury in him, tickling under his skin and making his fingers itch to bunch. Even without being told, it was evident: someone had done this—and even without specifics, his mind could provide a full array of unfavorable guesswork. Someone ought to die for this. As tempting and easy as the rage was, however, there was something — someone — far more important immediately before him now. His anger would have to wait.

Instead, when Leukos retreated, slinking back and covering his face — cutting him off — Sajah breathed stiffly out.

I’m sorry…

He shook his head, though Leu couldn’t see it, and moved in again himself, closing the distance Leu had put between them and reaching: one arm circling to hold and rub at the man’s back, and the other tracing up his arm, circling lightly at Leu’s wrist and tugging. Come now… He kissed Leu’s forehead at the crown, shutting his own eyes a moment. You know I can’t speak with you if you cover your face like that…and as tempting as it may be, hiding will not solve this problem.

There was nothing to apologize for, but Sajah knew that logic did not play into this at the moment. Someone had done lasting damage, hurt Leukos enough to drive their memory into a process that ought to have been intimate, and private, setting poison in their wake deep enough to be found what must have been years after their absence. Red-eyed Masters, no doubt, and it made his hackles bristle anew to think it.

He nosed down, kissing Leu’s fingers at his face and giving another, slightly more insistent pull. Be with me here, love…no one else is coming and this space is ours, and safe. I promise…to the fullest extent of my power, I will never let anyone hurt you…but you’re going to have to look me in the eye and trust that.  

[MissMisnomer]

As much as he felt - knew - he should not be alone right now, that didn't stop Leukos from wishing that he just was. He didn't want anyone, especially not Sajah, seeing him like this. Tears were supposed to be a private matter, shed in secret where no one could hear you.

But that was just his training coming back again. It was bullshit. He'd learned since then that is was okay to let people try to help, to ask for it, to let others in. He might think he was being an inconvenience, but that wasn't true - most people really cared, and wanted to help make things better. Most people were good. He'd met so many kind souls in his life, decent people living their lives the best they could. It was just hard to remember that sometimes, especially when he felt like his problems were just so exponentially difficult to deal with. Surely no one else would want to shoulder the burden too?

But clearly, some people did. Saj wanted to. He was trying right now, he hadn't left. It must have been upsetting and revolting, but he was still here. Leukos curled his fingers, exposing his puffy red eyes.

“I'm so sorry Saj…” He mumbled through his palms, shoulders hunched up to his ears. “I didn't mean to- I thought, maybe this time…” He smacked his forehead, tears welling up again. “********. ******** <********>. I'm so sorry.”

[5/10]  

[Miss Chief aka Uke]

Leukos was trying. Sajah could see him attempting to pull back to him, and when his fingers moved out of the way, that was progress—at the rain of apologies, however, he shook his head.

“Ah-ah-ah…” His hand caught Leu’s wrist, attempting to discourage hitting himself, and then he leaned, touching their noses, then kissing Leu’s, then his cheeks, before pulling back enough to sign. «There is nothing to apologize for, you must know that…» His brow furrowed, though, as he considered where they were. «You might have told me this was an area of difficulty for you…or that you wanted to work on it so that we could do so together. I had to suspect, after long enough without that it caused you discomfort, and I can guess why…but I wanted to wait until you were ready to speak with me and not push you. It is something we can work on together…we have as much time as you need, and we can steal this back from those who ruined it for you…»

It didn’t seem that tonight would be the time, certainly, with shadows all about and Leukos’ mood already what it was. But Sajah was also convinced it wasn’t something that need be permanently given up on. They just needed to approach the matter reasonably, at a pace Leukos could handle, under circumstances where it was clear who he was with and what they were doing, and evident he had every opportunity to stop the moment he needed to.

«Perhaps we can take a weekend morning and dedicate it to sitting and kissing one another and testing what you are comfortable with in daylight, when you cannot forget it is me you are with…» For now, however—he reached, gently thumbing away tear tracks that glinted in the lantern light and sighing again before leaning in, and kissing Leu lightly. «Would you like to talk at all tonight? I could brush your hair…you can tell me what weighs on you, or you don’t have to say, if you prefer…I just need you to know that you can trust me…and I will never, ever hurt you…»

As much as he did want it, in truth, Sajah didn’t need any of this extra. He did feel, though, that Leukos could, and evidently wanted to, get through what held him back. And working towards overshadowing (if never fully erasing) the memories that chained him such that they could fully enjoy one another as lovers was, in Sajah’s mind, a very healthy and reasonable goal.  

[MissMisnomer]

Though Sajah insisted there was nothing to apologize for, Leukos still felt guilty all the same. Like he had let him down, in many ways that were no one’s fault but his own. He should have talked to him earlier about this, should have admitted how scared he was of bottoming, should have revealed why he had these feelings. Back when Saj had reappeared in his life, Leukos had demanded the truth from him. And yet had not returned the honesty. That wasn’t fair, for Sajah, or himself. It wasn’t healthy.

Some secrets aren’t meant to be stay hidden. They’re safer tossed out in the open, where others can help confront them.

“I didn’t want to tell you...because I thought you might not want me anymore.

He shifted uncomfortably, looping his arms around his tucked knees. Glanced up at Saj. And looked away, fighting to get his tongue to cooperate. “I’ve tried to deal with this before, but it’s never worked, I can’t seem to get rid of it. And I know I should have moved on by now, I know that there is something good, and wonderful, about being intimate with another person, letting them touch places deep inside that can leave you breathless with joy. I see it on the faces of everyone I’ve ever bedded. I see it on your face every time we make love…”

Leukos scrubbed at his legs, hiding his chin behind his knees. “But every time I try to imagine it for myself, I just remember how much it hurt, how violated I felt. And the connection never sticks. How can it be so good for everyone else, but not me? It doesn’t make sense.”

“I’ve tried to make it work. I thought...maybe if I just force myself to cooperate, then I might be able to...maybe if I just drink enough, smoke enough, take whatever little herbs they give me, then I could just forget for a while, and just feel what I think it should feel like…” He closed his eyes, shuddering. “But it never works. I always end up back at that place, hurt, and scared...they always become those men. And then they leave, because who wants to bed a crying boy? Or they don’t...they like it just like that, just like the Masters did….”

Leukos looked up at Sajahka again, hurt and confused as he hugged himself. “Why do men like that? How can seeing pain make them anything but disgusted at themselves? I don’t want to make my lovers cry, I don’t want to hurt them…”

[6/10]  

[Miss Chief aka Uke]

Sajahka watched, and listened. And words couldn’t really describe how glad he was that Leukos was talking to begin with. Really talking. Sharing this with him now when it seemed fairly evident he hadn’t before, or certainly not in this manner. At I thought you might not want me anymore… he snorted softly, but opted to say nothing immediately in favor of letting Leukos get the words off his chest that had evidently been there for some time, crushing down on him alone.

«I have no doubt you have tried in your own ways to move on…» Sajah signed at length. «But…forgive me for saying so, but it does not seem or sound as though you have truly faced it yet, only tried to bury it or forget it or force yourself over it as though that would make it not exist…and so it has only festered as a result and continued to hurt you. It is a terrible thing…and I am lucky not to know truly how it must feel for you…but you have so much patience with others and the beasts you train. You must have that patience with yourself and give yourself the time and focus to heal…and be brave, because you are better than them.»

Sajah shifted, slipping momentarily off the bed again to pad around the room, light another lantern to brighten their space, and fetch a brush. If Leukos was in the mood to speak, he would not be passing that up and more sleep could wait. Before occupying his hands, though, he moved back just to sit before Leu again a moment and speak.

«It can be as good for you as everyone else if you give yourself the respect and patience and time that it will take to bring you there…they have made it harder than anyone should have to bear, but you are stronger than that.» And I am not those men…

Sajah reached instead for a moment, first working to undo the loose braid Leukos often put his hair in before bed to keep it neat in the night , and then portioning off a small section of Leukos’ hair carefully and combing his fingers through the ends. He had so much of it.

«I think we should begin small, with your mouth,» he signed eventually. «You started well…but it should be in day, where you can see me, and perhaps we can trade favors and work gradually, with you knowing that the moment you feel uncomfortable, you ought to stop again and allow yourself to breathe and remember who you are with…»

He picked up the brush, beginning at the tips and working his way up gently as his mind roamed over Leukos’ words. Why do men like that? And he found himself frowning, shoulders rolling to stave off the returning, disgusted roil to his gut—and desire to bury his blade into something that would scream when he did. At length, when he had worked through the first section he’d selected for himself such that it was entirely free of whatever few tangles sleeping had put in it, he set the brush aside again to speak.

«People can be terrible animals, and men especially I think can have too much of a lust for power, to control anything or anyone that they can…and what greater rush than to know they can take someone so intimately against their will? It is a highest showing of dominance…in perhaps the most disgusting way imaginable. I would make them all scream and beg to die if I had that opportunity…and if that makes me little better, then so be it.»  

[MissMisnomer]

Everything Sajah was stating rang with the truth, something Leukos had known for a long time. He wasn’t going about this properly. And when it became clear that no attempts had been successful, it had simply become easier to avoid any chance for a relapse entirely by only taking partners that didn’t want to mount him.

Women, to start with. They often wanted the man to take the lead, which suited Leukos just fine, he could figure out what they liked. And then, when it seemed like he had his own sexuality under control, he moved on to men. But always slight, and smaller than him; that way, they could never overpower him.

And it had worked for years, bouncing from one person to another, ensuring he never stayed long enough for them to start asking questions. But over time, that want to try it himself was always still there, out of reach. Confusing, and frustrating.

Sajah had been a break from the norm, in many ways. He was strong, and rough, and challenging to handle; more intellectual than the usual. He asked when others did not, and wanted what others did not. It had been attractive, worth the risk. And now...maybe…

That gamble was paying off.

Leukos found himself instinctually relaxing as Saj wove his fingers into his hair, shoulders dropping as tension seeped down into the bed. He was still far from happy, but at least he was no longer quite on edge.

“You aren’t like them Saj, you never were,” he said, reaching to touch the pads of his fingers to Sajah’s thigh. “You’re so much better; you’re perfect, just the way you are. That’s why...I just wanted to make you happy, Saj. I knew how much you wanted to be the one to lead, and you wanting made me want it as well, but….I should have trusted it would be different with you. I’m sorry about putting you through that.”

He leaned, touching Sajah’s cheek, meek and hopeful. “You’re sure you don’t mind? Waiting, taking time? It’s not going to be easy, I can promise that. I’m going to fall again...it’s going to be ugly.”

[7/10]  

[Miss Chief aka Uke]

“Mm…” A tickle of warmth was left in the wake of Leu’s fingers, and he glanced up, flushing at the words that followed. Perfect was not a word used often to describe him. «It will be different. And I think that you do trust that already. It does not make the rest go away in a moment and you cannot blame yourself for that…but you will get past it.»

If you let yourself. If we work on it.

It seemed, though, that Leukos was serious in his desire as Sajah had thought he was all along, and though they couldn’t fix everything tonight — and some things never would be ‘fixed’ — he felt they were making real progress already. At the questions to follow, though, he blinked.

You’re sure you don’t mind?

«Of course…it is what I have been doing so far, and I think tonight we are beginning to move forward together. I have never liked ‘easy.’» He eyed Leukos, multi-hued gaze scanning down him carefully. The man he had chosen—and who had chosen him in turn. His lover. «The best things are always worth waiting for, and worth the effort. I have loved every day with you, and I do not expect that to change. Besides…it will be better with company, I promise.» He turned, tipping his head to kiss the palm at his cheek, eyes on Leu before he signed. «Let me help you fight your demons, and they will not stand a chance against us.»  

[MissMisnomer]

A smile was drawn to his lips at Saj's words, warm where before had only been cold. It would be nice to have support. It was a new feeling, and one he would have to get comfortable with, but he was going to try. Which meant being more emotionally available, completely, even when he didn't want to be. And that meant talking when something bothered him, or asking for a hand to hold when he needed it. Like he needed now.

Leukos leaned, coming out of the fetal position to wrap his arms around Sajah, hugging him close. And just feel him, and the strength he carried - that hopefully Leukos could absorb a bit of. After what felt like the right amount of time, he pulled away, sitting close to him as he sat his head on Sajah's shoulder.

“If you're going to be fighting with me, you shouldn't go into battle unprepared,” Leukos said, absentmindedly braiding a lock of hair over his shoulder. “I think you need to know who my demons are if you hope to have any chance of facing them.”

His fingers stalled, bristling. “But…I'm sorry, I just…don't really want to talk about that tonight. Maybe in the morning…when the sun is up. I'll tell you everything. Why I'm like this…why it's hard to say what I'm thinking, and why I seem so distant sometimes…”

“But I really care Saj, I do, even if I don't show it,” he admitted, lifting his cheek off Saj's shoulder to shift, facing him. “I don't think I make that clear enough. And when I think about my life, without you in it, it scares me more than any old memory could. Every morning I thank the gods that they gave me that moment where our eyes met…and that you didn't look away…”

He reached with reverent hands, palms resting softly on Saj's cheeks like doves. “I know I don't deserve you, I'm not good enough. But you make we want to be. You make me want to do whatever it takes to keep you beside me. I want kings to weep when they see how much I treasure you, their own fortunes pale in comparison. And I've only felt this way about one other person, though I think it was a twisted form, broken and ugly…”

He smiled, brushing his thumbs lightly, tracing constellations in the flecks on his cheeks. “But this feeling is beautiful. It's so beautiful it makes me want to cry. And I think…I think it's love Sajah. I think I love you.”

[8/10]