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 Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 5:24 pm
Virell hadn’t seen Nick in months. They had spoken through text messages, and called a few times, but he hadn’t seen him in a while. And Virell had made many, many offers.
But Nick was always busy.
Virell’s schedule was flexible, but he had figured Nick’s wasn’t much when every time he’d suggested they go out or do something, Nick had to decline.
It was disheartening, and though he wouldn’t confess it over texts or phone calls, he was starting to worry that Nick didn’t like him. That he didn’t want to see him.
And, in the nagging part of his mind, he wondered if it was because he’d gone to Nick when he’d been so orange. Of course, how could Virell blame him if now all Nick could think about was that hideous shade? And the fact that Virell couldn’t even see colors that well certainly concerned him that it was even worse than he’d thought it was—even with all of Nick’s kind reassurances.
But.
When Nick agreed to meet up, Virell was elated. All of his concerns washed away. He let Nick name the time and place and adjusted his schedule to ensure that he could be there when Nick wanted to be there.
The day itself wasn’t really anything remarkable; for early April it was surprisingly chilly and he’d had to wear not only a coat but also his gloves and scarf. It didn’t help that the heating in the mall wasn’t functioning to full capacity, but he didn’t mind. He felt warm enough inside to make up for the chill; his heart was pounding and he felt a pleasant warmth from the pit of his stomach.
He had arrived early—not something particularly common for Virell, but he was excited, and waited eagerly at their meeting place: a fountain by the food court, because Nick had been the one to suggest the ice cream parlor before either of them realize how cold it would be.
A hot fudge sundae still sounded good, regardless of cold or calories.
He didn’t care what they did or where they ate, as long as he got to spend some time with Nick.
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Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 5:43 pm
Nick had had a few days to prepare. He had told Arias before agreeing to meet up with Virell, and though Arias seemed to have doubts about Nick’s ability to really be able to break off this affair…Nick had sworn up and down that it would be okay…and now he couldn’t really back out of things.
He had promised.
They had gotten him a ring as well, and the weight on his finger felt really…good. And even though it was covered by the gloves that he wore…the small piece of metal still brought him a large measure of comfort and he was happy to have it.
…Happy to be engaged…even if it meant having to break Virell’s heart by telling him.
...He really wasn’t looking forward to this but…but it was far too late to back out now.
It was easy to find the other blonde near the fountain, he stood out. He always had. Nobody had any right to be that beautiful.
Nick smiled and raised a hand in greeting when he saw him, hurrying over. “Hey! I’m so glad we could finally meet up again…how have you been, Relly? Are things going okay for you?”
…He hoped so. Maybe Virell had found someone wonderful and was happily in a relationship…that would be nice.
Though, he knew it was just wishful thinking.
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Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 5:52 pm
Virell stood up immediately, smile on his face when he saw Nick. Instinctively, he embraced Nick in greeting.
He gave him a tight squeeze before drawing back so he could see Nick.
“I’m well enough,” he assured, and while he could sometimes be vague about what he was up to, he wasn’t lying when he said his life was predominantly work. He had the photos to prove it—the magazines, the website links. His schedule had been busy because he’d been throwing himself into work.
Mostly because he was lonely and didn’t know what else to do.
One night stands were empty nights of pleasure; he liked to feel wanted, needed, adored, but it was one thing to go into the night with someone, and one thing to be greeted by the day.
People always seemed to have other things to do once the sun came up.
Not that it was him; he knew his face wasn’t chasing them away. It was just life. He was just the nice little fantasy they got to escape to between everything else.
But he didn’t have to worry about that right now; Nick was here, and he was happy he was here.
“You know, keeping busy with work and all that. I’m no different than when we talked yesterday, or the day before, or the day before,” he laughed. His hand fell to Nick’s and he entwined their fingers so he could swing their hands lightly while they walked. “It’s good to see you! You look so handsome! Have you done something different with your hair? I like it.”
He’d done himself up extra nice today; he’d spent all morning preparing. He’d skipped dinner and breakfast so he didn’t have to feel guilty about eating how with Nick and he was dying to put something in his stomach.
He gave Nick’s hand a little tug towards the food court, explaining, “We should get in line before everyone else realizes it’s almost lunch time.”
Or, rather, he wouldn’t admit that he was dangerously close to passing out and needed something in his stomach now.
That would have been an imperfection, and he needed Nick to think he was everything but.
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Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 6:06 pm
Nick felt a horrible twist of guilt when he suddenly felt Virell’s fingers entwined with his and for a moment, his strength faded and he was quite sure that Arias had been right and he couldn’t do this.
“Yeah, yeah that sounds good to me…Food sounds good to me.” His head felt like it was spinning out of control, both from the sudden embrace and from the fact that they were still holding hands. It was nice to hold hands. He enjoyed the contact…but…
But he was here to break it off with Virell. Here to tell him that their lovemaking and their flirting was over.
He was quiet as they stood in line, didn’t say anything until he had led Virell over to a table at the very edge of the food court, right in the corner where an abandoned restaurant pavilion stood. A place where they could have some privacy.
Reaching over, Nick again took Virell’s hand, stroking the back of it with his still gloved thumb. “Before we eat, Relly…I have something to talk to you about…and it’s not going to be easy…but I can’t…I can’t not tell you.”
Drawing in a deep breath, the blonde let his amethyst eyes meet with Virell’s ruby ones and held their gaze for a long moment. “About a month ago…Arias and I got…We went to that circus that popped up? I don’t know if you heard anything about it…but of course it was some stupid trap and…it ******** with our heads a bit…but…we had these…new lives. And in it…Arias and I were married…”
His eyes closed, and it seemed that Nick was finally too ashamed to keep up the eye contact.
“We went through a lot and it got me thinking…a lot…and…and about a week ago…I proposed to him…and he said yes…”
Nick lifted his free hand to his mouth and grabbed the tip of the glove with his teeth, pulling it off with little difficulty and holding the hand out for Virell to see the ring. “…I’m…engaged.”
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Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 6:13 pm
Virell hadn’t expected bad news. He hadn’t picked up on any bad vibes or hesitation from Nick. He hadn’t suspected anything, so when he was suddenly greeted with the news—with the sight of the ring—his face was still stuck in a pleasant smile.
He didn’t seem to know how to let it go.
A few seconds ticked by and his smile remained perfectly in place.
He hadn’t moved since he sat down; his food was untouched before him.
He did not have thoughts of his own, not yet. His mind felt suddenly empty, suddenly blank, and he was grasping at nothing to make some sense of this.
The seconds ticked on, and after a short pause—that felt like an eternity to him—he managed only, “Oh?”
Once his mouth had moved, once the word tumbled out, he seemed rejuvenated enough to add, “Why wouldn’t that be easy for you to tell me?”
It didn’t mean anything would change. It was a pretty piece of jewelry, so what? It didn’t mean anything.
It didn’t mean anything.
The smile was still perfectly in place and he didn’t sound angry. Why be angry?
Virell had plenty of rings. Plenty of presents from people. Plenty of presents he’d bought for himself.
Why should one ring mean anything?
They would be fine. Nothing would change.
This was fine.
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Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 6:23 pm
Nick felt bile rise in the back of his throat.
Virell seemed as though he was taking the news well…but that alone made the hair on the back of his own neck stand on end, his body tensed for a long moment. “I don’t know. I just…didn’t want to upset you. We…I’m…” He drew in another deep breath, counting slowly to ten before exhaling. “I promised that I would break off the affairs that I’m having. And…and I know it’s going to suck, but…but I want to still be friends, Virell…if you’d want that…I…”
He was starting to lose control of his thoughts, his mind beginning to try to latch on to whatever it could. Maybe he should just keep talking. If he kept talking…the longer he kept words spewing from his mouth…the less chance he had of Virell getting up and storming off.
…Maybe if he kept talking, Virell would realize that he honestly did want to remain friends and…
…And maybe he should just stop talking and figure out how to make a time machine to go back and stop any of this from ever happening.
The smell of his chicken wafting up from the tray was enough to make the scant contents remaining in his stomach churn and he was sure that he was about to vomit everywhere.
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Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 6:40 pm
The smile didn’t waver; it remained stuck, for too long.
His eyes were on Nick and his face remained frozen. And then, slowly, the smile fell.
It was sinking in.
Breaking off affairs. But they weren’t an affair, were they? Arias had said was all right. He said it was fine if he and Nick…
…It didn’t matter.
No justification could make this right in his mind. Virell tried to sit tall, to keep his composure, but he slumped just slightly. His eyes were on Nick, but suddenly his brows were furrowed and he was trying desperately not to frown.
Nick had been avoiding him.
Nick was breaking up with him.
They could be friends, sure, but what was there? Virell had nothing to offer, suddenly. Nick wouldn’t want to hear about his day at work, about his modeling. Without any reason to keep him around, he’d leave.
Virell had nothing for him.
He wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t interesting enough to keep around.
Arias was a functioning adult; he had his own business, his own home.
Virell had a pretty face and an empty apartment. He couldn’t cook like Arias. He couldn’t clean like him. He couldn’t do his own taxes, couldn’t figure out insurance, couldn’t drive.
Maybe he could learn. But none of that would change the fact that Arias had a family.
Virell stiffened.
What did he have to offer Nick in any form of friendship? They had nothing in common, and anything Virell could offer, Nick could get it from Arias, or Nick didn’t need.
What—fashion tips? How to put on makeup to accent his features? How to style his hair? How to diet?
Virell could give him nothing, and there was no way Nick couldn’t already know that.
It was a pity friendship. Because Nick had too large a heart and couldn’t stand the idea for being responsible for upsetting Virell. If he offered to stay friends, the wound would heal, eventually. He wouldn’t have to feel so guilty about breaking up with him. He could move on without feeling any grief.
Nick didn’t have to feel responsible about cutting him off, then.
And Virell didn’t know what to say. Congratulate him? Reassure him that this was okay? Tell him he was happy for him?
There was a lump in his throat, and a burning. A fire that tore at his insides, from his stomach through his chest, his throat. He felt it in his teeth.
He was confused, too much so to let the hurt or sadness creep into his voice. “…I thought you wanted to see me,” he said after a moment.
And, he had.
He had thought Nick wanted to spend time with him.
But he’d all but started this outing with that information. Had he wanted to end it so soon? If he’d been so eager to tell him, he could have texted, or called.
Was it respectful to tell him in person? Had he wanted to see him upset? Was it vengeance, punishment for having intervened in Nick and Arias’ relationship in the first place?
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Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 7:02 pm
“I…” Nick felt his heart beginning to shatter at the words and the look on Virell’s face. This…this hadn’t been what he wanted…but really…what should he have expected…? Whatever he had expected…this wasn’t it. This sinking feeling in his stomach…the pain in his chest…the way the room began to swim as hot tears began to creep into his eyes.
He clutched at the hand that he still held, and reached out with his own ungloved one to grab at Virell’s other hand. “I…I did want to see you. I do want to see you…things…things have just been busy and crazy and…and just so much has been going on, it…I wasn’t avoiding you or anything, Rell, I swear it…”
There was a sudden desperation to just make Virell understand. To get rid of the pain in his eyes…to fix what he had just broken.
He loved Virell. He knew that. Virell knew that too, knew that Nick loved him. There was just so much good about the male…his laughter, his smile, the ideas that he had. The loyalty he showed Nick with all of his issues…with the whole stupid Ashanite affair…
The way that they made love…there was…but that wasn’t everything. There was more to Virell than just sex. There always had been.
“I just…I didn’t want to lie to you today. I wanted to get all this out in the open and not…and not lose…lose my confidence and lead you on…and not mess things up with Arias and you. But…I just…I didn’t do or say any of this to hurt you, Virell, I swear…I want you in my life…I want you in my life so badly…I…”
For one, wild moment his hand twitched. This didn’t have to happen. He didn’t have to hurt Virell. He could break off the engagement. He could keep following the paths that his…that his…
His what? His body? His mind? Part of his heart?
But…but then he’d have to see the disappointment on Arias’s face.
And with a pang, he realized that if he had to see Arias upset like this…well.
Well honestly, he would rather die. Or just give himself to the Negaverse to forget everything. No. If he had to pick one type of pain…he would rather…he would rather this than Arias.
He could stand this. Not well…but he could stand it.
“I’m so, so sorry, Rell. I can understand if you don’t want me in your life anymore, I can understand perfectly if that is how you choose to take this information…I’m so sorry.”
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Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 8:18 pm
Oh, but that was the easy way out, wasn’t it.
Make it seem like it was Virell’s decision. Make it seem like it was his idea to tell Nick to stay away.
It would be easier for Nick, even if he did seem like he was actually upset about all of it.
But what did it matter? He had his perfect fiancé to go home to. Arias could kiss his tears away and hold his hand and tell him this was all worth it.
And it wouldn’t take long for him to forget about Virell. His looks, maybe. The sex, maybe. Maybe every now and then he’d open a magazine and see him, or an ad or something around Destiny City, but beyond that?
Nick assured him that he wasn’t avoiding him, but it felt like avoiding.
…But Virell didn’t want Nick to cry, because even now he knew he loved him, and he knew he was so stupid for it.
Nick was holding his hand and Virell found some reassurance and some distress from it. At the very least, it kept him from getting up and leaving. When he managed to speak again, it was soft and uncertain, far different from the confident persona he usually seemed to present.
“…But what are we supposed to do, now?”
Things hadn’t been just about the sex before, but Virell was quickly losing faith in his own appeal. How was he supposed to stop flirting? If they were just friends, was he going to have to shut that off? Would he suddenly be just some thing in Nick’s life?
Some untouchable, unlovable thing.
He didn’t know where the sting came from, but his eyes suddenly burned. The fire in his throat reminded him of a desert, and his mouth felt parched all the same.
Just a pretty little nothing.
He was suddenly glad he hadn’t had anything to eat since lunch yesterday; he felt like he wanted to vomit.
Oh, but that wasn’t good for his teeth. Or his hair, if he had to get too close to a toilet. And his eyes would get bloodshot, and he would probably mess up his makeup.
No, he couldn’t cry.
He’d spent forty five minutes on his makeup so it would be perfect and he didn’t want to be crying in public. And Nick would think he was so stupid—throwing a temper tantrum or something.
Acting like a child.
Arias probably wouldn’t cry. He’d probably know exactly what to say to reassure Nick and win him over. But Virell didn’t have any words, he just knew that everything hurt right now.
He tried to force himself into a state of calm; his other hand moved under the table and he gripped his knee tightly to try and focus, try to calm himself.
He couldn’t speak; he tried, but he couldn’t pry his jaw open. It was only now that his eyes had slipped downwards, locked on an old stain on the table.
No, he could wait for Nick to speak; maybe he had a plan. Maybe, in all his time to figure this out, he’d figured out how they were supposed to stay friends.
Maybe he’d figured out how to make this work. Somehow.
Even if Virell wasn’t allowed to love him anymore.
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Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2018 4:35 pm
Every fiber of Nick’s being wanted to reach out and draw Virell into his arms. To comfort and reassure him that nothing would change. But…but everything was going to change.
Everything already had changed.
“Well, we’ll still patrol together. And we can still hang out…I still want to hear about what’s going on with you. I…I can be there to tell you have good you look for when you get a boyfriend who loves you the way you deserve to be loved and…and I’ll just…I’ll still be around, Virell…there just won’t be any more…intimate encounters…that’s all.”
That didn’t sound too bad. When it was worded like that…it didn’t sound too bad at all.
Nick even managed a smile for a moment.
“You’re one of my best friends, Relly, that won’t change. I’m not going to let this change anything but the…the physical stuff, okay? That’s all. I promise.”
It sounded so much better that way…and Nick knew that if he worked…really hard at it…he could do it. Or…he would…no. There would be no excuses. This was how things were going to be. If Virell wanted his friendship, they would work it out.
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Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2018 4:59 pm
Virell tried to nod, tried to believe what Nick had said, but he couldn’t find the energy to put any stock in it.
They could patrol together. Which was good because then they could keep Destiny City safe, but why would he patrol with Virell when he could patrol with Arias? Virell wasn’t as strong, and certainly not very productive. He patrolled out of obligation, maybe out of some desire to be free and do something without having his reputation at stake. He wasn’t a hero, though. He wanted to be loved, but whatever he tried wasn’t enough.
Maybe if he could play hero he could get the attention, the affection, but everything they did was so quiet, so in the shadows. What was the point of risking your life and saving the day if no one even knew what you did?
So patrolling barely seemed like it was going to happen; they rarely powered up together anyway.
And they could hang out. And Virell could tell him what he was up to. And Nick could tell him how good he looked for his boyfriend?
Whatever composure Virell had seemed to be rapidly slipping away; moisture prickled in the corner of his eyes and he could feel that ugly emotion seeping up. He shuddered and tried to blame it on the cold but he found no words to do so. His head hung because he didn’t feel proud enough to sit upright.
Maybe it was easy for Nick to imagine Virell with someone else. It wasn’t like he didn’t have his little flings, but he had always been the dirty little secret.
A pretty face but nothing else to offer.
It’s why he didn’t have a boyfriend, and it’s why he couldn’t find anyone that ever seemed to want to fill the role.
No, they wanted the pretty face, the fantasy, the illusion. The excitement.
But one night was enough, and then they were gone.
Rapidly, he tried to wipe at his eyes, like he could stop the emotion before it spilled out and he made a fool of himself. Before he ruined his makeup and lost whatever dignity he’d come here with.
His thoughts were erratic and he had a difficult time clinging to any one train of thought. Briefly he’d wondered if Carlee had known about this new development, but then he realized that she must have given how close she and her brother were.
Thinking of her usually made him feel better. Now, he just felt worse.
Over something as stupid as blood.
He didn’t have that.
He didn’t have one person in his life that he could rely on, that he could trust. He had no blood to find him, and friends were fickle or already on someone else’s side. He had ‘work friends’, if they could be called that, but they were all catty and rude and ready to step over each other for success. And realistically, he was the same way, but that’s why he never got too close to any of them.
He had tried, a long time ago, but it didn’t take him long to learn his lesson.
This was different, though. Most people didn’t think like that, or act like that. Or, at least, they weren’t supposed to. Not according to all the movies, all the stories.
Everyone always had so many friends, so many real friends. People to rely on and trust.
And Virell had the man who had just broken up with him and a sixteen year old girl who just so happened to be the sister of his ex’s fiancé.
Oh hell, it was so stupid. He was so stupid.
She’d have to be happy, now. It meant Nick was going to treat her brother right. He was going to take care of him and love him and be a good, wonderful husband.
He couldn’t talk to her about this. He couldn’t talk to Nick about this.
A coldness extinguished the fire inside of him and a biting chill replaced it.
He was alone.
He had no one.
And he needed someone. He didn’t want to go home and feel worthless and stupid, but there was no one else to call or confide in.
He had two friends, and both of them were on the other side of all of this.
Being alone had always bothered Virell, but something about this was worse because he knew what it was like to be able to rely on someone. He knew how comforting it was to be curled up in Nick’s arms, or to have Carlee playing with his hair while he complained about this or that, or to be able to confide in them or seek advice.
Years of working towards being normal, of making it on his own, and he had two friends.
And neither could help him.
He was a failure. He had nothing to show. And what did he expect, getting feelings for a man who was already taken? He knew this was his fault, he knew this wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t fallen for Nick in the first place. If he hadn’t encouraged a relationship.
But Nick had been so easy to talk to, to get along with.
He had been perfect.
Virell was hard on himself sometimes, but the weight of the world came crushing down on him in that instant. He could feel his body betraying him; his whole face was hot and even with the chill he felt like he needed to undress to reach a reasonable temperature.
His hands retracted and lowered to his sides—too far away to be held—and he suddenly seemed to forget about the moisture building in his eyes. His jaw clenched and he glared at the table.
It felt like an inferno in his chest and ice shards everywhere else, and he didn’t think he’d be able to pry his mouth open enough to speak, but he did, somehow. He couldn’t even hear what he said, much less process what he was actually saying; it felt like it was someone else just borrowing his body.
He was thankful for it, though, because otherwise he would have just sat there, rigid and trembling and silent.
His voice seemed almost stable; it was a little softer than he usually spoke with, but it didn’t tremble and there was some façade of composure.
“Well, that seems easy enough then. Hardly anything to be upset about.”
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Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2018 5:18 pm
Nick watched Virell’s reaction and he thought for a moment that his chest would explode. By the time the blonde managed to speak again, Nick was quite sure that everything was just going to go to hell. That he was going to throw everything away just to make sure Virell was okay. That was going to throw away the ring that fit so perfectly on his finger just to make sure the shimmering tears that kept slipping into the red eyes of his former lover would just go away.
But the words chilled him, along with the way that suddenly Virell looked almost as though nothing was wrong.
Had Nick…broken him? Jesus, was that narcissistic to even think?
Of course it was.
Quietly, Nick swallowed and closed his eyes for a moment.
“There’s a lot to be upset about, Virell…and I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. I…I’m not good at hurting people…I mean.”
He sighed. “I’m great at hurting people. I hurt Arias when I’m with you. I hurt you because I’m with Arias…I’m just…I’m a mess, and I’m sorry. I never…expected for this to happen but…but for once I think I made up my mind…and I can’t go back on it now…even though my heart is screaming at me to do so.”
Was it cheating to admit that?
It almost felt like it.
“I don’t want you to be hurt…but I know you are…and I know I can’t fix it right now…but I’m going to try, okay? I want to stay in your life, I really, really do.”
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Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2018 5:40 pm
He found himself nodding with the same faint indifference that was trying to wash over him. It wasn’t going fast enough and his stomach was still churning. His heartbeat felt like it had returned to normal but he couldn’t figure out why he was still so hot.
And cold.
Like his body couldn’t figure out what it wanted to be.
“No,” he said after another slight pause. “You were with him when we met. It would be foolish to assume you two wouldn’t stay together. You’ve been through so much. I just wasn’t expecting this today, that’s all.”
No, he’d been expecting a nice, fun day. The fact that he’d been looking forward to it for so long only made the disappointment sting worse, and then he felt foolish about how excited he’d been.
He wasn’t at all reassured when Nick said his heart was screaming to go back on it; in his heart, he knew that if Nick went back on things, he wouldn’t stay with Virell. He’d go back to Arias and Virell would have to go through all of this again.
Better to rip the Band-Aid off now and be done with it. Better to stop dreaming of fairy tales and happy endings.
“There’s nothing to fix. And even if there was, it’s not your job. I doubt I’ll be leaving Destiny City any time soon so you don’t have to worry about me going anywhere. I won’t try to drive you out of my life.”
He didn’t have the energy to cut contact. And truthfully, he wasn’t even sure he could. If he still had Nick in his contacts then he wouldn’t have to feel so alone.
God, it was so pathetic.
He drew in a tired breath.
“You shouldn’t be upset about doing what’s best for you. For your life. For your future. It’s not like I don’t understand.”
He sounded calm, but the tears didn’t stop. They fell from his eyes regularly but he didn’t sniffle, didn’t wheeze or sob. It almost seemed as though he wasn’t even aware that he was crying, except that he tiredly brushed the sleeve of his shirt over the top of the table to dry the droplets.
He seemed like he’d given up, though. Like there wasn’t any point arguing or questioning or really even talking. Except, he couldn’t stand the silence so he tried to reassure Nick—because there was no chance that he’d feel better any time soon, but maybe Nick could.
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Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2018 3:06 pm
Nick got up and walked behind Virell, wrapping his arms around him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” The tears had broken him, and he wasn’t sure what else that he could do. There was no fixing this. There was no pretty words that would make this better…he had to stick to his guns but…but he couldn’t stand Virell suffering…it hurt.
Virell was someone he loved and…and if it was this hard to break it off with him…
But he had such a close relationship with Virell. Virell was someone who knew the absolute worst of him, he knew all of Nick’s dark secrets. His desires to rejoin the Negaverse…he knew Ashanite…he knew…
Everything. Had been there at some of Nick’s weakest points so…no wonder this was so difficult.
But…
He was going to marry Arias. And he was happy with that thought.
…This would pass.
The guilt would fade.
It had to.
“You’re one of my very best friends…and hurting you hurts me…and I’m sorry I let things get like this. I wish I was a different person…I wish I could have prevented this pain for you, Virell…I love you, and I’m so very sorry…” His lips were against the top of the blonde’s head, planting gentle kisses, trying to calm him.
Trying to calm himself.
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Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2018 9:59 pm
Virell couldn’t help but wonder why Nick was hugging him. Vaguely it registered that he must have been trying to console him but now Virell just felt so much weaker. He could run away, he had to fight to keep his shoulders from trembling. Had to fight not to lean back into the embrace, to cling to him, to kiss him.
His eyes remained on the table and, though he managed to nod, he didn’t know what else he could say.
He felt like vomiting and reached a hand up to his lips contemplatively. The sight of the food, already in a styrofoam box, made his stomach clench.
“I said it’s fine. I’m not mad,” he insisted. He needed to stop crying if he wanted to be taken seriously but nothing seemed to be helping. He tried to force his smile back into place but it was a broken, barely formed thing. The muscles on his face were too worn from trying to keep away any ugly expressions while he cried to manage any convincing smile. “But,” he pushed his food across the table until the box touched Nick’s. “It’s the strangest thing. I’ve just remembered that I absolutely can’t eat this, it would completely destroy my diet. And I’ve got a shoot later and don’t need to be sweating seasoning while I try to suck all this in. But you shouldn’t let it go to waste—you can have it. Take it home with you. Maybe you can take yours too and you Arias can make a lunch date out of it? I haven’t touched it even so it should be fine. I didn’t even order anything spicy.”
He didn’t try to push Nick away but he already seemed to be discreetly trying to collect his things to leave. He didn’t think he could hold even this fragmented composure for much longer.
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