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 Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2018 9:15 am
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Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2018 9:21 am
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Arias’s headache had only gotten worse as the day went on. He was pale and clammy and nothing felt right. His head was spinning and it felt like each thought was fractured—one memory bled into another, and suddenly nothing was making sense. Things hadn’t felt right for a while.
Nick’s face kept appearing in his mind, but it was more than that. Nick, surrounded by others. By adoring fans, by other members of the circus. By everyone but him. It was paranoia, it had to be. Arias had experienced fits of jealousy before, but it was never anything like this. He felt physically ill, like his body was rejecting everything churning in his mind. He felt like everything was slipping away and there was nothing he could do.
Once, he thought he saw someone out of the corner of his eye. Watching.
It made him think of what Nick had said, about a strange man. But Arias couldn’t really invest much thought into it, not when it was already so hard to focus on what was going on around him.
It wasn’t like him, to want to pull away. To distance himself.
But he was cold and clammy and he’d been shaking so badly earlier that he could barely aim his whip. He didn’t want to be seen like that, so he’d slipped away. Alcohol wasn’t something he frequently indulged in, but if ever he had a need for it, today seemed appropriate. He had procured a bottle of wine from somewhere—he couldn’t remember where, but he was walking to his tent, holding it.
The smart thing to do would have been to take some medicine and lie down, to properly hydrate—but his mind wouldn’t stop spinning and he needed to numb it. It felt like he was drunk already—had he been drinking? Was he hungover Had Nick done something so awful that he’d decided to drink it away?
Arias glanced down at the bottle in his hand and stared for a long moment.
Entirely possible.
He pushed his way into the tent, already walking towards the chair across the room. He made it two steps in before he even realized that he wasn’t alone.
Speak of the devil.
“Nick,” he said, voice betraying more surprise than he’d intended. He instinctively tried to hide the bottle behind his leg as he focused his eyes on the male. “You’re back early.” He hesitated, examining Nick for just a second before he asked, “Are you all right?”
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Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2018 10:35 am
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At the sound of his husband’s voice, Nick sat up, the excitement on his face unable to be hidden. “Arias!” There was a warmth in his voice that had been absent lately, he knew it, there were things that were wrong…not just with him…but between them and Nick thought perhaps now was the chance to fix them…if the world was going to hell…if he was losing his mind, then at least he could make sure that Arias and himself were okay.
No, better than okay. Perfect.
He could fix this.
Purple eyes landed on the wine bottle that Arias was trying…rather unsuccessfully to hide and a frown shadowed Nick’s face. “You…you’re drinking, love?”
It wasn’t like Arias to drink. At least…Nick had never known him to be a big drinker though…if he were, it would explain all of the mood swings.
Again his mind seemed to break and he saw Arias smiling and for a moment, Nick’s head hurt so much he thought he would just die then and there but…
“You ah…you interested in sharing some of that with me, honey? I’m not really…feeling my best and I could use some…and maybe you and I should talk a little too, if you’re up to it…”
He wanted to see that smile. See it for real, not in some strange…daydream…headache memory.
“I guess…I have some things that I want to say to you, and…yeah. So…come join me in bed, if you’d like?” He opened his arms and managed a smile for a moment, though it faded quickly, replaced by a wince as another lance of pain shot through his head.
Nothing was wrong. Nothing was wrong.
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Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2018 7:56 pm
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Truthfully, Arias wasn't sure he wanted to go to Nick--and yet, as if he had no control over himself he found himself drifting nearer. Nick had seen the bottle, there was no hiding it. Briefly, he had considered coming up with some excuse; instead, he just twisted the already loosened cork and took as long a swig as he could imagine before he sank into the bed next to Nick.
He tried not to look as impassive, as sick as he felt, so he sat down and let his hair fall in his face. He didn't make an effort to brush it away but handed his husband the bottle. There was no need for glasses; this wasn't some romantic date.
He pushed himself into Nick's arms and settled against him as if it would bring him some comfort.
"We can talk," he said, as soon as swallowed the mouthful of wine. He didn't know if the conversation was going to be good or bad so he didn't bother to brace himself for anything.
He didn't look at Nick, just feigned being focused on kicking off his boots as he held out the bottle. "What's on your mind?"
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Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2018 7:38 am
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Nick shook his head. “I don’t think so, no...I...I really don’t feel good, Arias. My head feels like it wants to split open and I keep remembering your smile and I want it back…” He sounded so foolish. So cheesy...so...cheap.
But...he couldn’t help it. “Arias, you mean the world to me, I want to make things better. I want us to be happy again. Really happy...how can we get there...do you have ideas? I’m going to stop it with the affairs...that has to stop, you’re right. I’ve been stupid and unfaithful for too long, and I’m happy with you. Thrilled with you...I mean...I don’t know.”
Reaching up, he rubbed at one of his eyes, hoping that would cease the pounding in his head...it didn’t do much, but it had been worth a try.
“I never thought I’d find someone I loved enough to settle down with...and when I think about leaving you, I feel like dying. The thought has never appealed to me. If it came to you or someone else, the choice would be you...and the choice is you now. Can we get help? Where could we go? We could talk to someone maybe? I...maybe marriage counseling? Or...we could look into adoption...I wouldn’t want to raise a child acting like I do...so we could...we could…”
He broke off, sighing and picking up the wine bottle again, taking another long drink. “I could share my love that way. Into our family...where it belongs.”
The words didn’t stop the pounding in his head, but they made him feel strangely better, and for a moment, he thought that things might just end up okay...maybe.
Hopefully.
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Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2018 12:44 pm
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Arias continued to watch Nick, completely silent as he observed. He watched as Nick took another sip of the wine he’d brought, but he neither chastised him nor asked for it back.
He knew the sensation of pain well enough—it was radiating from his skull. His heart, too, but regardless of wherever his headache was coming from, he was certain the two were unrelated. He was still trying to recall what had happened that would make Nick so vocal about any of this.
Certainly, he was bitter about the other relationships. He’d said it before, but after eliciting only agitation, he’d been careful not to bring it up again. Not really, at least. He’d put Nick’s happiness above his own, because he knew it was easier for him to manage his emotions.
Or, maybe, just easier for him to bury them.
But the things Nick said just confused him.
Remembered his smile? He knew how to smile. Make things better—be happy again. Again? ‘Really’ happy? Was Nick no longer happy—was his happiness unreal? Fake, forced?
‘When I think about leaving you’…
Arias lingered on the phrase for a long moment. He heard the rest, but the conversation seemed distant after then. He recognized that Nick said the mere thought of leaving him pained him, and yet…
It hurt that Nick had thought about it.
He drew in a slow breath, a steadying breath, and tried to pretend like it didn’t matter.
“Children?” he said instead, after a moment. “I thought you said you didn’t want any. Are you trying to bribe me with a family?”
He didn’t like the silence, so he added, “I wasn’t thinking about leaving you. Has something happened?”
Was some rumor going around that he just hadn’t caught wind of, yet? Or, worse.
Nick had done something else and was trying to get ahead of it before Arias caught wind of it.
Arias’ heart skipped a beat, but things suddenly made sense. It was the only reason he could imagine Nick would have taken initiative to broach this topic with him—he wanted to be on Arias’ good side before something exploded.
Leave the circus before Arias found out.
He wondered if Nick had found another lover and hadn’t told him, or impregnated someone along the way.
His heart sank, but his face remained the same passive expression he’d been wearing for the duration of the conversation.
It hurt more when he realized it was easier to think that Nick was trying to avoid getting caught in a scandal than it was to believe he was making a genuine effort to improve their relationship.
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Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2018 8:38 am
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All of the hope drained from Nick’s face at Arias’ words, and for a moment, he didn’t know what to say. “Oh.” For a moment Nick thought about pulling away, going…somewhere. Anywhere.
Just away from this. This was not the reaction that he had expected or hoped for…and he didn’t expect Arias to throw his words back in his face like this…why would he accuse him of something like this? It didn’t make sense. “Why…why would I bribe you with a family? I don’t even…”
He felt as though he had been struck with Arias’ whip and his whole body seemed to sting.
“No…no nothing’s happened I just…I don’t know. I just wanted to fix our relationship, that’s all…I thought…”
He finally pulled completely away, the pain in his head almost blinding him.
“I don’t feel well…I keep having strange thoughts and everything just feels wrong…and I wanted to fix the only thing that matters…I know I’m a strain on our relationship…and I just…”
Swallowing hard, Nick looked away, trying to hide the tears that had sprung to his eyes. “I just…thought if anything was going to feel right, it should be us. I want it to be us. You’re all that matters to me, Arias…and I just wanted to give you what you wanted since you’ve been so lenient with me…and I…I think I would like a child. I think it would be nice to watch a little person grow up…and to be able to fill them with love and teach them to be a decent human…”
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Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2018 8:48 am
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“And yet,” Arias’ eyes went to the bottle. “…You can’t have this conversation without half a bottle of wine.”
Was it cold? He didn’t mean it to be. It was just an observation. Arias had all the patience in the world—most days. But when everything felt wrong? How could he even trust this conversation? Or himself?
There were plenty of reasons why Nick would bribe him with a family. If Nick thought he was in danger of Arias trying to leave him, what better way to tether him than with the promise of a child? Arias couldn’t put a child through divorce, and certainly Nick would have known that.
Even if it wasn’t meant to be an underhanded method to keep him, Arias couldn’t help but consider it.
His eyes were downcast and he felt a heaviness about him.
Guilt, he recognized immediately.
Guilt, because he didn’t want Nick to hurt, and because he wasn’t immediately saying the things he knew Nick wanted—needed—to hear.
Truthfully, it should have warmed Arias’ heart to hear Nick say such kind words—that their relationship was the only thing that mattered, that making things right was the most important thing, but…
‘I wanted to give you what you wanted since you’ve been so lenient with me.’
A reward for Arias’ patience while he tolerated Nick’s infidelity.
A present.
Arias wondered if Nick was qualified to teach anyone to be a decent human being—and then, when he realized what he was thinking, he wondered if he was qualified.
He hadn’t missed the tears in Nick’s eyes, but he didn’t comment on them. He knew they were there, and he reached to rest his hand atop of the blonde’s. He was silent for a long moment and then mumbled, “I am sorry.”
Nick was trying to make things better, in his own way. Arias should have been happier.
He just felt so tired, and his head hurt.
“All of this came out of nowhere. I’ve been in a bad mood since earlier. I appreciate you trying to talk this out with me, but I think you’re moving too fast. Children?” he prompted, no malice or hostility in his voice. It was a genuine concern, and he wasn’t making any effort to reprimand or scold. “They are a big responsibility.”
An Arias wanted them—he’d wanted a family for a while, now. But he had stopped asking months ago, and he wondered if Nick had even noticed.
“…We should fix us before we bring someone else in. A kid—a baby, a toddler. Sleepless nights, errands, screaming, messes.” All those things that Nick had complained about before, Arias was considering now. He’d always listened to Nick’s side of things—and he’d always countered with his own arguments while he plead for Nick to at least consider.
“…It will be frustrating. It will be draining. It will be taxing. It will put more of a toll on our relationship,” he mumbled. “…So we should probably have a strong foundation before we introduce another person into our lives.”
There was no malice, and he didn’t even sound disappointed. Just realistic, and tired.
Arias wanted a family. Arias wanted to be happy. Arias wanted it to be him and Nick, and for everything to work out in the end. So why wasn’t it easy to just nod and talk about what they could do to fix things?
He drew in a shaky breath and grimaced as another headache splintered through his mind.
“…Nick, I love you,” he said quietly, “And I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I…”
He faltered. He didn’t know how to say it. He didn’t want to hurt him.
He wanted to fix things, so badly. He wanted to believe in Nick. He wanted to have the family, the future they’d talked about.
But…
He thought about how easily it was for Nick to flirt. He was irresistible; people flocked to him, and Nick loved it. He thrived on the attention. One relationship wasn’t enough—he needed Orah and Ollie, and all his adoring audience to love him to their fullest.
Arias didn’t know if it was cruel to ask him to change; he didn’t know if he was being selfish or foolish.
But, even if Arias was right to ask for things…
There was no anger, only an uncertain, pained confession.
“…I just don’t know if you can change.”
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Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2018 8:51 am
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Nick wanted to react, he wanted to protest and rage and yell that he was trying and that he didn’t expect to be met with such a cold response…but for once, he decided to listen to take in the words fully before speaking…even though it was difficult with the pain in his head…he tried anyway.
Quietly he picked up the bottle of wine and held it out to Arias, giving what he hoped passed for a small smile. “Sorry. My head has been killing me and I just…I guess I was thirsty. It hasn’t been a good day, I don’t think. I feel very off kilter, and I apologize for saying such strange things.”
Strange, perhaps…but not…not outlandish. They weren’t things he just wanted to say to make Arias stay with him…they were things he wanted…forced out now by doubt and confusion.
“I know we can’t just swoop in and pick up a child. I understand that, but someday…when we get ourselves…when I get myself straightened out, I would like to go down that path with you, if you are still interested. I know you’ve stopped asking…and for a while I was relieved…but I don’t know. I’ve started to realize that maybe that means you just don’t care anymore…and that thought scares me.”
He wiped the tears out of his eyes and turned to look at Arias again, squeezing his hand lightly. “If you don’t know if I can change, then I at least have to try. If you’re challenging me, you know I can’t resist that. I have to prove you wrong on principle if nothing else…”
The words stung, but he tried to move past that. Tried to be as reassuring as he possibly could…but it was hard.
Every instinct was telling him to leave. To run. To go somewhere else. He had people who wanted him…why was he wasting time with the one who seemed to be over their relationship…
Because he loved Arias. Because Arias was the one he could see himself with down the road, growing old with him, retiring from the circus together…getting a nice little house somewhere and just…existing happily.
He had always seen that future. It had always been in his mind but…
For once, it was no longer clear in his mind, and the thought terrified him. “Please, Arias…before you give up…can’t we go to marriage counseling? Please? I want this to work, I want this to work more than you can possibly imagine…” The relative calm with which he had been speaking for the last few moments seemed to shatter and his last words were tinged with desperation. He clung to Arias’ hand with a vicegrip, and did his best not to let his eyes flicker back towards the wine bottle.
…He didn’t need to be drunk to talk about his feelings, but damn he wished he could be to just not have them anymore.
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Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2018 9:17 am
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Arias’ anger had faded, replaced by a dull ache. It was fainter now, but he knew it wasn’t going to be so easy that it would just fade away. It felt like they’d had this conversation before, and he wondered why they were even repeating themselves—and yet, when he tried to recall before, there were only brief flashes of anything.
Nothing substantial.
A dream?
His fingers laced with Nick’s effortlessly; they had always fit together so nicely.
“I haven’t given up, Nick,” he said, setting the bottle of wine down a bit further than he needed to. He groped instead of a cool canister of water he’d left here earlier and passed it to Nick instead.
“And I still care. But it’s been an odd day for me, too,” he confessed. “I’m tired, and cranky. I feel worn out and I can’t remember what I was doing. It means a lot to me that you wanted to go out of your way to make sure I was all right, though. I’m sorry I was suspicious.”
He reached his hand to comb through his hair and sighed heavily. It was easy to deflate under the weight of everything.
“I want you to be happy too, Nick. I don’t want to ask for more than you can give me. Your other relationships…Of course I worry about them. But you’ve always come back to me, so far. But, I admit…your lack of interest in our future—of a family, or ten, fifteen years down the road—has weighed heavily on me. But I didn’t tell anyone.”
He sounded confused, as if he was trying to force any memories that might have eluded them. “…I thought I did a good job keeping that to myself. When you started talking about it, I…I just didn’t know where it was coming from. But…even now, yes. I still want a future with you. I still want a family. That hasn’t changed. I just wanted you to want it, too.”
His eyes found Nick’s.
“Do you really? Want it—for you, not just for me?”
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Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2018 9:24 am
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Taking a nap, now, might have helped his head—maybe—but he doubted this would be a conversation they could just pick up again if they didn’t finish it now. And yet, for all the trouble it had started with, Arias felt less and less of the crushing weight that seemed to constantly hang over him.
…But he didn’t want to compete for attention, and Nick offering freedom from that was too tempting. To be free of the feeling of inadequacy and doubt, to be free of the stress of competition…
To be able to be happy and to love without complications?
…To have a family?
“I’m not going to isolate you from everyone else, he murmured. “I’m not demanding you break up with everyone. I’m not demanding you don’t have inappropriate thoughts about others. I know you. And I say this with all the love in my heart, but I know you can’t just quit cold turkey. You’ll still be tempted, you’ll make mistakes. You’ll mess up. So don’t try to take on the world and then be upset when you fail. Small steps mean the world to me, and I’ll be here to support you. And we’ll work things out.”
He rested his head on Nick’s shoulder, now.
“Maybe kids would be good for you, though. Burn out some of your energy. You wouldn’t have the energy for other relationships if you’ve got two kids you have to keep up with. And besides,” he hesitated and then leaned forward to kiss Nick’s cheek. “….I’ll bet you and some kids could get along pretty well. Probably even have a lot in common.”
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