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 Posted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 8:53 pm
Xi wasn’t at home. By the time Caleb made fully sure of that fact, it was getting harder to breath and he felt the stinging sensation in his eyes beginning to get more intense until finally the tears spilled over. For well over an hour the brunette couldn’t do more than weep, heavy soul crushing sobs that began to hurt much more than they helped, until finally he didn’t seem to have any tears remaining.
Caleb was on the couch, staring blankly at the ceiling through red rimmed eyes. He wished that he was of an age to go and get something to drink. Something strong.
He had never wanted to drink before…of course he had tried alcohol on trips with his parents…
For a moment Caleb’s vision darkened as the thought of the trip coming up at the end of the year made him almost feel sick. He had begged to go to China…for Xi-Wang. Well.
Well ******** that with a red hot poker.
He must have fallen asleep for at least a little while, for when Caleb next opened his eyes, it was dark in the apartment, but he didn’t feel like turning on any light…but…
At the same time he didn’t want Xi to think he was sleeping and just go right in to bed. No. They had a lot of talking to do.
Slowly, Caleb sat up and leaned over, turning on the lamp next to the couch, and waited.
Hopefully he would be home soon.
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Posted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 9:36 pm
He did come home, where else would he go? He'd made a friend, and had some fun out, but it was time to return home and spend the rest of the evening with Caleb. It was still fairly early, though given the time of year it seemed later as it was dark out already, not to say it was all that early...just earlier than it felt.
With flowers, that he had purchased, in hand he unlocked the door to the apartment and let himself in. It was rather dark, he could see some light on but less than he was expecting. "Caleb?" Had the other gone out? Or was there a movie on? Straining his ears a bit, in case the tv was turned down low, he shook his head as he removed his shoes. He didn't hear anything.
The smile which had adorned his face when he'd first opened the door was now gone, and concerned eyes glanced about as he stepped further into the apartment.
There, sitting on the couch, was Caleb. Sitting there silently and it looked like something out of a horror movie, or some creepy scene from any number of movies. The others back was to him so he couldn't see his face, couldn't see his expression. "Caleb....?" Trying again, softer this time, more hesitant as if he might be poking a bear and he feared waking it.
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Posted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 7:33 am
Caleb had watched the taller male enter the apartment and had decided that he couldn’t look at him. He had turned away in the moment between when he first heard his name and the second time, planting his back firmly against Xi-Wang.
He had flowers, most likely from his date and the thought made bile rise in his throat. This was a joke, right? This was all some sort of twisted joke, and he would just…wake up. Soon. Hopefully.
Finally he drew in a breath and turned around, looking bored. Or, trying to look bored.
“Oh, Xi. Welcome home.” His voice was quiet and while it didn’t sound angry…there was a definite edge to it.
“You uh. Had a good date, did you?” His arms folded over his chest and Caleb sat up a little taller, trying to seem stronger in this situation. He wouldn’t be weak. He wouldn’t crumble or start to cry again. Or at least…that was what he kept telling himself.
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Posted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 12:48 pm
Standing there, feeling very much unsure of himself and his next move, he could feel himself shifting his weight and trying to move but not be obvious about it. He wanted to grab at the hem of his sleeve, or his shirt, and just occupy his fingers and let out some of the energy coursing through him. Why wasn't the other turning around? Why wasn't Caleb talking? The other had heard him, no doubt about it, so why...?
Had he known the sort of event he was going to he wouldn't have gone. But once there he had taken his friends advice, given to him before the event, and that was to make friends - he needed them. And he had, he'd made a friend, and he was happy for that. It was a small step but it was something. It was someone new in his life...someone who, to his knowledge, wasn't involved in this war. If he thought about that he honestly wasn't sure what he thought about that, he still didn't like Caleb being clueless about his involvement but how to approach that...he didn't know - especially now.
The other was talking, questioning him, and was so obviously upset with him. "Date?" Shaking his head he bite down on the inside of his cheek. "I wasn't out on a date." Maybe that's what the event was for but there had been no date, how could you even go on a date in some big room hosting such an event? It didn't seem very date like to him. "I went out to make friends..." The hands which held the flowers tightened. He wanted to give them to Caleb, a way of apology for being out so long when the other didn't like him being out, but the idea of closing the gap between them filled him with fear.
Caleb wasn't happy, he was sure of that, and he felt so small right now and the idea of moving just seemed impossible as he stood there. His legs felt weighed down but at the same time like jelly, like they'd just give out from under him soon.
"A-are you ok?"The words tumbled out past his lips and almost instantly he mentally, and tried to emotionally, brace for what he was sure to be a storm of an answer. He shouldn't have said that...he really shouldn't have.
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Posted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 1:21 pm
Caleb’s eyes flashed and he almost growled. His nostrils flared out at the very least. How could he just…lie like that? This wasn’t fair. “No? You went out on Valentine's day. To a blind date event...when you had a boyfriend at home who had wanted to spend the day with you...so you stood me up for someone else on what’s supposed to be the ‘most romantic day of the year’ or whatever crap you want to hear being spewed...and then you come an you lie about it and say that it’s not a date? I saw you there, Xi. You and some other tall guy. I had hoped it wasn’t you, but it was. Because you weren’t home.”
He let out a laugh that showed just how close he was to the edge of hysterics. “Not that this is your home anyway. Or whatever. You love living with other people. ******** it. You want to know if I’m okay? No. No I’m not okay. I want you out of here. You have a week, but then I want you gone. I’m done. I’m done with you not giving a fig for anything that’s going on in my life. You don’t notice anything and I’m tired of it.”
Caleb reached up, scrubbing at his streaming eyes. “I want this to be over. I’m breaking up with you.” There was no joy in the statement. No sense of relief or freedom. And Caleb felt he crack in his heart that had formed when he saw Xi with the other boy grow bigger, and he wondered if he would ever be able to feel anything again.
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Posted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 1:28 pm
"I wasn't..." Stopping in order to collect himself, to take the time he needed and calm his nerves, his head shook slightly but not enough to be in the negative as if denying the others words. Xi-Wang was trying to keep himself as still as he could, as if any motions might set the other off - and it might. As he gathered himself he listened to the other, to the words which spilled from the others lips. Finally he found his words and tried to start again, to try and explain himself.
“I didn’t know it was a blind date event. I-I went to make friends and I did. I made a friend.” He wanted to ask how it was that Caleb had known where he was, since he hadn’t said anything about the event as he had been clueless about what it actually was. He didn’t ask though, curious as he was, as he was sure it wouldn’t be wise to do so. It was when Caleb said he had seen him, Kit and himself, that he felt his eyes going wider as his mind scrambled with all sorts of ideas.
How was it that Caleb had come to that place looking for him? He hadn’t mentioned where he was going that morning, why would he? He hadn’t planned to spend so much of the day out, not that it was too late for Caleb and himself to do anything, but what had brought Caleb there looking for him? If he had said nothing, which he hadn’t, then how had Caleb found him there? What had brought Caleb there….he didn’t like where his thoughts were rushing towards - he didn’t like it at all and he was quick to silence it before he misspoke and asked the other about this. It wasn’t the place, he knew this.
The others laughter seemed to bring him out of his thoughts and the laughter...it sent a chill through him. It was wrong, it didn’t sound right coming from Caleb. There was something just not right about it. Before he could think too much on it the others words were coming again and these words hurt, hurt more than the unspoken accusation of cheating ever could.
This wasn’t his home? How was it not? Maybe he didn’t pay for the apartment but neither did Caleb, though his parents did, but Xi-Wang paid for and bought groceries and he cooked and he cleaned, he did the wash as well. He didn’t always do these things but he did try and do his fair share of these household tasks. Somehow thought this wasn’t his home suddenly...but why? Why wasn't it his home as well? All his things were here and he had called this place home….but he’d been mistaken it seemed - and gravely so.
As the other continued though he caught on to the other mentioning his apparent love of living with other people. For a moment it didn’t make sense, he couldn’t figure out what Caleb was talking about, but then a little whisper in his head reminded him. He had explained well, at least he thought he’d explain it well, that he thought moving in so soon after they’d started dating was moving too fast. He was moving in with a friend who had offered. He had wanted to ease into things, and he had thought he’d done so well. As he’d spent more time here, as opposed to Rhona’s, things had migrated over until he’d moved in fully and he’d thought that was it - this was home. Apparently he had been wrong though - so very wrong.
How was it that he could have been so wrong and not realized it? Why had Caleb not told him? Had the other tried though and he’d failed to notice? Had he missed some sort of signs...some sort of tell? This really was his fault, and not just today, but this whole mess...all the cold shoulders he’d gotten and how Caleb had been short with him at times and seemingly cold and uncaring. He’d done something, or several somethings, and had earned this all for himself and he’d just been too stupid to notice it. He’d somehow hurt the other and had not noticed it - he’d hurt them...he’d ruined this. It was his fault and as the guilt came back he had to blink his eyes a few times, wanting to keep his own tears at bay, he didn’t deserve the right to shed them...not when he was the cause of this. The whispers, that this was his fault sounded at times like his mother and others like himself. Mocking or sickeningly sweet the promised that this was his fault - that he should feel guilt but he should do something and make up for it somehow...but how? How could he do anything?
When he had started to shake he didn’t know but he noticed it when he went to reach up and wipe at his eyes as the others final words, the final nail in the coffin was hit home. His hand shook and he noticed, slowly in a sort of lethargic way, that he was shaking in general. It wasn’t just his hand. He was trying to hold in his own sobs and while he didn’t make a noise, and no tears fell, he certainly couldn’t contain himself fully. But he didn’t deserve the right to cry...not when this was his fault, when he had caused pain to someone else.
A week...a week to leave a home that wasn’t his home, a home that he had mistakenly thought was his home, a box with rooms inside of it and filled with things but yet no warmth anymore...though when had it last truly been warm in here? Had he really missed so much? He must have if this was happening. What a horrible boyfriend he had been...to have caused so much suffering.
Biting down on the inside of his cheek, rather than the bottom of his lip, he managed to nod his head slowly. A meek sort of bobbling up and down of his head before he found the ability to speak. “O-ok…” What else was there to say? What words could he say to fix things...to give some sort of relief to the other whom he’d hurt so terribly? He didn’t know, it seemed like anything he said might just cause more hurt, because he didn’t know how not to hurt someone...he didn’t even know when he was hurting someone. How terrible he was.
Gathering himself enough to move he shuffled his socked feet into the kitchen slowly, flowers still clutched tightly in his hands, and set them on the counter before he either dropped them or in some way managed to ruin them also.
“I-I need to leave…” As he stood there, silence filling the apartment, the words words and their full weight hit him. He had no home - again. It wasn’t anything he was new to but this hurt and it left him adrift once more. He knew he had options, options he hadn’t had little over a year ago...but what island to paddle to and seek shelter at. He couldn’t stay here tonight...he needed to leave tonight, the sooner the better. He needed to stop hurting the other and he needed to get away from this silence...from the guilt - he had to ruin.
Silent as could be, not wanting to disturb the atmosphere, he went to get a few garbage bags and made towards Caleb’s bedroom, because this wasn’t his home, and started to pack his things. Making sure he took only what was his...only what he had earned and bought himself or had brought over here from Rhona’s. He didn’t take anything more., He had no room and no way to take more than what was his anyway.
Clothing was folded, not that it mattered much, and placed into the first bag followed by other fabric and soft items. The second bag would be filled with anything else which may cause problems, the only exception being his laptop which was shoved between two blankets for safety.
Xi-Wang didn’t know how long it took but he got it done, all of it, he did a clean sweep of grabbing everything he could so he wouldn’t have to come back after tonight. Two bags filled with everything, and part of a third, he took his time in dragging them out to the hallway and then, once done, he left the key by the door and closed it behind himself.
There was no going back for him...he had to move forward and try better...try not to hurt others again, he needed to improve himself.
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Posted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 3:28 pm
There was no apology. No plea to fix things, no...no nothing. No gentle press to go to bed now, to talk about it in the morning. There was nothing to be done now, and when the door closed, Caleb again lost what little control he had over himself.
With a loud sob, he curled up into a small ball on the couch and covered his head up with a blanket, by the time he finished crying, it was nearly midnight, and with what little energy he had left, Caleb drew himself up and walked to the door, a sob bubbling up from his throat at the sight of the key that was left behind, and as he picked it up in one hand, he used the other to lock the door.
It was over.
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Posted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 3:52 pm
There had been no apology for Caleb to hear but there had been the words, whispered as they were. He hadn't left the apartment building, or even the hallway, right away. The legs which had held him up, despite their quaking, had given out finally. Sunk to the ground, bags on either side of him, he had pressed his face into them as the sobs had finally come. Tears fell and clung to lashes, stuck the plastic to his cheeks, as he shook and whispered and whimpered out his apologies. Words the other might not hear but words which had to be said...even if to the air.
He loved the other, there had never been a doubt in his mind, and he still did...it was why this hurt so much. But he had hurt Caleb, without trying or meaning to, and it was best if he was gone so it would stop - right? So he would stop hurting the other, and hurting them.
Had he known what lay just on the other side of the thick door, and across the room, he would have been knocking on the door to get let in - to offer comfort. This was his fault and he would have wanted to try and offer some comfort....even if it meant being yelled and struck by the other in return for it - he deserved it right?
But, unfortunately, he didn't know and he remained where he was on the hallway floor outside what had once been their front door...or maybe it had never been theirs, just Caleb's? He wasn't sure what to think at the moment, he just knew what he felt and what he'd been told. Wrapping his arm about the bag his face had been pressed to, wouldn't it be amusing if he had suffocated and died right here due to sobbing into a plastic bag, and held it close to his chest for comfort.
When he finally did move he was unsure of the time but he legs were cramped, stiff, and he felt so drained and just...empty Even as thoughts moved about he felt empty of emotions and feelings in general. There was just...nothing there, he'd cried it all out.
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