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 Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:25 am
With a small grin, Tobias made his way inside. He hoped that everything with Evan would turn out okay…but at the very least he did have this small victory with Zac to make the day somewhat worthwhile. It seemed that the closer he got to Evan the harsher Zac was on him but…but when it came to helping Evan…
There was no time to squabble about who was going to do what. Evan was the most important person, and that was all there was to it.
After giving one last slightly snarky remarke to Zac, Tobias turned towards his goal.
He sighed and moved towards Evan’s door, gripping the flowers and food tightly. Softly he knocked on the door, and then opened it slipping inside. “Evan? You okay if I come in honey?” His voice was quiet and he smiled, moving towards the bed. “I brought you some mac and cheese that I cooked myself. I didn’t even burn my house down…or even start a fire this time. Are you proud of me, because I am.” He tried to keep his voice light as he placed the bags of food and drink on the bed.
“I brought you flowers too, I thought they might cheer you up a little.”
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Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:29 am
Evan didn’t move when the door opened; he didn’t even look up, at first. He was in the same position he’d been in all day—in the dark, under a blanket, staring at the television as it played what appeared to be some documentary. It was too quiet to hear what was being said, unless you were really straining, but Evan didn’t seem to mind.
His eyes were red, but it wasn’t immediately clear why. Maybe it was from crying, or staring at the television for so long, or maybe he had allergies or something. He almost didn’t seem like he was going to move at all, but when the light from the hallway began to stream in, he squinted and turned his gaze to Tobias.
“You didn’t have to do that,” he said; there wasn’t much enthusiasm in his voice, only guilt and the tired traces of worry.
He wanted to express more enthusiasm for seeing his boyfriend, but he just couldn’t seem to muster any and wound up slumping back onto the bed. “It’s sweet of you, but I might have been able to save you a trip. I’m not so hungry. I’m just tired. I’m sorry.”
He tried to force a smile, but even that seemed like more effort than he had energy to spare.
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Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:30 am
“That’s okay, Ev. I brought you some Dr. Pepper too, I know how that helps to make you feel a little better. You’re most likely better off not eating my cooking anyway, I just wanted to help.”
Smiling still, Tobais left the room for a moment, returning with a glass full of water which he had placed the flowers in. “There. Now at least you can have these to look at, and when you do you can think of your wonderful boyfriend who loves you more than anything.”
Moving to the other side of the bed Tobias sat down, reaching out and smoothing Evan’s hair. “Do you want some company? I don’t have any plans, you know that. I’m a spoiled rich guy who doesn’t need a job so…if you want me to stay, my schedule is fully open to you, always.”
He wondered if that had come out wrong. It kind of made him seem lazy…but at the same time made it seem as though he was only here because he had nothing better to do which was not the case at all. With a heavy sigh, Tobias leaned down, kissing the top of Evan’s head. “I’m worried about you, and I just wanted to see for myself that you’re all right. If you want me to leave, I will, but I want to stay close in case you need me. I love you, honey. I want to help you get through this. I want you to know that I’m here.”
When had he become such a sap? The words spewing from his own lips were ones that would have caused him to burst out laughing at whoever said it in the past…but now…
Things were so different.
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Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:34 am
For a few seconds, Evan said nothing. It wasn’t clear if he was trying to think of something to say, or if he was deliberately avoiding the conversation—or if he was just tired.
“You don’t have to leave,” he mumbled, barely loud enough for his voice to break through the blanket he’d nearly buried himself in. “…I’m sorry I wasn’t texting you so much. I didn’t mean to ignore you. Or worry you.”
Or take forty five minutes to text back a smiley face to something that probably deserved more than that.
His eyes shifted from the television to the flowers and, after a few seconds of what appeared to be blankly staring at them, he noted, “They’re pretty. I like them.”
And, he did, he just couldn’t gush over them like he usually might. Truthfully, he didn’t want to be alone, but he was terrible company in this state, and the fact of the matter was that if Tobias stayed, he was going to wind up seeing Evan in a way that Evan didn’t want to be seen.
Weak, and pathetic, and useless, and horrible.
Evan deflated, torn between dismissing Tobias and just pretending like he’d fallen asleep so he could avoid conversation.
But, if Tobias had made the effort to come over here—to get him flowers, and to cook for him, and to try and make him feel better…
“I just didn’t sleep a lot last night. And I haven’t been able to sleep today. I’m sure this is nothing to worry about. It’s just. A thing. That happens.”
Even full sentences seemed like they were so much effort; Evan felt winded from even just that—and combined with how dry his mouth was, it was hard to imagine he could even do much talking.
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Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:35 am
Evan said that he could stay. For a moment Tobais almost broke into a grin that was not fitting of the situation, and instead he gave another small smile and ran his fingers through Evan’s hair again. “I’m glad that you like them. And You don’t have to be sorry. You’re not feeling well. I can’t fault you for that, and I was never angry at you, I was only worried for you.”
He fell into silence, watching Evan as he softly massaged the younger male’s scalp. He wasn’t quite sure what to say, at least at first. Finally he gave a sigh. “Of course it’s just a thing that happens. Evan, you’ve seen me at my worst, after the spiders…remember? And you took such good care of me while I was sick…we’re in a relationship honey, that’s how they work.”
Tobias fell quiet again, sighing. “We take care of one another. Through the good times, and the bad…and you told me that you had bad moments when you finally agreed to make our friendship into something more…and I promised that I would never hold those against you, and I won’t. So if you need time to just sit here and watch…” He glanced at the television and shrugged. “Whatever this is, and sit in silence, that’s fine. We’ll do it together. I’m not going to let you face your demons alone. I want to be here facing them with you…just like you’ll be there helping me with mine.”
He kicked his shoes off and scooted onto the bed a bit more, wrapping his arms around Evan, giving him a gentle squeeze.”I’ll love you always, no matter what.”
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Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:36 am
Evan grunted, but it sounded like little more than a heavy sigh. “I don’t want to fight anything,” he said weakly. “I don’t have the energy for it. You can change the channel, though. Honestly, I don’t think this is helping. I watched a three hour documentary on a leopard only to find out she was torn apart at the end. But I really wanted her to be okay. She deserved a happily ever after.”
It was the most he could manage to say for a moment; he gave Tobias a few seconds to settle before he managed to relax against him. Though he didn’t say anything, he wondered how Tobias seemed to forget that Evan hadn’t been at his prime during the fight. He had a vague recollection of losing himself, but things were clearer afterwards—when he was with Tobias. But that was easy, he just had to keep an eye on him and make sure he rested and healed up.
This…
He wished he had a simple solution to this. He didn’t want to be in an off mood. Tobias might say it was okay, or that he wanted to help him, but Evan had just enough energy to wonder how long Tobias could put up with him in a mood like this before he got tired of. Before he wanted to leave, to seek out someone else who could be happy and fun and didn’t come with all this baggage.
Dangerously close to losing himself to his own thoughts, Evan had to force himself to say something.
“The remote’s right there.”
Evan didn’t nod or point; the remote was next to the bed, where it usually was, only a few feet away.
“I was just too tired to get up and get it so I could change the channel. I don’t like nature shows. I don’t know why this is on.”
His eyes fluttered shut with the scalp massage and, while he wasn’t sure he wanted to be touched right now, that he couldn’t say no to. The arms around him, even, were loose enough that he wasn’t protesting. He didn’t know how long it would last before he was itching for personal space, but for now, this was nice.
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Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:36 am
Tobias picked up the remote and flipped the channels until he found one that he knew Evan would…if not enjoy, at the very least he would tolerate it. The Food Network.
This…seemed like it was a lot more than simple winter blues…this was a deeper depression then Tobias had anticipated on…and it made his stomach feel as though something were stabbing it. “You need rest, sweet heart.” His voice was soft again, still massaging his scalp. “You don’t need to fight anything, and when you get the energy and decide that you do what to fight, I’ll be right here with you, I swear it. I’m not going anywhere.”
He wasn’t sure what else to say, wasn’t really sure that any of his words were even reaching Evan at all…and that was an upsetting thought.
Finally, after another few minutes of silence while he watched some cooks trying to figure out what to make out of four random ingredients. What a hot mess.
“When you get some energy back, Evan. If you want to talk, I’m here to listen. I know you can’t talk right now, I know you’re too tired, and that’s okay.” Tobias’s voice was soothing, silky and soft. “You’ll get some energy back, and then you and I can tackle this. There’s something bothering you, yeah? I want to help you overcome it. I want to help you in any way…in every way that I can. You are my absolute world, and I want to make sure that your world is a little bit brighter…and if all I can do is sit here and listen to you, then so be it. I will sit here listen to every issue, every fear that you want to confide in me. And then we’ll get past them together…”
He sounded like someone reading from a Hallmark Movie script…but…
…Those movies were actually not half bad, not that he would ever admit to having watching a few dozen over the Holiday season…but…
Evan was the guy he was planning on marrying. He had to be the supportive boyfriend. Even if it wasn’t his duty…he wanted to be Evan’s rock.
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Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:40 am
Evan seemed to relax almost instantly when a familiar cooking show appeared. It was a small victory, but instead of the strained staring at the television, he looked like it was something he might be able to lower his defenses around.
And he did, for a while. Even when Tobias broached the topic about talking.
Evan wished that he could have expressed how much it meant to him that Tobias was being so sweet to him, or that he’d taken such great effort to try and make him feel better—to make him feel safe. He wanted to let him know, but he didn’t have the words. Even if he had the energy, he didn’t know if he could find the words.
It was a phenomenal feeling—that Tobias could give so much, care so much for him. Evan felt like he was squandering a great gift when he couldn’t even tell him how much it meant. He nuzzled closer to Tobias’ fingers, though, because even that action was easier to do than to speak.
“There’s always something bothering me,” he mumbled. He wished he’d said it quieter; it wasn’t something he wanted to admit. It wasn’t something he wanted Tobias to know. “…But I don’t talk about things that can’t get fixed. I just want them to go away. If I ignore it for long enough, they’ll go away.”
One day, they would be less than a distant memory. All his bad memories would be shadows, tucked away and buried. Under newer, better memories, he hoped. Ones with Cambria and Zac and Tobias, and all the people who mattered to him.
“You don’t want to know them, anyway.” It wasn’t an accusation, just an assurance. “I want you to like me. If I tell you, you won’t. I won’t be good enough for you.”
It wasn’t depression or self-doubt, it was something he seemed to value as truth. It was a fear he took absolute stock in, partially because of his own self worth and how high he valued Tobias.
“If we don’t talk about it, it didn’t happen.”
And everything would be okay, and no one could judge him or leave him. He hated how vulnerable he felt—not with just one single memory, but with all of them, stacked on top of each other. Like a game of Jenga, even pulling just one little memory out at a time could cause everything to collapse.
Days like this were bad enough, but if he lost control of everything—if he lost everyone—he didn’t know what he would do.
Now that Tobias was here, he couldn’t imagine what he’d do if he weren’t.
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Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:40 am
The silence was almost comfortable. Almost. The way that Evan had relaxed when he had changed the channel in turn caused Tobias to relax, not fully but enough that he almost melted against Evan, swooping in for a kiss on the forehead.
He hadn’t expected that anything more would be said. He had figured that words were done for the day but…
But as always, Evan surprised him.
Tobias watched him for a long moment even after he had stopped talking, and finally pressed himself closer, keeping his eyes on Evan. “That’s not how issues go away.” His words were hardly above a whisper and a heavy sigh followed. “If we don’t talk about it…it’s just going to keep eating away at you, and eating away at you…whatever is bothering you, it’s not something I could ever judge you for…Evan if it’s something that hurts you this badly…I want you to share it with me. I want to help take some of the burden from you and free you from this pain that you keep.”
He didn’t know if he was saying the right words, and that was causing his own doubts to start swimming around his head. “I don’t want to lose you, Evan. I can’t live without you. You are the most wonderful…most amazing person that has ever come into my life, and I need you. You can’t even know all the good that you’ve done for me…I…my brother and I are talking again because of how you’ve softened me. I feel better all the time…I don’t push people away anymore…I value my relationships, and that’s because I learned how to love you.” Leaning forward, Tobias rubbed his nose against Evan’s.
“You’ve changed me from the inside out…and I want to help you feel better. Like I said, it doesn’t have to be today, it doesn’t have to be tomorrow, but one day…you’ll want to share what’s bothering you, and I will be right beside you to help take the pain away. We’ll do this together. We’ll do everything together. We’re partners, Evan…and I never want to lose that.”
He fell silent again hoping that he said the right things. Hoping he didn’t just sound like some nosy arrogant a*****e, and afraid that was exactly what he did sound like.
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Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:43 am
When Tobias pressed his nose to Evan’s, he managed a smile. It wasn’t much of anything, but it was enough to be something. His eyes didn’t seem so lifeless.
Evan was not hopeless.
He didn’t immediately speak, but he wasn’t silent. Or, at least, his stomach wasn’t.
In the moment it took him to collect his thoughts, his stomach growled loudly.
His silence was renewed until he found it in himself to clear his throat. “…I suppose, since you worked so hard to cook me something, it would be rude not to at least try it.”
He didn’t make any effort to get up; he was too tired, too comfortable, and too safe where he was.
Quieter, he added, “Thank you, Tobias.”
He didn’t want to talk. How was he supposed to put these things into words? When he’d tried before it had come out wrong. It had drawn a rift between his friends, his family. It had changed him.
But then, Evan had changed a lot in the recent years of his life. More than just through the Negaverse—which was another dilemma in its own. How did you tell someone that you were once a monster? Or, that you were a Senshi?
…They were more secrets, things he couldn’t hide forever.
But, if Tobias would wait, Evan could try. Tobias had already whittled away at him.
“…I just hope you know what you’re getting into.”
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Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:43 am
When it came to mood lighteners, there was nothing that was better than a loud, gurgling stomach, and Tobias couldn’t stop the laughter that escaped, even though he tried, covering his mouth with a hand a moment later.
Slowly he got off the bed and pulled the mac and cheese as well as a large spoon from the insulated bag, and two Dr. Peppers from the other, before walking back and taking his seat again, nestling the warm, heavy bowl full of comfort against Evan’s chest.
“Seriously…if it tastes bad I’ll go out and make Zac cook you some more, okay? You know I’m horrible in the kitchen.” He sounded almost worried, though leaned down, rubbing noses with Evan again. “I would move the whole world for you, Evan. I would literally do anything I could if I knew it would make you smile and feel safe. You are the most precious person that I have ever known.”
He gave a soft scoff at Evan’s last words and opened the two sodas, pressing one into the younger male’s hand. “You’ve been warning me since day one, and I’ve told you over and over. You’re worth the risk. I know what I’m getting into. And I’m happily shoving myself in over my head, you’re worth it. To have you by my side is the biggest privilege I have ever known…so thank you. Thank you for loving me.”
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Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:44 am
Evan snorted weakly. “Zac can’t cook. That’s why I always cook everything.”
He made himself more comfortable, propping himself up against Tobias. His arms felt weak, like he’d overexcercised or something. He took a sip of the soda that Tobias had given him, but promptly passed the can into Tobias’ hand for safe keeping.
He hadn’t realized how hungry he was until the mac and cheese was in front of him. The warmth of it was almost as welcoming as the smell, but neither of those things compared to Tobias.
“Tobias,” he said frankly, as he repositioned himself. “I really, really love you. I thought I wanted to be alone, but…”
He breathed a sigh of relief, and even managed a real, honest smile.
“I’m really happy you came over.”
And then, a secondary thought, that had more meaning than just for tonight, “Please don’t leave me.”
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Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:45 am
Tobias snorted, unable to stop a grin from spreading across his face. It was nice to hear Evan trash talk Zac. The b***h deserved it. As his boyfriend drew closer, Tobias lightly draped an arm around him, taking the soda that was pressed back into his hand and sighing, burying his face in Evan’s hair and just breathing him in.
He could stay like this forever. He wanted to stay like this forever.
“You’re my happy place, Evan. Right here with you is where I belong.” The words were soft, but they meant a lot. Took a lot of effort to say, though it might not have seemed like it. “A herd of rampaging bulls couldn’t make me leave you, Evan. You’re stuck with me, and I really, really love you too…and I always will. Forever.”
He had no doubt that his words were the truth. He had never felt so strongly for anything before. He wanted things to stay like this.
Always.
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