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 Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 5:35 pm
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Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 5:44 pm
'Cause I'm stuck in the sunshine riptide
Dancing all alone in the morning light
Warm, sea-salt flavored air danced and swirled around her. For a moment, Bindhi smiled, inhaling the familiar scents that screamed home to her lizard brain. The beach was silent, still and on fire with the colors of the dawning sun. Closing her eyes, she let herself relax completely for the first time in who knew how long.
When her eyes snapped back open, a long absent twinkle reflected somewhere from deep within. The ocean was calling.
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2018 6:19 am
"I really don't want you t'go," Angus' voice sounded helpless and angry over the phone. For a moment, Bindhi felt guilty for choosing to do things over the phone. But if she had, she knew Angus would have found a way to talk her out of her plans. "C'mon, Bin, at least tell me why yer up and scarperin' on me."
A purely internal sigh. She knew he had to be hurting. She was too, but this, like the tattoo removal yesterday was necessary.
"I will come home, you know. I just don't know when. Don't worry so much."
After all, it wasn't like she was ghosting. She was telling Angus she'd be gone for an indeterminate amount of time. But she would come back. Eventually.
Maybe.
"Look, just hold the fort down for me and give the pupper cuddles, okay? Please?"
She heard the soft, angry exhaltion that meant that Angus was close to freezing her out. Hanging on the phone silently, she held her own breath and waited. And after a few moments, she heard his voice return.
"I'd nae do this for anyone else, Bin. Sanny'll be safe and I'll keep the plants alive somehow. But, do me the kindness o'not falling off the face o'the earth, aye? And send me pics of whatever cute lads and lasses y'meet."
Tears began to prickle within Bindhi's eyes. He might not like what she was doing, but he understood. A tiny burbling of warmth spread through her chest as she smiled at the phone and nodded, just as if he could see her.
"I will. I promise, Angus. Talk to you later."
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Posted: Sun Feb 25, 2018 9:43 am
Staggering to the couch of her little rented suite, Bindhi threw herself across it, staring blearily at the clock that seemed to reprimand her for her lateness as it flashed 4AM. Hey, it wasn’t her fault that she’d met up with a group of nice boys and girls who were willing to makeout and provide her with tasty drinks. Okay, so maybe she could have said no, but that would have been rude.
At least I turned down the orgy invite, she thought as she closed her eyes and tried to not feel guilty about all the drinks she’d had.
“Oh, Bellisima, you are in a bad way, aren’t you?” the familiar voice, tinged with sad resignation caused Bindhi’s eyes to fly open as she practically launched herself upright. Sitting on the coffee table, just across from her Bindhi’s astonished eyes was Bianca. Except Bianca was dead and Bindhi, despite believing in starseeds, did not believe in ghosts.
“Jesus ******** Christ on a cupcake, I’ve done lost my damn mind,” she whispered harshly, watching as Bianca arched an eyebrow and then smiled. “You’re dead. I gave Hver your starseed. How are you sitting in my hotel room? Why would you even want to be in my hotel room. I let you die…”
Without warning, Bindhi began to cry, her face crumpling as she watched Bianca reach out towards her, feeling soft fingertips brushing damp hair from her face. The tenderness in the action released something within Bindhi’s chest and she covered her face with her hands, letting grief rain from her eyes.
“Oh, Bellisima, you didn’t let me die. You did your best to save me. And you saved my starseed. So why do you carry so much sadness and grief in your heart? You did all you could.”
“I didn’t keep that sick ******** from hurting you though! I left you alone where he could grab you and hurt you,” Bindhi continued to sob. “I had to act all tough and badass and you paid the price. And then so much happened and Ava dumped me and I miss her and I miss you and I’m so tired.”
Without answering in words, Bianca took Bindhi’s hands, gently twisting her wrists to reveal the ugly scarring that ran the length of her forearms. Then, with her touch remaining soft as featherdown, Bianca traced the lines of the scars.
“Missed me so much you tried to join me, apparently. Arilee, Bindhi, Chariklo. None of what happened to me is your fault. It wasn’t you that killed me. That is all on Bischofite. His choices. His actions. Not yours. You. Saved. Me. Even before the belltower, you saved me.”
Through tear blurred eyes, Bindhi found a little corner of her mind wondering how Bianca knew her new name. Then went right back to wondering how an hallucination could touch her. But the rest of her, including the little part of her heart that knew that if she’d met Bianca before Ava, things would have turned out very differently, wanted to reach out and do a little touching of her own.
Feeling greatly daring, Bindhi carefully reached out both hands to cup Bianca’s face. If she was going crazy, this wasn’t such a bad way to go. And though Bianca’s skin felt cold, it was real and Bindhi couldn’t help the hungry sob as she felt her dearest friend’s face and tried to pull her into a hug. But it was Bianca who held her away and only allowed the smallest of touches.
“Sshh, it’s all right, Bindhi. You’re not crazy or bad or anything of the other terrible things you’ve called yourself lately. But I wouldn’t be a very good friend if I let you wallow in morbid thoughts or wander so close to the edge of oblivion.”
“But are you real? Or am I just hallucinating? I can’t tell and I miss you so much…”
At this, Bindhi watched Bianca smile slowly, her dark eyes twinkling impishly. Then, suddenly, Bianca was sitting beside her with both cold arms around her, leaning in until their foreheads touched.
“Bellisima, you’ve read Harry Potter. You already know the answer already. But consider this, you carry me in your heart, so why can’t I be both a dream and real? You’ve read Terry Pratchett too, I saw the books all over your room. What did he have to say about death?”
Bindhi closed her eyes and thought back, smiling a little at the memory of warm sun and her trying to talk Bianca into reading some of her books.
“That no one is truly dead until the ripples they cause in life fade completely. Or well, I can’t remember the exact words, but I’m close, I think. So, you’re a dream, but it’s okay because… reasons?”
Feeling a little warm thrill as Bianca threw her dark head back and laughed happily, Bindhi felt a little more grief leave and lighten her heart.
“So think, silly. Do you really think I can be gone forever when you remember me so vividly? You’ll never let the ripples I made in life fade. And that’s not counting how you saved my starseed. So. If I don’t blame you for my death, why are you blaming you? Why are you trying so hard to cut yourself off and die yourself? Bellisima, you’re the brightest light I’ve ever met. You live and experience everything so strongly. I miss you too, but I won’t let you waste that light.”
Now Bianca looked stern as she stood and reached out to stroke Bindhi’s hair once more. Then, the stern expression faded to be replaced by a girl’s playful smile.
“Go live, Bellisima. I won’t get to see the sea like we used to talk about, but that doesn’t mean that you should deny yourself those experiences and pleasures. You have other friends and loves who want you to be happy. Just like I do. Now, be a good girl and wake up. The sunrise is beautiful and you shouldn’t miss it.”
At the words ‘wake up’, Bindhi let out a yip of startlement and found herself falling off of the couch where she’d nodded off, flailing arms and legs tangled in the light blanket she’d burrito’d herself in. Blinking her eyes furiously, she managed to see the gentle pink and orange glow of the sunrise seeping in through the room’s blinds. Somehow, she managed to free herself from the blanket and stumbled to the window, yanking on the cord that would open the blinds, bathing in the sunlight as it rose up and covered everything in warmth.
Leaning against the window, she wondered what, exactly had just happened. She’d seen Binaca, had spoken to her, but Bianca was dead and gone. Or… no. No, she wasn’t gone. Not completely.
“Not until those ripples fade away,” Bindhi whispered to herself. After a few more moments thought, she decided that while the whole thing had been a dream, it had been real enough to allow her to release some of the anger and sadness and self hate that she’d been carrying for so long. Not all of it, but enough to allow her to enjoy the sunrise and think of Bianca without the overwhelming sense of guilt.
Enough to enjoy the sunrise.
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