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Name: Claudia Bones

Nickname: Aunt Claudia, Aunt Dia, Sis, Dia

Age: 27

Birthday: December 22

Sign: Capricorn

Gemstone: Ruby

Blood Type: O-

Fav. Food: Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

Hated Food: Anchovies

School: Destiny City University

Hobbies:

Studying About Different Cultures – Dia loves studying about different cultures if only, because, she was born in Egypt. Adopted by her uncle, who was an influential, nationalized American Doctor fighting disease in his home country of Egypt, she lost everything, before she could even remember. Learning about Egypt helps her regain a sense of something that was lost. Studying other countries helps her help other families. She often dresses in Egyptian attire at home.However, if she is helping other people from countries that have just immigrated, she may wear their style of dress to help them feel more comfortable.

Ice Craving – Although she likes hotter temperatures, Dia has taken up Ice Carving, as preferred hobby as it relieves stress time to time. As a technical (technical, as in order, abstract, complex shapes, ie a decahedron, etc.) art form, it allows her to express herself without losing order. She has won several ribbons in a few low-level contests. She has tried to teach Dani, however Dani will have none of it.Although she likes hotter temperatures, Dia has taken up Ice Carving, as preferred hobby as it relieves stress time to time. As a technical art form, it allows her to express herself without losing order. She has won several ribbons in a few low-level contests and has her own standard tool kit. She has tried to teach Dani, however Dani will have none of it. As to why she started it, she first saw it live at a art festival in the small town that she and Dani used to live in. Somehow, something deep was triggered in her spirit and she was enamoured with it now and forever. As for the coldness versus her hot perferences; she seems to know the cold just in a different way than the heat- she prefers the heat on her skin. But she can work with the cold.

Virtues:

Self-Less – Dia has a lot personal goals in her life, but her family comes first. At the age of 23, she was in the middle of her Senior Year of college when fate tore her family apart. Her older niece Dria vanished, and Dria’s twin, and Dia’s nephew Drew had a psychotic break. So, that her brother and her sister-in-law could better care for Drew and search for Dria, Dia took her younger niece, Dani and moved away, becoming Dani’s guardian and second mother. In the process, she sacrificed her own college career, temporarily. Now that the family is back together she is happily attending DCU, finishing her Senior Year (of her Bacchelor year of pre-Med) and preparing for Med School. However, should her family need her again, they need just ask…

Focused – Dia is strongly focused on her personal goals. She wants to be a doctor for WHO (World Health Organization) like her adopted father and go treat the sick in third-world countries, back to her roots. She wants to finish medical school of course, and wants study all different kinds of Medicine she possibly can. She wants to find out what happened to her twin sister… She will most of the time forge on to finish her goals. There are also times when she will help others remain focused on their goals.

Flaws:
Soft-Hearted – Dia values two things higher than anything else, her personal goals, and of course her family. While she works diligently with her personal goals, she will sacrifice anything for her family. This has already been evidenced by the fact that she already has given up her dreams once for them. However, she has gone further than that, her first jobs were in her brother’s big business, even though she wanted something else. There are countless examples throughout her life. However she will also help anyone else she feels is in need at time. She will put their needs over her own. This can negatively affect her and her family in several ways. At times, she has ended on food stamps and her family had to take care her financial needs until she could get back on her feet, because she decided to pay a stranger's hospital bill, who apparently couldn't pay their own, but later this turned out to be inaccurate. Or the fact that she is in therapy and on depression medication because of what happened to her family.

Doesn’t Take Time to Destress – Dia rarely takes time to destress, except with Ice Carving, but that’s only when she can find time to. Between School, her new job at her brother’s new business, family and her soon to be secret ID, she does not have much time for herself. Or finding her twin. Thishas led to health problems, memory problems, and relationship problems. She hasn't been able to have a solid relationship with a potenial significant other in years. Her grades are dropping, due to memory and emotional problems - some times she has to just break stuff. Scary that she was once the guardian of her niece, Dani-from age 6 - 9.

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION

Eyes: Jade, Oval

Hair: Thin Dreadlocks reaching to shoulders, Light brown.

Face: North African Skin Tone, heart-shaped, small nose

Clothes: Destiny City University Uniform

Hiyo Sailor Hawk!

What a fun and interesting character you've got going here! I just have a few things to go over with you before we can get her moving onwards and upwards towards stamp-time! Bear with me, and keep in mind that since this is a non-slot quest some of the things we're discussing will need to be checked (by yourself and also our mod team) when you do acquire a slot for Claudia/Calder in the future - namely whether the Wonder (Calder) are still available at the time of acquisition.

Claudia goes to DCU - can you tell me about her path of studies? Is she attending as an undergrad working on getting her Associates/Bachelors? Or is she there starting on the graduate's path for a Masters? Having this information listed out isn't critical to the profile at all and isn't 100% necessary for stamping, but I suggest filling it in so that your RP partners can learn more about and get a better feel for Claudia OOCly.

Hobbies look like a wonderfully solid frame - I would like to see them fleshed out a bit more so we can understand what ignites Dia's passion. With 'cultural studies', we get to know why and where she started with her interest, but only a vague idea about where she is now with it. What cultures specifically has she become enamoured with? Does she decorate her home with authentic (or inauthentic/inspired) pieces from the places she's learned about? Does she adopt customs/modes of dress/phrases or other lore from these cultures as she learns? For instance, if she learned about how stabbing a pair of chopsticks straight-down into a bowl of rice turns it into a funeral offering not to be eaten, would she then never do that -- and, upon seeing someone else doing that, inform them of their faux-pas?

With her 'ice-carving' - does she use a chainsaw like those really wild carvers? Or a more standard tool kit? What sort of shapes/things does she generally end up carving - bears? Abstracts? Unicorns? Portraits? While artists will vary their subject matter, many often return to a theme over and over again when they aren't specifically inspired - what is that theme for Dia? How did Dia get into ice carving in the first place, being such a sun-loving person? Did she just adore that scene from Edward Scissorhands? See a really cool video on Youtube? Go to a winter fair or event and see ice carving being done live and become enamoured? What was her catalyst for starting this hobby in the first place?

For the 'family first' virtue, I suggest changing it to 'selfless' so that it reads as a general virtue and is applicable in more than one area of her life - so that Dia puts the needs of others before herself, most especially her family's needs - rather than it reading as she only puts the needs of her family first (when I believe that is not your intent here).

I also suggest changing 'personal goals' to 'focused' for a similar reason. The meat of the virtue would need to be re-written only slightly to include how she's strongly focused on attaining her personal goals, but otherwise could remain the same.

With Dia's flaws, 'too self-sacrificing' doesn't read quite like a flaw - she delayed pursuing her dream to assist her family, yes, but she didn't give it up. Many people do that in their lives - it's not really a character flaw as it only temporarily negatively affects the person. Now, being too selfless can be a flaw if it detrementally affects the character's health (mental, physical, or emotional). This also seems to be an extremely focused flaw - so my suggestion is to broaden it (perhaps 'soft-hearted'?) and expand upon how she can't resist helping someone in need, how that affects her daily life, the stress/strain it puts on her mind/body/etc -- on her family relations (past/present) etc.

Her lack of 'self-care' is a beautiful - and dangerous - flaw for someone like Dia to have. I cannot wait to see how much trouble it gets her into. You may want to use present tense with this one though, not 'it could lead' but it 'does lead' to problems and maybe include how she's had to deal with such things -- or does she deal with them at all? Does she just blow up at people finally? does she go to one of those places where you can purchase things to break in a private room until you feel better? Therapy? Medication?

For the powered side, Calder is currently available at the time of this critique's post and is a viable Wonder. The challenge looks great and the costume seems to be acceptable for a Mercury knight.

The weapon progression is okay, though I must stress that Knight weapons must be non-lethal, so it's really a good thing that you called out that the chisel has been blunted. The biggest thing is that the magic needs a bit of reworking - you currently have it set up to work the way that senshi magic works (with a range, AOE, and duration) but that's not how Knight magic operates.

Knights have a 'pool' of magic they can draw upon until it's been used. Instead of a foam dart gun with 3 loaded foam darts as the only shots you get (senshi), knights are more like water guns - you can fire as long as your tank is full. You'll also want to make sure that Calder's magic suits the Mercury knight sphere(s), reflecting either intelligence or technology. What you have does that a bit already, what with seeming to interrupt the target's ability to form intelligent thought, but you'll really want to refine and clarify this.

As a general rule, a Squire utilizing an offense/attack type magic will have a pool of magic that gives him a total time of around 25 seconds. Defense/warding magic pools are slightly larger, hitting around 30 seconds. At the Knight stage, these pools increase, with offense/attack magic being around a total of 45 seconds, and the defense/warding magic up to 60 seconds. Knights can split these castings any way they like.

For example a squire with an attack magic pool of 25 seconds max can cast once for 3 seconds, then 10, 10 again, and then 2 seconds - as long as the total time cast in the current battle thread does not exceed their magic pool.

The suggestions I've made for Claudia are just that - suggestions. You don't have to take them precisely as I've lain them out - however, the issues I've pointed out will need to be corrected before we can get him stamped properly! Please feel free to quote me when you're ready to have me come back around for another look.

I hope my input is helpful to you!
-Sy

Sailor Hawk,

You are very welcome! I am sorry for the long delay in getting to your quest for critique, but it is an honor and a pleasure to assist you. Knight quests are definitely a different beast from Senshi quests, that's for certain!

Dia's civ side is perfect! Je approve~ Now we just need to get Calder set nicely, which will be no trouble at all. :3 I may bullet point things out just for clarity sake, rather than using full sentences, as it makes more sense in some places to do so.

+ Knight weapons cannot be lethal - a blunted chisel is perfectly fine, but a non-blunted one would not be. Thus, Calder's chisel (blunted) is A-O.K. [approved weapon]

+ Knight magic works like a countdown timer. They start with X amount of time (per stage) and can cast their magic as often as they like until the timer reaches 0.
So, if your Squire has a 30 second pool of magic to draw from, they can cast once for 30 seconds. Or they can break it up into shorter amounts of time, as long as the total time the magic is active adds to 30 seconds.

For example, Calder is in battle against Captain NPCite and Sailor Meat Shield:
+ Calder casts once against Sailor Meat Shield for 10 seconds, knocking them out.
+ Calder then casts against NPCite for 10 seconds, but is interrupted. NPCite summons a youma.
+ Calder can still cast from her magic pool. (10 + 10 = 20 | 30 - 20 = 10)
+ Calder decides to dust the youma b/c those guys are horrible and NPCite looks like a good punching bag. Calder uses all 10 seconds left of her magic pool to dust the youma.
Calder now has a magic pool of 0 seconds and can no longer cast for this battle
Punching ensues.

With Calder's magic itself - what does this magic do to the target beyond make a sound? What is the mental effect? Does it cause a piercing headache that interrupts the target's ability to form intelligent thoughts? Does it put a sort of 'stun' effect on their brain's higher functions (a la intelligent brain Vs. animal/lizard brain)?
+ What you've given is the "visual/aural" effect - now we need to know what the magic does.

Suggested Squire Magic Pool: 35 seconds total
Suggested Knight Magic Pool: 45 seconds total

With the Wonder-lore, you'll want to send that information into the mule account for approval~ If you'd like to share it and have me take a look I would be happy to do so! :3

As before, feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns you might have - here, PM, or Discord if you like - and I'll do my best to address them in a timely manner!
-Sy

Hawk,

That actually sounds like really fun lore~ :3

If you change "time span" to "magic pool" I can go ahead and stamp Calder!

-Sy

My friend, I think we have reached the acme of this profile. Everything looks good to me...so Imma just leave this here~


A GM will be by to do a final check and stamping!

Once again, I must remind you that although the Wonder [Calder] is currently open, it may not be at the time you acquire a slot so you will need to double-check that! Otherwise, have fun and I can't wait to see another of the Bones clan in Destiny City!

Regards,
-Sy