Backdated to mid-December 2017
He could already feel his heart breaking, but he’d made up his mind that this needed to happen. The sooner he did this, the safer Adrien would be. In theory. There was no guarantee. There never was. But he could at least remove himself from the chance at Wolfeite forcing his hand, whether to test him or because he didn’t want anyone else to be more important in Yuuri’s life.
And Adrien needed someone who could be there for him and take care of him. Yuuri didn’t feel like he was capable of that, not when he felt like he needed to be taken care of, if only because he had no idea what he was doing.
Yuuri didn’t expect Adrien to take this well. He didn’t know how he would be able to keep up the resolve to go through with it, knowing he was hurting Adrien. The first person to show him any kind of kindness beyond social niceties.
“Adrien,” he said quietly when the other opened the door to his apartment. Yuuri knew he couldn’t hide the distress on his face or in his eyes, so he lowered them.
It was difficult to get the first word out. He gaped soundlessly for a few moments, before finally forcing out, “I need to talk to you about something.”
He was, of course, utterly delighted to see his boyfriend.
But it was a confusing thing to have Yuuri knock. This was, after all, their shared apartment; Yuuri didn’t need to knock, he could have just come in. But he still received a bright, cheerful smile that was always there whenever he saw Yuuri, Adrien instinctively wanting to reach out a hand and grasp ahold of Yuuri’s to pull him in for a kiss.
Except he stopped at the look on Yuuri’s face, Adrien’s fingers freezing mid movement, the smile slipping from his face.
“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” he asked, wondering if something had happened. Or if he’d done something dumb again. Or if he’d somehow forgotten an important date again like an anniversary or Yuuri’s birthday or his own birthday or a concert or some school event that had been something he was supposed to have gone to.
Adrien’s fingers stretched out once more, brushing against Yuuri’s wrist.
“Come inside and talk to me, it’ll be all right.” He tried for an encouraging smile, tugging.
“It’ll be fine.”
It’ll be fine.
Somehow Yuuri didn’t think this would be fine. In the history of things that are fine, this was definitely not even close. He was usually so glad to see Adrien and his bright smile, but now it was just painful.
It wa for Adrien’s safety, he reminded himself. He couldn’t exactly tell him that he was afraid his General might find out about Adrien and decide to do something horrible. The wolf was possessive, if the scar on Yuuri’s neck said anything, and demanding, and terrifying, and Yuuri wouldn’t be able to disobey an order. So he would make sure it didn’t come to that.
He took the few steps into the apartment and carefully shut the door behind him. His shoes were slowly removed as he glanced around, spotting a few of his own belongings laying around that he knew he would need to collect. Even though he spent most of his time in the dorms now that the school year has started, he had lived with Adrien over the summer, helping him with his salon below.
“Sit with me?” he asked quietly, swallowing thickly as he turned his hand to take hold of Adrien’s that brushed against his wrist, tugging him gently towards the couch.
His hands were already shaking. He didn’t know how he was going to manage this.
Adrien had a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach that he didn’t want to think about. It was starting to eat away at him, an anxious feeling that was curling around his heart and expanding outwards through his chest. He didn’t know what it meant; didn’t know if he wanted to uncover the real meaning, his fingers wrapping around Yuuri’s in an instinctive, plaintive gesture.
Don’t do this. Whatever it is, don’t do it.
Don’t say it.
He was afraid. He didn’t like to be afraid, but the fear was there, icy and rising in his throat, and he couldn’t stop it, because the lurking numbness was always there, always on the edge of his mind; a terrible knowledge that things would not be happy forever, because he was Adrien Davids, and nothing ever lasted for forever.
Adrien sat, tugging Yuuri close. He tried for some semblance of his normal smile.
“What’s up, sweetheart?” His free hand rose, brushed stray hair aside. “What’s wrong?”
Don’t say it.
Adrien knew. Yuuri could tell in the way he gripped at his hand, the slight wavering of his normally bright smile. How was he supposed to do this and break Adrien’s heart?
He felt sick. He didn’t want to do this. And part of him wanted to back out, to say nevermind and that he was just having a bad day.
Sharp, golden eyes pierced through his thoughts, the heavy reminded that no matter what happened, there was the threat of Wolfeite finding out. Of hurting Adrien.
He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Instead he gaped wordlessly, the color draining from his face as his hands trembled. His free hand was lifted to his chest, pressed over the rapid pulse of his heart.
“We… I mean… I…” he stumbled, trying to keep himself together and failing. “I just… thinking about… I’ll have to leave in two years anyway… so it’s not fair to you… and I…”
This was stupid. He was a grown man and he should be able to break with the man he thought he might love, especially if it was to protect him.
He couldn’t breathe.
“I want to break up.”
The world came to a screeching, horrible, mind numbing stop.
I want to break up.
He’d known it was coming. He’d known that this would happen sooner or later, that Yuuri would eventually grow tired of him the same way everyone else had. He knew that things were always temporary, because nothing and no one had ever lasted; no one had been able to withstand the test of time, to be able to deal with Adrien’s constant and ever changing mood swings, his high functioning, intense mind, his extravagance, his spending.
His ADHD. His easy confusion.
You’re too much for me.
I can’t handle you.
I don’t want to have to deal with you anymore.
But he had thought - hoped - believed - hoped - that it was different this time, because Yuuri was different. Because Yuuri was kinder, sweeter, gentler; he was a beautiful hearted, beautiful minded, beautiful faced person in a place that held little beauty anymore. He was everything that Adrien was not, with his too cluttered mind and his inconsistencies, and that was why he had hoped - naively believed - that things were going to change.
The color in Adrien’s face had drained almost entirely now. Yuuri was stammering, looking sick, and he was still saying something, and Adrien couldn’t hear past the rushing in his ears, the reminder that everything was suddenly crashing and burning around him.
Slowly, his hand slid away from Yuuri’s and curled together in his lap.
Why does this keep happening to me?
“Why?”
It was a single word spoken, lacking any of Adrien’s usual panicky, fast minded frustration. He was staring at Yuuri with wide eyes, but his expression was calm. Blank.
Don’t do this to me.
He knew this would be difficult, but he didn’t realize how difficult until he felt Adrien’s hand pulling away from his, the loss of it making his heart come to a stop.
Now, without Adrien’s hand to hold his steady, Yuuri used both to clutch tightly to the sweater he wore, over his chest.
He couldn’t breathe.
Adrien was asking him why and all Yuuri could do was stare at the man sitting beside him in disbelief. Why? Because he cared about him. Because he didn’t want him to be in danger. Because he didn’t want this bright, wonderful man to get hurt, or to see Yuuri hurt, or to have to worry about Yuuri and all the things he got caught up in because of the Negaverse.
“It’s just… too much right now,” Yuuri tried, his breath coming unevenly. “Trying to… keep up with classes… I’ve already neglected you. And… I need to focus on myself. And what I’m going to do when I graduate. I… will have to go back to Japan soon. This… this isn’t easy, Adrien… please… you have to believe me. I don’t… I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have…”
Everything was collapsing around him, and yet the world kept turning.
It felt like it had stopped. It felt like everything was crashing and burning and the world should have stopped, but Adrien knew it hadn’t, because he could still hear the cars going past outside the window, could still hear the faint noises from downstairs, could still hear the distant chatter of voices from the sidewalk as people went on with their daily lives, and every passing second was another second where Adrien’s world had shattered around him.
I thought you of all people were different.
I thought you cared.
I thought you knew.
I thought you loved me as much as I love you.
He was wrong, on all counts. It felt like a slap in the face and yet it simultaneously felt like he should have expected this all along. After all, Adrien was the one who had allowed himself to get to this point. He’d been the one to get in over his head, as he always did, let himself be drowned in his overwhelming feelings, as he always let himself do, until he was submerged and there was no room for breathing anymore.
It’s just too much right now.
It was so painful it took his breath away, Adrien’s intake of air sharp and furious in his throat. His head snapped up to stare at Yuuri, eyes wide with shock, and red was beginning to suffuse his cheeks, burning across his pale skin as a flush of humiliated hurt and betrayal etched its way over his expression.
He couldn’t hear past the rest of that sentence, or the rushing in his ears.
“Fine,” he said, biting out the word; it felt ripped from his throat, Adrien pushing himself off of the couch and stumbling to his feet. “Fine. That’s fine. You know what, that’s fine. It’s all fine, you’re breaking up with me, I’m too much, I get it, I get it - “
I thought you were different.
“Fine. Then if that’s all - “
Adrien couldn’t speak. He staggered towards the kitchen and began opening cupboards.
This was what he’d wanted. He’d wanted to break up with Adrien, to keep him out of harm's’ way. He knew it would be painful, he knew Adrien would be upset…
But he hadn’t expected him to react like this. Adrien, who was always so warm and cheerful, suddenly cold and distant. Yuuri felt as though he would never breathe again. He thought he might have had to convince Adrien that he really did want to break up with him but--
Was there something he’d been doing to cause Adrien to think so poorly of him that he would be furious and look as betrayed as he probably felt?
Fine.
Shakily, Yuuri rose to his feet, doing his best to keep his composure at least until he’d finished collecting his things. There was still one of his suitcases in the closet, while the others had been used to transport the rest of the things he owned to his dorm. He knew he should go there first, so he did. It was just following through with the movements of walking, reaching the closet, opening the door, pulling his bag out. Everything else felt like a haze that had fallen over him.
He wanted to tell Adrien that he was wrong. That it wasn’t him who was too much, but… no… this was good. Adrien would want to stay away from him. Yuuri had foolishly hoped that maybe they could still be friends, but after Adrien’s reaction, it was pretty clear that he had no intention of being Yuuri’s friend.
Items were quickly picked up and tossed into the case. He made sure to leave the clothes that Adrien let him borrow to wear. He stumbled his way to the bathroom to take his extra contact case… and the extra toothbrush.
He was going to be sick… he could feel himself collapsing. Maybe not physically, since he was still going about collecting his things, but emotionally… psychologically…
“Take care of yourself, Adrien,” he was barely able to choke out as he finished picking up what he needed and reached the door. He opened his mouth to maybe say one more thing but… he couldn’t. He couldn’t even look at Adrien, otherwise he might be tempted to tell him it was all a lie, that he changed his mind, that he didn’t want to leave him.
No, he needed to do this… He needed to leave.
He could hear, through the haze of emotions he was trying desperately to tamp down on, the sound of Yuuri moving throughout the loft. The sounds of things being picked up, the click of the bathroom door opening, the soft tread of footsteps that had grown so familiar over the last few months that Adrien wasn’t entirely sure how he’d managed to live before them.
It was his own fault. He’d let himself get to this point. He’d let himself think that things would be different, that things were somehow special, that things would somehow work out in the end. Adrien had been the one to push things to this point, and it was his own damn fault that they were now falling apart. His fingers fumbled in the cabinets, pulling random dishes from shelves, setting cups down, coffee mugs, organizing them in a haphazard, unconscious way, just needing something to do with his hands, because otherwise he was going to fall apart.
He was already falling apart.
Take care of yourself, Adrien.
He closed his eyes.
Don’t go.
Don’t do this.
Don’t leave me alone.
He said nothing. There was nothing to be said, or done, or thought, except -
It’s over.
Outside, a breeze stirred the trees, a quiet rustling sound, and golden eyes lifted to watch the building’s front, glowing slightly.
And that was that. It was all over. Adrien would move on, find someone more worthy than someone like Yuuri who would make him happy, who would be able to do all the things Yuuri’s anxiety wouldn’t allow. Adrien could have an exciting life again, to go to clubs and concerts and out in public, and not have to worry about Yuuri freaking out or having a breakdown or being an embarrassment. It would be better this way. It had to be.
And Adrien would be safer the farther he was from Yuuri and the Negaverse.
Numbly, Yuuri crossed the threshold to leave Adrien’s apartment for the last time, pulling his small suitcase behind him. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. He could barely see where he was going, his eyes filling with tears he couldn’t stop. Yuuri had known from the beginning that this would end, either with him leaving once he graduated, or because Adrien would tire of him and his issues. He never thought he would be the one to end things, but the more he delved into the negaverse, the more he knew he would have to put distance between himself and Adrien.
Yuuri swore to himself he would be okay. He had the negaverse and his Pack. He knew that Adrien being removed from being so close to that danger would save him in the end.
What he hadn’t expected was how easy it had been for Adrien to let him go. He hadn’t argued, hadn’t questioned it. Hadn’t assumed this was some horrible joke that couldn’t possibly be real.
Other than the thought of Adrien being heartbroken, that was probably the most distressing. And it was selfish, Yuuri knew. It was selfish to think that maybe he would have been worth fighting for. He’d been prepared for a fight. He’d been ready to stand his ground and insist that they needed to part ways. Not this simple... acceptance.
Fine.
