He felt sick.

He wasn’t actually sick. There was no fever, no stuffy nose, no outward symptoms that someone would be able to look at him and want to suggest that he visit a doctor. No, he felt sick because there was something he needed to do and he didn’t know if he could survive doing it.

His stomach churned uncomfortably at the thought, and Yuuri groaned miserably as he shifted to turn on his side, the dorm room bed creaking in protest.

How was he supposed to explain himself? How was he supposed to give up something that he’d latched onto so quickly and so readily without even knowing what he was feeling, and exchange it for the uncertainty of the future? There was no guarantee in anything; of this he was painfully aware.

He always knew this would come to an end, but he didn’t think it would be so soon. He’d thought maybe it could last until his Visa ran out and he was forced to leave the country. Or until he could no longer be tolerated as a person, his constant anxiousness being too much to handle.

He still didn’t know if he was in this mess because he was weak willed, or because he didn’t understand himself, or because he didn’t understand others well enough to be able to make his own decisions. To recognize intent and to figure out what would be best for him.

Yuuri loved Adrien. He loved his smile and the way he flitted about. He felt light and fluttery when he saw him and thought of him. He loved that Adrien thought Yuuri was… beautiful, he’d said. He called him things like lovely, and darling, and spoke sweetly to him. Adrien had been the first person to make him feel like he was worth something, and that feeling of attachment hadn’t changed.

Adrien was excitable and easily distracted, and also in need of someone who could be there to take care of him, to indulge him in his whimsical nature, but to also know when to help him settle down and focus on the important things. Adrien had been the first person to kiss him, to go out of his way for him, to offer his home when Yuuri had nowhere else to go. He was kind and attractive and many people enjoyed his company, otherwise why else would his salon be so successful?

Selfishly, Yuuri enjoyed that Adrien doted on him. He enjoyed seeing his things around Adrien’s apartment above his salon. It made him feel like he belonged to something, to someone. It made him feel as though he had a home. He liked feeling happy. Around Adrien, although it was rare, Yuuri found himself smiling.

Content. At peace.

Until the glow of yellow eyes and flash of teeth pulled him from his sleep, terror rippling through him. The thought of Wolfeite finding out about Adrien, the thought of him being possessive and controlling enough to want to hurt him, or worse… that was something Yuuri didn’t think he could live with. The risk he was taking just being around Adrien was too much.

Seeing the fresh bite mark on Yuuri’s neck had been received with just as much worry and concern as Yuuri would have expected from his normally sunshiney boyfriend. Yuuri had tried his best to hide it from him, to keep the bandages hidden beneath the collar of his shirts and sweaters, but a touch and hiss of pain had alerted Adrien that something was wrong.

I was mugged, he’d lied. Someone bit me. I didn’t see them.

Adrien didn’t believe him. Yuuri could see it in his sad blue eyes. The placement had been purposeful. The mark itself as well. The wound had been treated in a way that would guarantee a scar, and Yuuri had no choice but to allow it. Yuuri had practically given permission for it to happen.

Wolfeite was his General. There was no escape from the Negaverse, nor did he really want to escape. Belonging to the Negaverse, to his Pack, was just as important to him as being with Adrien.

Except that being with Adrien threatened Adrien and Adrien’s life.

He knew his boyfriend worried about him. He knew it concerned him that he was often out at night, and just as often came back looking roughed up. Whatever he thought about it, Yuuri was too afraid to ask. It was one of the reasons Yuuri, although he’d enjoyed his time living with Adrien during the summer, had chosen to go back to a dorm for the school year. He’d told Adrien it was so he could keep up with his school work, and that wasn’t a lie.

But he also didn’t want to worry him when he needed to go and do things for the Negaverse.

Yuuri pushed himself up on his bed as quietly as he could manage, hoping that sitting up would stop the sudden wave of anxiety that pulsed through him, his heart rate spiking without warning. His psychology professor, a class he was taking only because it was required for general education, had suggested he see someone about his anxiety, that there was medication he could take to try to keep it in check.

He knew he probably should, but that also required money, and while his family had money, he did not. Contacting them and telling them he needed to pay for medicine for something they didn’t believe existed and was just in his head was… a miserable thought.

Pressing a hand to his chest, Yuuri reached out with his other to pull his pillow up behind his lower back, tugging at the blankets on the bed until he could cover himself once more as he sat up against the wall. He wouldn’t be able to sleep sitting up like this, but he also wouldn’t be able to sleep with his heart racing the way it was.

He was glad Adrien couldn’t see him like this. He didn’t want to worry him. He wouldn’t have wanted to wake him up. It had been difficult when he’d had these sudden spikes of anxiety while at Adrien’s apartment, and often slipped out of bed and down the loft steps with a mumbled excuse about needing to use the bathroom.

He would then sit on the cold bathroom floor, or in the empty tub, until he could shock himself into calming down. He’d always locked the door, not wanting Adrien to see him like that. He was lucky that Adrien often quickly fell back asleep if Yuuri’s movements did manage to rouse him.

Yuuri knew that things wouldn’t get any better. He knew he would continue having nightmares of everything he’d seen, of those bright yellow eyes, of fangs, of growling and the vivid purple of the Rift. His starseed had been corrupted and when he was not a civilian there were holes in his chest and forehead; a direct result of the Negaverse consuming his life.

And when he got hurt, not if, he considered every possibility he could to avoid letting Adrien see.

There was a scar on his ankle from when he’d fallen and gotten caught in the rusting, cast iron fence. He’d been rescued and cared for by Lauri, who not only had reasonable medical training, but had offered him a place to stay for the night.

It had been more of a relief than Yuuri thought possible. He could have called Adrien to pick him up, but the thought of stressing his already concerned boyfriend was too much. He didn’t want Adrien to see him like that; injured and miserable. Not when Adrien had enough to worry about.

Now he knew Lauri was also Aue, also one of Wolfeite’s recruits, and was thus part of the Pack. Yuuri never thought he would feel like he belonged to something, much less actually be part of something bigger than himself, where it might actually matter if he grew stronger or not.

Happiness was one thing, but purpose was another.

He could love Adrien, be happy with him, feel comfortable, as much as Yuuri was capable, around him…

But he would never feel as though Adrien was safe.

And he knew that the Negaverse would always come first.

That was his life now. Adrien was a beautiful reprieve for his lonely, miserable heart, but the Negaverse owned his soul. If ordered, Yuuri feared he wouldn’t have the capacity to refuse, even if he wanted to. If he was made to hurt or kill Adrien, he would never be able to forgive himself.

Yuuri squeezed his eyes shut against the tears that had welled up, but he couldn’t stop them from escaping. They streaked his cheeks as he clutched at his chest and pounding heart, and the blanket over his pulled up legs, back pressed against the cool surface of the painted cement block wall.

He felt sick.

He knew what he had to do. Not just for himself, but for Adrien too. Adrien might never understand. Adrien might end up hating him, or thinking there was something wrong with him when Yuuri didn’t think that at all.

All he could hope was that Adrien was resilient enough to bounce back from this, to be able to let him go before anyone got hurt.

All he could hope was that he would be resilient enough to survive breaking away from the only part of his life that made him happy.



Word count: 1586