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 Posted: Sat Nov 25, 2017 6:00 am
All of this was an overwhelming rush of desire and need and frustration and everything that Lev had felt for Seth over the years, ever since they were just boys, even. While it was not always a physical desire, there was still that longing to be with him in some capacity, and Lev had thought that getting married meant that they would have the rest of their lives to figure out the rest of it.
Even now he was thinking about how this would affect the rest of their lives. Could this make things worse? Maybe better? Maybe there was a chance for them to take back everything that they’d had before and start over? It didn’t seem like a possibility but maybe, just maybe.
Lev could feel the way Seth was moving beneath him, because while he was a couple inches shorter than him now, and despite the comments Lev had made about Seth being skinny, he had his own strength that Lev had seen time and time again over the years. He felt Seth’s hands reaching, pulling, and finally yanking Lev’s shirt up and over his head and shoulders.
And Lev froze, because the necklace that he wore was such a part of him that he’d forgotten that it might be questioned if Seth saw it. On a thin, silver chain around his neck, a black and silver ring hung, swinging with the motion of having the shirt pulled off.
He couldn’t throw it away. He’d thought about it after he found out that Seth was still alive and well and living it up, but he couldn’t. He was still in love with this man, after all. Even if nothing would ever be the same.
------------------------------------------------------------
He had a desperate, almost overwhelming urge for more that was driving him forward, Seth’s face flushed, his hair a tangled mess from where Lev’s fingers had driven through it. He had never felt less in control of himself, had never felt as unsteady and confused and flustered and needy as he did now. Never in his life, with any of his other partners, had there been this much longing or uncertainty, an overwhelming drive to be closer pulling Seth forward.
He needed to see, to touch, to feel, to lose himself in this, because if he let himself think too much about it, if he let himself be sane, he wouldn’t have this anymore. He wouldn’t have this one singular chance, this single night they could have together.
Even if it didn’t mean what he wanted it to mean.
Seth managed to get his hands under Lev’s shirt, grasping the hem and then it was off, all broad, lightly tanned skin and muscular chest open to his eyes and -
-and on Lev’s neck, a silver chain with a black and silver wedding band.
Seth stared at it, his eyes wide, frozen in place the same way that Lev was frozen, lips parted in shock. His gaze moved up to Lev’s face, his own cheeks suffused with red, a steady flush growing deeper and deeper as he tried to figure out what this meant, what this meant.
A hand reached out, and Seth’s slightly shaking fingers brushed the ring, let it feel the skin warmed metal.
”Вы его сохранили,” he said, voice barely above a whisper.
------------------------------------------------------------
Lev stayed frozen for a long time, his hands balancing himself over Seth’s body, his knees resting on either side of his hips, watching as Seth’s trembling fingers barely touched the ring that hung from around his neck, and watched as the red in Seth’s cheeks darkened with each moment that passed.
It was… incredibly endearing to see him like this, to see him completely out of his element because Lev knew how rarely Seth let his walls down, let anyone see anything aside from confidence. It had always been like that. They fed off each other’s confidence and energy, showing a pretty smile to other people, when really they might not have felt confident at all.
But it wasn’t just about how they felt, but how they presented themselves, always. Only behind closed doors did Seth ever let go of that oft kept facade.
Like now, as he looked up at Lev with wide eyes and parted lips, barely whispering the words that had Lev’s face darkening.
Of course he saved it. He cared deeply for Seth, in spite of everything. How could he get rid of something that symbolized how they were bound together? How could he rid himself of something that showed physical proof that he was once part of something greater? That they were once ready to take on everything. Together.
“Ты была моей родственная душа, Kolya,” he said, just as quietly, the words catching a little.
It seemed like such a long time ago that they’d laughed about that, about how it was so crazy to be bound to someone so perfectly that they would make one whole, but even though Lev laughed about it back then, he never stopped believing that this had to be true for the both of them.
------------------------------------------------------------
The moment ached.
Everything about it was painful, from the way that Lev looked at him, to the way that Lev touched him, to the way that he held himself still as Seth stared at the ring, to the soft, barely audible cadence of his voice. It was the only sound in the room, other than his labored breathing and the erratic beat of his heart, Seth’s hand still hovering above the ring, barely touching it.
The words hurt, too, because it was past tense. It was over, something that had once been, something that couldn’t ever be again. The weight of them felt like a physical thing on his chest, Seth sucking in a sharp breath, and his gaze rose to meet Lev’s, something painful flickering across his face.
His hand rose of its own accord, palm coming to rest against Lev’s cheek, Seth’s other hand being used to prop himself up so that he was half sitting, his eyes tracing the lines of Lev’s face. His fingers smoothed along the rough jawline, then a thumb gently skimmed over Lev’s lower lip before Seth’s hand moved lower, sweeping down the side of Lev’s neck, over the hollow of his throat, his collarbone, until it reached the necklace again. He touched it, briefly, and then let his hand travel up again in an achingly tender touch, barely there, fingers against Lev’s jaw as he looked at him, their faces mere inches apart.
”Ты был моим,” he whispered, and his heart was being smothered in his chest, Seth’s eyes half-lidded, the agony of this eating him away.
He’d ruined it. He’d broken it. He couldn’t get it back. There was too much anger and too much frustration and too much pain left between them to make it work again.
”Ты был моим, Lyova,” he said again, and his voice broke, Seth’s forehead coming to rest against Lev’s, the words spilling out, over and over again, because he couldn’t fix this anymore.
”Прости. Прости. Прости.”
------------------------------------------------------------
His eyes closed at the touch of Seth’s palm against his cheek, feeling the ache of his heart, and the ache of Seth’s heart, filling the space between them. Whatever it was that happened that caused Seth to leave, Lev wasn’t sure if he’d ever know. Seth said it hadn’t been anything Lev had done. Then was it something he hadn’t done? Was there something else that caused all this to shatter around them?
As Seth’s hand moved down his jaw, Lev opened his eyes again, watching Seth’s expression as he touched him, allowing him to do as he wished with him, feeling the way his fingers moved down his neck and throat and collarbone and the necklace.
He could see the pain in Seth’s expression. The guilt, the regret. Everything about him burning, aching. And while Lev still had that lasting frustration deep inside him, his heart also ached because he couldn’t stand Seth looking like this. He couldn’t stand him being upset, even though part of him felt as though he deserved it for leaving in the first place.
But no, that was just his frustration speaking, because he really did believe what he’d said. At one point in time, they were soulmates. And then that was broken.
The words were just as painful as the expression on Seth’s face, and as he leaned his forehead against his, Lev lifted his hand to smooth back Seth’s hair, fingers dipping down to massage the back of his neck. And then to the collar of his shirt, under which he saw the chain before.
And maybe. Just maybe…
Lev gently pushed the collar out of the way and pulled at the chain, tugging it out of Seth’s shirt so that it, and the ring attached, rested against his chest, parallel to the one around Lev’s neck.
“Почему ты оставил меня, Kolya?” he asked, similar to what he’d asked before, but now… now there wasn’t much Seth had to hide behind. Lev’s fingers traced the line of the necklace down to the warm metal of the ring that Seth wore, matching his own.
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His hand moved slightly against Lev’s jaw, foreheads still pressed together, Seth’s eyes dipped because he couldn’t look at Lev, couldn’t bear to see whatever expression was there. Everything about this moment felt fragile and so easily breakable that he almost didn’t dare to breathe; and facing the truth of his own actions was a terrifying, dangerous thing for so many reasons.
Lev’s touch against his hair was achingly sweet. Seth felt the shiver of it all the way from the top of his head and down his spine to the tips of his toes, his head tilting into the touch instinctively, the flush deepening as Lev’s fingers brushed his neck. He had closed his eyes to just - feel it, to let himself indulge in this one, small thing, to allow himself this one last thing.
His hand had shifted lower, pushing the neckline of Seth’s oversized sweater out of the way so that it fell over a shoulder, and then, before he could stop it, before he could do anything more than jerk his head up, lips parting in a desperate attempt at speaking words that didn’t come, Lev’s hand pulled out the necklace.
It was there, right in front of them both; physical proof that he couldn’t deny. Seth stared at it, his chest rising and falling rapidly, and the panic was rising, the same slightly maniacal, frustrated panic that had been there earlier, explanation after excuse after explanation coursing through his mind, tumbling over one another.
He’d never taken it off. In the two years since he’d slid the ring from his finger and looped the chain around his neck, he had never taken it off, not even to shower. It had been his source of comfort, his source of strength all these years - and a reminder of what he had once had and what he had broken.
”Я был недостаточно хорош!”
The words burst out of him before he could stop them. Seth’s head was turned to the side, his body shaking, and he couldn’t stop them now.
“I vas not good enough, not for you, not for anything, I could not - I could not stay, I could not let you down - “
It was hard to breathe. Seth’s breathing was very fast.
“I vas never good enough.”
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I was not good enough!
Lev stared, his fingers still brushing against the ring that hung from Seth’s neck, his face heating not out of embarrassment, but out of frustration.
He could see the pain in Seth’s eyes, the panic in his expression, the same frenzied look from before. And at this very moment, Lev didn’t blame him for reacting that way, because Lev wasn’t exactly sitting there listening as patiently as he probably should.
“You vere not… good enough,” he repeated slowly, as if he was having a difficult time figuring out what Seth meant. Because he was having a difficult time understanding. How could he decide that? How could he choose that he was not good enough and then leave Lev alone, without a word, without looking back.
“You vere not good enough,” he repeated once more, his teeth gritting together as frustration mounted, Lev’s chest working as he tried to draw in settling breaths that weren’t accomplishing anything.
“That vas vhy you left. Because you vere not good enough.”
It was absolutely insane. How did that make any sense? Why did he think that he wasn’t good enough? What did Lev do to make him think that? And Seth had even said it wasn’t Lev’s fault, so why?
“Трахать тебя,” Lev snarled before he could stop himself, the past few minutes seeming as though they were too good to be true. Everything between them was too tense to work, he reminded himself. That was why they were in this situation in the first place.
“You had no right to decide that! You do not get to choose if you are good enough or not!” he hissed, pushing himself away from Seth so he could snatch back his shirt and slide off the bed.
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He could tell the moment it all began to unravel.
The tone of Lev’s voice was flat, the warmth gone, and Seth felt the stirrings of panic, of desperation to catch onto it before it was gone start to surge again - but it was too late, and he knew it. He had finally, for once in his life, told the truth, and it had been the wrong ******** you.
The anger in Lev’s voice was like a slap to the face. Seth stared up at him as he shoved away, the loss of his body and his heart and his presence shattering something deep inside of himself. He pushed himself up as well, the frustration welling, building into an anger and a hurt that stabbed at him. The betrayal was a reversal this time; Seth had been the one to betray Lev the last time, and now it was the other way around, because Seth had opened himself up, at last, and it had not been good enough for Lev.
He had never, really, been good enough.
He rolled over, shoving the covers out of the way, Seth stumbling out of the bed on the opposite side of where Lev stood, pushing his hair out of his face as he whirled around to face him, his chest heaving. Mottled patches of red were on his face, a stain of humiliation and outrage that scorched everything that had been good inside of himself.
“You do not get to tell me that!” he snapped, Seth’s voice hoarse, the fury clogging his throat. “You do not get to preach about what I believe or what I feel. You know nothing about what I felt, or what I feel now, you cannot tell me that I do not get to make choices about my own self!”
The self loathing rattled inside of his head.
Why can’t I make this better?
Why can’t we go back to how we were?
Why did I have to do this to ******** me? Seth snarled. “******** you, Lyova.”
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He wanted to be beyond caring. He wanted to shut Seth out and walk away and just give up on everything because knowing that… knowing that Seth hadn’t felt like he was good enough was more painful than anything, the frustration that welled up beyond just frustration at Seth for not talking to him, but at himself because he clearly did something to make things like this.
“How vas I supposed to know you felt that vay?!” he shouted, hating himself for getting so worked up. And he didn’t like that Seth had stood up as well, practically blocking his exit.
So he paced, taking a few steps closer, and then circling away, as if having trouble deciding what he wanted to do, a hand lifting to scrub at his hair.
“You used to tell me everything! I did not have to question how you felt! And then you decide you vere not good enough? That you could not let me down? That is bull. s**t. Kolya,” he growled, turning on his heel to go back the other way, practically wearing a path into the floor where he walked.
He needed to move. He needed to calm himself down. He was just so angry that Seth decided he wasn’t good enough and Lev had no idea that he even thought that way.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to either of them. It was never supposed to be like this with Lev questioning everything Seth said and Seth not being able to tell Lev how he really felt.
His heart ached. It was painful because he could sense just how much this was hurting Seth as well. But it hurt even more because he, Lev, hadn’t been entirely truthful with his feelings either. He’d never talked about how he truly felt, so maybe he was just angry at Seth because it was easier than admit that he had feelings he kept hidden.
That he loved him and wanted to be with him.
But that was all ruined now, thanks to his own temper.
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It was going downhill faster than Seth would have thought possible, a veritable trainwreck of emotions and feelings and years worth of frustrations and anger. He could feel himself getting worked up, could taste the bitter taste of humiliation and betrayal thick in his throat, and was this how Lev had felt? Was this how hurt he had felt after waking up to find that Seth had gone?
Nothing was the way it was supposed to have been, Seth had made sure of that.
He hadn’t really realized that he’d curled his hands into fists, not because he was intending to hit anyone, but because he needed to stop himself from doing anything stupid, his heart in his throat, trying to fight back the overwhelming urge to scream until he was hoarse, to crush whatever was nearest into dust. He had no starseeds to break, no senshi or knight to attack; he forced back everything inside of himself, buried under the layers of frustration and hurt.
He could still feel Lev’s mouth on his, the touch of his hand, the weight of his body.
The entire world was against him.
“Get out.”
He had to force the words from his throat, because that hurt too, because they tasted like ash in his throat, and he never wanted to say them, never wanted to see Lev leave again, except -
-except now he had ruined everything, twice, and Lev was angry, and he couldn’t bear the overwhelming, sickening hatred a second longer.
His expression, when he looked at Lev from across the room, was a mixture of pain and furious frustration and a lot more he couldn’t say, Seth’s hands still balled into fists, so much that his knuckles were white with the effort of not breaking down, of hating himself more and more with each second that passed.
“Get out of my room. If you are just going to make accusations at me, then get out.”
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Get out.
The words were ringing in Lev’s ears, and a wave of frustration and regret and guilt and emotion washed over him. This was Seth’s house, after all. He hadn’t been patient enough to try and understand when Seth said he didn’t think he was good enough, that the reason why he left was because he didn’t want Lev to be disappointed in him.
It didn’t make sense, none of it did, but Lev had also let his temper get the better of him. He’d let his frustration take over and instead of staying there with Seth, instead of learning more about him and how he had managed to survive for the past two years alone, Lev had ruined everything.
His eyes flashed with anger, his own hands balled into fists. He needed to get out.
This had been a bad idea.
Even though he’d been honest when he said he wanted to spend more time with Seth, they clearly had too much between them to work things out.
It would have been too easy just to talk it through, to keep kissing him, to keep holding him and touching him and -
“Nyet,” he snarled, hating himself as he said it because this wasn’t how things were supposed to go. “I vill not leave. You vill talk to me and you vill tell me vhy you felt like that. I am tired of you running from me,” he said, standing his ground.
He knew he should just leave. He should take that chance to walk away and go back to his life without Seth in it. He knew he should, but he couldn’t. Not yet. Not like this.
“Make me understand, Kolya.”
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He had expected - and was braced for - the inevitable stalking out of the room. For Lev to turn around and leave, for him to repay the favor that Seth had done to him, to leave him behind the same way that Seth had left him behind. And he was braced for the agonizing hurt as he turned his back on Lev, the self loathing growing, burning painfully in his chest.
He had not expected for Lev to say no.
The single word coursed through Seth’s mind like a brushfire. He turned, his eyes wide and startled, still angry, still frustrated and hurt and everything in between, to stare at Lev, who was looking at him with just as much anger and betrayal in return. The hatred was still there, simmering beneath the surface; he felt like he was drowning in it, like he was going to suffocate under the weight of it.
For a moment, there was nothing but silence between them, tense and fraught with too many unseen things, and too much shock at Lev not leaving. Seth’s expression of disbelief shifted to one of furious frustration, and he stalked forward, reaching out to shove at Lev’s shoulders.
I can’t do this.
It hurts too much.
“I thought I said,” Seth snarled, trying to push him out, ”to get out.”
Just go. It will be easier to not think.
You hate me, anyway.
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Lev was ready for a fight. He was prepared for it, because that was what he did. He hadn’t gotten to the point in his life where he felt the need to run. Seth used to be like him. They would confidently stand their ground against whatever happened, and Lev was sure that Seth still was able to stand his ground. When it had to do with anyone or anything but him. Something about Lev put Seth in high alert, ready to flee at a moment’s notice, it seemed.
He could see the pain in Seth’s eyes. The startled, angry expression of hurt and frustration and… something else. There was always something else with Seth, something Lev wasn’t entirely sure of. Earlier he would have said it was desire. He’d kissed him so hard and so desperately that Lev wasn’t sure what else it could be.
Now, there was still that same look, but it wasn’t just desire that Lev saw this time. There was something deeper. Something mixed painfully in with everything else.
And then Seth was moving forward, shoving at Lev, who had to take a step back to keep himself balanced, not prepared for the force of it. Seth was a strong man, and his height helped, as well was the emotion that burned inside him.
“I refuse,” Lev hissed back, reaching to grab onto Seth’s wrists the next time he tried to shove at him, making to push him back, wanting to back him up against the wall so that he didn’t have as much room to run. Or fight.
“I already told you. You are done vith running, Kolya.”
Yes, Lev knew perfectly well that this was exactly what Seth was trying to do. He wanted an out. He wanted to escape. He was already in his home, so the only way he could run was to push Lev out. Lev was not going to accept that.
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Posted: Sat Nov 25, 2017 6:01 am
He felt the frustration rise, felt the outrage burn through him, because why was Lev not leaving? Why was he not just getting out, why was he not walking away like he should have? Seth was making it easy for him; Seth was pushing him out the door - literally - in an attempt at making this easier for the both of them. In the long run, Lev would thank him, because he would realize that Seth had been right in walking away, because the loathing was too hard to overcome.
Except Lev wasn’t.
Lev had stumbled back when Seth had shoved him, but he recovered quickly, hands shooting out to grab ahold of Seth’s wrists. Seth made a snarling noise in the back of his throat, wrenching as hard as he could against Lev’s grip, stumbling back a little as he was propelled by the force of Lev’s own shove, both of them grappling at one another. The wall was only a foot or so away from him; if he wasn’t careful, he’d be trapped.
“Let me go - “
He tried to free himself, but Lev had always been strong, and had only grown stronger in the last two years. Seth felt the panic rising, the instinctive and overwhelming need to get out of here, to be alone - again - to not have to deal with this, because running away was always easier than accepting what he couldn’t change, than accepting the most painful understanding and reality of it all.
His emotions were too on edge. He felt trapped, a wild animal behind bars, Seth’s fingers shaking, his body trembling, and he was too aware of Lev right in front of him and yet too far away at the same time.
”Why will you not let me run away.”
It was torn from his throat, angry and frustrated, Seth’s voice rising.
”Let me go - “------------------------------------------------------------ While he knew he was probably making things worse by cornering Seth, Lev was more afraid that walking out now would mean the end to everything. Seth was so determined not to talk to him that Lev wanted nothing more than to frustrate the hell out of him until he had no choice but to talk.
It wasn’t really working. If anything, it was making Seth angrier, and when Seth got angry, Lev knew to be on his guard.
“Nyet,” he hissed back as Seth jerked and tried to pull away, but Lev held tight, twisting and maneuvering his own hands in order to keep Seth from breaking free too easily.
“I vill not let you go,” he hissed, quieter this time, even as Seth’s voice rose, hysteria in his expression. This was dangerous. And he was also conscious of pushing Seth too far. He didn’t want to push him to the point that really wanted nothing to do with him, but trying to get him to leave while Lev was trying to have a conversation with him wasn’t helping either of them.
He twisted Seth’s arms, moving him in a way that forced one arm up and over Seth’s head so that his back was to Lev, not wanting him to have the chance to do something crazy, like lunge forward and bite him. But he also kept him pinned up against the wall, almost like what a cop would do when detaining someone, except instead of having Seth’s arms twisted behind him, they were crossed in front of him.
“Nyet, Kolya,” he said, quieter still, his own fight simmering down the more that Seth struggled, focusing on keeping Seth from hurting himself (or him) instead of his own anger. ------------------------------------------------------------ For a few seconds, they struggled, Seth yanking at his wrists, and Lev only tightening his grasp, the two of them stumbling a little backwards and forwards. The panic and the mania was rising higher in his throat, hardly able to be kept at bay now, spilling over as his feet slid along the lush carpet of the floor. A sound escaped, raw, like a caged animal as Lev twisted his arm around, shock and outrage making him fight back instinctively, and then he was pressed against the wall with Lev’s arms around him, keeping him trapped against the wall.
”Let me go - let me go - let me go - “
He didn’t have the strength for this. For all of his abilities and all of his confidences, his skills in fighting Order members, his lack of caring when it came to starseed crushing, the easiness that stemmed from years of knowing who he was and what he wanted he did not have the strength to handle Lev. Lev brought something out in him that was continually and consistently repressed, buried deep, all of his emotions turned outwards for the world to see.
No. Not the world. For Lev to see, although Seth had made him his world, so it was close enough.
He did not have the ability to fight this.
The ferocious struggles began to slow, as though Seth’s body was moving on instinct, rather than purposefully. Eventually, after a few more moments, they stopped entirely, Lev’s voice still wafting through the air around him, quiet and firm in his ear.
I will not let you go.
It was such a lie. It was such a mistake to let this happen again.
Seth slumped forward, his forehead against the wall, feeling drained and exhausted, and, humiliatingly, he could feel the burn of something like tears blurring his vision, stinging at the corners of his eyes. He closed them, his body giving up the fight, as though everything had gone out of him.
“Vhy do you make me feel this way?” he whispered, and it was barely above a whisper, hoarse and unsteady, Seth’s hair hanging over his face, obscuring both his vision and his expression from view. “Everytime I think I can do this you come back and you make me feel so off balance all over again.”
Everything hurt so much. He felt the first hot slide of dampness down his cheek.
“I cannot live vith you,” he said, tone raw. “But I cannot live vithout you, either. I do not know vhat to do anymore.”------------------------------------------------------------ Lev didn’t ease up his grip until he was sure that the struggling had stopped, until he was sure that Seth wouldn’t jerk away or try to elbow him in the gut, or even try to gouge his eyes out. He held on tight long enough to feel the way Seth slumped forward, forehead against the wall.
“I should ask you the same,” Lev admitted quietly back, his hands loosening so he could gently rub at Seth’s arms. He should hate Seth. He did hate him. But he didn’t hate him. The only real constant was that he loved him, and that feeling had never changed throughout the years, even with the frustration and anger coming to the forefront most recently.
His heart was pounding in his chest, and he knew he’d been in the wrong just as much as Seth had been. He felt guilty for it, especially knowing how hard Seth had to struggle through everything.
“Прости,” he said softly, “I vas wrong. I should not have lost temper.” With everything going on, with all the emotions and heartache and hope and longing and everything… it was so difficult to keep everything in check. Lev felt like he was constantly on edge.
“Прости,” he mumbled again, this time leaning a little closer and daring to press a kiss to the side of Seth’s head, just behind his ear. It was probably too much. Seth probably - definitely - wouldn’t want to be kissed after all that, but Lev couldn’t help it. He wanted to be near him so badly, and he didn’t want to ruin their last true day together. Even though he was pretty sure he’d already ruined it.
“If you vould really like for me to get out, I vill,” he promised, breath against Seth’s ear as he spoke. “But I vant you to know… I vear this necklace because I can not live vithout you either. I am sorry. I vas wrong,” he said once more.
Slowly, now that Seth didn’t seem as though he was going to do anything to hurt himself by thrashing about, Lev released his arms, his hands sliding down to his hands to give them a gentle squeeze, and pulled away.
“Вы достаточно хороши для меня, Kolya,” he said, knowing it was probably too late to bother, but if Seth knew, then maybe he would sleep better at night. “Вы всегда были.” ------------------------------------------------------------ The gentle sweep of Lev’s hands on his arms was almost unbearable. It was too kind, too sweet, too much that Seth didn’t deserve. He wanted, masochistically, the anger to return, because while the hatred had been too painful to endure, the anger was something easy to fall back on, something that Seth could focus on instead of his own pathetic inability to fix things.
The apology made him shudder, but the kiss to his ear made his skin flush, made a shiver run through Seth all the way from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. He let his head tilt slightly back at the brush of lips, eyes fluttering, and that too, he didn’t deserve.
But he wanted it, so badly it hurt. So badly it felt like the air was leaving his chest, breath against his skin, soft words in his ear. Lev’s voice was like a drug to his veins, a thrum of heat and longing and adoration and so much love it was threatening to consume him from the inside out. He could have stayed like this forever if it meant just hearing Lev’s voice in his ear.
I cannot live without you, either.
You were good enough for me.
Seth’s hands caught Lev’s before they moved away, moving instinctively, automatically. His head was still ducked a little, hair still around his face, but he took a step back, pulling Lev forward simultaneously, so that he could wrap Lev’s arms around his waist from behind. The warmth and the solidity of him made his heart nearly stop; this lose he could so easily lose himself in this half embrace that he himself had created.
Seth’s arms came up over Lev’s to hold them in place, his back against Lev’s broad chest, his fingers gripping Lev’s wrists to keep him from trying to move away, and this time it was Seth that was trying to pin Lev where he was.
”...не покидай,” whispered Seth, and he knew it was a mistake, but he couldn’t do it. He was too weak.
“Please,” he said, and his voice was so quiet. His grip on Lev’s arms tightened. “Do not leave. Do not go anyvhere. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
It was an almost childish plea, cracking a little. Seth’s cheeks felt hot, damp.
”Lyova,” he breathed, and it was like a prayer. ”Ты мне нужен.”
Like air, like water, like sleep. He had always needed him, even when he had tried to push him away, the need was there, because there was no one in this world who knew him, both at his worst and his best, and who knew how to deal with him.
“I do not know how to do this. I do not know how to talk. I do not know how to fix this.”
His face was wet now, streaked with tears, and he hated that too.
“I broke it and I cannot fix it.”------------------------------------------------------------ Lev hadn’t expected Seth to stop him, but he froze as his arms were pulled back around Seth’s waist, his fingers curling a little into the fabric of his sweater. It was already so obvious that their relationship was nothing like it had been. Instead of something easy and natural it was now volatile and on edge, both because of Seth’s determination to flee, and Lev’s simmering anger and frustration at being abandoned two years ago.
Don’t leave.
I need you.
It wasn’t often that he’d seen Seth break down like this, but Lev knew that he was one of the very few, if only person, to see him like this. He could feel the way his body trembled with his back against Lev’s chest, felt the hot drops of tears that fell onto his arms as he held him, even if he couldn’t see Seth’s face.
The distress Seth felt was palpable, a heavy thing that weighed down on the both of them, taking up all the space in the enormous room.
Lev couldn’t remember ever being this close to Seth before, holding him like this. They’d embraced before, sure, but nothing like this. Not to the point where he could feel the agony in Seth’s breath, the hopelessness in each word.
The frustration was still there, the anger too, but the overwhelming feeling of longing seemed to drown it out for the time being. The desire to help Seth however he could overpowering his own reservations. Because he hadn’t been lying when he said he couldn’t live without him.
"Do you vant to fix this…?" he asked, his voice quiet as he leaned forward to press his lips into Seth’s hair, taking the time to really soak in everything that was Seth. "I vill not force you to talk anymore, but do you vant to fix this?"------------------------------------------------------------ He could not rewind things. He could not turn back the clock and pretend that none of this had ever happened, that he had not left Lev behind because he’d been afraid to face what had been right in front of him. He could not fix anything at all, no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did.
But Lev wasn’t walking away, not yet. He wasn’t trying to pull away, and there was something about this particular embrace that felt tantamount to everything else. Lev had never hugged him like this before, not even back in the kitchen, when Seth had been on edge the entire time, fighting like a caged animal. This was different; it was every single emotion that Seth felt, all tangled up inside of himself, so that he couldn’t think past it, or the feeling of Lev’s arms so securely around him.
His face was wet. Lev’s head was against his own, and then lips were in his hair, and Seth closed his eyes against the feel of them, tilting his head back into it, his own grasp tightening on Lev’s, because it was so unbearably precious and needed and desired that it was hard to put anything into words.
He inhaled a sharp, painful breath that hurt somewhere in his lungs. Seth’s eyes stayed closed even as he let himself lean back against Lev, hair falling across his face.
”Yes.”------------------------------------------------------------ Yes.
The tension was still there. The weight was still there in the room, but Lev felt as though something was lifted from his own shoulders, as if that was all he needed to hear. At least for that moment. He had been so caught up with what happened, with the fact that Seth had disappeared, had left him without a word, had built a new life for himself without Lev in it, that it was often difficult for him to see past that.
But now, after the last several days of running into each other, of talking, of yelling and throwing punches, Lev felt like he was reaching the precipice of everything. He was either going to brush Seth off and never have anything to do with him ever again and try to move on by himself…
Or he was going to accept that they would have to dedicate themselves to fixing something that might not be fixable. That he needed to tamp down his own anger at the situation and work past that if they ever wanted some kind of semblance of a relationship of what they had before.
But that was another problem.
Lev didn’t just want the relationship they had before.
Carefully, knowing that Seth would probably become distressed as he did so, he pulled his arms away from where they were around his waist. His hands stopped on his hips so he could gently try to turn Seth around to face him, pushing him so that his back was up against the wall. ------------------------------------------------------------ He wondered what was going to happen now. Whether or not Lev would want to fix things, because even if Seth said he wanted to fix them, it did not guarantee Lev’s involvement at all. In fact, Seth would not have been surprised if Lev turned around and left right now, returning what Seth had done to him tenfold, and really, he wouldn’t have blamed him. He had screwed up. He had broken them.
But he wanted, desperately, to fix at least something. Even if he could just alleviate some of the hate that Lev had for him, it would have been enough.
His head rose as Lev’s arms shifted - it didn’t take much for him to pull them back, because he was stronger than Seth, and Seth hadn’t even really tried to keep them there. A noise of protest escaped him instinctively, panic rising, because yes, now Lev would leave, he would walk away, and -
Hands were on his hips, guiding him, and Seth found himself turned around, eyes widening in surprise. His lips parted, a word almost escaping, but failing as Lev pushed him back against the wall, his back hitting it with a soft thump, his arms hanging at his sides.
Seth’s lashes fluttered halfway down, his heart leaping in his chest, and there was a flare of something like startled desire mingled in with the shock, his throat feeling suddenly dry. Everything had slowed down around him, the world careening to a halt once more, shrunk down to just the two of them and no one else.
He had never needed anyone else.
Seth didn’t move. He didn’t try to escape, didn’t try to run, but he also didn’t try to draw Lev nearer, because he was afraid of what this meant, of what Lev was doing.
His red rimmed eyes, slowly, rose to meet Lev’s, Seth’s cheeks flushed.------------------------------------------------------------ Lev watched Seth’s expression as he was turned, saw how the tears had streaked down his face, his eyes red and lashes wet. He was not a pretty sight at all.
And yet, he was the most beautiful that Lev had ever seen him.
There was real, raw emotion there, evident of the truth in Seth’s words. Proof that he was sincere when he said that he wanted to fix things, that he didn’t know what to do, that he needed Lev, that he didn’t want him to leave.
He had seen countless actors, especially in the past few years. Lev worked with them every day; people putting on act, faces to show one emotion when they didn’t feel that way at all. To some people, it was just a game. Even Seth’s cheeky grins and the confident way he held himself was an act, to an extent.
But no one got to see the other side of Seth. No one except for Lev, and he was very much aware of that. Seth was revealing his truest self to him, and it was more beautiful than anything Lev could imagine.
Lev was scared as well, because this could be the very moment that he messed everything up. This could be the moment where he pushed too far.
He lifted a hand, gently brushing his fingers across Seth’s brow, pushing his hair back from where it was sticking to his tear soaked face, and then slid down to softly cup his cheek, similar to what Seth had done to him -
And leaned forward, just barely tilting his head, and caught Seth’s mouth in a tentative, soft kiss. As though he was just tasting, just testing the waters. His lips parted, tongue tasting the salt from Seth’s tears, his hand sliding down to cradle the back of his neck as he held onto him, pressed up against the wall. ------------------------------------------------------------ He felt exposed in a way he hadn’t felt in years, raw and open, everything that he felt and everything that he thought out on display for Lev to see. Lev had always known the real him, had always known him for who he was, and Seth had never had to hide any of that from him; it was just how it was. He’d never before had to act differently around Lev, the one person he didn’t have to act in front of.
Until now. Until these last few days, until all of his attempts at acting calm and collected and like he didn’t care.
Lev had come back and had torn his facade to pieces, and all that was left was what Seth had been afraid of letting him see in the first place; all of his vulnerabilities and insecurities, all of his fears, everything he had buried deep now risen to the surface, no longer pushed away and pretended that they didn’t exist.
He was afraid now, and Lev knew it. They both knew it.
The touch of Lev’s hand on his forehead was achingly tender, so much that it almost hurt. Seth felt his breath leave him in a shattered sound that only quickened as Lev’s palm pressed against his cheek, tilting his head up, and he knew it was coming before it actually happened and he still was not prepared for it.
He wasn’t sure he could actually be prepared for it, because he had wanted something like this for so long that it felt almost surreal now.
Lev’s lips pressed against his and Seth’s startled intake of breath was muffled against them, his heart beating so fast in his chest it was a miracle it didn’t break out past his ribcage. He felt the curve of Lev’s hand on the back of his neck, felt the pressure of his body pushing him gently against the wall, and made an incoherent noise in the back of his throat of pleasure and a longing so powerful it almost overwhelmed him.
His lips parted without needing to be coaxed, allowing Lev to taste, heat and desire flaring alongside the stunned realization that Lev was kissing him. That he was pressing Seth against the wall and taking his mouth in a way that was making Seth ache, his pulse quickening.
His hands rose, unsteady with his uncertainty, and curled in the fabric at Lev’s sides, holding tightly. There wasn’t much room to go forward, not with Lev pressing him into the wall, but Seth didn’t want even an inch between them. He let himself have this small indulgence that felt like a breath of fresh air and leaned into the kiss as much as he could, body pressed against body, a soft sigh of utter relief and need escaping involuntarily as his eyes fell shut.------------------------------------------------------------ It was terrifying. All of it. The risk, the emotion, the inexperience with the one person Lev felt he had the most experience with. Seth had always been his soulmate, even though he’d also always shied away from intimacy, especially since they were both men. It seemed ridiculous now to think that back when they were just teenagers, they could have experimented with all kinds of things. Like kissing. Because kissing someone he actually wanted to kiss was a lot different than anything else.
Now… now after everything, even though Lev still wasn’t sure if this was okay, his heart pounded in his chest, the desire he felt for Seth making his blood heat in a way that was not entirely different from anger. He was not angry. At least not at Seth. Not at the moment. He was more angry and frustrated at himself because of how easily Seth leaned into him, opened himself to him, made those soft noises that made it seem as though he’d wanted this for so long.
Lev kissed him, still soft and slow at first, his fingers smoothing up and down Seth’s neck as he kissed him, tasting him. He felt the way Seth held onto him as well, how he pressed against him as though they were the only two left in the world.
He wanted this. More than anything else. Would it be possible to mend everything that had broken between them? Lev had no idea, but he wanted to try. He wanted to see what they could do together, what they could accomplish.
Once upon a time, they planned on taking on the world together. But fairytales were just fairytales, and humans were scared, panicky creatures when they felt cornered.
Seth had felt cornered, and everything he hadn’t wanted to show of himself had threatened to come pouring out.
He was panting slightly as he pulled back, his forehead pressed up against Seth’s, his eyes closed.
“Me too,” he said, barely a whisper. “I vill help you. I vant to fix things too.” ------------------------------------------------------------ He did not know how he had managed to survive as many years as he had without this; without the press of Lev’s lips against his own, without the slow, exploring taste of his tongue, without the drift of warm fingers against the back of his neck. It felt as though Seth had never breathed before now, not really; this was his breath, this was everything that he had ever wanted, right here.
A chance, maybe. An opportunity.
Not a fix. Not a way to turn back time. Seth had no idea how to do anything, how to take away two years worth of hurt and frustration and anger and hatred, but he could do this. He could allow himself this one, tiny indulgence because he had never wanted anything as badly as he had wanted Lev and still did.
He made a sound of protest as Lev pulled away, Seth’s own breathing just as erratic and unsteady. His eyes were half open, his lashes fluttering as Lev pressed his forehead against his own, and Seth’s grip on his shirt tightened, refusing to let go, terrified that if he did, he would lose this all over again.
I want to fix things too.
He felt so unsteady on his own two feet; dazed and disoriented by kissing Lev, by kissing the one person in the world that knew him. Seth made another noise in the back of his throat, feeling the tangled emotions beginning to burst free, his heart raw and open.
”вместе,” he breathed out, Lev’s voice ringing in his ears, and Seth closed the distance between them again, unable to help himself, and this time it was Seth who placed a hand on Lev’s face, Seth who kissed him, slow and steady and with soft, uncertain sweeps of his tongue, hesitantly tasting, not wanting to part just yet.
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