They weren’t.
As much as Lev wanted to just forget the last two years of his life, he also knew that was what made him who he was now. Part of him wondered that if Seth hadn’t left, if he would have ever become successful. If he was forced to think of himself and his brother, rather than the other half of his life, could that be the reason why he was able to do what he did? What he’d accomplished?
He and Seth stood there in that kitchen for an incredibly long time, neither of them seeming to want to let go, as if just for those few, drawn out minutes, everything was back to how it had been before. The warmth of Seth’s body against his, the smell of his hair, the way his breath hitched a little with distress as he breathed, the way those long fingers clutched to him, digging into his shirt; Lev wanted to memorize this so he could never forget.
Because once they parted ways, Lev knew that they could never see each other again.
Eventually the embrace was broken, the bottle of vodka finally opened, and after Lev insisted being the one to clean up the broken glass, they took their drinks to the vast great room in Seth’s mansion. Because apparently it had better seating than the other sitting rooms.
Lev brought with him not just his drink, but the first aid kit that he was almost surprise that Seth knew of the location, what with how many rooms the house had. He’d sat down on the couch next to him, feeling not as tense as before, and held out his hand for Seth to place his injured hand in his so he could bandage it.
I’ve missed you was what he wanted to say, but knew he couldn’t. So he kept his silence, his head bowed, and eyes on his work.
“You need to be more careful,” he said, voice low and quiet as he reached to sort through the different types of bandages at his disposal.
I don’t like that you live here alone. Something could happen. Do you check in with anyone? Does someone know to make sure you’re okay?
“But I believe you vill live,” Lev continued, trying to make light of everything as best he could, although his voice still didn’t sound very amused.
----------------------------------------------------
His body still remembered the warmth of Lev’s arms around him.
It was taking more effort than Seth would have thought possible to concentrate on something on else, on the fact that they were now sitting in one of the large living rooms that made up most of the first floor. The carpeting in here was a light cream color, thick and lush, and the couches were all dark leather, expensive and comfortable. Along one wall was an enormous entertainment center, though the television was currently hidden behind two dark wood panels that made up the rest of the shelving as well.
Seth didn’t want to think about the room, or the events of the previous night, or really anything except that embrace back in the kitchen. He was fighting an almost overwhelming urge to reach for Lev now, to bury himself against that broad chest, to let himself, for the first time in a long time, remember what it had once been like two years ago. He wanted it so badly that for a few seconds after he wordlessly passed his arm over to Lev, palm facing upwards so that he could work, Seth was momentarily dizzied with the longing.
But he couldn’t have it, not now not ever again. He tamped down on it, shoved it aside, pushed it into the back recesses of his mind.
“I am very careful, actually,” he said now. Seth was sitting with the footrest up, one leg extended out on it, the other tucked beneath him. He was leaning back against the plush seat, and between himself and Lev was a moveable armrest that had two drink holders - and currently where his arm was laying across. The tumbler of vodka, however, was in Seth’s free hand, not the drink holder. He’d only taken a small sip.
“I did not expect to be...accosted,” he said, after a moment. Seth swilled the vodka around, an absent gesture. His face was turned away from Lev, eyes unfocused at something high up on the wall that really wasn’t anything at all. The dark circles beneath his eyes were a little more pronounced now, with the lights all on in the house, Seth’s head throbbing.
“It was unexpected. I vas not prepared.”
There was another long moment of silence. Seth closed his eyes.
“Thank you.”
----------------------------------------------------
He missed these quiet moments between them so much that it hurt. He wanted to beg Seth to give him another chance, that they could work something out, even if it meant getting divorced and just being able to talk to each other again. He missed his best friend, the man he thought he would be with for the rest of his life because he hadn’t wanted anyone else, or anything different.
But that was gone. They were both different people now. It was still so surreal to be there, to have Seth’s hand in his own as he worked on carefully bandaging the cut he’d received from the glass.
Lev didn’t look up when Seth commented on the incident, that he wasn’t prepared, and then the quiet thanks after a long moment of silence.
Carefully, after making sure the bandage was secure around Seth’s hand, he turned it over so that Seth’s palm was against his own, the fingers of his free hand gently brushing against the still wrapped knuckles from the night before.
“Are you speaking about morning, or last night?” he gently prompted, his fingers working to loosen the haphazardly done bandages around Seth’s bruised knuckles. Lev hadn’t expected Seth to get accosted either, and if he hadn’t been worried about Seth getting too involved, he would have loved dragging that man out into the alley to knock a few teeth out. At the very least.
In fact, if Lev hadn’t interrupted, hadn’t stepped in, they wouldn’t be sitting there on the couch now. They wouldn’t have shared that moment in the kitchen, just quietly holding onto each other for the first time in two years.
“For vhat?” he asked, but his voice wasn’t hostile, just quiet and curious. Was Seth just thanking him for helping with his hand? For the night before? For bothering to even talk to him? It could be anything, really. If Lev knew Seth didn’t just say something for the hell of it, he would have wondered if maybe he was just saying thank you to be polite.
----------------------------------------------------
The touch was too gentle. He didn’t know how to handle it, the feeling of nostalgia and longing that rose in his throat at the lack of anger and the lack of hostility as Lev turned his hand over. The brush of his fingers was an ache in his chest, something that had never been soothed or filled in two years and was now fighting to get free, a mad flutter against his throat.
He caught his breath as the bandages were shifted, a faint hiss of pain as they were unwound. He’d been through worse, of course, and had done worse; but he had not been prepared to hit someone, had not taken the proper measurements to secure his hand and the hit had landed badly anyway. The knuckles were bruised and stiff; and yet Seth’s attention was focused instead on the gentle way in which Lev worked, not the pain.
He had missed him; it felt like a part of himself was still missing him, still broken and shattered like those tumbler glasses on the floor of his kitchen. He missed the man he had grown up with, missed the man he had spent his life with, missed the man who would sit with him after one of his father’s meetings and make sure that he knew that he wasn’t alone, that they were always together.
Always was too short now, an empty promise, thanks to Seth.
His eyes were still closed. The question hurt, both of them did. Seth couldn’t bring himself to look up, couldn’t bring himself to turn his head to look at Lev, because looking at him was a painful, real thing that made everything in him ache in a way he could never resolve.
“Both,” he said, dark hair shifting around his face as Seth took a small breath.
“You did not haff to help, but you did.”
----------------------------------------------------
Lev knew Seth’s knuckles and hand hurt. It really did look like the punch landed badly, and it didn’t help that it was dark and there were other people around and in the way. His own hand was a bit sore, but his punch had hits its mark. He hoped that man’s nose was broken and he would have to live with it being uneven, at the very least.
“You make me sound so heartless,” Lev said quietly, casually, glancing up at Seth, but the other’s eyes were closed. He looked at Seth’s face for a long moment, as if to finally get a good look at him.
He looked exhausted and worn, but Lev didn’t know if that was because he was there, or because that was just how Seth usually looked these days. He used to be so full of life and energy, and now that seemed to have seeped from him.
What happened to you? Are you always like this now? Is this really your own doing and not your father’s? What did I do to frighten you away?
“I could not just stand there and watch that man - “ he stopped himself, realizing his voice had taken on a more bitter tone, almost like a growl. He clamped his mouth shut and instead pulled the rest of the bandages free so he could then reach for some of the cream that would help numb the pain and help with the bruising. He smoothed it from his fingertips to Seth’s knuckles, gently massaging his swollen hand.
“I did not help because I thought you could not handle yourself,” he continued instead. “That vas not my intention.” He realized Seth might think it that way, because why else would someone need to rescue him? No, he helped because he still cared about him. Deeply. Irrevocably. Even after everything, he wanted Seth to be safe and happy.
And if running away made him happy… then Lev was willing to accept that.
----------------------------------------------------
A half strangled laugh escaped him before he could stop it.
“You? You are least heartless person I know.”
He said it without thinking, without pausing to consider the ramifications of that statement, but it was true, whether he had meant to admit it or not. There was no one that Seth knew that was more full of heart than Lev, even if that heart was not and had never been directed at him in the way that he had wanted it to be. Lev had always been full of empathy, of kindness, of gentleness even with his big body.
And now he was a bitter, angry man who loathed Seth, and Seth had done that to him.
He tried to ignore the way that his heart skipped a beat at the growling tone of Lev’s voice, tried to set aside the fluttering feeling in his stomach, but it felt like he was standing on the edge of a cliff, about to tip over it. Lev’s hands were careful on his, smoothing the cream in, and Seth tried to stop his hand from trembling and failed. He was too aware of how much he wanted this to go back to what it was, and knowing that it never would.
It was a lie, really. Seth was weak, and Lev had stepped in because he’d known that, even though Seth’s mind was leaping for painful joy at the idea of Lev stepping in to help because he’d been jealous or angry or any of the things that would make this the way he wanted.
“He vas just a man,” said Seth, after a moment had passed, an aching beat of his heart. “He is nothing to me.”
Not in the sense that Lev should not have bothered, but in another sense that hurt, though it was likely that Lev would take this the wrong way, anyway. Seth had not been able to do or say anything yet that had been taken how he had meant it, because the words were too hard, everything convoluted inside of his head.
“I did not...mean for things to get out of hand.”
----------------------------------------------------
The laugh and comment had Lev pausing, staring at Seth for a long moment, before his eyes lowered back to the task of tending to Seth’s knuckles, gently smoothing his own fingers over them once more before he started wrapping them.
He didn’t think that was entirely true. At least not these days. He’d let himself get caught up in the loneliness and anger and misery of being left by the man he thought he would be spending his life with. It was all too painful to think about, so he tried not to think about it. Not right then.
He was just a man.
It was so difficult for him to not let his emotions get the better of him. He’d seen the way Seth had his arm around the man’s neck, and also the way he’d been making eyes at the woman from across the bar the first night he revealed knowing Seth was there. Alive. Well.
You could have been with whoever you wanted, if you’d stayed. As long as you came back to me. As long as we were together. If that was what made you happy, to be with other people, I wouldn’t have cared.
Lev pulled maybe a little too tightly on the bandages, and had to pause to readjust them, not wanting Seth to be in pain, more than he already was.
“Are you speaking about this morning, or last night?” Lev asked again, although this time his voice felt tighter, as though he was trying to be cautious with what he said, but the urge to give into his emotions were too overwhelming.
“Or do you mean before…?”
He’d already finished wrapping Seth’s hand. It was resting against his palm, his other hand on top. He stayed like that for a long moment, before finally setting Seth’s hand down on the armrest, and pulled his hands free.
“May I?” he gestured to the first aid kit, clearly meaning to use it for himself. “They did not, ah… do a good job.” His own arm had been wrapped, but he was sure it would get infected or scar if he didn’t handle it himself.
----------------------------------------------------
He jerked slightly as the bandages were pulled too tight, a hiss escaping. Seth’s eyes flew open, his head turning to look down at his hand, then over at Lev, an instinctive gesture that made his heart almost stop. He had been trying not to look at him, deliberately averting his gaze, but now he couldn’t tear his eyes away, tracing the hard lines of Lev’s jaw, the way he could see a muscle flexing there, as though Lev was biting back the urge to hit him.
The tone had changed. He knew how it had sounded and had no way of fixing it. Seth tried not to think of that moment in the kitchen, the singular, breathless moment he had selfishly allowed himself, burrowed against Lev’s chest, arms around him. A moment of weakness, of pathetic self indulgence when really, he should have just pushed himself away, should have let him go instead of holding on tighter.
He didn’t want to pull his hand away. Seth’s eyes were wide and dark, staring at Lev, feeling the rapidfire pulse in his own neck.
Don’t leave.
Lev’s fingers slid from his, the question still hanging in the air. Seth swallowed back whatever he’d been about to say, tried to control his breathing, but it felt ragged even to his own ears.
The first aid kit was picked up without thinking, and Seth reached over, this time being the one to take ahold of Lev’s arm, ignoring the shaking hands and the desire to run. He set the kit in his lap, laying Lev’s arm over the armrest between them like Lev had done to him, his fingers working at the edges of the bandage, fumbling slightly with stiffness.
“I am speaking of...last night,” he said, and he couldn’t think properly, turning slightly so that he was more facing Lev to see his arm better, sliding his leg off of the foot rest so that his foot rested on the ground with his other still tucked beneath him. “I did not think it vould end in a fight.”
He carefully, unsteadily, unwrapped another bandage.
“I did not...mean for you to get hurt.”
This time or any time, even though that’s all I do.
----------------------------------------------------
He almost objected when Seth reached out to take the first aid kit and his arm, but held back the urge to say anything as he saw, and felt, the way Seth’s hands were still shaking.
Are you afraid of me? Do you expect me to hurt you again?
There were so many things he wanted to ask, so many emotions swirling in his head, but he knew he couldn’t say any of it. Not now. Not ever. It wouldn’t be fair to Seth to open up like that when they would be parting ways after that morning was finished.
“Me getting hurt vas not your fault,” Lev pointed out, letting out a breath to keep himself settled. It wasn’t as though there was negative air around them. At least not as much as before. It wasn’t hanging heavily over them. Instead it was more of a resigned kind of emotion that settled over them. Sad and lonely and wanting more, and knowing nothing would ever come of it.
At least for him. For Seth, he wasn’t sure any more. He thought he could read him, but he’d closed himself off when he was being calm and collected. If only his emotions would slip, if his anger would peek through, then Lev was sure he’d be able to decipher more about what was going on. But now it was just… everything felt lonely.
“He should not have touched you like that. No one else vas doing anything so…” Lev said, holding still as Seth unwrapped the bandages. It was a couple jagged cuts underneath, crusted over with dried blood from where the officer hadn’t taken the time to properly treat it. Lev just hoped there wouldn’t be an infection later.
“I did not realize you enjoy the company of other men.”
He regretted it the moment he said it. Everything had seemed like such a haze that the words escaped when he had been sure he was just thinking it. Lev scowled at himself, not wanting to hear Seth’s response. He should just pull his arm away and leave before it got to be too much for him to handle. If Seth liked men, then what was it that made him want to leave? Did Seth just not feel that way about him?
“You can do vhat you vant. It was just an observation,” he clarified, hopefully before it was too late.
----------------------------------------------------
He couldn’t seem to make his mind work properly. There were too many unanswered questions, too much confusion twisting around inside of his thoughts. Seth moved instinctively, automatically unwrapping the bandages with a unsteady hands that made him wish he was better at hiding this all.
“You did not have to get involved, and you did,” he said, his gaze still on Seth’s arm. “You got hurt because you meant to help me.”
Or something. Seth wasn’t even sure he was right about it, right about anything anymore. Lev had stepped in, had intervened purposefully and it had gotten him cut, which meant that it was a direct result of something Seth had done and there was no denying that. Once again, he had managed to make things worse for Lev. Once again, he had gotten him hurt, this time physically.
Emotionally, mentally, he could do nothing. Physically, he could at least try.
He made a sound that was almost a laugh, but not quite.
“No one else cared,” said Seth, and then realized what he had said, his heart in his throat. His fingertips brushed over the reddened skin of Lev’s arm, still trembling, and he wanted to take it back, wanted to pretend he had never said it, because of course Lev did not care anymore. Of course Lev did not want him the way he had once wanted him, best friends, partners in crime; the other half of himself.
I did not realize you enjoy the company of other men.
All the air in the room seemed to disappear, seemed to be sucked out through some sort of vacuum. Seth’s fingers froze on Lev’s arm, a bottle of antiseptic ointment held in his free hand, and all at once, he felt claustrophobic, clustered, trapped in this wide expanse of a room. The mansion was enormous and so was the lace they were in, and yet it gave Seth the sensation of the walls closing in.
His gaze rose, slowly, involuntarily, to meet Lev’s, his heart seeming to twist painfully in his chest.
“Sometimes,” he said quietly, not dropping his eyes, because he couldn’t have looked away if he’d wanted to. “Sometimes, yes.”
----------------------------------------------------
No one else cared.
For some reason, it made Lev’s heart ache. As angry as he was for what he’d done, Lev couldn’t help but hate that Seth obviously felt like he was alone. He knew Seth must think he didn’t care about him any more, but that was far from it. It was probably why he was so angry in the first place; because he cared too much.
He’d missed Seth so much that it was a physical pain in his chest, his soul torn in two. Because when Seth left, he took the other half with him. There was nothing that could repair that, Lev knew, but he wanted desperately for the chance that he knew would never come.
The observation he’d made about Seth’s partner choice clearly increased the tension in the room ten fold, the air being sucked out, and Lev was almost certain he could hear both of their hearts beating heavily in their chests.
His eyes met Seth’s dark blue and stayed there, waiting for Seth to maybe look away, or make some forced comment to play it all off. Lev knew that the question had somehow caused the tension and, well.
“But mostly you prefer vomen?” Lev prompted, hoping that would help ease the uncomfortableness of the conversation. He hadn’t meant to make things even more awkward between them.
He shook his head lightly, as though trying to let Seth know that it was really okay, a small, but not unkind smile pulling at his lips.
“Maybe I never really knew you, Kolya,” he said, but then the smile faded with a grimace. “Forgive me. Seth,” he tried again, knowing he had no right to calling Seth anything but his new name.
----------------------------------------------------
I missed you.
I didn’t want to leave you.
I wanted to stay with you.
I wanted to be with you.
I’m in love with you.
He couldn’t say it; couldn’t say any of it. The thoughts rattled around inside of Seth’s head, each one colliding with the other, until it was just a cacophony of noise and confusion. He was hyper aware of the space between them, how little it was in comparison to earlier, the wide gap that had been between them when they had been yelling at each other, stalking through his house.
”Nyet,” said Seth, because his mouth was working before the rest of him, his eyes still fixed on Lev’s face, on those blue eyes he had seen so often and known so well, once upon a time. It felt like Lev was so very far away for someone who was sitting so close. “I prefer either.”
It was true. He didn’t have a preference. He hadn’t ever said that in front of his father, for obvious reasons, had never even told Lev, because to tell Lev was a dangerous thing in and of itself. Not the sort of dangerous it would have been for his father to know, but a different, more painful sort of danger that still crept in Seth’s heart.
Kolya.
Seth’s fingers stilled, froze in place where they rested on Lev’s arm, barely touching him. Nikolasha was one thing, Kolya was something else entirely, a nickname that had been for Lev and Lev only, a name that he had never even heard anyone else but Lev call him, and never wanted to hear anyone else call him.
It was what Lev called him when they had had their talks, when he had needed to hear that everything would be okay.
Everything was never going to be okay again.
Seth’s fingers seized ahold of Lev’s wrist without thinking.
”Nyet,” he said again, and he could hardly breathe, the words tumbling out of him before he could stop himself.
“Not you. You do not call me Seth.”
----------------------------------------------------
Something inside Lev was twisting uncomfortably, not because he was disgusted or upset with the idea of Seth liking both men and women, but because of how unfair it was that he had no idea, and that everything would have been so different he known. Because if he had known, he wouldn’t have felt so terrified of admitting that he felt something for Seth in more than just the platonic sense they were always meant to stay. He hadn’t wanted to ruin things between them, so he never brought it up, never took the risk, and he could only wonder how things might have been if only he’d said something.
He opened his mouth, but whatever he was about to say was lost when Seth’s fingers gripped onto his wrist. Lev stared at him with wide eyes, a little startled by the sudden breathless way Seth spoke. It hurt so much to be sitting there and knowing that this was just a temporary thing, that they were going to part ways soon, that they would probably never see each other again.
Seth would be free to seek out whoever he wanted as a partner, someone who would make him happy, and Lev would go back to his career as a model and travel the world as needed, while taking care of his younger brother as best he could.
Lev’s expression of surprise eased into something more resigned, a little more cautious after a few moments, knowing he was becoming too hopeful of how things were progressing. It reminded him too much of how things used to be between them, right down to the name.
“Kolya,” he said again, as if trying it out, his voice tight around it with emotion that he tried to keep at bay. He shouldn’t do this. He shouldn’t get close, because it would only be more painful.
Carefully, he twisted his wrist, pulling it away from where Seth had grabbed hold of him. But instead of withdrawing it, and after just a moment of hesitation, he turned his hand around so that once again his palm and Seth’s palm met each other.
“I am glad you are vell, Kolya. I know you may not believe me, but I am. I vish you nothing but the best,” he said, his voice quiet and rough. He tried smiling again, but couldn’t quite manage it.
Soon, they would part ways.
----------------------------------------------------
It was so unbelievably unfair.
The world had never been kind to either of them, whether because of Lev’s parentage or Lev’s financial struggles. As children they had had it easier, and then as they had grown older, and become more aware, everything seemed to fall apart around them. Lev’s lack of “status,” as Seth’s father had said. Seth’s own, slow awareness of how he felt about who he was attracted to. The heavy weight of expectations and anger, followed by the savage, vicious rebellion that Seth had done in running away to marry Lev, a sweet revenge against his father’s tyranny and control.
And that too, had fallen apart, because he had never meant to fall in love with Lev, and here they were, now, two years later, broken and beaten until there was nothing left.
Nothing left of Seth, at least. Lev had made something of himself, had turned his life around, and what had Seth done, exactly, in the last two years?
He’d run back to his possessions and the father he hated, and for what?
Lev’s hand had turned and now their palms were against one another’s, and he could feel the heat of Lev’s fingers against his own trembling ones. Seth stared at them, stared at the way they looked, heard the quiet rasp of Lev’s voice in his ears, a name repeated over and over again until it was all that Seth could hear.
Kolya.
Kolya.
Kolya.
He was not glad that Lev was well. He was not glad that Lev was well, because it meant that he had done just fine without Seth all those years, and it meant that he could live without Seth, could move on without being trapped in this never ending cycle of guilt and regret and shame and embarrassment.
He was drowning in it, in all of this.
Seth stood, abruptly, too fast, almost knocking things over in the process. He stumbled off of the couch, breathing heavily, and took one pace forward before he stopped again, frozen in place.
“You may - stay here,” he said, the words coming out jerky, unsteady. He was too aware of his own self. “There are spare rooms, upstairs, to rest. I need - to sleep - “
There was a moment of silence. Then Seth turned, bent down, took ahold of Lev’s face in one hand and ducked his head before he could stop himself, his lips pressing warm and firm against Lev’s cheek, just shy of his faintly stubbled jaw.
He didn’t linger. He let go and straightened, turning away before Lev could see his face.
“You can call a cab or I vill - drive you later - “
I need to get out of here.
Seth was already moving, already making for the hallway.
Guine
