BANG!

The sound of keys hitting the coffee table with added force followed the door.

Barks sounded loudly in response as a sheltie bounded from his perch on the couch to welcome his owner home.

“Reilly. Stop it!” Gwen yelled at the dog as she stormed into the apartment, stepping around her furry roommate as he leapt after her in want of attention. “Reilly. I said stop it!” The dog slowed his exuberant welcome at the red-head’s tone. A worried whine escaped him as he stood in the living room as Gwen pounded her way into the bedroom, footsteps heavy without care for her lower neighbors.

In haste she ripped off the blue polo embroidered with the name of the florist shop she worked at. The article of clothing was flung into the awaiting hamper in the corner. Shoes and pants followed the shirt followed by undergarments. Not missing a beat, Gwen departed the room and went right to the bathroom. Turning the knob of the hot water she waited until steam rolled up and out of the tub before flicking on some cold. She barely tested the water with fingers before pulling up the stoppard and turning the shower on.

Slamming the bathroom door shut, leaving a whining sheltie outside to lay there in worry, Gwen hopped into the shower and flicked the curtain closed behind her.

Hissing at the heat scalding her skin, Gwen dealt with the initial uncomfortable temperature and waited for her body to adjust. The pain of the hot water hitting her back brought a temporary relief to an overactive mind. It was something else to focus on. Something physical. It brought her to the here and now and away from all the what-ifs and self admonishments. “********.” The word slipped past her lips as she turned to face the hot onslaught. Skin reddened from the abuse, but Gwen refused to move.

She thought she could handle it. She forced herself to stand there. To breath through the pain. Accept what was and move on.

She couldn’t do it.

A hand reached out and turned the cold knob with force.

Skin hot from its abuse was quickly greeting by the opposite sensation. Cold water rained down on Gwen and she sucked in a gasp as in surprise. Hands fumbled to re-adjust the temperature as she quickly dodged out of the way of the freezing stream.

Tears began to flow freely, mixing with the droplets that had splashed onto her face.

Every day was harder. The internal struggles she face never stopped. The constant warring in her mind felt like it was slowly eroding away her sanity and Gwen wasn’t sure how much longer she could hold out.

The water turned warm again and with resignation she adjusted it to something that was comfortably tolerable. Physical discomfort wasn’t going to bring what she wanted. Nothing was going to bring it. I deserve it after all. Why shouldn’t I be miserable with myself? What do I have going for me? I live alone, have a dead end job, and the one damn thing I thought I was doing right i’ve gone and proven to myself and everyone else that I am worthless even as a Knight.

How many times had she’d almost been killed in the past because of her own idiocy? How many times had negaverse agents gotten away from her because of her ineptitude? Even after what they had done to friends and loved ones?

How much had she screwed over her life and others by even trying?

A harsh, condescending laugh echoed in the bathroom as Gwen judged herself harshly.

She had begun to lose battles. What else would explain her inability to keep herself in check? Poor Scholomance had dealt with her ire and for what reason? He hadn’t deserved her outlash but she couldn’t stop it. It has bubbled up so fast and hot that she had barely registered her outburst before it had left her mouth. She couldn’t control herself.

It was easy enough to imagine why he had cheated on her. She’d deserved it. What had she done to him to help when he needed it?

That’s right. Nothing.

That’s why I am stuck here, alone. How nice it would have been to have someone, even just a roommate to come home to. Someone who was willing to hear her woes and frustrations or just be there as a presence in her life.

Dipping her head under the stream of water, Gwen soaked her red mane. Hands slid over wet locks, making sure it was all thoroughly soaked before adding in any shampoo and conditioner.

Is there a reason I keep trying?

She couldn’t answer that question no matter how hard she tried.

Sudding up her body sponge, she made quick work of cleansing herself. Almost too quick. Once done with that she turned the water off and got out. The steam in the bathroom helped warm up the air and make it less of a displeasure to leave the shower, but goose pimples still rose across her flesh as she reached for a towel. A quick towel dry and she wrapped the soft cotton towel around herself while another was applied to her dripping hair and tied up like a turban.

A happy yipp greeted her when she opened the door but Gwen walked right past Reilly without acknowledgement and went straight to the bedroom. Grabbing one of her usual chemises, Gwen changed into it before slipping a heavy, warm robe over top. The towel on her head was pulled off and tresses were scrunched upwards to dry. Both towels joined her laundry in the corner.

With no interest in further grooming herself, Gwen bypassed running a comb through her hair or washing her face. Instead she marched back out of her bedroom and made her way to the kitchen which she lit with the flick of a switch. Reilly followed her quietly in tow and watched as Gwen grabbed the bag of dog food and deposited some of the dry kibble into a ceramic dish by the sliding glass door. That was about the extent of attention the dog was going to get before being let out before bed.

Walking over to her cupboard, Gwen didn’t even think about her motions. It had become a nightly, and even daily, habit. She reached up and grabbed a short glass from the second shelf. To the freezer she went to get a few cubes of ice to don the bottom of the glass. A light flared to life in the fridge when she opened it to retrieve a handle of bottom shelf spice rum and poured it over top of the ice.

She left the handle sitting out on the counter knowing full well that there would be more drinks to follow.

Grabbing her first drink of the night, Gwen sat down at her kitchen table, hands wrapped around the glass. She looked down at the amber liquid. The ice chinked as it shifted and melted. I am such a mess. A complete and utter mess. No wonder my life is s**t.

She lifted the glass to her lips and took a large swig of the alcohol. Her face grimaced at the initial taste, but she knew it wouldn’t be long before she wasn’t really tasting it. It was just a means to an end. A way for her to escape her inner thoughts and find a tiny bit of peace.

It was taking more and more alcohol each time.

How much longer until it wasn’t enough?

Another swig followed that thought.

She’ll have a horrible hangover in the morning. It was typical anymore. A bottle of aspirin sat beside her bed awaiting her before her plummet into fitful slumber. Another bottle awaited in her purse for the morning at work.

Tomorrow’s Saturday. The thought crossed her mind. She was off.

She drained the glass and got up to get another.

Gwen knew she’d be able to sleep the day away. She could skip her workout and waste the day away. It wasn’t like her abilities mattered, that was damn well certain. ********, perhaps she’d even skip out on another night of patrol. How many times had she gone out this week? Twice?

She couldn’t remember.

Gwen poured herself another drink.

No one would miss me anyway. It’s not like I have a real reason to be out.

Those thoughts kept repeating themselves in her mind and she chased each one with the bottom of her glass. One after another until she was sitting at her kitchen table blurrily staring down at another glass of the amber liquid. Wet hair cascading around her face as she sat with her head down.

It was taking more and more each time.

More and more.