-_Wish of Tevarae_-
It was early morning, still dark outside, when Rokhnin drifted back into consciousness. His head was on someone's lap. He didn't need to open his eyes to know whose. He'd rested his head on E'ion's lap before, back when he was a candidate, pretending it was a joke, that he was just being funny and demanding and friends, only friends. That was all they could be. But shells he'd wanted him so much back then. Where had it all gone wrong?
He opened his eyes, looking at the dark cave walls of the familiar weyr. There was no moment of confusion this time. No sudden realization. He knew exactly where he was. Just as he knew he shouldn't be here. He was breaking his promise. The one he made to himself when he swore he would never hurt him again. If he was a better man, he would push him away now, apologize, and never darken his weyr again.
Two things stopped him. First, he was pretty sure if he moved his head right now he was going to throw up. But second, he realized, finally realized, that no matter what he did it wasn't going to change E'ion's feelings. His mind had been fuzzy at the time, but Roknhin never blacked out drunk. He remembered everything that happened. The way he'd looked at him, the softness in his voice, even after everything... It was like a current he was trying to stop with his hands. Utterly futile. He was hurting him whether he stayed or not. Maybe if he stayed.. Maybe, sometimes, he could make things better too.
Nothing had changed since the last time he was here. He still didn't have a dragon, or a future, or any real career prospects. He still couldn't see past the crippling self doubt that plagued him since long before he'd aged out. He still wasn't happy. He still couldn't measure up to someone like E'ion.. All he knew was that if someone offered him a dragon right now to leave this weyr and never come back.. He didn't think he would take it.
"I'll drag you down you know." he said, quietly, not even sure if E'ion was awake. "It's no fun to be with someone who isn't happy."
