[PRP] Siberian Tears (Seren x Rhys)

[Aria Starstone]

Pao
(( note: 11 IC days later after Wake Up Calls ))
Siberia didn't feel all that different from his dorm these days, except maybe for the need for some layers of jackets and such. The days of late had blurred together. Just a string of duty and shitty cafeteria food and aching reminders of her just about everywhere he went. And it ached because he wanted her but he knew he didn't want to put her through that again. And he didn't want to go with the alternative and bring up all those memories again because that alternative meant he had to talk about everything. He wouldn't, if he could help it.

And he was helping it. For the past eleven days he'd been avoiding her, which was easy enough to do all things considered. He just signed up for obscene amounts of duty hours and kept to a single routine. Workout, duty, sleep. Food was thrown in there whenever he could make sure she wasn't anywhere near the kitchen, otherwise he snuck his plate to his dorm and just ate there. Truth be told, it was a living hell but he was dealing just fine. Better, at least, than the poor guy who he was covering for on this mission, who was dealing with some FEAR sickness of some horrible kind. And it helped with the whole avoiding thing; it'd just be him and one other person, so a lot less effort than what he'd been putting in.

Rhys headed straight inside and for one of the rooms to drop off his bag and take a few of his jackets off. Mercifully there was some kind of heating, so he could survive with just one jacket.

Aria
Seren was exhausted. She'd been sleeping terribly, unable to forget the pain in his eyes when he'd fled from her. She'd tried to find him over the next few days, but it became pretty apparent he was avoiding her. Once she realized that, she knew she'd ******** things up for good. She had no choice but to accept his wishes. After all, she'd hurt him badly, and she wouldn't ever want to do that to him again. Instead, she'd retreated. She'd done her duties, yes, the bare minimum required, and ate the bare minimum too.

If she'd had money, and a way to go get it, she'd probably have bought a lot of booze and been drinking herself under the table over and over. Instead, she just hid in her room, not coming out, not responding to anyone who tried to contact her. She just stayed locked up in there. When she'd recieved a notice she was going on to an outpost duty for some days, she'd glanced it over, and shrugged, listless. She packed clothes, got dressed, and left. She didn't note who her partner was, so when she got a notice that it'd changed, she didn't bother to check. It didn't matter. She was just there to do her duty, not make friends.

When she made it through the portal, she looked around, her usual mask on her face as best as she could manage... Which wasn't the best. Her eyes had dark circles under it, and she looked like s**t. She glanced in the doors to the side, and then... saw him. "********." Was the only word she could manage, and she spun, hoping the portal was still there.

Unfortunately, they'd closed it again. She slammed her fists into the wall for a moment, then fled to the other room, tears already forming in her eyes.

Pao
He was shrugging on his coat--the only jacket he'd be wearing in here--when he heard the expletive, to which he snorted. It was very faint and he stopped to look over his shoulder to see if whoever it was would be joining him, but when they didn't he just went back to unpacking. Everything about being here would probably be routine so he wasn't doing too much thinking, and he took his sweet time until he got settled before heading out.

In the main area there were desks huddled around a source of heat, he assumed, and there was padding along what he assumed were concrete walls with zero insulation. The layout made sense and got another snort out of him as he approached one of the desks which was completely empty except for the folders that detailed what they were supposed to be doing out here. He took one and then looked around, waiting for his partner to join him.

"Mission folder's out here on one of the desks, whenever you're ready," he called, then went to flop on a sofa near yet another source of heat. There were a lot of sources of heat here, which explained the warmth.

Aria
She was basically throwing her stuff into the provided drawers, with minimal care for her things. The only thing she was careful with was... his shirt. She hoped to the gods he wouldn't see she had it, because this was already hellish enough. If he realized she had it, he might want it back. It was all she had left of him. She tucked it under the layers she'd brought to wear to bed, figuring he wasn't likely to snoop... He'd been avoiding her, why would he snoop...? and went back to her careless unpacking.

When he spoke, she realized he didn't know yet. Either that, or he didn't care. She couldn't help wondering if he'd decided he was better off without her already, and had managed to get over it. For his sake, no matter how much that idea ripped a hole in her heart, she hoped it was true. She didn't want to think of him being miserable over her. He deserved better then her, and her ongoing curse. She wished they hadn't paired them together.

She remembered, vaguely, that he owed her a favor. She wondered if she could even get the guts up to use it. She finally finished unpacking, and stared at the door. She wondered if she could just avoid going out there, but she had to get the mission folder.

She stared at the door for at least half an hour, though she had no idea it was that long. Finally, she made a decision. She'd go out there, grab it, and retreat back to here, unless she could spot a kitchen. She knew he still couldn't cook that well, so she'd have to feed them. If she figured out what door it was, she'd run there and review the folder, then figure out what they had available to them.

At least she could do that, still, for him.

She headed out, snagged the folder, stared wildly around, and headed for the door she thought the likeliest to be the kitchen.

Pao
He'd gotten comfortable in his spot, his focus very obviously on the contents of the folder. There was all of two sheets in it with detailed instructions on outpost upkeep, supply delivery dates, and general chores that had to be done on top of actual Deus work. In this case there was some activity down by a frozen lake some miles away. There was mention of keys to snowmobiles that he assumed were parked...somewhere safe...stored in a desk that was locked behind the provided passcode.

"That's ********' stupid..." he muttered, wondering why they would write the passcode on a sheet of paper that wasn't really behind a locked door at all.

He'd gotten through most of the content when someone sort of shot into the room, and he looked up and froze for the second she was at desk. And then his chest wrenched for the rest of the time she was there until she ran off toward some door--he honestly assumed it was the kitchen but it might have been the bathroom for all either of them knew about this place. All he could really do was sit and just...look at her. No words came, just the now familiar ache of severe longing. He missed her, even more now that he finally saw her after however long.

When she was finally right at the door he managed, at least, to swallow the lump in his throat and say in probably a much too quiet voice, "Hey y--" but he cut himself a little short of what should have been the normal way he greeted her. That little phrase and a kiss...

He cleared his throat and tried again.

"Hey."

Aria
She heard the start, the start of the words he usually greeted her with. When he restarted, her fingers that weren't around the folder fisted, and she shook, a little, throwing a broken"Hi." over her shoulder before she fled through the door, tears actually finally falling down her cheek. How the ******** was she supposed to handle this for the next week or however long it was they were stuck together? She was trying not to fall down crying.

She managed not to fall. Instead, she found a small corner in between one of the cabinets and the stove, and shoved herself between them, sliding to the floor and sobbing into her knees. The universe hated her so god damn much. She really was jeoju, her parents had been right all along. She deserved this pain, but that didn't make her want it to stop. She didn't move, beyond the shaking of her shoulders from the sobbing she was doing.

She was in hell, and it was all of her own making for trying for more then she deserved.

Pao
Rhys bit down hard on his lower lip to force back whatever tears were threatening to form, and again he swallowed that lump in his throat. He took a shaky breath and moved his eyes back to the folder, doing what he could to ignore the ache and the tears that did eventually fall. And he let them; she was right there and he couldn't go to her because there was a part of him that was scared to, and a part of him that believed he didn't deserve to be able to. She was right there and she was crying and he couldn't hold her, couldn't comfort her with a hug or a kiss or both and it really hurt him to just leave her there but what could he say? Rather, and he hated himself for admitting this, but what was he willing to say? The answer was a simple, pathetic nothing and he just...was at a loss.

He wiped furiously at his cheeks a little while later, having gone over the dossier more than five times already just to give the illusion that he was working. But despite that some things about himself he really couldn't change, and when his stomach grumbled from mostly hunger and a little bit from the emotional upset he closed up the folder and took it with him into the kitchen.

He glanced around and blinked when he didn't see her. He was tempted to make a joke, maybe lighten the mood, but that just felt...wrong. So he set his folder on the counter and started rummaging through the cabinets, hoping to find some cup noodles.

Aria
She had no idea how long she'd been crying there. She had been so caught up in how much she hurt that she couldn't even process anything else. When he came in, she looked up, watching him from her little corner. It was very clear to her he couldn't see her but... maybe that was better. If he didn't know she was there, she didn't have to talk to him, or let him see what a mess she was. He'd only seen a little of her so far, with how quickly she'd run through the main room. He had no idea she looked like s**t, or that she'd lost some weight. It would be better if he didn't see...

Oh. He was hungry, and needed something to eat. Her head hit her knees, because she couldn't let him go hungry just because she was aching. She stared, silently, then finally, in a voice that was rough from not speaking much over the past 11 days, and the crying she had been doing, said "Just... go sit in the other room. I'll take care of... something..."

She slowly got up, feeling stiff and achey, like an old woman. She kept her head hanging low, trying to use her hair to hide behind. Even her hair looked dull, she realized, because she hadn't been putting the normal amount of care into it that she did. She hoped he wouldn't notice. She hoped he'd just go back into the other room.

She hoped she'd fall ill so they'd have to port her back.

She hoped she'd have the courage to ask him why.

Pao
There was a very visible pause when she spoke, not because she spoke but because of how she sounded--very rough and very tired. He gripped the cabinet's handle just a little bit tighter as his chest tightened again, knowing he'd been the one to cause some, if not all of that. He bit his lip again and took another breath before glancing over at her and really seeing her for the first time in so many days. He could swear his heart just shattered at the sight and it took everything he had to not go over there and pull her into his arms, where he hoped she would feel safe and loved again. Because he did, he loved her and he knew it and never once denied it over the past nearly two weeks. And because he loved her he didn't want to hurt her again, and so he went in a stupid little circle. Wanting to be with her but finding reasons to not be with her because he believed it was for her sake as much as it was for his.

Because he loved her he noticed every little change, every bit of damage he'd caused that night.

"I.." he started to say, and then he closed the cabinet and grabbed the nearby folder, defeat weighing down his shoulders. "Just...call if you need my help..."

It was as desperate a chance to be with her as their last kiss was, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything more or to demand that she let him help. No, he was a little too much of a coward to do that, so after just one last look at her he left the room. In the next room over he dropped the folder onto one of the desks, and looked at the padding on the walls for a second before he punched it...many times over.

Aria
She saw his pain, and her heart twisted, feeling like she had literally taken it out and turned it in her hands... And at the same time, like she'd stabbed knives through it. Every second of his pain made her hate herself more. She should never have tried to become close to him. She should have found a way to keep him at arm's length, so he'd never be hurt by her. No one deserved to be close to a jeoju, but even more then anyone else, he didn't. If he had never come to... to care for her, he'd not be hurting right now.

It was her fault, all her fault. She didn't know how to fix it.

It hit her, in someways. Maybe... Maybe she could do them both a favor. She could find out what happened... Make him talk, make him bleed the poisonous memories out. She walked over to the cabinet, hazy with thought. She began to pull out the ingredients for pasta, a simple recipe so that she could think while she worked.

He'd probably hate her for using her favor this way. That didn't matter, in the long run. If he hated her, well... It would be no worse then how things were now. In fact, it'd be better because he'd be able to move on, even if she never would... And she would know he wouldn't look at her with pain for how she felt... But most importantly, he'd have talked. He'd get it out, he'd be forced to deal with his memories outloud.

It was a cruel plan, perhaps, in the short term, but in the long term, it would help.

And she could at least help carry the burden of his pain, knowing he'd at least had the chance to tell some one.

After the pasta was cooked, she served up a large plate for him, and a tiny one for herself. She knew if she tried to eat more, she'd just vomit it back up all over the floor, so better to stick to this... But she also knew he'd probably have issues if she didn't at least try to eat. She set them on the table in the kitchen and called, just loud enough for him to hear her, "It's ready..."

Pao
A lot of him had gone numb from the moment he stepped out of the kitchen until he heard her call out that the food was ready. Thankfully his hands were not one of those things, and he felt every painful point of contact between his fist and the padding on the wall. It was just his luck that the padding wasn't the soft kind, and by the time she had called out to him his knuckles were already bleeding. The physical pain still didn't trump the emotional, though, and with a sigh he took that as a sign that he should probably try something else.

"Be right there," he called back, though he also took his time to find the bathroom and wash the blood off of his hands. When he finally got back to the kitchen he was silent, and his hands were in his pockets. No sense in really making her worry about him now; he didn't deserve it, really, and he was forcing himself to believe that that was okay with him.

With a sigh he took a seat, eyes focused on their plates and the vastly different portions. Was it even within his rights to ask? To still worry? Because he was worried, and he looked up at her, concern behind an emotionless mask. He had to clear his throat to make sure his voice didn't break because he really just wanted to break down and let himself go to her, and then he very quietly said, "Thanks," before picking up his fork and eating.

And it was hard not to choke on his food, because every single memory of eating the food she made him sort of just rushed him. He was almost shaking with the effort he had to put in to keep those tears from falling right in front of her, each bite as delicious as it was agonizing to remember.

Aria
She waited quietly, in the seat across from his plate, wondering what was taking him. Usually he was right there when she had the food ready. Maybe he wanted to avoid seeing her again? She couldn't blame him, but.. She'd made up her mind. It might be a terrible plan but she had decided and she was going to see it through. She took slow, steadying breaths, trying not to give in to the urge to panic, or cry some more.

When he finally came in, she watched him, eyes distant as she pondered her plan. She was going to wait until he'd eaten, at least. She didn't want him to choke because she asked while he ate. She picked up her own food, and quietly worked her way through her small plate. She ate methodically, not tasting it, not looking like she even noticed the food she put in her mouth. It was sustenance, and it was just there to keep the body going, no more.

She saw his pain when he was eating, and it hurt her, hurt her inside because she wanted to go around the table and hold him, tell him she loved him, tell him she was sorry for hurting him. She didn't say any of that. She just finished her food, then put the plate in the sink.

She'd do the dishes later, once she'd hurt him again.

She sat back down, waiting while he ate, waiting until he'd finished everything, but before he would get a chance to flee, she said "You owe me a favor. I'm calling it in." She looked him right in the eyes, and said "If you hate me for it, I'm sorry. But this needs to be dealt with. So, for the favor you owe me... I want you to ******** talk to me honestly about..." She paused, her hands waving in the air. They trembled, hard, but they were full of the confusion and emotions she was enduring just to try to make him speak to her, get it out. "Everything that caused this. What happened that caused that panic, why you fled... all of it. Because obviously, keeping it a secret hasn't helped you."

Pao
He really was about to fall apart by the time he was finished eating, so he got up and set his plates in the sink before going straight for the door. He couldn't...deal with things like this. Avoidance had always been his skill, perfected over years and years of therapy that hadn't worked but pretending just well enough to make the doctors believe that it had so that they would just leave him alone. It was what he used to deal with more serious, more pressing issues. Issues like his past, that he never wanted to think about, never mind talk about. So when she spoke again and mentioned that favor that she fairly won weeks ago, and said that she was calling it in and then said that the favor would be for him to talk he just about lost his footing. And he was standing stalk still the entire time.

He didn't know how long he stood there, eyes fixed on hers not in a challenging way but more pleading. This wasn't what he wanted to do. This wasn't what he wanted her to use her favor on. She was wrong; keeping it a secret worked perfectly fine until he met her, and before he knew it he couldn't keep himself from drawing that line he always, without fail, drew before he event went out with a girl who was interested in him. But he didn't blame her for it, he just wanted her to understand how it all worked in his head. When it became clear to him that she wasn't going to take it back and back off he swallowed that lump again.
Before he even got a word out his eyes were already clouding up, his lip curled and his expression absolute misery. "What exactly do you want me to tell you, Seren?" he started, quietly, though his voice gradually got louder. "Huh? How much of it do you wanna hear? Do you want all the details or just a little? You want dates? I got some of those, too." And his voice cracked, trembled as he forced himself to keep going because he promised her that favor. "Hard to forget those 'victory parties' that that sick ********' b*****d pulled me aside for everytime we won a game." The tears streams down his cheeks, his brokenness a little more out in the open now.

"You wanna know many games we won? How many times I got kept behind for some 'special training' bullshit? 'Cause I can tell you all of that. I can tell you what he did and how he did it and for how long. I remember every ********' detail, Seren...and you just..."

Aria
His reaction was just about what she expected. Probably what she deserved, too, because she was making him do this, she was making him hurt. But he needed this, she could see it in the way he was reacting. All he'd done to himself was bury his pain in deeper, and make it a never ending misery for himself. She sat back, eyes sad as he began to snap and yell, and tremble. His words ******** hurt, because she could tell how much they hurt him, but she refused to let him go, let him just try to bury it again.

"If you have to tell me that, then tell me. But you clearly have kept this in too long, if this is what being asked to talk about it does to you." Her words were laced with grief for him, grief for the pain he'd felt, for what he'd endured. "I wish I could find that sick b*****d and kill him. I can't do that. All I can do is let you yell and scream and tell me what happened, in whatever way makes you get it the ******** out."
Part of her acknowledged a hint of hypocrisy in this, because she'd certainly never talked to anyone about her back, or her being jeoju, but in the end, she wasn't doing this for herself. She was doing this because he needed it, and the hate he would surely feel for her after was simply her just rewards for being jeoju. "Obviously he assaulted you, and obviously it was sexual... Rhys, you know you didn't deserve it, didn't earn it right?" She hoped to all the gods that he didn't blame himself.

"I just what, Rhys? Hate seeing you try to hide all of this when I can see it's tearing you the ******** apart? Ache for the pain I could see in your eyes that night? Hate myself for causing you to feel that pain again?" Ah ********, she hadn't meant to say that last part.. Perhaps she could distract that bit, and just keep going. "Rhys... There is so little I can do for you. I ******** love you, and seeing you like this kills me. If you hate me for making you do this, I can live... as long as you get it out."

Wait. ********. She hadn't meant to say she loved him ******** wasn't going the way she planned at all.  

[Aria Starstone]

Pao
A lot of what she said made sense, it really did, but mostly because he'd heard it all before and none of it worked. None of the talking had mattered or made a difference. He still had the nightmares and he still couldn't figure out how to keep the triggers from just going off whenever someone--anyone, really--touched him a little too low. The context didn't ever matter, it just was wha it was and he learned to fight through it in his own way. He survived and that was the point, that was a point of pride for him. Because he survived and he got past it and figured out how he could live his life. Having to carry this around was a small issue compared to getting stuck in it completely and never moving forward in life in any capacity.

He wiped at his cheeks again, though there really wasn't point in doing that given that the tears were coming at a very steady stream. Her words cut pretty deep because he saw how much he'd hurt her and, judging by at least one thing she just said, how much she'd turned a lot of that blame onto herself and yet he was rooted in his spot, content to let some silence settle after her words. He didn't know what to say next but he could tell she wasn't backing down. Again he wasn't sure how long he stood there, waiting, hoping that she would, but ultimately that effort ended in frustration and he took it out on the wall just next to him. Just a few punches, but hard enough that the concrete chipped beneath his knuckles. Soon after that he calmed down, and another quiet settled for however long.
And then he started by saying, "I was 10 when it first happened..." and he went from there, almost on autopilot. He pretended like he was on the couch in a therapist's office, just regaling them with his middle school horror stories. He never looked at her and his voice was completely devoid of emotions as he recounted three terror-filled years with more detail than she probably needed but he laid it bare. Just like she wanted. When he was done he couldn't look up because he knew he probably looked like hell, and even though she'd already seen him cry he still didn't want her to see his face now.

There was shame there. And hurt. And guilt. Too much of all of these that he didn't want her to see.

Aria
She watched him, waiting silently, prepared to wait forever, if needed, to get him to speak. Her eyes were hooded, though, because she didn't know what emotions she was showing, or how they might effect him at this point. When he punched the wall, she couldn't help it, she flinched in response, unable to fight that years old instinct that angry men meant pain in her life. After all, she was hurting him. She probably deserved pain, but she was still scared.

And if he were to hit her, here and now, she would take it. Because she deserved it.

When he started speaking, though, her heart broke for him, over and over with every word. All she wanted was to either hold him and make it go away, or go find that b*****d and make him pay... The second was perhaps a little stronger, because the idea of him still being out there and maybe doing this to more little boys horrified her. But she could only sit here, listen, and do her best to be here for him, even if it led to more pain in the long run for her.

Nothing he said, though, earned judgement from her, or any sign that she blamed him. When he stopped speaking, she waited to see if he'd look up. When he didn't, she did the only thing that occured to her to do. She stood up, and quietly walked over to him, then knelt before him, gazing up into his face. Her expression showed no judgement, just sorrow for his pain, the love she still very much felt for him, and her incredible desire to do anything she could to help him. She had no idea if she could do anything but if she could, she would. She'd give him all of herself if she could help him heal.

"You never were to blame for this. You were never at fault. That sick ******** should never have been allowed near children. You deserved so much better then that, Rhys. And you're stronger then this pain. You can get past it. You are so strong, I've seen it all this time in you. Don't let this keep you down, hold you back from the life you deserve to live."

Pao
It took a while for her words to sink in. He'd heard them so often before from the people who seemed concerned but he could just tell there was some hidden agenda, like they wanted him on a list of successes or failures of therapeutic techniques they were studying. No one ever really seemed that concerned about him, not really. His coaches were probably the closest, but rather than talk they helped him cope by working him hard on the field and in the gym. But when those same words came from her he heard the sincerity behind them, genuine concern. No shaming, no judging, no blaming...just love. She loved him. She'd said it earlier but he thought it might have been a mistake, like she got too into the moment. But it was quiet now and that clearly wasn't the case.

He looked down at her, unable to hide now that she was kneeling and looking up at him, and honestly not wanting to hide from her anymore. She obviously wouldn't let him, either, because there she was, and maybe fate played a little part in pushing the two of them together when they'd been set on a path that would otherwise have let them drift completely apart. Tears welled up again as he looked straight into her eyes. "I never blamed me," he said quietly, "I blamed him and pretty much everyone else so I just shut 'em all out. If no one gets close, if I don't have to rely on anyone else, then I won't get hurt again. That was how I survived."
And he flashed back to their first meeting and wondered how they went from there to here. When exactly did he let her in? Did she say something? Do something, maybe? Was it because she sought him out during his annual hellish weekend? Or because she fed him? Was it because for the first time in his life she made him feel cared for, at first in just a friendly capacity but eventually more? All these questions and more ran through his mind but he couldn't come up with any kind of difinitive answer. All he knew was that she was there, fighting to help, fighting for him.

"It worked pretty well through high school and a couple years after, and then I met you." Despite the tears that fell when he said those words he couldn't help but smile. With that smile came a little clarity, too, and he sighed and wiped at his cheeks again. "And then all that got shot to hell."

Aria
She watched his reactions to her words, her eyes still filled with the emotions she was feeling, though she managed to keep the self loathing out of them, she hoped. All she was, all she could do for him, she was willing to give him if it helped him. When he said he didn't blame himself, she smiled, if a touch weakly, glad to know that he, at least, didn't have the aching gulf of self blame and guilt inside his heart for what had happened to him.

She felt a twist inside, remembering her promise to herself to never let anyone in again, remembering how she tried to harden herself so that no one could ever hurt her again. Instead she had let him in, and was willingly letting her heart ache with the need to help him no matter the cost. She just made a soft oath, inside, that once he'd realized how awful she was for doing this to him, that she would let no one in again past the needs of duty.

His words about 'meeting her', accompanied with a smile, had her heart beating hard with a hope she wanted to kill, because surely he would... Ahhh and there it was. She had shot his coping mechanism to hell, and then forced him to talk. Surely that was confirmation of her fears being justified. She dropped her gaze, so he wouldn't be able to see the pain that thought caused her, trying to figure out what to say to that. Finally, she could only whisper "I'm sorry I made things harder for you." She was mentally preparing herself for giving him all the space he needed while he was trapped with her.

Pao
When she broke eye contact he almost flinched, his chest tight again. He could have sworn he saw a little bit of hope swirling in those beautiful blue eyes of hers, hope drowning in loneliness and self-loathing. And when she did look away he froze again, eyes narrowed as he watched and waited for her to maybe do or say something more. It wasn't much of a wait but the words came she said just caused his chest to tighten a little bit more.

"It was shot to hell and I couldn't stop it," he continued his thought, wondering if there was anything he could say to help her see that whatever he'd lost was so small compared to what she meant to him. The fact that he was struggling now was because he very desperately wanted to be with her, and while he could have avoided her for forever she fought for him, for them, first and it made him want to fight, too. "And I didn't wanna stop it 'cause before I realized that my old ways were shot to hell I was already in love with you and there wasn't any realistic way of going back to what I knew before I met you..."

Aria
She was trying to convinced herself it was time to let him be free of her presence when he said he was in love with her. She froze, completely still, trying to process those words. Did... did he truly mean those words? Didn't he hate her, for doing this to him? Surely he must, because who would want to love someone who had so actively forced them to open up their pain? But she couldn't deny the words, and what he said.

She looked back up, confusion, pain and a complete lack of belief that he could still possibly love her on her face... Disbelief at herself, and any value she had to the world, but yet the hope was back, tearing at her like a dog tears at meat, pulling her to pieces. She just gazed up into his eyes, shaking softly with everything she was trying to contain inside herself.

He was so close, so close and yet in her mind the gulf between them, between her tearing hopes and reality, was immense. She didn't know what to do, what to say.

Pao
When she looked back up he saw all of her emotions just staring right back up at him, and in his eyes she looked about as desperate as he felt. He wanted to pull her up and just hold her for however long, he wanted to know the right words to say to reassure her that he meant what he just said and that he'd repeat it as many times as she needed to hear it if it helped her believe him. "And earlier you said I hated you," he started to say, his face scrunching up briefly when the bridge of his nose started to tingle again, and tears started to p***k the corners of his eyes.

"I don't hate you, Seren. I just said it, I ********' love you. Can't even believe I figured that out but there it is, and I'll say it again if you need me to..."

He swallowed the lump in his throat and wiped at his eyes, not wanting the tears to start falling again. This was the first time he'd ever tried to put the pieces of his broken life back together, and this time because he wanted to give all of himself to just one other person he knew he couldn't leave anything out. Leaving this part of his life behind, or learning to really deal with it rather than just shove it aside like he'd been doing for so many years of his life, was gonna be hard. A growing pain, and one that he knew would still affect them both because they would have to keep talking things out, keep working on it as often as it came up. It was gonna be ongoing process and it was gonna suck but he was more than willing to give it his all if she stayed with him.

Aria
She listened, frozen in shock as he spoke. When he said he did love her, in a way she couldn't believe was past tense, she blinked, once, twice, lips parting, forming a ragged o shape as she tried to process this. He didn't hate her? How could he not hate her after all of this? Surely she deserved his hatred, for all she'd done to make him hurt.

But he didn't, he loved her and... It was so much to take in, after being convinced she was going to be hated and never get to feel him close again. She kind of gave a gasp of confusion, and sort of collapsed forwards, so that her head rested against his legs, unable to do much more. She was so overwhelmed, and yet there was joy beginning to fill her because he loved her.

And there was also the fear of her status as jeoju. Did he truly deserve to be caught up with some one who was just a living curse. "How c... can you love me? I'm a curse..." She whispered, pain in her voice.

Pao
For a little bit it felt like they'd just gotten over a hurdle, when he saw bits of realization break through the mix of emotions that had been written all over her face just moments earlier. He smiled very weakly, down at her...and then she fell forward and it was like they just hit another hurdle. Slowly he knelt down, a hand on her shoulder as he helped her sit up straight so he could properly look at her now.

Every detail about her changed a little for the worse since the last time he saw her, which made him frown but he knew it was all surface and very fixable. What mattered more was what was going on inside, and when she questioned him, when she called herself a curse, he felt his heart fracture all over again. If she'd been willing to help him, now it was his turn. Gently he placed a hand on her other shoulder as well and met her eyes, all seriousness in his gaze.

"That's bullshit," he said softly, "and ******** the piece of s**t who told you that lie. I said this before, that you're my lucky charm. Pretty much everything in my life got better once you came into the picture. I can sleep through most nights, for one. I eat better, I'm *reading and that's just a ********' miracle. You encourage and support me in everything that I do, and put up with all the random texts when I get bored." He snorted at that last one because of how true it was and how often it happened.

"Babe, you...you're not a curse. And to be perfectly honest, even if you were--and you're not--I'm pretty sure I'd still love you anyway."

Aria
She didn't fight him when he encouraged her to sit up, her eyes still thick with their confusion at all of this, trying to keep her eyes downcast, but she couldn't , not for long, when he began to speak. She stared, his words ringing through her head, and confusing her more. 16 years of being told she was a curse... two of silence... and now this, and she didn't know how to cope with it.

Because, after all, his words made sense, in a way. If she really had helped him with those things, and it meant that much to him, it obviously wasn't the actions of a curse. And she really wanted to believe that this was the truth. He had never lied to her, before, so why would he now? Especially with so much riding on this, given that he loved her. Her eyes were focused on his now, and every bit of her confusion was written across her face.

Who to believe? The parents who'd given birth to her, or the man she loved so very much? She wanted to believe him, and she was trying to make 16 years of 'Jeoju, get up here!' being screamed at her go away.

Finally, she said "But you've known me for so short a time, Rhys... My parents knew me from the day I was born... Born on the wrong day, born the wrong gender... Surely..." As she spoke, one of her hands slid up and over her shoulder, to rest on the upper edges of her scarred back, in a way that was very clearly subconcious. "Surely after 16 years they had evidence...?"

Pao
The hurt and uncertainty were still there, plain to see in her eyes and all over her face. For a second he faltered, wondering if he was the right person to be doing this, if he even had what she needed to help pull her out of that outright lie that she'd been fed for 16 years of her life. For a second he had no idea what to say or what to do, but the love he felt for her made him want to keep pushing that button. He wanted to prove her parents wrong and to show her that they were absolutely wrong about her. He sighed when he saw her hand move toward her scars.

Gently, very gently he took both of her hands into his as he held her gaze."And how long have you known me? But you said that I was strong and that I deserved better and that I can get past it. Well, I can see it in you, too. I see your strength and your heart and how hard you work and I know you can get past this. Far as I can tell your parents were assholes that knew jackshit about you, and if they could do that to you then as far as I'm concerned they're as bad as the b*****d that did this to me."

And he let her hands go and cupped her cheeks as he moved a little bit closer so their eyes were level. He looked long and deep, hoping to find that little bit of her that believed what he was saying. "Believe me, please," he whispered, eyes quietly pleading. "You're not a curse, you're not unwanted, and you're not unloved. I'm right here and I'm telling you straight up, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me; and I don't just want you, I need you; and I love you. You hear me?"

Aria
His hands holding hers were like an anchor, a lifeline that she desperately needed in ths moment. Her fingers gripped his hands, tightly, and she looked right back into those green eyes she loved so much, shaking, but desperate to be convinced, to believe that she wasn't a curse. She felt like she was choking on all of these emotions, and she was having trouble breathing.

But she was listening, and listening well to everything he said to her. Every word he said was ringing through her mind, beautiful and strange and sweet. When he called her parents assholes, her eyes closed for a minute, aching with the memory of just wanting them to love her and the knowledge they never would. But when he continued, her eyes opened again, and she found herself licking her lips, because they felt dry in her nervous state.

She almost whimpered, almost but not quite, when he let go of her hands, but the feeling of his hands on her face instead was almost as comforting. Her own slid up to gently grip his wrists, not pulling, just needing something to hold onto. His last little speech had her freezing up again, not in disbelief but just in trying to accept this, let it win over the words she could still hear being screamed at her from years ago... And then a hint of her willfullness, her determination managed to wake up, and she clung to those words in her mind, and her eyes filled with both hope, and tears.

She couldn't help it, she began to cry again. These tears, however, were a mix of relief, joy, and purely purging all that pain she was feeling. "I... Rhys... I love you. I love you so much." Was all she could manage to say.

Pao
He watched and waited patiently for her to process what he was saying, and he knew that she might need more time and more reassurance and more reminders every single day if this wasn't enough. And even if it was he'd be doing that anyway, because he did love and he wanted her to hear it as often as she felt it in his actions. So he waited, breathing deep as he looked into her eyes, a steady presence as she fought down whatever inner thoughts were still plaguing her and keeping her from pushing past her parents' lies. And when those tears started falling he inwardly panicked, for a second, until she said those words and relief just...poured over him.

He leaned in close, resting his forehead against hers, again driving home the very real fact that he missed her. He missed being close to her and being able to hold her and just be with her, and now that he was with her he felt a determination rise up to never let anything keep him from being with her ever again.

"I love you, too, Seren," he whispered right back, his lips curling into a small, small smile as tears streamed down his cheeks as well. "I love you..." and he said it a few more times as they sat there, in tears but better for the struggle, for a little while longer.

Aria
As they sat there, crying together, eventually her hands let go of his wrists, and just wrapped around him, holding onto him like he was an anchor, keeping her locked down in the here and now. And in some ways, he was for her in that moment, because nothing else mattered more then feeling him there with her, after those days of the aching gulf, the empty space on her bed.

Every time he said he loved her, she gave a half sob, half laugh of joy, unable to speak still. It took time for her to be able to calm down enough to speak. She lost track of how long, honestly. All she knew was she finally felt calmer, and the tears were slowing down, which was good. Her cheeks felt raw, and painful from all the crying. She knew her cheeks must look horrible and red, but then she'd looked awful for days, so what did it matter?

She took a few slow, trembling breaths, then slowly leaned her head to just softly kiss him, whispering "I love you" just before her lips touched his, for the first time in days, wanting to taste him again. She'd missed him so much, missed all of him, and this was part of the reconnection. She didn't want to move, because she might have to let go. She also kind of wanted off of this floor, but anything that made her let go wasn't acceptable in her mind right then.

Pao
Whenever she reacted to those three words he'd been holding back for weeks he couldn't help but smile, tears still steadily falling as he pulled her in closer. Tears of happiness this time, rather than hurt and frustration and anger, and he was content to let them fall until they ran out. He was content to stay there with her for however long until one of them decided that they should probably get off the floor. It wouldn't be him, though, at least not anytime soon; he didn't want to do anything that involved even remotedly letting her go. And that feeling was anchored as soon as she whispered those words again and her lips met his.

It was soft but he knew the meaning behind it and returned it just as softly, with as much love as he could manage to express in such soft, tender kisses. He leaned in a little closer, reveling at the taste of her as those kisses grew a little more desperate, expressed a little more of the longing they'd been buried under for almost two weeks. Two weeks without seeing her, without touching or holding or kissing her.

When he paused for a little bit of air he pulled back, enough that he could look into her eyes, love and adoration very bright and present in his own, and he sighed. "I missed you," he whispered, tears prickling his eyes as he thought about all those days and nights that had gone to waste. It was time he couldn't bring back, but he was determined to make it never happen again if he could help it. "I really missed you," he said again, giving an amused little huff before he said those words again. "I love you."

Aria
She shivered, just a little, feeling all of the emotions he was putting into the kisses they were sharing. She responded with her own desperation, longing, and the simple joy of being in his arms again. There was nothing better in the world at this moment then this, and if everything literally exploded, she would have died happily knowing he loved her. The fact that nothing horrible did happen, despite her finding the brightest happiness she'd ever known helped cement his words that she wasn't a curse in her mind.

She gazed back into his eyes, and when she saw tears again, she reached up gently to wipe them away herself, not wanting him to cry anymore. "I missed you too, so very much." She kissed his lower lip, softly, and said "All I wanted was you back at my side. I'm so glad you're here. I love you." She shifted, a little, though, despite not wanting to move. On the positive side, she shifted closer to him. On the negative side, her a**... was getting kind of numb from the not very comfortable floor.

After a few more minutes of just holding him and giving him gentle kisses, though, she had to give in. She gave a deep sigh, and said "Babe... I... don't want to let go. At all... But I have to get up. My a** is numb and it's not a comfortable feeling." She was blushing a little at admitting that, and wondered in the back of her head how horribly red she looked.

Pao
Her words and the way she wiped his tears away just helped him wrap around his head the fact that he very much was in love with this woman, so when she moved in closer he welcomed her with open arms. He was happy to just sit there for however long with her, physical discomfort not really phasing him in the middle of the bliss and happiness. While they shared more kisses her words just rang in his ears, not unlike a sweet little tune he put on repeat to playback for the rest of forever.

When she eventually pulled away he blinked at what she said and how red she was when she said it, and then snorted. "Whatever you need, babe," was his reply, and then he stole just one more kiss before moving to get up. Unlike her, his a** wasn't too numb, and when he was up he held his hand out to her. When she took it he helped her up, and without warning moved to pick her up, princess carry style.

Aria
She leaned into that last kiss before he stood, and gratefully accepted his hand, because it was easier to get up with assistance, especially with a numb a**. She had been planning to just twine her fingers with his and coax him into the other room with her. She had not planned on being scooped up like that, and she made a startled "eek!" and then blushed again, her arms sliding to wrap around his shoulders.

She gazed up at him, and despite the surprise and startlement he'd caused her, she smiled lovingly and shifted, very carefully, in his arms so she could rest her head against his shoulder. She was safe in his arms, she knew that. He was strong enough, and he loved her, and she knew he'd never drop her. It was the most wonderful feeling. It made her feel small, but not in a bad way. She did hope he didn't notice how light she was. She knew she was underweight, especially right now. She didn't want that spoiling their happiness right now.

She knew she needed to deal with it, though.

Pao
He did notice that she was maybe a little too far on the lighter side, but with everything they'd just worked through he figured it'd be another talk for another time. So he tucked that away and focused on her and the way she felt, just leaning into him like that, trusting that he wouldn't drop her or hurt her in any other way. He puffed a little bit inside and smiled right back, and when she was comfortably settled in his arms he walked them out of the kitchen and into the living room, where he paused for a second to weigh their options. Because there was no way in hell they'd be getting any kind of work done anytime soon.

"Couch or bed?" he asked, blinking at the couch because it was closer, and then turning to look at the door leading into the room with her stuff in it because it was closer than the other room. "We'll catch up with work tomorrow."

Aria
She looked up, and around, considering for a moment, then said "Bed, please? I don't want to fall asleep out here..." Despite the joy of finally having him back, she was still very tired. She didn't honestly know how many hours of sleep she'd gotten since that night, and now that she was in his arms and safe? Her body was definitely calling in that bill. She might even be properly hungry tomorrow, and able to eat real, if small, meals. First, however, she needed sleep, and if he had been having nights like hers, she suspected he might need it too.

She tilted her head up to press a soft kiss to his cheek, and said "I think we both need to sleep, too..." Echoing her thoughts out loud, and also wondering if he was right. "I haven't had a proper night's sleep since... that night... And I just want to sleep in your arms again." Sleep in the arms of the man she loved... What a piece of heaven she was being granted. Her... boyfriend, maybe? She still didn't know what to call this, other then that she loved him, and she knew, now, he loved her too. Maybe labels didn't matter. She was his, as long as he wanted her, and that's all that mattered to her.

Pao
"Bed, then," he said with a little nod. He hadn't done a whole lot of sleeping either, so the suggestion was one he fully supported. As light as she was, the exhaustion had been slowly catching up to him so he was getting more tired, more quickly. So after she kissed him, which did a whole lot to brighten up his expression, he headed for her room. When she mentioned wanting to sleep he nodded again, smile going a little lopsided.

"Two, three hours a night if I got lucky? That or no sleep at all because of nightmares," he said, confirming that he did need to catch up on his sleep just like her. And with a sheepish sort of look he went on, "Lot of that time was spent kinda staring at your picture." He flashed back to those nights for a second and heaved a sigh as he opened the bedroom door. "Anyway, now that we're here we can catch up together. They'll have to pry me off of you, I ********' swear."

At that he grinned and made his way to the bed, gently setting her down before shrugging his coat and scarf off and tossing them aside. And then he flopped onto the bed, all smiles as he realized yet again that he was in love with her. The revelation was...insane...mainly because he never thought he'd ever get to this point with anyone, but there he was. There they were.

With a smile he opened his arms wide to give her as much room as he could possibly give her to snuggle in close.

Aria
She couldn't resist nuzzling him a little as he carried her to the room she'd taken. She couldn't ever remember being carried by anyone in her life, not even as a child, and this was an incredible feeling. Safe, warm, and feeling like she belonged where she was? Amazing. She watched him with the softest look on her face as he carried her.

His words regarding his own lack of sleep made her look sad... And then she blinked, slowly, processing his comment about her picture. "You... have a picture of me?" She tilted her head, gazing into his eyes, curiously. "When... did you get a photo of me? I... remember you asking for one, and I certainly gave you permission, but I don't actually remember you doing so." She found herself wondering about the one she had, should she tell him?

The next comment, however, had her chuckling softly. "Mmm as long as we get duties done, and keep up with eating and all... I don't mind you needing to be pryed off of me. I like having you close."

When he set her down, she carefully lifted her feet to toe off her shoes, leaving the socks on because who the ******** knew how cold these rooms could get? She then pulled coat and scarf off, and dropped them off the end of the bed, smiling at him as he joined her. This was so much better then she'd ever thought this outpost duty could go. A week alone with the man she loved? Sure it was work, but it was bliss.

She slid right into his arms, cuddling in as close as she could get, her eyes closing as soon as she was back in his arms. Where she belonged.

Pao
It wasn't until they were snuggled up that he chose to address the picture issue, though for a while he just kept his focus on her. The fact that they were together and how perfectly right it felt, how he knew he belonged right there, beside her and in her arms...it was an amazing thing to feel. He'd never felt like he really belonged anywhere, at least not in this kind of way. Deus was...a step in the right direction; it gave him a chance to get out of his old life as well as purpose. And now he was even more sure that it was one of the best decisions he'd ever made because it was here that he met her and everything just felt...right.

He nuzzled into her hair and hugged her close, as close as their bodies would really allow, and gradually he felt the exhaustion of the past 11 days really catch up to him. There was a part of him that wanted to cry knowing that sleep would actually come and he woldn't be lying awake at night, wondering about how she was doing or what she was doing. And he didn't have to stared at a picture, either.

"Oh, yeah," he murmured, eyes already heavy as he reached down and pull his phone out of his pocket. "I snuck on once when you had that cute concentration face on." He quickly navigated to her contact information, since it was her icon, and showed her. "This was my lifeline every night since that night. Not sure what I would have done without it."

With that he leaned in and kissed her forehead softly, eyes close as he was again a little overwhelmed by the fact that she was in his arms again. He still couldn' believe it, but looking back on just the past few hours since they arrived he knew that they both got over hurdles to make it to this point.

Aria
Feeling his face in her hair just made her smile, though it drooped a little, knowing it wasn't it's usual soft and silky self. She was where she belonged, she really was. Every moment in his arms, every thing he did since he'd picked her up, confirmed it just a little more to her. And to know she would be sleeping here, with him, made her feel so much more relaxed.

His words, though, earned him a confused look, even if he couldn't see it with his head on hers like that. "Cute... concentration face?" She had no idea what he meant, but when he shifted to show her, she stared at the photo, eyes wide. "Wait, I make that face when I'm concentrating? I look so stupid..." She was red faced now, as she stared at that. "I... do I do that in public, or just... just around you?"

She then sighed and whispered, shyly, "I... have one of you too... From the night we watched scary movies..." She pulled her phone out, and showed him his contact, which was the photo of him, asleep and cuddled with her pillow.

Pao
It was hard not to laugh at her reaction, particularly because she turned red again. He shrugged, though, as he put his phone away. "You do make that face when you're all focused; it's pretty ********' cute so I stole the shot." There was another chuckle as that memory flashed back, and then he nuzzled into her again, not even noticing that her hair wasn't the same texture as usual. "I dunno if you do it in public, babe, but you've done it around me a couple of times already."

And then his brows went up pretty high when she 'fessed up to her own stolen shot. He looked down, face scrunched up in a confused expression as he looked to see what she had. "We're two pease in a ********' pod," he said, now relaxed and very much amused as he went back to nuzzling. "I got a shot of a sleeping you, too. It's on my laptop, I'll show you when we get back."

Aria
She was still very red in the face when he said that. "I really hope it's only around you. To me, at least, I look ridiculous." She brushed her fingers along her cheek, trying to get them to cool off, and make the blushing stop. "But if you like it, I'm glad you saw it. You do think the oddest things about me are cute." She tilted her head a little, and gave his neck a soft kiss, not wanting to disturb their comfortable position anymore.

She blinked and couldn't help actually properly laughing when he admitted to his photo of her asleep. "Well... I'll also admit... I managed to get a paper copy of mine." She was red cheeked again. "I ran into that little adorable oddball student Toki again... Long story short, she photographed the screen and gave me the photo." She paused, then slowly added "I... also have your... shirt you left in my room." She went as red as she had ever done, and whispered "I was... the only way I got any sleep in the past week was to hold it while I slept..."

Pao
He smiled wide at the kiss, and even wider still when she laughed. It'd been so long since he heard it but it was still as sweet as he remembered. He chuckled while shaking his head at mention of that weird student that snapped that photo of them at the Haunted House, and he had to wonder how Seren managed to run into her again...and he couldn't help the flare of worry when he thought about her in the Haunted house on her own. But he forced himself to reign those thoughts in, not because he didn't think they couldn't talk about it but because he knew he shouldn't ask her to not do her job. Exploring the Haunted House was part of that, and there were other missions more dangerous than running into something there.

So another conversation for another time. Right now he wanted to focus on just being happy and content right there with her.

When she mentioned his shirt he couldn't not sigh, eyes closing as he gave her a little squeeze. "Well I'm here now so I'll just take that shirt back and you can hold onto me," he said quietly, a pang of guilt about running off that night coursing through him. After a beat he whispered, "I'm sorry about that night, by the way. I shouldn't have left you like that."

Aria
She gazed up into his eyes, lost in the green, thinking vaguely she'd found a new favorite color. As she did, she considered his words, for a long silent moment, then finally said "I think we both have things we're sorry for from that night." She was quietly serious in her words, one of her hands sliding to rest against his shoulder, massaging gently. "And please don't tell me I don't have anything to be sorry for. If it's true or not, I feel I do, and that's not going to change, babe. Anyways. My point is I forgive you, I love you, and I don't really blame you."

She rested against him, eyes closing as she settled in. "If we need to discuss this further, however, can we do so tomorrow?" Her voice was sleepy-distant, like she was about to fall asleep on him despite wanting to stay awake, to cuddle more in a concious state. "I don't want... to fall asleep... while we.. talk." She was punctuating her words with yawns now.

Pao
He was about to argue when she very effectively shut him down with not just her words, but the gentle massaging on his shoulders. So he opened and then closed his mouth, green eyes lost for the moment in her blue ones. And then he blinked and smiled and gave a little nod. "Sure, we can talk about this later..." he sighed before closing his eyes. And he felt they would have to, if only because his issues, and hers, would not be going away overnight.

Before she fell asleep he whispered it just once more. "Love you, too, babe." And it wasn't too long after that, that he drifted off as well.