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 Posted: Thu Oct 26, 2017 6:08 pm
The drive home was tense, to say the least. Michael refused to say anything, even with Caspian seething in the seat beside him. Everything about that night could have been so much better. He had gone out with the hopes that maybe he was just being overly cautious, and then stuff happened that proved that he was not being cautious enough.
There were plenty of things that annoyed him that evening, but it was obvious that he was annoyed, and he was absolutely not in a good mood. He tried to ignore everything that happened. Maybe he and Caspian would just go to sleep and pretend like nothing was wrong. That would probably be for the best.
Michael was good at bottling things up, but he wasn’t good with voicing his frustrations, because that meant he had frustrations.
He pulled the car into the driveway, turned it off, and got out. The door was slammed a little harder than he meant to shut it, but there was only a moment of hesitation before making his way to the front door, whether or not Caspian was following him.
"Let’s just go to bed," he tried, hoping that would be all he needed to say to deter Caspian from continuing this pointless stream of irritation they both had. "I’m tired. I don’t want to talk. I’m going to shower and then let’s just go to bed."
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Posted: Thu Oct 26, 2017 7:06 pm
He sat in mutinous silence in the passenger seat of the car, arms folded across his chest, staring out the window. The tension was thick enough to cut with a knife, but Caspian wasn't going to have a discussion in the ******** car of all places, even though he was practically bursting at the seams to say something.
Michael was either going to ignore this fact, or start yelling the moment they got home. It was sort of a tossup which one it would be, really, but Caspian was betting on the former, given Michael's long and ridiculous history of never talking about anything ever.
And he was right.
Caspian's door slammed just as hard as Michael's, and then the front door was slammed as well, just for good measure.
"Oh, no you don't," Caspian snarled. "No way. You're not gonna just walk away from this one. You said we'd talk when we got home, well guess what?" He spread his arms wide from side to side, gesturing at their newly private surroundings. "We're home. So let's talk."
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Posted: Thu Oct 26, 2017 8:12 pm
It was only because Michael had already slammed his car door on accident that he chose to ignore the fact that Caspian had also slammed his car door. That was his car, and he was pretty damn happy about that car. It had never done anything wrong to him. It had never let him down. It was a damn good, expensive, luxury car. Probably the only thing that he was happy about spending that much money on.
“Walk away from what, Caspian?” Michael stopped to turn, irritated that Caspian slammed the house door too. “I decided that I would rather not get you angry and upset and we should just drop it, but if you really want to have this conversation, would you like to go jerk off first?" he asked somewhat condescendingly.
"Obviously you haven’t been getting any, and I’d hate to have this conversation be the result of sexual tension,” Michael growled, his hands reaching down to tug at the rest of the costume he wore, pulling the sash off from around his waist, and tugging the shirt up and over his head.
“So while you do that, I’m going to shower,” he said, bending down to snatch up the pants he’d just kicked off, leaving him in nothing but his dark navy boxer briefs, and turned to head towards the bedroom.
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Posted: Thu Oct 26, 2017 8:33 pm
He maybe shouldn't have slammed the house door too, because it was an innocent bystander in all of this, but the patience for Michael's continued brooding was growing thin. Caspian glared up at him, a defiant expression on his face, dark, multicolored hair falling around his face. It was getting longer now, almost to his shoulders.
He'd taken off his own costume in the car, leaving behind only the long wizard's robe that kept him warm; the rest he'd left - well, in the car, because he was too annoyed and frustrated about everything else to care about that right now. Caspian's glower turned almost lethal at the insinuation, mouth dropping open in angry outrage.
"Are you ******** serious right now?"
It wasn't as if Michael could just stalk off to his room and shut the door. They lived together, shared the same bedroom, and if Michael was going to be an a** about things - well, so was Caspian, because he was not about to let this drop.
"What a condescending statement from someone who told me I was acting childish," Caspian snapped, going after him, shoving the robe from his shoulders. Underneath, he was wearing a regular teeshirt and a pair of sweats, Caspian not about to argue in a damn Halloween costume.
"You can't just pretend nothing happened or try to shove me away with a rude comment, you have to ******** talk to me. Or am I not your ******** husband?"
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Posted: Thu Oct 26, 2017 8:54 pm
”I don’t have to do anything,” Michael shot back, sorely tempted to shut the bedroom door on Caspian, but that would be even more immature than he was already being. He knew his comment had been uncalled for, but it was already at that point where Michael would say just about anything to get Caspian to back off.
Purposefully, he rolled his eyes, knowing very well Caspian could see. “Yes, I forgot, silly me, we got married,” he said just as dryly as Caspian had casually mentioned getting stabbed earlier that evening.
Somewhat dramatically, Michael dumped the clothing he was carrying into the corner of the room. The intention to wash the costume and put it away was there, but so far out of reach that he didn’t care at the moment.
“I sincerely hope you’re not planning on using that ******** excuse every time you want to corner me into something. Just because you’re my husband doesn’t mean you get to use that to manipulate me into doing something I don’t want to do. And I don’t want to talk right now,” he added, just to make sure Caspian hadn’t forgotten.
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Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2017 9:35 am
He scowled at Michael, completely unappreciative of the fact that he'd had his own tone of voice thrown back at him like it was nothing. Fighting with Michael felt wrong on so many levels, for a myriad of reasons - but he couldn't - and wouldn't - back down when they needed to actually talk about s**t.
"It's not an excuse, jackass," he snapped, Caspian's eyes flashing dangerously as Michael dumped the remainder of the costume onto the floor. "It's a fact. We're ******** married, we're husbands, and you're acting like a royal pain in the a** just because you didn't get your way. It's not a ******** manipulation to remind you of this fact."
The jab about manipulation hurt more than it should have, a stinging point that hurt his heart. At least, in coming after Michael, he was now standing in front of the bedroom door, which meant that Michael couldn't just walk out on him if he wanted to, since there was only one way in and out.
Unless he picked him up again, but that didn't count for anything right now.
"You can't do this. You can't just get pissed at me and then bury everything inside so you sit sulking. I reminded you that we're married because you're I'm your husband. I'm your partner, remember? Your equal. You don't get to just ignore that and tell me what to do."
Caspian's face was growing steadily redder, in spite of his attempts at keeping calm.
"You don't get to steamroll over my feelings, just because you think you know better."
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Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2017 10:04 am
”Oh, that’s cute,” Michael paused in the doorway of the bathroom, tempted to continue going about his business to turn on the shower because he felt gross and was covered in spider webs and had cuts and scrapes from earlier that night, and now he was being yelled at by Caspian.
“I’m not allowed to steamroll over your feelings, but you’re allowed to call me names like jackass and Negative Nancy and all those other names you like to use to remind me that my concerns are completely invalid. Because there’s no way I would have enough experience with this s**t to have a gut feeling that something’s not right. But no, you’re the only one whose feelings can’t be hurt. Got it,” he snarled, thinking maybe he would take a shower after all.
“And remind me, what way did I not get? Was it how you got in the way while we were trying to get away from those things were trying to attack us? Alright, you have my full attention. What was so important that we had to talk about that you decided to come to an all stop on our way out?”
He hated fighting with Caspian. He hated talking about things like this in general because there was no point really. Things would just return to how they were, and that was fine. He could deal with it. He’d made his decision to be with Caspian for the rest of his life a long time ago, and that wasn’t going to change.
Just like this conversation was not likely going to change anything.
“I wasn’t pissed at you -” he started and then paused and backtracked, “No, I was pissed when you decided you wanted to have a ******** heart to heart while everyone else was fighting spiders.”
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Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2017 12:20 pm
"If the shoe fits," said Caspian, probably a bit rudely, but then again, Michael was being rude. "The Negative Nancy thing was a tease, and you know it - and yes, if you're being a jackass by steamrolling over me and not actually listening to me, then yes, I'm going to call you out on it."
He felt gutted by the insinuation that Michael thought that he believed him invalid, or that he thought Caspian capable of manipulating him. The hurt from that was building inside of him, curling hot and unpleasant through his chest and expanding outwards, until he couldn't quite think of anything else.
Focus.
It didn't really work.
"You!" Caspian exploded, stalking towards the bathroom where Michael currently stood. "You were what was important. I never said you didn't have experience, I never once insinuated that, but you're taking what I said and you're twisting it to suit you so that you can act like you're superior to me, well guess what? You're not. I'm just as much a part of this as you are, I'm just as much in this world and in this war as you are, and yet you never seem to remember that. All you do is make a decision, you don't talk to me beforehand. You don't ask what I think, how I feel, what we should do. You never consult with me."
He was breathing fast, the words tumbling out without stopping, laced with a mixture of anger, hurt, and frustration.
"Did it ever occur to you that maybe we should be working together on s**t? Instead of just you taking charge and deciding that that's what you want, and that's what's going to happen?" Caspian's hands were clenched so tightly together that his knuckles were white, eyes blazing.
"You are not my boss, nor my superior. We are equals. That means that I get as much right to say things and decide things as you do. Your decisions make a difference to me too, and yet you never actually consider that, you only consider that you know what's best."
His teeth were gritted together. Caspian stepped closer, only a foot or so away now, face scarlet as he jabbed a finger towards Michael. "Well, you don't. You would, however, know that at least we were on the same page instead of just ******** deciding things all on your own."
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Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2017 5:44 pm
”Teasing or not, it doesn’t matter if I don’t think it’s funny,” Michael scowled. “I didn’t say anything the first time you teased me this evening because I hoped you would have seen that I didn’t appreciate it. I don’t know where you’re getting this steamrolling bullshit from, but I am listening to you. I have been listening to you,” he said, but his expression soon turned even more sour than it was when Caspian stalked forward.
“Don’t you dare touch me,” he warned, his eyes flashing as Caspian jabbed a finger at him, taking a minute step back just in case. If he were an animal, hackles would be raised at the threatening gesture. “We can yell and b***h at each other without pointing or touching. It’s not like I’m going anywhere,” Michael said, remaining in the doorway, deciding to ignore the fact that Caspian seemed to be attempting to not let him leave the room which, he was deciding not to point out, was another way of manipulating the situation.
“If I’m what was so important, then you should have helped me! I can’t multitask well in those situations, Cas! We needed to get out. There were monsters attacking us and people running and screaming and -”
Michael pulled himself to a halt, the memories of just a few hours ago ebbing in and out of focus. He needed to reign it in. This was not the time to start talking about what ifs and what could have happened.
Or what happened already.
“You’ve never pulled his equals s**t before,” he shifted, because he thought it was absolutely ridiculous that Caspian would even bring it up. “The two of us being married doesn’t grant you some magical elevation of status. If you hadn’t realized we were equals before, then I don’t know what to tell you, because I’ve never thought of you as lesser."
It was painful. His chest hurt and his palms were sweaty. He hated this, but if anyone wasn't listening, it was Caspian. Just because Michael wasn't saying anything didn't mean that Caspian couldn't listen to him. Right? He thought they were beyond words at this point in their relationship.
“I’m sorry you feel like I don’t consider you in my decisions. We’re normally on the same page about things, so I’m sorry I assumed you would want to get out as quickly as possible too. I’m sorry I was trying to keep us safe and that you would agree that that was best. But instead of helping me, you decided to make this about how I was controlling you and not thinking about how you felt. You had every opportunity to stand by my side, but you dug in your heels and tried to force me to focus on things that could have placed us both in danger. So yes, I chose to put your safety over your feelings until we got away from the things trying to kill us," he stressed, his teeth gritting together.
”Do you really think, if you grabbed my hand and ran away from danger, that I would try to stop you because you didn’t talk to me about it beforehand? No! I would have gone with you!”
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Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2017 5:58 pm
"Then you should have said something!" Caspian said explosively. "I'm not a mindreader! If it was bothering you - which it apparently was - then you should have said that it was bothering you! We were in the middle of a crazy, loud, crowded place, I'm not always going to be able to know things if you don't say so!"
The don't you dare touch me was like a slap in the face. Caspian recoiled, eyes wide, cheeks flushing a dark scarlet as his mouth dropped open in an expression of stunned disbelief. He felt as though the ground was dropping out from beneath him.
"Did you think I was going to - " he started to say, and then stopped, feeling the insinuation like a loaded gun, a myriad of painful, agonizing hurt crawling up his skin.
No. No, he couldn't focus on that, not now, not when everything else around them was crashing down around his feet. Caspian sucked in a sharp breath, feeling like he was swallowing shards of glass. "You can't expect me to always know what you're thinking. I know you, I know how you work, but that doesn't make me a psychic. You can't put that much pressure on me, Michael. You can't expect me to instinctively know what's going on in your head. And you are controlling me, you're worried because of what happened in the spring, and you don't want anything to happen to me, and I get that, I do, but you can't protect me from every single little thing that happens."
He could feel the hurt in his chest, the throbbing pain that came with arguing - with the fact that Michael was turning this around, using his words against him, making it so that he was without fault, and that too was a painful realization.
"Stop - " Caspian's voice shook, just a little, thick with tension. " - making this into my fault. Stop telling me that if anything happened, it would have been my fault, stop twisting everything that I'm saying and making me the one who's unreasonable. Have you even tried to open up your mind and take what I'm saying into it? Have you even listened to me? Because I don't think you have, Michael. And you turning all of this on me, that's - "
He sucked in another breath, one that hurt his chest.
" - I didn't think you were that sort of person at all. That isn't a conversation, Michael. That's one person, with one side of things, making it one way. I'm telling you that I want to talk this out, I'm telling you that I want to equality in this relationship, and all you're doing is telling me that I'm making it into my fault, that's - that's - "
Caspian was struggling to keep his voice calm, his eyes stinging, too bright.
"I never said I was perfect. I never said I was right, I said that I was tired of you not talking to me, that I was tired of you bottling things up, that you needed to treat me as an equal, and all I want, all I ******** want, is for you to just listen to me."
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Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2017 6:21 pm
There were a lot of things he wanted to say. A lot of things he could have said. His jaw clenched tight as Caspian flinched back, his blue eyes wide, looking hurt and in disbelief.
It wasn’t so surprising, Michael thought. He’d always told Caspian that he wasn’t a good person. There were things he couldn’t talk about, and this was one of those things. No, he didn’t mean to hurt Cas, emotionally or the like, but there wasn’t much else he could do to make Caspian understand. He couldn’t make Caspian do anything. He’d learned that long ago, and while he’d hoped that his husband would grow more flexible, that didn’t seem to be the case.
“None about what happened was your fault,” Michael said, his voice lowered because he could see the way Caspian was getting upset, and while he was still angry, he didn’t want him upset. “Nothing that could have happened would have been your fault, Cas. You didn’t make those spiders attack us. You didn’t force us to try to fight them off. I never meant to make you feel like it was your fault,” he tried to explain. He wasn’t heartless, but he still didn’t think Caspian understood. And he didn’t expect him to.
“I do like to control things,” he admitted, because he wasn’t going to say that he didn’t try to control things. “I like being able to know how something is going to happen, especially when people are in danger. That isn’t going to change completely, but I have backed off, even if you don’t notice. But I need you to work with me. Give me some room to do my thing, and when it matters, you can be as stubborn as you damn well please,” he tried, wishing things were easier.
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Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2017 7:33 pm
It wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair that he was supposed to have a happy, good marriage with Michael, it wasn't fair that he knew marriages weren't just happy fluff all the time, and it wasn't fair that everything hurt too much to even really think right now. Caspian's thoughts were a jumbled mess inside of his head, a chaotic twist that made it difficult to separate truth from perceived truth.
"You - " His voice was wavering with the effort of holding back his emotions. "You told me it was my fault. You said, 'instead of helping me, you made it about how I was controlling you.' You said, 'I chose to put our safety over everything else,' and made me think that I wasn't, that I don't already put you first and foremost in my life over anything and everything else."
It felt like blame. It felt like guilt, a guilt that was rising up to twist with the shame, so that both were thick in his throat. Caspian's eyes were stinging brighter now, and he blinked rapidly, trying to hold back the tears, because that would help nothing at the moment.
He wasn't trying to play the victim. He wasn't trying to make this all about him, because it was about them. As a team, as a partnership, as husbands. They had to learn how to balance with each other, how to give and take without overstepping, without leaving either of them wondering what had happened.
It hurt. It hurt too much to breathe.
"I can't give you room to work if you don't give me room to breathe," Caspian said. "I know I got hurt in the spring, I know my heart stopped. But I can't sit around locked up all day just on the off chance that something will happen, and neither can you. I need you to let me breathe."
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Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2017 8:13 pm
Michael closed his eyes, taking another step back, and then another until his back was up against the bathroom wall and Caspian was left in the doorway. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t see the tears and hurt in Caspian’s eyes and pretend like it didn’t affect him. He couldn’t deny the words he spoke or how it sounded or any of that.
Caspian was all he wanted in his life, and if he was unhappy, then what was the point?
“That wasn’t how I meant it,” he said, his voice strained under the weight of everything. “I wasn’t trying to…”
Wasn’t trying to what? Accuse Caspian about putting them both at risk because he was more concerned with… whatever it had been. Michael wasn’t quite convinced he was the oh so important thing that made Caspian stop so suddenly, while they were still in danger. He must have known Michael was distressed in those moments and just trying to get them out.
But Michael had been wrong. He’d said the wrong things and now Caspian felt like he was being locked away, unable to breathe.
“Okay,” he said after a moment, his chest twisting, not wanting to discuss the fact that Caspian’s heart had stopped. “I’m sorry. If you want to do things then we’ll do them. Or if you wanted to do them on your own… that’s fine…” he said, understanding if Caspian wanted time away from him after everything. “Just tell me what you need, Cas.”
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Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2017 8:31 pm
He was so tired.
Caspian tended to get tired a little easier these days - a side effect of everything that had happened in the spring - but fighting was exhausting. He felt drained and put the wringer, his heart heavy and his head spinning, Caspian's flushed face still burning with a mixture of hurt, shame, frustration, and sadness.
And he could hear Michael's voice beginning to break under the tension that lay thick across the room.
"That's not what I..." Caspian trailed off, looking away, lips pressing together in an effort to stop himself from crying, because the tears only made him more angry, and then there would be more tears. He sucked in a sharp breath, closing his eyes briefly before opening them again, staring resolutely at the floor.
His hands were balled into fists at his sides, fingers shaking. "I know you want me safe," Caspian said, after a long moment, struggling to keep his voice from trembling. "I know you're scared. I know you say and do what you say and do because you want to protect me, and because you want to make sure I don't do anything reckless, and because you don't want me to get hurt. And I know I don't always think things through, so there are times when you have to be stronger than I am, because you know how stubborn I can be."
Caspian took a shuddering breath, biting his lower lip, still looking at the floor. His vision was blurring.
"We're not going to get anywhere if we don't listen to each other or learn to respect each other's decisions."
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Posted: Fri Oct 27, 2017 9:21 pm
Yelling always made everything worse. He should have figured out a way to just convince Caspian to go to bed before, to forget what happened and just call it a night. He didn’t have the energy for this. And Caspian didn’t have the energy for it. And Michael knew the stress wasn’t good for him. He might be mostly recovered, but there could still be complications if they weren’t careful.
He felt numb to it all, and he hated feeling this way because he knew that no matter what happened, Caspian would still do his thing, and Michael would still do his. Because the one time Michael decided to really, really let Caspian out of his sight, he ended up with a sword through him, and dying in front of him. If that wasn’t traumatizing and a damn good reason why he was the way he was about wanting to protect Caspian, he had no idea what was.
“Then you have to understand,” he said after a long moment. And it was a long moment in which Michael really, really didn’t want to say anything. “I… can’t... change my focus so easily in situations like that. I -” he stopped, knowing this was going to be turned on him for making it about himself. “It’s… incredibly difficult… Stopping like you wanted me to, to talk to you - I can’t.”
Being a knight for so many years made things a little easier. He was able to focus on the task at hand, but when he had someone he needed to protect, he knew he could have a one track mind.
“I don’t - want to lose you. Not like Riley,” he said, the name caught in his throat. “And I don’t want you to experience that, so… please… all I’m asking is that the next time something like this happens, please try to work with me, and I swear I’ll do whatever I can to make sure you don’t feel ignored.”
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